Well, there are certainly a number of fascinating stories about the Hoenn region, and a single post can’t quite do them all justice. For that reason, let this be the first in a (half-)week-long Hoenn special.
Starting with, of course:
Rayquaza The Sky High Pokémon Type: Dragon/Flying Official Registration #: 384 Entry: According to Hoennian lore, this legendary dragon has lived for millions of years in the uppermost layers of the planet’s atmosphere, and because of how far high and how fast it flies, only recently (comparatively speaking) has humanity developed the technology that makes it possible to see Rayquaza in flight. Otherwise, it does not leave this part of the atmosphere except for when Earth is in imminent danger. Rather, it glides ever vigilantly across the sky, sleeping rarely and eating nothing but the tops of thunderclouds and incoming meteoroids. The author really has nothing funny to say about Rayquaza; he just thinks the idea of an eternal, meteoroid-consuming dragon flying across the edge of space is awesome.
Mega Rayquaza The Sky High Pokémon Type: Dragon/Flying Official Registration #: 384+ Entry: The advanced form of Rayquaza, via heightened draconic energies. According to ancient legend of the Draconid people, the legendary Rayquaza is capable of mega evolving if it engages in the ancient dance of Dragon Ascent after consuming a meteorite. This is only partially true. While Rayquaza can indeed mega evolve upon executing Dragon Ascent, its body is apparently not all that discerning when it comes to what it needs to consume in order to obtain enough cosmic energies for mega evolution. While meteors are indeed among the possible objects Rayquaza can consume for such energy, it’s more common that Rayquaza’s mega evolutions are powered by the souls of minior.
I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you know that song in the first place or the fact that you’re not above quoting it in lieu of a proper entry. —LH
Shelgon The Endurance Pokémon Type: Dragon Official Registration #: 372 Entry: The evolved form of bagon, by battle experience. Shelgon is essentially the ultimate middle evolution. It represents the crossroads between the ever idealistic bagon with its dreams of flying and the high-flying salamence. However, in the process, shelgon is also literally a chrysalis, a stage in which a member of the bagon family slowly turns into a flight-capable pokémon, cell by cell. As such, shelgon possesses a hard, armor-like shell that fully protects it from any physical assault during its transformation. Although such a shell is rock-hard, it’s also extremely cumbersome, and because of this, most shelgon are slow and sluggish. This, of course, is a good thing—not because its slow pace allows it to focus on bracing for impact and more because it allows the average researcher to test exactly how durable this shell and then run away before enduring a Bite themselves.
Salamence The Dragon Pokémon Type: Dragon/Flying Official Registration #: 373 Entry: The evolved form of shelgon, by battle experience. Also: a large, dragon-like pokémon that is roughly the size and shape of a winged wailmer. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way this pokémon should be able to fly. Its wings are too awkwardly shaped to get its hefty body off the ground. The salamence, of course, flies anyway because it doesn’t care what humans think is impossible.
Okay, now you’re just being lazy. It’s not even a bee. —LH
To be fair, it’s a dragon-type, dragon-like pokémon the Symposium saw fit to call “the dragon pokémon.” I firmly believe I’m the least lazy person involved with distributing information about it. —Bill
Mega Salamence The Dragon Pokémon Type: Dragon/Flying Official Registration #: 373+ Entry: The advanced form of salamence, via salamencite. Pokédex entries about this pokémon’s viciousness are greatly exaggerated. While it’s very true that mega salamence descend from the skies at high speeds and that in doing so, it may slice an opponent in half, in reality, this has less to do with its temper or lust for violence and more to do with the fact that its new form is not, generally speaking, designed for steering.
Swablu The Cotton Bird Pokémon Type: Normal/Flying Official Registration #: 333 Entry: A small, bluebird-like pokémon most commonly found in the mountains of Hoenn. This gentle pokémon is known for its highly friendly demeanor towards humans. When a human wanders into their territory, swablu like to swoop in and settle onto the human’s head like a hat made of down and soft, pillowy cotton. This specific behavior is likely due to the swablu’s preference for soft, pliable building materials for their nests, so therefore, it is said that if a swablu settles on you, then it deems you both trustworthy and comfortable. If, however, two swablu settle on you and proceed to lay eggs on your head, then they deem you extremely trustworthy and comfortable. Or at least this is what the author’s partner and editor assured him when he suddenly found himself with an entire team of swablu.
