The Torchic Line

bills-pokedex:

Torchic
The Chick Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 255
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, chick-like pokémon whose natural body temperature is so hot that the fireballs it launches during battle can reach temperatures in excess of 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, in Hoenn, it is said that torchic are very warm to cuddle, but given that these are the same people who live in a region that feature a desert, an active volcano, a dormant volcano, and a tropical jungle, outsiders should take torchic’s cuddliness with a grain of salt.

For your information, it is very cuddly, and someone who had the misfortune of being raised in a region where you don’t see sun for six months out of the year because of the constant rain should perhaps keep his opinions about Hoennians to himself. —LH

The reason why I poke fun at every other region but Hoenn, ladies and gentlemen. —Bill

Combusken
The Young Fowl Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 256
Entry: The evolved form of torchic, by battle experience. A powerful and energetic pokémon, combusken is capable of delivering ten kicks per second, and each kick is capable of rending solid concrete in two. In Hoenn, this has made combusken a prized fighter ideal for taking on the rock- and steel-heavy Hoenn League. In Unova, however, combusken are noted for their muscular legs, which apparently taste wonderful to an Unovan when said legs are breaded, seasoned, and fried in whatever magical oils the local Floccesy Fried Chicken establishment uses.

Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257
Entry: The evolved form of combusken, by battle experience. Upon evolution, blaziken gain the ability to jump thirty-story buildings, set their fists on fire via flame cuffs, breathe jets of flames, and endure hours of intense fighting. Upon mega evolution, it also gains the ability Speed Boost … because that’s exactly what you need a six-foot-tall chicken with fire powers and superhuman martial arts skills to do: gain speed boosts naturally.

Mega Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257+
Entry: The advanced form of blaziken, via blazikenite. As noted in the entry for its base form, blaziken gains the ability Speed Boost upon mega evolution. This ability allows it to launch its notorious flurry of kicks with even greater speed than it would as an ordinary blaziken. It does not, contrary to popular belief, allow blaziken to become a “spicy fast boy,” as the internet puts it.

Electrike and Manectric

bills-pokedex:

Electrike
The Lightning Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 309
Entry: This small, puppy-like pokémon stores static electricity in its fur, which it uses both as added defense and as a means to stimulate its leg muscles. Once its legs are charged, electrike is capable of reaching speeds faster than the human eye … making games of fetch between tamed specimens and humans particularly quick. Be warned, however—upon each successful fetch, electrike enjoys praise and belly rubs, the latter of which has led to an unfortunate number of electrocution incidents in electrike’s native region of Hoenn.

Manectric
The Discharge Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 310
Entry: The evolved form of electrike, by battle experience. In the wild, this dog-like pokémon is rare and frequently avoids humans, but it is not necessarily difficult to find. This is because its pointed main attracts lightning, which it collects in its fur and discharges constantly into the atmosphere around it. Unfortunately for manectric, such discharges lead to equally unfortunate consequences to both human and general surrounding alike, and more than one forest fire and electrocution have been attributed to this pokémon.

Mega Manectric
The Discharge Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 310+
Entry: The advanced form of manectric, via manectite. The fur on this mega evolved pokémon can store hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity. It is therefore not a spiky thunder doggo; please stop trying to pet it for youtube clicks.

Carvanha and Sharpedo

bills-pokedex:

Carvanha
The Savage Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 318
Entry: A piranha-like pokémon native to warm, freshwater rivers. Although carvanha is known for its viciousness, it is actually a highly social pokémon among its own kind. When left in the same body of water with carvanha just as vicious as it is, an individual carvanha specimen will school with others, forming groups capable of ripping apart even the bulkiest wailmer. However, on its own, carvanha become docile, shy, and even a little skittish, which some believe is an accurate depiction of most people who spend any amount of time on the internet.

Sharpedo
The Brutal Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 319
Entry: The evolved form of carvanha, by battle experience. This shark-like pokémon possesses fangs that can rip through the steel hulls of ships (and grow back if they snap off in their efforts to do so), barbed skin capable of lacerating anything that comes into physical contact with it, powerful fins that can propel it up to 75 miles per hour at prey, and a keen sense of smell that can detect the smallest drop of blood from yards away. With all of this in combination, sharpedo is often nicknamed “the Bully of the Sea,” which is unfortunate because sharpedo is actually a gentle pokémon that only wants affection.

