Who would win: a trillion Pyroar or the sun?

Below is the actual video call between the author and editor regarding this ask, as transcribed and posted by the editor’s sister, Brigette Hamilton.

BILL
This is a rather silly question.

LH
Indeed it is. I don’t think it’s worth our attention.

BILL
I agree. After all, there are so many variables involved here.

LH
That’s not why—

BILL
I mean, I admit I don’t know the mass of a trillion pyroar off the top of my head, but I’d imagine it’s not nearly enough to take out the sun by default.

LH
Honestly, Bill, there are far more important things to worry about than—

BILL
On the other hand, pyroar are fire-types and therefore have a resistance to the element, and perhaps a trillion pyroar can form a miniature star-like object that collapses into an equally miniature black hole. That might compensate for the insufficient mass of a group of pyroar otherwise.

LH
Bill, that doesn’t—

BILL
Come to think of it, hold on. Let’s think about this for a second. How much does each pyroar weigh? Should we just assume they’re all perfectly average weight? Also, would the nuclear fusion take place on the planet or off? We’ll need to add in the mass of each pyroar’s breathing apparatus if that’s the case. Now that I think about it, we should probably assume the fusion takes place off-planet, perhaps in the corona at the very closest. We can’t have the pyroar die before the battle begins; otherwise, the whole point is moot. What configuration are the pyroar in as they fly towards the sun? Is it a cube of pyroar, a sphere, or an amorphous cloud?

LH
Why are you like this?

Wait, Brigette posted this? Just how many people did you give my login credentials to, Lanette? —Bill

All of us. —Bebe

hey bill whats up? —Molayne

Hey, Bill. A bit of an odd question but its something I was wondering about. You know how every Halloween there are those weird why is there a sexy custom of this? I was wondering if you ever accidentally bought one when trying to dress up as a Pokemon to get into their head and didn’t realize until it was too late? #AMA

Goodness no! All of my costumes for research are handmade. Accuracy is essential to my methods. Even the texture of simulated chitin needs to be exact, as otherwise, it wouldn’t be very effective.

Besides, the fishnet stockings for many of those costumes are ill-fitting and ride up in a most uncomfortable fashion.

And you would know this because…? —LH

…science? —Bill

So Bill, when do you think we can get Entries on Alolan Grimer and Muk? And is it true that non-Alolan Grimers and Muks are possibly going extinct? I’m worried for my blob-shaped friends!

I’ve actually been considering tackling all Alolan variations at some point, as each one of them is so vastly different from their outside counterparts that it’s often inadequate to simply address one form but leave the other completely out of the picture. (On a similar note, I’m still intending on covering mega evolutions for the same reason.) I just don’t entirely know when—perhaps when I’ve completed the main entries for each currently indexed pokémon.

As for whether or not non-Alolan grimer and muk are going extinct, that’s true … within Alola, anyway. It’s a mixed blessing, really. While on the one hand, a sharp decrease in any pokémon population is always unfortunate, but on the other, high populations of grimer and muk indicate severe issues in the habitability of a biome. A decrease in their populations, then, would mean an increase in the populations of many other species of pokémon.

Still, for those of you who may be fond of the grimer family, rest assured that there are still plenty of cities in the world with sufficient enough pollution levels to maintain healthy grimer and muk populations. Castelia City in recent years, for example.

#AMA Bill, has a girl named Lillie come to visit you regarding a person who was once fused with a pokemon? I heard she was on her way to see you and I am curious to whether she arrived safely yet.

She has indeed, anonymous, and thank you for your concern for her!

I must say, it’s always quite refreshing to come across such an eager student, and I certainly can’t turn down a request for someone in genuine need for help. It may be some time before I find a solution to her predicament—less because it’s a difficult one (it isn’t at all) and more because the solution would require essentially rebuilding and calibrating a teleporter system in a completely different region. On the other hand, I know of quite a few mechanical engineers who owe me a favor or few, so I doubt the parts will be all that difficult to procure.

What bothers me more, though, is the book that brought Lillie to me. As I’ve said, I’m delighted to be in the company of both an intelligent and polite student—particularly one with as much passion as she does for as just a cause as hers. Likewise, I have no qualms about the existence of an “authorized biography” of my life (although it’s rather embarrassing to see).

My question about this biography, though, is why is there an entire chapter dedicated to the Clefairy Incident? That was quite literally only a week! Once! And out of all the things said in it, why would you leave out the part that it was an accident?!

I don’t know, Bill. Why would you write an entire paper on it? —LH

It was scientifically curious! It’s different when it’s for science! —Bill

And therein lies your motto. —LH

oh god i left my arcanine alone for three minutes. THREE MINUTES. and she managed to find and harass the ONE skuntank within ten miles and now i can’t go near her without coming this close to passing out. what do i do, Bill. there’s so much fur, so much fur drenched in spray, six feet of shaggy dog covered in skunk. my house stinks. my yard stinks. everything i own stinks. please. please, Bill, how do i fix it. how do i get rid of skuntank spray. please help i can’t breathe

….