Altaria The Humming Pokémon Type: Dragon/Flying Official Registration #: 334 Entry: The evolved form of swablu, by battle experience. This graceful pokémon is known for its singing ability and its soft, cloud-like wings. When bonding with its trainer, an altaria will envelope said trainer in its wings and sing a beautiful, soothing melody to lull them to sleep. Or, at least, scientists assume this is an act of bonding and that any unfortunate mishaps involving dense wings and songs that lull a human to sleep are entirely accidental. This is also something the author’s editor (or, rather, her sister) assures him whenever her altaria shows “displays of affection” and “excitement to see him.”
Mega Altaria The Humming Pokémon Type: Dragon/Fairy Official Registration #: 334+ Entry: The advanced form of altaria, via altarianite. The mega evolution of altaria is noted for being far more sociable and vocal than its base form. It’s highly affectionate, and it often sings a soothing, melodic tone when it’s about to display affection towards a given target. This is handy for said target, by the way, should he wish to not be smothered to near death by a cloud of feathers from a very familiar altaria. Again.
Sableye The Darkness Pokémon Type: Dark/Ghost Official Registration #: 302 Entry: A small, imp-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. In the wild, this pokémon subsists entirely on the jewels and precious stones found in its native habitat. It consumes so many of these on a daily basis that parts of its body have crystalized into gem-like forms. This includes its eyes; at birth, wild sableye actually possess two completely organic eyeballs. It’s just that these eyes harden into a diamond-like substance over time. Domestically bred sableye, however, possess these diamond eyes from the start, due to the fact that trainers and breeders wishing to hatch sableye are extremely careful in maintaining a high mineral content not only in the parents’ diet but also in the incubator holding the egg. And this is done because wild newborn sableye typically look like this:
Mega Sableye The Darkness Pokémon Type: Dark/Ghost Official Registration #: 302+ Entry: The advanced form of sableye, via sablenite. The surge of power from mega evolution causes this pokémon’s jewel to burst from its chest and expand to a size that’s both taller and ten times heavier than the host sableye, which enables it to be used as a shield (albeit one too heavy and unwieldy for the sableye to move).
The author admits that there is no punchline to this entry. He’s simply delighted to have another opportunity to share the above image with all of you again.
Mawile The Deceiver Pokémon Type: Steel/Fairy Official Registration #: 303 Entry: A small, childlike pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. This pokémon is famous for its giant and fantastically strong set of false jaws growing from its head. Trainers should take caution: the front of this pokémon looks adorable, a fact that this pokémon uses to its advantage in order to lure in prey. When prey is close enough, it turns abruptly and chomps down on the unsuspecting victim with its false jaws. As for its strength, mawile is capable of biting through steel beams. Its false jaws, meanwhile, can do much worse.
Mega Mawile The Deceiver Pokémon Type: Steel/Fairy Official Registration #: 303+ Entry: The advanced form of mawile, via mawilite. Should anyone wish to know why mawile grows a second false jaw upon mega evolution, the answer is simple: one is for gripping a victim with a bite force so strong escape becomes impossible, while the other is for viciously tearing said victim apart. Although, really, if you’ve attempted to physically assault a creature whose modus operandi in its base form is to lull a victim into a false sense of security with its cute face and then whip its single set of jaws at them, then at the risk of being thoroughly unprofessional, what it does with two sets of jaws should hardly be a surprise.
Beldum The Iron Ball Pokémon Type: Steel/Psychic Official Registration #: 374 Entry: A magnetic pokémon rare in but native to the mountains of Hoenn and Sinnoh. It uses its magnetism to move and communicate with other beldum, both of which are essential to it, as its movepool is limited. More specifically, until evolution, beldum only learn one move naturally: Take Down, a devastating physical move in which it rams itself into its opponent, dealing damage to both itself and its target. As an aside, given the shape of this pokémon and the aforementioned fact, it is worth it to note that “rams itself into its opponent” is also not a euphemism, Bebe, and quite frankly, the author is horrified by the fact that anyone thinks it would be.
