bill no. dont touch the tentacled abomination of nature. go touch buzzwoles abs instead HOW IS IT SO RIPPED

That is legitimately a good question. I’m tempted to say the reason why it’s so well-toned is the same reason why machamp are, but machamp train in naturally rugged environments. We know so little about the Ultra Beasts’ home dimension that I can’t rightly say that buzzwole’s physique can be credited entirely to it without knowing for certain what that terrain is like.

Hmm. Maybe I should create a portal to the other dimension, just to see.

Bill, there is a really good reason why this is a bad idea. Her name is Lusamine, and her very nice and somehow not traumatized daughter is staying in your laboratory-slash-cottage right now. —LH

Woah there Bill. It’s best not to go messing around with Nihilego. Their toxins don’t just cause odd behavior, they turn your wants and desires up to eleven, usually making you evil as a bonus. Under the influence of these toxins, you might create a PC system for people! You could become the leader of an evil team and force the other PC mods to help you take over the world! YOU COULD TURN YOURSELF INTO A CLEFABLE!!! These are all bad ideas. Listen to Lanette. Don’t mess with the ultra beasts.

Okay, but what if I found a way to turn myself into a clefable and back without any further assistance? Now that would be an interesting idea.

No, it wouldn’t. —LH

Hello Bill. I was under the impression that information on the UBs was classified by the international police. Do they know you’re doing dex entries on the ultra beasts?

Well, they didn’t have a problem with my entries on mewtwo or genesect. Nor did anyone else have a problem with my entries on the Elite Four and the Kanto and Johto gym leaders. Or the legendary pokémon.

…

…come to think of it, I do a lot of entries many people should be at minimum mildly upset about, haven’t I? I wonder why no one’s ever said anything.

I think it’s the same reason why you can go about your business without being kidnapped by the criminal organizations that keep coming into existence, despite the fact that you’ve built a matter-to-data converter, a method of storing physical objects and organisms on a cloud-based system, a literal teleporter, a device that merges and separates two completely different organisms, a handheld device that detects a trainer’s “battle-readiness” via technology that might as well be artificial telepathy, and a working time machine. —LH

To be fair, several of those things are actually the same invention. —Bill

…those people also run on the same kind of logic that drove you to think that was the point. —LH

UB-04: Celesteela and Kartana

Celesteela
The Launch Pokémon
Type: Steel/Flying
Official Registration #: 797
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. According to witness reports, celesteela possesses incredible firepower—literally. From the cannons that double as its “arms” (no pun intended there), celesteela can shoot blasts of gas so potent it can instantly set fire to an entire forest. This is unfortunate, considering the facts that celesteela is partly a steel-type, that its other type is not fire, and that forest fires can reach temperatures in excess of 1472 degrees Fahrenheit.

Kartana
The Drawn Sword Pokémon
Type: Grass/Steel
Official Registration #: 798
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Despite its status as an Ultra Beast, kartana is not an aggressive pokémon at all. Rather, this small, origami-like pokémon lies still when in the presence of humans and avoids conflict at all times. However, its edges are razor-sharp and capable of slicing clean through steel, so humans should be warned: getting a paper cut from this pokémon is quite literally the worst fate imaginable.

Magearna

We interrupt our series on Ultra Beasts to give you a special entry in time for the holidays. On behalf of the Pokédex, happy holidays, whatever you celebrate!

Magearna
The Artificial Pokémon
Type: Steel/Fairy
Official Registration #: 801
Entry: This unique, doll-like pokémon was created over 500 years ago by a brilliant inventor as a gift to a young princess. It is both sentient and capable understanding human speech, and it possesses both true empathy and an artificial soul. In short, it is a wondrous gift that truly puts every other to shame.

Speaking of inventors who give unnecessarily complicated gifts to young girls, I checked your IP address, Bill, and aren’t you supposed to be celebrating the holidays with your little sister and the rest of your family in Goldenrod, as opposed to, you know, your teleporter and forlorn cottage in Cerulean? —LH

…. —Bill

[BILL has logged off.]

The Pokédex’s Anniversary Giveaway

Greetings, readers!