You know, I really ought to get better at answering these.

In any case, anonymous, as noted in the skuntank entry (viewable here), your best hope is one quart hydrogen peroxide, quarter cup baking soda, and two teaspoons of dish soap. (You may wish to times this recipe by six for every foot of dog pokémon.) Mix these ingredients together in a tub or spray bottle, get your arcanine to stay still, and bathe her vigorously in this. Do not leave the solution on her fur for too long, as it will bleach it and lead to a rather upset arcanine. Also, wear gloves. Trust me. You will need gloves for this.

Alternatively, purchase a bottle of Skuntank-Off de-skuntanking spray and a bottle of skuntank shampoo from your local pokémart, spray your arcanine, and bathe her immediately afterwards. The above-mentioned solution (no pun intended) is simply the cheaper route, especially considering the fact that neither Skuntank-Off nor any brand of skuntank shampoo is sold in high enough quantities to cover an entire arcanine.

Good luck, anonymous—which I mean genuinely this time.

i caught a pumpkaboo the other day and while she is very sweet, she is incredibly shy. I own a pokemon day care and my pokemon help me care for the ones people leave in my care, and it becomes easier when i have pokemon of specific typings to help with others of that type. but all pumpkaboo wants to do is hide. I dont mind her not wanting to be apart of taking care of the other pokemon, but i would like her to at least get along with her teammates. any tips?

Give her time, anonymous. New catches are very much like new people you’ve met. Sometimes, they’re very eager to be your friend and the friend of all your friends; other times, it takes a lot of work and effort to get them to open up to you.

With that having been said, her integration should start with you. Give her every reason to trust you by treating her with kindness and patience. Don’t force her to do anything but make it clear (through both affection and verbal communication) that if she ever needs or wants anything, she can rely on you. Once she begins to understand that point, introduce her to your closest and calmest pokémon and have them befriend her and nurture their own bonds with her. (I would suggest beginning with one pokémon and allowing that pokémon to help you introduce her to a second, then a third, and so forth. Introducing her to multiple pokémon at once may overwhelm her.) Explain to your other pokémon that your pumpkaboo has a more timid disposition so they know how to approach and support her, and once she begins to trust them, allow them to introduce her to the rest of your day care.

In other words, take things slow and give her plenty of kindness, patience, and space as she needs. You’ll know when she’s ready to meet someone else when she grows comfortable being around you or the pokémon you introduce her to. But above all else, avoid being too aggressive with your attempts to befriend her, and never force her to meet any of your pokémon, as doing either may be perceived as a threat. Make sure she feels safe by speaking to her gently and letting her decide whether or not she’s ready to meet another member of your family.

Best of luck, anonymous!

I have to watch my friends Fennekin for two weeks but she does not seem to like my Vulpix. They hiss at each other, steal each others toys and so much of my stuff has been set on fire. Like so much. It’s only for two weeks but is there something I can do to stop them?

It’s possible to separate them as soon as fights break out. As in, physically separate them and tell them in a firm voice to stop fighting. This may seem like a basic thing, but if you show both your friend’s fennekin and your vulpix that you’re neither afraid of them nor afraid of breaking them up and giving them a stern talking-to, then they’ll be more likely to listen to you and behave (in your presence, at least).

It’s also worth it to note that vulpix and fennekin are both fox-like fire-types that evolve into pokémon with mystical abilities and that fennekin, as starter pokémon, are known for being more docile and friendly than the considerably rarer, prouder, more capricious vulpix. That is to say, it’s important to recognize that your vulpix may feel threatened by your friend’s fennekin, so it’s important to give your vulpix its own space and amount of affection. Reassure her that you don’t plan on adding your friend’s fennekin to your team and that she doesn’t have to interact with that fennekin if she doesn’t want to—but that you need her to be on her best behavior if she does.

As for your friend’s fennekin, they’re likely suffering from a simple case of homesickness, which happens when a pokémon isn’t in the care of the human they’ve bonded with. Because of that homesickness, though, your friend’s fennekin may be feeling on edge, which isn’t helped by the animosity your vulpix is feeling due to the aforementioned worry about being replaced. So it’s important to reassure fennekin that your home is its home for the time being and that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to make it feel safe and comfortable. You can do this by giving this fennekin its own space and amount of affection while keeping it away from your vulpix.

If you’re still struggling to keep their tempers in check, it may be a good idea to ensure your vulpix remains in a separate room from your friend’s fennekin. Use their poké balls if you need to, and set up a time when your friend’s fennekin is out and taken care of while your vulpix is in her ball and vice-versa. Be sure to keep their toys and possessions separate and out of reach during each shift.

I know this sounds as if I’m saying it’s impossible to get them to socialize. It’s not. In fact, after rotating them in this manner, it’s possible that they’ll understand why they’re being rotated and attempt to make amends with one another. However, the main point is this is more of an issue you should work out with your friend present, rather than with them absent, as it will involve training on their part as well. You will need to work with your friend—the fennekin’s true trainer, with whom it’s bonded—to bridge the gap between your vulpix and their fennekin and to get the hostility between them to calm. You can only do so much via training your vulpix.