Sorry, no, it indiscriminately rips apart anything that enters its watery territory short of anything else that has the audacity to train it.

Mega Sharpedo
The Brutal Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 319+
Entry: The advanced form of sharpedo, via sharpedonite. The yellow markings that criss-cross its body are not, as the Alolan pokédex states, souvenirs from this pokémon’s long history of battles; rather, they’re simply markings that all mega sharpedo have. However, the tidbit about its spikes regenerating as often as its teeth (which is to say, constantly, whenever either are broken off) is completely true, as is the fact about its unusually aggressive temperament. In short, the entire idea that mega sharpedo is a “pointy ocean doggo”? Also not true, regardless of how many times the internet insists otherwise.

Numel and Camerupt

bills-pokedex:

Numel
The Numb Pokémon
Type: Fire/Ground
Official Registration #: 322
Entry: True to its species designation, this small, camel-like pokémon is known for its dense nature; it doesn’t notice when it’s been hit until much later. Of course, this pokémon’s body is also a walking cauldron containing magma that reaches temperatures in excess of 2200 degrees Fahrenheit, so even if it fails to notice when it’s being hit, that doesn’t necessarily mean hitting it is a good idea.

Camerupt
The Eruption Pokémon
Type: Fire/Ground
Official Registration #: 323
Entry: The evolved form of numel, by battle experience. The “volcanoes” on this camel-like pokémon’s back are actually bone protrusions with direct connections to camerupt’s magma reservoirs. Said reservoirs are normally the source of camerupt’s fire-based abilities, but every ten years—or whenever camerupt is angered—these volcanoes erupt, spewing super-heated molten magma dozens of feet into the air. How can this pokémon’s volcanoes erupt with such force, without harming their camerupt host? That is an excellent question, reader! The answer is [CONTENT TO BE INSERTED WHEN THERE ACTUALLY IS AN ANSWER]

Mega Camerupt
The Eruption Pokémon
Type: Fire/Ground
Official Registration #: 323+
Entry: The advanced form of camerupt, via cameruptite. It is perhaps unsurprising that mega evolution boosts most of camerupt’s capabilities, including both offensive strength (in both forms) and defensive abilities (also in both forms). It is, after all, a creature capable of triggering mini volcanic eruptions from its back in its base form; the extra energy merely disturbs its inner magma enough to strengthen the force of these eruptions. Yet despite how dangerous and utterly destructive mega camerupt can be, its considerable drop in speed, combined with its general shape, have caused the internet to refer to it as “volcano roomba,” because no force of devastation is too cute for the internet, apparently.

The Snorunt Line

bills-pokedex:

Snorunt
The Snow Hat Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 361
Entry: Despite the fact that this childlike pokémon is much more comfortable in regions with heavy snow, it was curiously first discovered in the Hoenn region, specifically in the lower chambers of Shoal Cave. Given the general warmth of the seawater in that region, the presence of snorunt—and, in fact, the frigid environment of the cavern it lives in—has baffled researchers since its initial discovery. However, the author would also like to remind the research community that this is the same region whose legendary pantheon includes a giant sentient block of never-melt ice, so honestly, the fact that there is a chamber that has been iced over and sealed off from the outside world for centuries should come as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Glalie
The Face Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 362
Entry: The evolved form of snorunt, by battle experience. Through the process of evolution, a snorunt gains a shell of rock, which in turn collects a thick hide of ice thanks to the instantaneous freezing of the moisture in the air immediately surrounding it. The resulting pokémon is a creature that not only has the ability to instantly freeze anything surrounding it but also appears to be a giant, floating, disembodied head. Yet despite its intimidating powers and appearance, it’s actually quite gentle, largely because it retains the shyness of its pre-evolved form. Despite this, it is still not recommended to come into physical contact with a glalie, largely because—thanks to its ability to instantaneously freeze anything within immediate vicinity of it—skin-to-shell contact has the same effect as licking a metal pole in the dead of winter (not that the author has done either).

