Rufflet and Braviary

bills-pokedex:

Rufflet
The Eaglet Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 627
Entry: An eagle-like pokémon known for its particularly fascinating tendency to stand up to any opponent, no matter how large or powerful they may be. This is, in general, an honorable behavior to display. It is important to stand up for your principles, after all, even if those principles result in you rolling down Cycling Road in a trash bin because you decided to stand up to the Celadon University rugby team while conveniently forgetting that you lack any sort of battling skills, hand-to-hand combat training, or, in fact, any semblance of hand-eye coordination.

To your credit, at least it was casserole day, so you had a cushion and free dinner. —LH

Braviary
The Valiant Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 628
Entry: The evolved form of rufflet, by battle experience. A large, eagle-like pokémon that will fight for its friends, regardless of the risks to itself. Because of this behavior, braviary has been taken to be a symbol of sorts to various regions and nations—including and especially Unova, where braviary represents FREEDOM. Which is, as the writer understands it from his good friends on the internet, a distinctly separate concept from freedom, as FREEDOM apparently involves far more fireworks, guns, ursaring, and acts of throwing perfectly good tea into a questionably good harbor.

Mega Braviary
The Valiant Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 628+
Entry: The advanced form of braviary, via heightened FREEDOM. It’s just a braviary with more guns, less inhibitions, and a questionable moral compass. Its hobbies include speaking very loudly and dumping perfectly good tea into harbors.

Bill … this pokémon doesn’t even exist. Are you just posting this because you’re still angry about that one time someone dumped tea into your pond? —LH

I didn’t think he’d actually do it! —Bill

Hoenn Legendaries! Mostly Rayquaza. :D

bills-pokedex:

Well, there are certainly a number of fascinating stories about the Hoenn region, and a single post can’t quite do them all justice. For that reason, let this be the first in a (half-)week-long Hoenn special.

Starting with, of course:

Rayquaza
The Sky High Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 384
Entry: According to Hoennian lore, this legendary dragon has lived for millions of years in the uppermost layers of the planet’s atmosphere, and because of how far high and how fast it flies, only recently (comparatively speaking) has humanity developed the technology that makes it possible to see Rayquaza in flight. Otherwise, it does not leave this part of the atmosphere except for when Earth is in imminent danger. Rather, it glides ever vigilantly across the sky, sleeping rarely and eating nothing but the tops of thunderclouds and incoming meteoroids. The author really has nothing funny to say about Rayquaza; he just thinks the idea of an eternal, meteoroid-consuming dragon flying across the edge of space is awesome.

Mega Rayquaza
The Sky High Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 384+
Entry:
The advanced form of Rayquaza, via heightened draconic energies. According to ancient legend of the Draconid people, the legendary Rayquaza is capable of mega evolving if it engages in the ancient dance of Dragon Ascent after consuming a meteorite. This is only partially true. While Rayquaza can indeed mega evolve upon executing Dragon Ascent, its body is apparently not all that discerning when it comes to what it needs to consume in order to obtain enough cosmic energies for mega evolution. While meteors are indeed among the possible objects Rayquaza can consume for such energy, it’s more common that Rayquaza’s mega evolutions are powered by the souls of minior.

You’re welcome.

The Bagon Line

bills-pokedex:

Bagon
The Rock Head Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 371
Entry: A small, dragon-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. The most notable fact about this dragon-like pokémon is its passion for learning how to fly. Indeed, it believes it can fly. It believes it can touch the sky. It thinks about it every night and day: spreading its wings and flying away.

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you know that song in the first place or the fact that you’re not above quoting it in lieu of a proper entry. —LH

Shelgon
The Endurance Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 372
Entry: The evolved form of bagon, by battle experience. Shelgon is essentially the ultimate middle evolution. It represents the crossroads between the ever idealistic bagon with its dreams of flying and the high-flying salamence. However, in the process, shelgon is also literally a chrysalis, a stage in which a member of the bagon family slowly turns into a flight-capable pokémon, cell by cell. As such, shelgon possesses a hard, armor-like shell that fully protects it from any physical assault during its transformation. Although such a shell is rock-hard, it’s also extremely cumbersome, and because of this, most shelgon are slow and sluggish. This, of course, is a good thing—not because its slow pace allows it to focus on bracing for impact and more because it allows the average researcher to test exactly how durable this shell and then run away before enduring a Bite themselves.

Salamence
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 373
Entry: The evolved form of shelgon, by battle experience. Also: a large, dragon-like pokémon that is roughly the size and shape of a winged wailmer. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way this pokémon should be able to fly. Its wings are too awkwardly shaped to get its hefty body off the ground. The salamence, of course, flies anyway because it doesn’t care what humans think is impossible.

Okay, now you’re just being lazy. It’s not even a bee. —LH

To be fair, it’s a dragon-type, dragon-like pokémon the Symposium saw fit to call “the dragon pokémon.” I firmly believe I’m the least lazy person involved with distributing information about it. —Bill

Mega Salamence
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 373+
Entry: The advanced form of salamence, via salamencite. Pokédex entries about this pokémon’s viciousness are greatly exaggerated. While it’s very true that mega salamence descend from the skies at high speeds and that in doing so, it may slice an opponent in half, in reality, this has less to do with its temper or lust for violence and more to do with the fact that its new form is not, generally speaking, designed for steering.