This will be a bit of an unconventional post. You see, as my editor had alluded to earlier, we were planning on something rather special to thank you for helping us reach not only 500 followers but our one-year anniversary. While, yes, we are still in the midst of #AMA Month (which we will get back to shortly, I promise), we thought something more exciting and physical would be in order.

A giveaway. Bill is referring to a giveaway. —LH

…yes.

As I was about to say, as a thank you for quite literally everything, we’d like to host a giveaway. From now until January 1, followers can like or reblog this post to enter a drawing. The grand prize consists of a code for 100 poké balls as well as a collection of newly hatched/caught shiny eevee with an accompanying fire, thunder, and water stone set. (As of this writing, there are only three eevee to be claimed. This post will be updated if the mun is fortunate enough to catch or breed more.)

The rules are as follows:

1. This giveaway is a thank you for followers, so unfortunately, you must be following this blog to enter.

2. Only one reblog will count towards your entry, but you may like and reblog this post to double your chances.

3. The giveaway will close at 11:59 PM EST on January 1. We’ll announce and contact the winner on January 2, so please keep watch on your chats for an incoming message then.

If you have any questions about the giveaway, please don’t hesitate to send us a message. Otherwise, best of luck, and thank you again for our first year!

UB-03: Xurkitree

Xurkitree
The Glowing Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 796
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. According to witnesses, this pokémon is capable of discharging incredible amounts of electricity by connecting its plug-like tail into the earth and channeling and amplifying the planet’s natural electrical current. Interestingly enough, the bulbs and head of this pokémon also glow like Christmas tree ornaments as it undergoes this process. However, attempting to plug this pokémon into a domestic outlet and use it as a Christmas ornament tends to be ill-advised, less because this may destroy your home’s electrical grid (although, yes, it will do that too) but more because the plug head is only adaptable to outlets used in South Africa, so it’s a little pointless to even try.

UB-02: Buzzwole and Pheromosa

Buzzwole
The Swollen Pokémon
Type: Bug/Fighting
Official Registration #: 794
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Gifted with an impressive physique, this mosquito-like pokémon has been sighted showing off its body by smashing cars in half with single punches and by flexing its muscles. Researchers are still not entirely certain whether these displays are meant to be a boast or a threat. However, having met highly athletic humans who enjoy showing off their muscles and tossing short, skinny, muscularly underdeveloped teenagers into dumpsters, the author is inclined to say boasts and threats are not mutually exclusive conditions.

Pheromosa
The Lissome Pokémon
Type: Bug/Fighting
Official Registration #: 795
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. This elegant, cockroach-like pokémon has been spotted running at incredible speeds across the land. However, it has not been seen touching anything but the ground, and it in fact refuses to do so. The reason why it refuses to touch anything is either because it senses some uncleanliness in the world that’s actually there or because it perceives the world to be unclean and is therefore fantastically judgmental and rude; the research community is currently debating which is more likely.

Could you talk about any of the ultra beasts

I could talk about all of them, anonymous, but I suppose the most appropriate place to start with the ultra beasts would be with the first one ever documented:

Nihilego
The Parasite Pokémon
Type: Rock/Poison
Official Registration #: 793
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. This jellyfish-like pokémon possesses strange and not well-understood powers, including the ability to teleport, open portals, and influence the human mind. Those who were exposed to this creature’s neurotoxins have reported erratic and often fervent or obsessive behavior, usually culminating in extraordinary feats for the sake of ripping apart the space-time continuum in the name of science and pokémon. Incidentally, the above-mentioned symptoms also describe the effects of hard liquor on the author, which also incidentally is a state that led to the creation of the Time Capsule, so if there are no objections, the author would like to propose an experiment involving himself, a nihilego, and a bottle of whiskey.

I have objections. I have a lot of objections to this plan. —LH

#AMA Bill and Lanette, favourite colours? Please go into full detail. This is important.

BILL
I fluctuate between red and purple. Both have always been bold, striking colors to me, but from a scientific perspective, being on the very edges of the visible spectrum, they’re also rather fascinating.

LH
Green. No reason, really. I just like that color. Pink as well, actually, which either is why or explains how most of my favorite pokémon are that color.