The Hitmons!

Ah, a challenge, but one I’m certainly willing to oblige!

Tyrogue
The Scuffle Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 236
Entry: This small, childlike pokémon can be a challenge for many new trainers. It requires daily training to maintain its mental health, and if it is denied of its routine training period or if it feels that its trainer is ignoring it for any reason, it will immediately punch its human with as much force as it can muster. On the one hand, they say “no pain, no gain,” and tyrogue trainers tend to be incredibly fit by the time their partners are ready to evolve. On the other hand, they also say “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” and the author did say “tend to be” and not “most certainly are.”

Hitmonlee
The Kicking Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 106
Entry: The evolved form of tyrogue, by battle experience, if the subject is stronger offensively than defensively. Hitmonlee’s legs are quite literally pure muscle; it requires no real bone structure due to the tightly coiled mass of muscle serving as support instead. Because of this, hitmonlee’s legs are notoriously elastic and long, capable of uncoiling and stretching up to double or even triple their resting length. This allows hitmonlee to land devastatingly powerful kicks on distant foes … and to land some of the most lucrative modeling careers in the modeling industry.

Hitmonchan
The Punching Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 107
Entry: The evolved form of tyrogue, by battle experience, if the subject is stronger defensively than offensively. Both of hitmonchan’s fists are hard as rock and extremely dextrous, and because of this, it can punch through solid concrete with both hands, regardless of dominance. Additionally, it’s said that hitmonchan is infused with the spirit of a pro boxer who had been working towards a world championship. Whether or not this is true—and, if it is, which pro boxer—is difficult to say, but it is known that playing “Eye of the Tiger” in the presence of any member of this species will cause them to feel compelled to run up the steps of the nearest art museum.

Hitmontop
The Handstand Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 237
Entry: The evolved form of tyrogue, by battle experience, if the subject is equally strong in both offense and defense. Hitmontop is known for its graceful, dance-like kicks, which it launches by flipping itself upside-down and spinning around on its horn towards its enemy. One would think striking a solid object while spinning upside-down at high speeds on a fine point would only knock the attacker over, but pokémon are wonderful, magical beings, and it’s perhaps not worth it to question the physics of hitmontop when we share this world with thirteen-pound rodents that are capable of releasing 100,000 volts of electricity from their cheeks.

Meditite and Medicham

Meditite
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 307
Entry: In order to heighten its spiritual and physical strength, this monkey-like pokémon undergoes rigorous training in mountainous areas. This training involves extreme methods such as meditating for hours and consuming only one berry a day. It should be noted that this sort of exercise is extremely taxing on the body and should not be undertaken by any unprepared human trainers seeking to attain enlightenment alongside their meditite partners.

Are you speaking from experience, Bill? Because to be fair, there’s a difference between this and forgoing basic physical needs to write your senior thesis. —LH

What difference would that be? —Bill

Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308
Entry: The evolved form of meditite, by battle experience. Through years of hardcore meditation and extended periods of near starvation, this pokémon is able to develop both telekinetic and aura-viewing powers. It is said that the closer it gets to spiritual enlightenment by denying itself earthly pleasures—including food—the easier it is for a medicham to view auras in the form of brilliantly colored lights.

Oh, much like you what you were experiencing by the end of finals week. I stand corrected. —LH

At least I passed. —Bill

According to our proctors, yes. According to the ER physician, no. —LH

Mienfoo and Mienshao

Mienfoo
The Martial Arts Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 619
Entry: In terms of power, this small, ermine-like pokémon is far outclassed by practically every fighting-type in existence. However, it makes up for its lack of power by its speed and skill, both of which enable it to execute complex, devastating strategies faster than the average machop can throw a punch. This is, in short, one of those extremely rare times when “what it lacks in strength it makes up for with skill” when applied to a diminutive, adorable, mascot-like creature is both true and something to be taken seriously.

Mienshao
The Martial Arts Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 620
Entry: The evolved form of mienfoo, by battle experience. While it retains many of the flowing, masterful techniques it knew as a mienfoo, mienshao also gains long, whip-like locks of fur on its arms, which it uses to whip opponents with quick, strong, devastating motions. Incidentally, contrary to what certain types of media and the Sinnohan administrator may lead you to believe, being whipped by soft fur is far less pleasant than it looks.

Throh and Sawk

Throh
The Judo Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 538
Entry: This oni-like pokémon is extremely proud of its power, yet constantly travel in packs of five. When a group of throh encounter opponents bigger than themselves, they pool their collective strength together in an attempt to throw such an obstacle. This is, indeed, about as hilarious as it sounds, especially when the foe in question is a metagross.

