bill no. dont touch the tentacled abomination of nature. go touch buzzwoles abs instead HOW IS IT SO RIPPED

That is legitimately a good question. I’m tempted to say the reason why it’s so well-toned is the same reason why machamp are, but machamp train in naturally rugged environments. We know so little about the Ultra Beasts’ home dimension that I can’t rightly say that buzzwole’s physique can be credited entirely to it without knowing for certain what that terrain is like.

Hmm. Maybe I should create a portal to the other dimension, just to see.

Bill, there is a really good reason why this is a bad idea. Her name is Lusamine, and her very nice and somehow not traumatized daughter is staying in your laboratory-slash-cottage right now. —LH

Woah there Bill. It’s best not to go messing around with Nihilego. Their toxins don’t just cause odd behavior, they turn your wants and desires up to eleven, usually making you evil as a bonus. Under the influence of these toxins, you might create a PC system for people! You could become the leader of an evil team and force the other PC mods to help you take over the world! YOU COULD TURN YOURSELF INTO A CLEFABLE!!! These are all bad ideas. Listen to Lanette. Don’t mess with the ultra beasts.

Okay, but what if I found a way to turn myself into a clefable and back without any further assistance? Now that would be an interesting idea.

No, it wouldn’t. —LH

Hey Lanette, let’s have the most embarrassing story you’ve got about Bill. Whatever it is, I’m sure it deserves to be immortalized on the Internet.

I’m afraid I value my friendship with my partner too much to tell you his actual most embarrassing story, anonymous. Instead, you’ll have to be content with his second most embarrassing story.

Or at least the vague details about it, anyway.

Namely that he’s tried and failed to seduce the girl in the Goldenrod Flower Shop a grand total of thirty-nine times.

All thirty-nine of those attempts are individual embarrassing stories, so I can’t possibly choose just one.

For the record, I was not trying to seduce her. —Bill

Well, you weren’t actually seducing her, either. —LH

The Porygon Line

Porygon
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 137
Entry: A bird-like virtual pokémon that exists within a digital environment. It has the capability of entering and exiting said environment using very similar procedures as the digitization of poké balls in that it converts the code that comprises its body into a solid cross between plastic, a carbon-based polymer, and hard light (similar to that used in Reflect and Light Screen). As an extended note, this pokémon has been copyprotected by Silph Co., so no, you wouldn’t steal a pokémon, Motion Picture Association of Unova.

Porygon2
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 233
Entry: The evolved form of porygon, via trading if the subject has had an up-grade applied to it. In order to assist with actual rocket science involved with the Unovan space program, scientists have taken a porygon and reformatted it into a porygon2, thus refining it to work smarter and more efficiently than its previous form. Thus, it is said that porygon2 is a pokémon that was created with the power of science … which, as this writer is currently being told by his editor, is the first and only time he may use “with the power of science” in this blog, especially as a justification for the creation of life.

Porygon-Z
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 474
Entry: The evolved form of porygon2, via trading if the subject has had a dubious disc applied to it. In an attempt to create an even faster and more efficient form of the porygon line, scientists applied brand-new software onto a porygon2, resulting in a bug-filled, highly erratic and unpredictable virtual pokémon that would frequently refuse to operate as intended. And this, readers, is why you give your poor developers enough time to test the software you pay them to create.

It’s okay, Bill. The Pokémon Association can’t hurt you anymore. —LH