Swablu and Altaria

bills-pokedex:

Swablu
The Cotton Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 333
Entry: A small, bluebird-like pokémon most commonly found in the mountains of Hoenn. This gentle pokémon is known for its highly friendly demeanor towards humans. When a human wanders into their territory, swablu like to swoop in and settle onto the human’s head like a hat made of down and soft, pillowy cotton. This specific behavior is likely due to the swablu’s preference for soft, pliable building materials for their nests, so therefore, it is said that if a swablu settles on you, then it deems you both trustworthy and comfortable. If, however, two swablu settle on you and proceed to lay eggs on your head, then they deem you extremely trustworthy and comfortable. Or at least this is what the author’s partner and editor assured him when he suddenly found himself with an entire team of swablu.

Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 334
Entry: The evolved form of swablu, by battle experience. This graceful pokémon is known for its singing ability and its soft, cloud-like wings. When bonding with its trainer, an altaria will envelope said trainer in its wings and sing a beautiful, soothing melody to lull them to sleep. Or, at least, scientists assume this is an act of bonding and that any unfortunate mishaps involving dense wings and songs that lull a human to sleep are entirely accidental. This is also something the author’s editor (or, rather, her sister) assures him whenever her altaria shows “displays of affection” and “excitement to see him.”

Mega Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Fairy
Official Registration #: 334+
Entry: The advanced form of altaria, via altarianite. The mega evolution of altaria is noted for being far more sociable and vocal than its base form. It’s highly affectionate, and it often sings a soothing, melodic tone when it’s about to display affection towards a given target. This is handy for said target, by the way, should he wish to not be smothered to near death by a cloud of feathers from a very familiar altaria. Again.

The Pidgey Line

{Short note of explanation: The following is a complete rewrite of the pidgey line’s pokédex entries, rather than simply an entry for mega pidgeot. This probably won’t be a common thing but rather just a thing that might happen from time to time with the least funny entries. Sorry! Carry on!}

Pidgey
The Tiny Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, extremely common bird-like pokémon native to Kanto. This pokémon is popular among younger trainers, not only for how easy it is to catch and train but also because humans apparently take delight in calling a nearly direct descendant of the majestic dinosaur pokémon “birb,” “smol boi,” and/or “four pounds of whoop-[EXPLETIVE].”

Pidgeotto
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. The crest on its head is a set of feathers that help stabilize this pokémon during high-speed flight. However, the author will not discourage anyone from assuming that they are “leafs” that pidgeotto “wears on its head to enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. The author can neither confirm nor deny whether or not this pokémon would sell its trainers to Giratina for one corn chip, but he can say it’s more likely for pidgeot to do it than honchkrow.

Mega Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18+
Entry: The advanced form of pidgeot, via pidgeotite. This bird-like pokémon keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone. You may think the author is quoting yet another bird-themed meme, but actually, no, that is a literal and scientifically accurate statement.

Scyther and Scizor

bills-pokedex:

Scyther
The Mantis Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 123
Entry: Contrary to popular belief, scyther are not inherently violent and easily enraged pokémon. They are, in actuality, extremely proud pokémon with a full range of emotions, including compassion. It just so happens that they have scythes for hands and the alien morality of an insectoid species, and these tend to get in the way of what human beings would define as “compassion.”

Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212
Entry: The evolved form of scyther, via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. Upon evolution, scyther’s signature blades metamorphose into scizor’s pincers. One would think that an absence of a cutting edge along with the maturation induced by evolution would render scizor a safer pokémon to handle than its preevolved counterpart, but in actuality, it uses its pincers—now reinforced with a steel-like exoskeleton—to violently hammer anything into the ground, be it an enemy pokémon, a piece of machinery, or an innocently bystanding researcher who in no way provoked said scizor.

Mega Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212+
Entry: The advanced form of scizor, via scizorite. Mega scizor is a subject of interest to scientists due to its fantastic levels of instability in combat. To pokémonologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some pokémon can mega evolve while others cannot. To sociologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some trainers are fantastically terrible people who insist on using mega scizor anyway.

Pinsir

bills-pokedex:

Pinsir
The Stag Beetle Pokémon
Type: Bug
Official Registration #: 127
Entry: A large, beetle-like pokémon native to the dark forests of Kanto and Kalos. Pinsir attacks by gripping their prey within their giant, thorny pincers and pulling until their victims are torn in half. While this is a terrifying tactic indeed, it should be rather interesting to note that pinsir lack the strength to open their pincers again, which means this pokémon may be easily defeated simply by holding its pincers shut. This is about as comical on the battlefield as one would think, especially when basic-level grass-types with Vine Whip are involved.