Sawk
The Karate Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 539
Entry: Unlike members of its bulkier cousin species, sawk is a solitary pokémon, opting to train alone by punching and chopping boulders. This pokémon is famous for its intense training habits, as it is known not only for never sleeping once it begins, but also for striking the boulders it practices on so hard that its every move may be heard throughout the mountains in which it trains. Why would it train this hard? Very likely because it shares its territory with packs of throh and is, unfortunately, lighter and easier to throw than five throh combined.

Scraggy and Scrafty

Scraggy
The Shedding Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fighting
Official Registration #: 559
Entry: These native Unovans will immediately headbutt anyone who makes direct eye contact with them. Now that the author has summarized his last encounters with the people of Castelia City, this lizard-like pokémon is proud of its sturdy skull and the cushion provided by its elastic skin, which it uses in combination for its primary fighting technique, the headbutt.

Scrafty
The Hoodlum Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fighting
Official Registration #: 560
Entry: The evolved form of scraggy, by battle experience. These pokémon protect themselves with their stretchy skin when kicking, largely because this technique shields their faces from debris, a necessity due to the fact that their kicks can smash concrete blocks. It is said groups of these native Unovans will beat up anything that enters their territories … which, incidentally, also describes one of the last evenings the author had spent in Castelia City.

Unova Legendaries, Part III

Keldeo
The Colt Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 647
Entry: According to legends, Keldeo is known for two things: first, its ability to run across the surface of oceans and rivers by using its ability to emit jets of water from its hooves, and second, its desire to join the Swords of Justice. It wanders across the globe and battles using its highly acrobatic style in order to someday prove itself to the other three members of the legendary group. In that sense, Keldeo may be seen as a metaphor for pokémon training, including and especially regarding its journey to prove itself to figures who are questionable role models at best. And yes, this author is in fact referring to certain members of the Pokémon League who shall remain nameless but whose names rhyme with “Balder,” “Brimsley,” and “Hauntal.”

Unova Legendaries, Part II

Cobalion
The Iron Will Pokémon
Type: Steel/Fighting
Official Registration #: 638
Entry: Said to be the most charismatic member of the legendary group known as the Swords of Justice. Long ago, when Unova was engulfed in war, this goat-like legendary appeared to do battle against mankind and protect pokémon from human violence. Some say Cobalion had the right idea, and there are times when, quite frankly, this author can’t argue with that.

Terrakion
The Cavern Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fighting
Official Registration #: 639
Entry: Said to be the brawniest member of the Swords of Justice, capable of toppling castle walls with a single blow. Long ago, when Unova was engulfed in war, this legendary is said to have protected pokémon that had lost their homes to human violence … by destroying entire settlements, villages, fortresses, and other establishments of human civilization. Terrakion then went on to become a symbol of the Unovan military philosophy, because if there are two things no other institution can do better than the Unovan military, it’s seeking out the least productive methods of solving problems and missing the point entirely. (On that note, the author would like to announce his acquisition of several ground-types to Lt. Surge, former officer of the Unovan Army.)

Virizion
The Grassland Pokémon
Type: Grass/Fighting
Official Registration #: 640
Entry: Said to be the swiftest member of the Swords of Justice, whose battle style consists of confounding opponents with ultra-swift moves. Long ago, when Unova was engulfed in war, this legendary is said to have focused completely on protecting its pokémon friends, rather than going after humans or human settlements directly. Because of this interest in the well-being of its own kind and its focus on actual strategy, certain pokémon experts wonder if it is a native to Unova at all.

The Machop Line

Machop
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 66
Entry: A short, humanoid pokémon native to the mountains of Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn. Although machop is small and slight, do not be deceived: it possesses super strength and trains itself by lifting multiple geodude for hours each day. Moreover, it is a natural at martial arts and is capable of mastering multiple forms shortly after hatching. All of this, of course, is exactly what researchers tell one another to reassure themselves that getting beaten into a broken pulp by a pokémon the size and stature of a toddler is perfectly explainable by science and has absolutely nothing to do with the researcher’s own physical prowess.

Machoke
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 67
Entry: The evolved form of machop, by battle experience. Machoke are, in general, highly proud of their muscles, which are toned to the point where each one possesses the hardness of steel. The average machoke enjoys showing off these muscles and the strength associated with them, and as such, machoke are happiest when performing any job that requires manual labor around humans or other pokémon. Given that this is a well-toned, humanoid creature that may be captured and tamed by humans for the express purpose of lifting things, it should be worth it to note that its desire to show off is completely innocent and has nothing to do with whatever the Sinnohan administrator may be thinking. Furthermore, it is worth it to remind her that pokémon-human relations are generally frowned upon in most cultures for a reason.