Best of luck in the meantime.

How do I stop my Ninetales from trying to burn any and all grass or bug types?

You don’t. Welcome to owning a member of the vulpix family.

Edit: Once again, my editor has informed me that there has been a rule about one-line responses for quite some time, and this is a hard rule, not one I can violate whenever I merry well please as I do with other rules such as the laws of physics.

Similar to the zangoose ask a few posts ago, it’s a good idea to understand why your ninetales might be targeting specific types and how to remedy the particular reasoning behind it. However, unlike the zangoose ask a few posts ago, ninetales are known for doing terrible things to other people “just because,” which may be why there is an extremely popular legend in practically every known culture about how pulling a ninetales’s tail will result in a thousand-year curse.

That said, if there really is no reason behind your ninetales’s behavior besides sheer amusement and a certain level of malice against specific types, then most definitely add meditative exercises to your daily routine. However, unlike the zangoose ask, your aim with these meditative exercises is strictly to teach your ninetales how to heel for periods at a time—discipline, in other words. Once she figures out how to heel, you may take her out to socialize with other pokémon, particularly the grass- and bug-types she tends to burn. If she refrains from burning them, give her a treat to reinforce what she had learned from meditation. If she sets them on fire, add another ten minutes to your next meditation. Ninetales are exceptionally intelligent pokémon; eventually, she’ll begin to realize why you’re forcing her to sit still for periods of time and either learn to listen to you … or set you on fire instead. At the very least, if she does the latter, then she may tire herself out too much to set nearby grass- or bug-types on fire.

Alternatively, she may benefit a little more than the previous anonymous’s pokémon from being paired with the types she supposedly hates. By taking in a grass- or bug-type (or even both) and making them be part of your family, she’ll be forced to confront and perhaps befriend her new partners. Of course, it’s also important to be there during their first few interactions to ensure she doesn’t set them on fire as well, but eventually, after quite some time of this, she’ll break down and come to accept her teammates.

Best of luck, anonymous!

Hi there Bill, I’ve had this Zangoose for a few weeks now and he’s been great in battle but he seems a little too rowdy, especially around Poison-Type Pokemon. I went to visit a friend of mine in the countryside and my Zangoose started growling at his Ekans and Seviper. Do you have any advice on how to calm my Zangoose??

It’s worth it to remember that zangoose are considered to be blood enemies of serpent pokémon—especially seviper—largely because seviper are their natural food sources. So right now, your zangoose is expressing hostility towards your friend’s pokémon simply because it’s acting on the instinct that says he should be killing and eating them.

That having been said, though, it’s intriguing that you’ve mentioned his aggression on the battlefield as well, which may indicate that your zangoose is not only acting on instinct but also attempting release pent-up anger on a target his species deems acceptable. So as with all issues regarding pokémon behavior, it’s important to begin treating the issue off the battlefield and away from triggering situations first. Consider adding meditative exercises to your daily routine to help manage your zangoose’s stress and aggression levels as well as to teach him discipline. Reward him for exercising restraint during battle training. When encountering poison-types other than your friend’s team, give him a treat every time he behaves (by not growling or moving towards the poison-type), and give him a treat whenever he restrains himself on the battlefield against a poison-type.

Then, when you encounter your friend and his team, reinforce all of these lessons by rewarding zangoose whenever he behaves. If he growls, tell him firmly (but not sternly) that your friend’s pokémon are his friends and that you would appreciate it if he would treat them as such.

If all else fails—and only if all else fails—consider pairing him with a sturdy poison-type to help him understand that they are not targets and be prepared to do plenty of patching up during the socialization process.

In short, it may try your patience, but the key is to teach your zangoose restraint, discipline, and a bit of open-mindedness to boot. Once he begins to associate being on his best behavior around poison-types with rewards, it will be easier to keep your zangoose in check.

Best of luck, anonymous.

Hey there Bill, I’ve had both a Nidoran Male and Female since I was little. I grew up with them by my side and they grew fond of each other. Now they’ve evolved into Nidoking,and Nidoqueen and I was hoping to breed them to get a new generation of Nidorans. I’ve hit a snag though, it seems from whatever reason, they can’t breed. I went to a few other experts and they told me that Nidoqueens can’t breed with Nidokings, and i was wondering if you had any idea why?

By and large, nidoqueen and nidorina are incapable of breeding because for whatever reason, evolution sterilizes female nidoran. Male nidoran and their evolutions, meanwhile, retain the ability to breed throughout their lives, and thus, male nidoran often mate with either female nidoran or ditto to perpetuate their species; they don’t actually mate with a female nidoran’s advanced forms.

As for why evolution sterilizes female nidoran, that’s still a subject of debate in the scientific community, but to be fair, considering the fact that male nidoran grow longer, sharper, and more numerous barbs upon each subsequent evolution (including and especially exactly where you would think), one can hardly blame nature for wanting to offer female nidoran a bit of mercy, if you get my meaning.