Tag: capslock

Pikachu? (Part II)

Togedemaru
The Roly-Poly Pokémon
Type: Electric/Steel
Official Registration #: 777
Entry: Contrary to popular belief, not a round, pointy pikachu. However, this pokémon’s pointy hairs are as just as sensitive to electricity as its mouse-like counterpart. Each hair is an individual lightning rod capable of collecting electricity from the atmosphere and of releasing this stored electricity upon contact. Likewise, when agitated, togedemaru can raise and stiffen these hairs, creating an additional, needle-like line of defense. It is, in other words, just slightly ill-advised to pick this pokémon up.

Mimikyu
The Disguise Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Fairy
Official Registration #: 778
Entry: Contrary to its own belief, not a cuter, more likable pikachu. In fact, as adorable as this pokémon’s pikachu costume is, the actual form of this creature is most definitely not a pikachu. DO NOT ENGAGE.

IS THERE A WAY TO POLITELY EXPLAIN TO A WHISMUR THAT PEOPLE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR IS NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF AND THAT HER CONSTANT SCREAMING IS MAKING MOMMY DEAF?

It depends on whether or not you can train her to recognize the sound of knocking on your door. Begin by showing her your front door and explaining to her clearly what knocking is. Then, knock on it yourself to show that it’s harmless. Do this a few times until she learns to associate the sound with a human. Once she begins to understand, take her inside and sit her down close to the door. Knock again until you’re certain she still understands that the sound itself is harmless, then close the door and knock once more. Continue knocking it until she understands that knocking is simply a sound made by a friendly human or pokémon. Do this every day until you condition her to stop screaming whenever she hears someone at the door. You can also reinforce this behavior by giving her a treat whenever she’s quiet before you answer the door.

If you can’t train her, then I would recommend earplugs for you and your guest.

Petilil and Lilligant

Petilil
The Bulb Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 548
Entry: The leaves on its head are powerfully bitter but highly nutritious. Eating just one of these leaves is known to refresh a weary traveler. It is also known to induce extreme amounts of guilt, as if you are one of these travelers, you have just held down an adorable, toddler-sized pokémon in order to pull off parts of its body to eat, you monster.

Lilligant
The Flowering Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 549
Entry: The evolved form of petilil, by exposure to sun stone. The fragrance of this beautiful flowering pokémon is said to be among the most relaxing scents among all of the grass-types in existence. However, lilligant are also notoriously difficult to care for, and even veteran trainers struggle to get theirs to bloom. And thus, the author would like to reiterate that gardening is a legitimate hobby that takes patience and skill, not the boring waste of time certain people have deemed it to be after said certain people killed their potted cactus.

Bebe just sent me a message. It reads, “That was ONE TIME.” —LH

Patrat and Watchog

Patrat
The Scout Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 504
Entry: Normally a cautious pokémon, this short, meerkat-like creature prefers living in large colonies so that it and its fellow patrat can maintain a constant watch on each other. When taken away from its colony, a trained patrat has been known to forgo sleep in favor of watching its trainer. Always watching. With those large, glowing, hypnotic eyes. PATRAT IS ALWAYS WATCHING.

Watchog
The Lookout Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 505
Entry: The evolved form of patrat, by battle experience. It IS ALWAYS WATCHING. ALWAYS. WATCHING. ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTIC MEERKAT.

Bill, I’m not even sure you’re trying anymore. —LH

Trubbish and Garbodor

Trubbish
The Trash Bag Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 568
Entry:
(1): A small, trash-like pokémon native to Unova. The combination of garbage bags and industrial waste caused the chemical reaction that created this Pokémon. They have a tendency to follow those who litter, as the garbage thrown out by such humans may then be added to the trubbish’s body as sustenance.
(2): Synonym for an Unovan conservative.

Garbodor
The Trash Heap Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 569
Entry:
(1): The evolved form of trubbish, by battle experience. Consuming garbage makes new kinds of poison gases and liquids inside their bodies. They have the ability to shoot these gases and liquids from either their mouth or the pipes within their hands, and as a result, they will frequently attempt to pin a target to the ground with either their bodies or their other hands in order to deliver a devastating toxic blow from either orifice.
(2): Synonym for [NAME OF SPECIFIC UNOVAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE DELETED—PLEASE STOP TRYING TO GET US SUED, BILL]

The Blitzle Line

Blitzle
The Electrified Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 522
Entry: A zebra-like pokémon native to the grasslands of Unova. Shockingly for a newborn pokémon, blitzle have full mastery of their elemental discharges and can use its habit of glowing when charging its electrifyingly bright mane and stripes with electricity to communicate with other members of the blitzle line soon after birth. What do they talk about? Current events, naturally. In fact, the life of a blitzle is quite exciting. They’re hardly ever static. One could even say they’re [THE REST OF THIS POST HAS BEEN CENSORED FOR INCREASINGLY HORRIFIC PUNS. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.]

Zebstrika
The Thunderbolt Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 523
Entry: The evolved form of blitzle, by battle experience. Research has been conducted into whether or not zebstrika and rapidash are close relatives, as both are equine pokémon of similar height, both belong to the same egg group, and both have a tendency to unleash their respective elements onto riders they don’t particularly care for.

Rufflet and Braviary

Rufflet
The Eaglet Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 627
Entry: An eagle-like pokémon known for its particularly fascinating tendency to stand up to any opponent, no matter how large or powerful they may be. This is, in general, an honorable behavior to display. It is important to stand up for your principles, after all, even if those principles result in you rolling down Cycling Road in a trash bin because you decided to stand up to the Celadon University rugby team while conveniently forgetting that you lack any sort of battling skills, hand-to-hand combat training, or, in fact, any semblance of hand-eye coordination.

To your credit, at least it was casserole day, so you had a cushion and free dinner. —LH

Braviary
The Valiant Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 628
Entry: The evolved form of rufflet, by battle experience. A large, eagle-like pokémon that will fight for its friends, regardless of the risks to itself. Because of this behavior, braviary has been taken to be a symbol of sorts to various regions and nations—including and especially Unova, where braviary represents FREEDOM. Which is, as the writer understands it from his good friends on the internet, a distinctly separate concept from freedom, as FREEDOM apparently involves far more fireworks, guns, ursaring, and acts of throwing perfectly good tea into a questionably good harbor.