Machamp
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 68
Entry: The evolved form of machoke, via trading. A master of every form of martial arts in existence, machamp possesses four arms that are capable of firing over 1000 punches in two seconds, lift passenger jets with ease, and throw an adult man over the horizon. According to the Sinnohan administrator, machamp is also “pretty bara for a pokémon.” The author is not entirely sure what this means, but given the other things the Sinnohan storage system administrator has said about pokémon lately, he is inclined to say no, it is not.

How about rating Poliwag? Because Poliwag is the cutest and deserves 2 thumbs up

Indeed it does, good reader! Thank you for your patience for this entry while we finished the starters series, incidentally.

Poliwag
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 60
Entry: Newly hatched, a poliwag possesses underdeveloped skin through which one can see its black, spiral-like internal organs. It is therefore possible to watch food pass through its digestive system, which is a point of fascination to both novice students of biology and pokémon nutrition … as well as certain facets of the internet consisting of talented artists with rather interesting tastes.

Poliwhirl
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 61
Entry: The evolved form of poliwag, by battle experience. Poliwhirl’s internal organs are not only visible beneath its translucent skin (as are both poliwag’s and poliwrath’s), but these organs also undulate subtly with its every heartbeat, which induces a hypnotic effect in observing humans. Additionally, in order to protect itself, poliwhirl secrete a mucus that makes its body slippery and contains very mild hallucinogenic properties. Finally, because of its prevalence in the clear lakes of Kanto and Johto, poliwhirl are highly popular among college students looking for a cheap and easily obtainable pet … which the author is assured has absolutely nothing to do with the first two facts whatsoever. He doesn’t even know why he added those facts; that was really weird.

Poliwrath
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 62
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, by exposure to water stone. Poliwrath possesses many of the qualities of its past forms, including a visible digestive system and the ability to produce mucus, in addition to a highly developed muscular system that it only obtains upon evolution. While the following act was popular in the past, it is highly inadvisable to lick a poliwrath (in order to access its mucus’s hallucinogenic properties), not because this is awkward and highly uncomfortable for the pokémon nor because large doses of the chemical that induces hallucinations could be toxic to humans but instead because one should perhaps not lick something that can do the front crawl or breaststroke nonstop across the Pacific Ocean without its express permission. (Why you would consider doing this in the first place is, of course, a complete mystery to the author and is certainly not something he has ever done himself.)

Politoed
The Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 186
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, when traded while the subject is holding a king’s rock. Among other members of the poliwag line, politoed is considered to be a “king,” likely because of the rarity and difficulty in obtaining a king’s rock; only the strongest poliwhirl may be able to do it. Likewise, as the curl on its head is related to the specimen’s health, the longer the curl, the stronger the politoed, and the stronger the politoed, the higher up in the poliwag clan hierarchy it is. This all is, of course, highly majestic among the pokémon kingdom, yet to humans, politoed is considered to be “that pokémon you dissect in high school biology”—or, to the Kaloseans “delicious when lightly fried with shallots.”

The Chespin Line

Chespin
The Spiny Nut Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 650
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kalos. Also a small, rodent-like pokémon native to the thick forests of the aforementioned region. Although this pokémon’s spines are normally soft and pleasant to touch, it can tense them at any time into points that are capable of piercing into solid rock. Thus, regardless of how cute and tame a chespin may look, it is somewhat ill-advised to pet this pokémon.

Quilladin
The Spiny Armor Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 651
Entry: The evolved form of chespin, by battle experience. A hardy but peaceful pokémon, quilladin prefer not to fight, but if they do, they can easily protect themselves using their hardened wood armor, which boasts a weight and sturdiness comparable to the quebracho tree family. Supposedly, in rare cases, quilladin are capable of forming wooden armor hard enough to resist bullets, but testing whether or not your quilladin is capable of this is also somewhat ill-advised.

Chesnaught
The Spiny Armor Pokémon
Type: Grass/Fighting
Official Registration #: 652
Entry: The evolved form of quilladin, by battle experience. Valued among trainers for their unrivaled physical defensive abilities, chesnaught support enough bulk to overturn a tank with one Tackle, as well as armor hard enough to withstand an electrode’s Explosion. As a side note, attacking your chesnaught with a tank or detonating an electrode right beside it in order to test its defensive capabilities is also somewhat ill-advised.