Mega Pinsir
The Stag Beetle Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 127+
Entry: The advanced form of pinsir, via pinsirite. Contrary to popular belief, pinsirite only slightly boosts pinsir’s capabilities. That is to say, all pinsir have wings; it’s simply that pinsirite and mega evolution strengthen those wings enough to fly. Which is of course may be of some comfort to anyone who might have tested the validity of the above entry regarding a depowered pinsir and, more specifically, its jaw strength. Or in other words, should you have tried testing the claims mentioned in the entry concerning non-mega pinsir, at the very least, when the subject in question abruptly flies at you, the result will only slightly hurt.

Kanto Starters II: Charmander

bills-pokedex:

Charmander
The Lizard Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 4
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, charmander are the hardest to raise. This is a fairly understandable statement. Charmander are naturally energetic, and their fire element means they don’t do well against Pewter or Cerulean’s gyms. More importantly, however, charmander are considered a challenge to raise because of the flame at the tip of their tails. A physical representation of charmander’s health and emotions, this flame must be meticulously kept, not only because allowing it to become extinguished would kill the host charmander but also because it is an actual flame that will react to Kanto’s abundance of fields full of dry, tall grass just about as well as you think it would.

Charmeleon
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 5
Entry: The evolved form of charmander, by battle experience. Charmeleon are thought to be merciless, bloodthirsty pokémon that will attack foes with their sharp claws and intense flames. This is not necessarily true. While some charmeleon are indeed that aggressive, the vast majority of them are actually simply outgoing. It just so happens that the flame on a charmeleon’s tail grows hotter and taller whenever its host is excited, and charmeleon itself is a very excitable pokémon. As for the note concerning its claws, evidently, a charmeleon’s first instinct upon accidentally setting its new friends on fire with its tail is to smack the flames in an attempt to smother them with their hands. It’s just that charmeleon also unfortunately forget that they have claws, so their attempts to help are often not particularly helpful.

Charizard
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 6
Entry: The evolved form of charmeleon, by battle experience. Stories throughout Europe tell of ancient charizard flying on giant wings and using its flame breath to burn the countryside, the peasants, and the people in their thatched-roof cottages. Only heroes brave enough and with water-types strong enough were able to vanquish this threat and bring peace to the land. Of course, the validity of these claims are debatable. While charizard’s preferred fighting style is indeed a combination of flying over its opponents and breathing flames that reach temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees, historical evidence seems to point to the notion that the stories concerning giant charizard terrorizing the countryside were made up by bored young men who would have liked to think they were braver, funnier, and more attractive than they actually were.

Mega Charizard X
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Dragon
Official Registration #: 6+
Entry: The advanced form of charizard, via charizardite X. Upon mega evolution using charizardite X, the fire that burns within this pokémon gains mystical properties that in turn imbues it with an affinity for the dragon element, rather than flying. This same process leaves charizard with the appearance of something fresh from a heavy metal album cover; thus, the answer to the age-old question about base charizard’s flying-type is, in the words of the author’s Sinnohan counterpart, because “charizard isn’t normally rad enough.”

Mega Charizard Y
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 6+
Entry: The advanced form of charizard, via charizardite Y. In contrast to charizardite X, charizardite Y keeps charizard’s affinity for the flying type intact but heavily boosts its affinity for fire instead. It does this by granting charizard a number of unique traits, including extra wings to fan its flames, healthier flame sacs, and most importantly, Drought, the very ability that Groudon used to dry up the seas and create continents. So if for trainers who have ever wanted to wield the literal power of a god in the body of a dragon bred to be as loyal and intelligent as a pet dog … charizardite Y can be found in a number of specialty jewelry shops in Kalos and Hoenn.

Aerodactyl

bills-pokedex:

Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142
Entry: A ferocious, pterosaur-like pokémon that once ruled the skies of ancient Kanto. Aerodactyl is noteworthy in that it helped establish many practices used in modern paleo-pokémon ethology, which itself is an extremely specific but fascinating field. Much of what goes into paleo-pokémon ethology is guesswork, really. For example, when one sees a set of serrated teeth such as those of aerodactyl, one can safely assume that this pokémon used them for cutting into meat. When one sees wings and claws, one can assume that the pokémon in question was an aerial hunter. Of course, this method of hypothesizing and assuming behaviors based on physical traits of fossilized remains is not infallible. For another example, it was once assumed that aerodactyl was a vicious, fearless hunter, but recent resurrections of specimens using fossil revival technology has proven that aerodactyl are more like very large, very confused, very vocal parakeets.

Mega Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142+ 
Entry: The advanced form of aerodactyl, via aerodactylite. Some experts believe that the mega evolved form—with its boost in power, its generally violent temper, and its myriad of stone spikes and claws covering its rough skin—is the actual, true, original form of the aerodactyl species. Others recognize that there is actual fossil evidence to the contrary that has been part of public knowledge for decades, but this school of thought doesn’t have the heart to tell members of the other camp that they’re [REDACTED].

If you’re not willing to do a professor dex, why would you say this about other members of the Symposium? —LH

Because it’s true, and Professor Oak isn’t included in that first camp. —Bill

Oh, that second part explains it. —LH

Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.