The Beldum Line

bills-pokedex:

Beldum
The Iron Ball Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 374
Entry: A magnetic pokémon rare in but native to the mountains of Hoenn and Sinnoh. It uses its magnetism to move and communicate with other beldum, both of which are essential to it, as its movepool is limited. More specifically, until evolution, beldum only learn one move naturally: Take Down, a devastating physical move in which it rams itself into its opponent, dealing damage to both itself and its target. As an aside, given the shape of this pokémon and the aforementioned fact, it is worth it to note that “rams itself into its opponent” is also not a euphemism, Bebe, and quite frankly, the author is horrified by the fact that anyone thinks it would be.

Metang
The Iron Claw Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 375
Entry: The evolved form of beldum, by battle experience. When two beldum become very close, their magnetism draws them closer together until they fuse at the head to form a larger, faster, and stronger pokémon gifted with a higher sense of enlightenment and intelligence. To answer Bebe’s question, no, this is not a metaphor, nor is this an accurate description of how certain organs the author and people like him would work during any sort of biological function outside of terribly written and highly bizarre slash fanfiction.

Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376
Entry: The evolved form of metagross, by battle experience. Much akin to beldum evolution, metagross form when two metang fuse. The resulting pokémon is not only physically and magically powerful (in that it is capable of launching both devastating physical attacks and devastating psychic attacks) but also highly intelligent. The combined brains of the constituent metang work in unison, allowing the metagross’s brain as a whole to function as a highly efficient supercomputer. …This, of course, is what makes metagross interesting, not the first thing in this entry, yet the author’s Sinnohan colleague is writing the fanfiction anyway.

Mega Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376+
Entry: The advanced form of metagross, via metagrossite. As a result of the power surge from mega evolution, this already fiercely intelligent and extremely powerful pokémon becomes a veritable force of nature on the battlefield. That is to say, mega metagross combines newly sharpened intellect with incredible offensive capabilities to engage in battles so brutal and strategically destructive that opponents—and stadiums—are often rendered utterly out of commission for weeks. Another interesting fact: mega metagross is the signature mega evolution of the champion of Hoenn, Steven Stone. Just … as an unrelated side note that in no way is relevant to the author’s partner.

I can’t tell if you’re trying to dissuade me from having an entirely platonic relationship with Steven because you’re jealous of him or of me. —LH

I don’t see how any part of that could possibly indicate that I’m at all jealous of either of you. —Bill

…okay, maybe I’m a little jealous of you. How did you manage to get invited to coffee with him anyway?! I’ve been talking to him about rare stones and pokémon for years, and we’re barely on a first-name basis! —Bill

A girl has her secrets. 😉 —LH