Metang The Iron Claw Pokémon Type: Steel/Psychic Official Registration #: 375 Entry: The evolved form of beldum, by battle experience. When two beldum become very close, their magnetism draws them closer together until they fuse at the head to form a larger, faster, and stronger pokémon gifted with a higher sense of enlightenment and intelligence. To answer Bebe’s question, no, this is not a metaphor, nor is this an accurate description of how certain organs the author and people like him would work during any sort of biological function outside of terribly written and highly bizarre slash fanfiction.
Metagross The Iron Leg Pokémon Type: Steel/Psychic Official Registration #: 376 Entry: The evolved form of metagross, by battle experience. Much akin to beldum evolution, metagross form when two metang fuse. The resulting pokémon is not only physically and magically powerful (in that it is capable of launching both devastating physical attacks and devastating psychic attacks) but also highly intelligent. The combined brains of the constituent metang work in unison, allowing the metagross’s brain as a whole to function as a highly efficient supercomputer. …This, of course, is what makes metagross interesting, not the first thing in this entry, yet the author’s Sinnohan colleague is writing the fanfiction anyway.
Mega Metagross The Iron Leg Pokémon Type: Steel/Psychic Official Registration #: 376+ Entry: The advanced form of metagross, via metagrossite. As a result of the power surge from mega evolution, this already fiercely intelligent and extremely powerful pokémon becomes a veritable force of nature on the battlefield. That is to say, mega metagross combines newly sharpened intellect with incredible offensive capabilities to engage in battles so brutal and strategically destructive that opponents—and stadiums—are often rendered utterly out of commission for weeks. Another interesting fact: mega metagross is the signature mega evolution of the champion of Hoenn, Steven Stone. Just … as an unrelated side note that in no way is relevant to the author’s partner.
I can’t tell if you’re trying to dissuade me from having an entirely platonic relationship with Steven because you’re jealous of him or of me. —LH
I don’t see how any part of that could possibly indicate that I’m at all jealous of either of you. —Bill
…okay, maybe I’m a little jealous of you. How did you manage to get invited to coffee with him anyway?! I’ve been talking to him about rare stones and pokémon for years, and we’re barely on a first-name basis! —Bill
Meditite The Meditate Pokémon Type: Fighting/Psychic Official Registration #: 307 Entry: In order to heighten its spiritual and physical strength, this monkey-like pokémon undergoes rigorous training in mountainous areas. This training involves extreme methods such as meditating for hours and consuming only one berry a day. It should be noted that this sort of exercise is extremely taxing on the body and should not be undertaken by any unprepared human trainers seeking to attain enlightenment alongside their meditite partners.
Are you speaking from experience, Bill? Because to be fair, there’s a difference between this and forgoing basic physical needs to write your senior thesis. —LH
What difference would that be? —Bill
Medicham The Meditate Pokémon Type: Fighting/Psychic Official Registration #: 308 Entry: The evolved form of meditite, by battle experience. Through years of hardcore meditation and extended periods of near starvation, this pokémon is able to develop both telekinetic and aura-viewing powers. It is said that the closer it gets to spiritual enlightenment by denying itself earthly pleasures—including food—the easier it is for a medicham to view auras in the form of brilliantly colored lights.
Oh, much like you what you were experiencing by the end of finals week. I stand corrected. —LH
At least I passed. —Bill
According to our proctors, yes. According to the ER physician, no. —LH
Mega Medicham The Meditate Pokémon Type: Fighting/Psychic Official Registration #: 308+ Entry: The advanced form of medicham, via medichamite. Thanks to the boost in power from mega evolution, combined with its years of intense training, mega medicham is able to achieve a form that grants it a set of spectral hands. These hands grow increasingly more corporeal the more meditation and training the medicham has had, until it gains at least two sets of perfectly functioning hands with which to fight or, well, work. That is to say, mega medicham is one of the few pokémon that become more efficient with a combination of sleep deprivation and lack of self-care, which is a feat that the author envies just a little.
If it makes you feel any better, the reason why Brigette and I dragged you to the hospital that one time was because you were so sleep-deprived you thought you actually had more than one set of hands… —LH
Fair point. But now that I think about it, I could probably achieve the same results as a mega medicham through more practical methods. —Bill
I really hope you’re not about to suggest something involving your teleporter and a sample of medicham DNA. —LH
I was actually thinking of machamp DNA, but if you’re going to be like that about it… —Bill
Mudkip The Mud Fish Pokémon Type: Water Official Registration #: 258 Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, amphibious pokémon native to Hoennian rivers. It uses its large head fin to sense the flow of water and its large back fin to propel itself through turbulent currents with surprising power for its size. Likewise, the large gills on its cheek allow it to breathe even in the murkiest, muddiest depths, and its physical strength alone allows it to pick up and push boulders along river bottoms. In general, mudkip is a fascinating pokémon, and this is because the species itself carries a number of interesting qualities, not because someone “herd u liek it.”
Marshtomp The Mud Fish Pokémon Type: Water/Ground Official Registration #: 259 Entry: The evolved form of mudkip, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon primarily native to rivers and banks, marshtomp had to develop strong, bulky legs to compensate for the fact that its habitat lacks stable footing. Thus, marshtomp is capable of literally standing through even the fiercest earthquakes, the likes of which routinely plague its volcanic home region of Hoenn. A less composed young researcher would likely say that marshtomp has had the foresight to “not skip leg day,” but luckily, the writer is not the storage system administrator of Sinnoh.
Swampert The Mud Fish Pokémon Type: Water/Ground Official Registration #: 260 Entry: The evolved form of marshtomp, by battle experience. Never let its seemingly cute species name fool you. In actuality, swampert is a four-foot-tall mass of pure, sea-tempered muscle. It is powerful enough to tow ships to shore, rend boulders in two with one swipe of its bulky arms, swim against the current of stormy waves, dive to the depths of the Hoennian sea, and spew jets of water that can tear holes in the hull of the ships it had towed to shore at the beginning of this list. About the only thing cute about it is the fact that it still wears a perpetual grin and enjoys belly rubs and literally sucking down insect prey, just like its ancestral cousin, quagsire.
Mega Swampert The Mud Fish Pokémon Type: Water/Ground Official Registration #: 260+ Entry: The advanced form of swampert, via swampertite. Mega swampert is the only starter that doesn’t change drastically in terms of physiology or elemental affinity upon mega evolution. It simply becomes more muscular and adept at punching things … which is why it’s perhaps a bad idea to imply its mega evolution isn’t as interesting as its peers’ while it’s within earshot.
Treecko The Wood Gecko Pokémon Type: Grass Official Registration #: 252 Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. This small gecko pokémon is famous for its calm disposition, which makes it an ideal partner for a beginning trainer. It is said that absolutely nothing shakes it, not even the rage of a forest fire. This, of course, is not entirely true. The calm demeanor it displays at all times actually hides abject panic and other extreme forms of emotion … which, given the fact that trainers routinely and happily face danger on a daily basis without so much as a frown, still makes treecko an ideal partner for a beginning trainer.
Grovyle The Wood Gecko Pokémon Type: Grass Official Registration #: 253 Entry: The evolved form of treecko, by battle experience. Grovyle is noted for its nimbleness. Well-adapted to its native jungle environments, it can skitter up trees and jump from branch to branch with an unrivaled swiftness, making it difficult for pursuers to keep up with it. It should be noted that these pursuers, of course, may include trainers who mistake their calm demeanor during their treecko stage as consent to subject it to extreme stress.
Sceptile The Forest Pokémon Type: Grass Official Registration #: 254 Entry: The evolved form of grovyle, by battle experience. In Hoennian lore, sceptile are traditionally seen as forest guardians. Not only are their jungle combat skills completely unrivaled in the pokémon world (due to both its surprising agility and the sharp leaf blades on its arms), but also, the bulbs on their backs contain seeds that they can plant in order to revitalize parts of their forest homes. It should also be noted that this image of sceptile as a jungle guardian is perhaps only helped by the fact that the aforementioned bulbs explode in order to release the seeds within, yet sceptile, much like its original treecko form, take the violent bursting of parts of their body without even flinching. Needless to say, the disinclination to fight a creature that refuses to show pain is something of a survival adaptation for the rest of the forest.
Mega Sceptile The Forest Pokémon Type: Grass/Dragon Official Registration #: 254+ Entry: The advanced form of sceptile, via sceptilite. As mega sceptile, this pokémon is imbued with the ability to detach its lengthy tail as a form of self-defense. Actually, many lizard pokémon possess this ability; it’s just that mega sceptile is the only one for whom this also entails (forgive the pun) seizing the detached limb and stabbing its attacker with it.
The Pokédex According to Bill 