Froslass
The Snow Land Pokémon
Type: Ice/Ghost
Official Registration #: 478
Entry: The evolved form of female snorunt, by exposure to dawn stone. Sinnohan legends warn about froslass. According to regional folklore, travelers lost on snowy mountains may encounter what appears to be a beautiful woman beckoning to them. If one goes to this woman, they will quickly find a wild froslass instead, who will immediately freeze them and drag them to her lair. Whether or not this is true is still a matter of debate, but it is known that tamed froslass do have a habit of staring at their trainers oddly and growing unsettlingly quiet whenever it snows. The author reassures his readers, however, that there have been no cases of a tamed froslass kidnapping their trainers and stealing them away to frozen wastelands … that he knows of, anyway.

Stop scaring the readers. You know that only happened six times in recorded history. —LH

Mega Glalie
The Face Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 362+
Entry: The advanced form of glalie, via glalitite. The most common question the author has ever gotten concerning this mega evolution is whether or not it’s ethical to use, considering the fact that the mere act of mega evolving does actual, bodily harm to the pokémon. While the author has no adequate answer on the subject (as it’s a bit of an internal debate among pokémon researchers), if it makes readers feel any better, when the subject is a giant, sentient ball of ice that barely possesses a nervous system of any sort undergoing a temporary physical change that completely restores a pokémon’s form upon wearing off as if nothing had ever happened, bodily harm tends to be somewhat irrelevant. Also, seeing as glalie seem to enjoy it for reasons that are not entirely beyond comprehension if you have any experience with certain parts of the internet, it is perhaps best not to think about this question at all.

Shuppet and Banette

bills-pokedex:

Shuppet
The Puppet Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 353
Entry: This handkerchief-like pokémon floats through the air at night, feeding off negative emotions. It’s particularly attracted to overwhelming feelings of jealousy, vindictiveness, or general anger, and it will congregate with many other shuppet under the eaves of houses where someone is experiencing particularly strong variations of these emotions. For that reason, if you see entire flocks of these pokémon nestled along the gutters of a house, it’s very likely that inside resides a murderer, a scorned lover, or a teenager going through the Hoennian public high school system.

I’m going to assume you’re not thinking of anyone in particular. —LH

…I’ve tried for the past half an hour to come up with something witty to say in response, but I’ve realized saying any one of the things that came to mind would result in terrible, terrible consequences. —Bill

Good boy. —LH

Banette
The Marionette Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 354
Entry: The evolved form of shuppet, by battle experience. This doll-like pokémon is said to have been the reanimated remnants of a discarded toy, given new life by cursed energies trapped within it. Powered by its need for either vengeance or closure, it moves at night, supposedly to seek out its former owner. Typically, when presented with a name that reminds him of one of his colleagues, the author would make a witty comment involving that pokémon and said colleague, but seeing as only one system administrator has a name that rhymes with “banette” and seeing as the author realizes going down this route would be a terrible idea, he’s just going to leave the entry at that. It is a cursed doll pokémon and nothing more, and there is absolutely nothing funny to point out about it. Yes.

Okay, now you’re pushing it. —LH

Mega Banette
The Marionette Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 354+
Entry: The advanced form of banette, via banettite. Upon mega evolution, banette gains a considerable boost in its ability to command spiritual energies. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of spiritual power that floods this pokémon can be overwhelming to banette new to mega evolution, and the result may involve an outpour of negative energy that may inadvertently curse those around it. Thus, although tamed banette can be sweet and loyal pokémon who would go to the ends of the earth to protect their partners, many think of its advanced form as a terrifying creature of the night. Much like certain other people the author knows whose names might just rhyme with “banette.”

Flattery gets you nowhere, Bill. Certainly not misaimed flattery. —LH

Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying. —Bill

I’m not sure you did… —LH

Absol

bills-pokedex:

[[Writer’s Note: In light of yesterday’s entry, I have been informed by my editor, partner, and dearest friend L.H. that I am not funny and that I am to apologize and write a proper entry in response to my equally dear follower, @anonabsolxwolf. Thus, I present to you, my readers, the entry for the day and my sincerest pleas for forgiveness. —Bill]]

Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359
Entry: A mountain-dwelling pokémon with the ability to foretell disasters. In ancient legend, absol—then referred to as the hakutaku—foretold that a deadly plague would sweep across the Hoenn region and that only a very specific herb found on the side of Mt. Pyre would be able to cure it. For this reason, Hoennians worshipped absol as a guardian spirit of herbal medicine for several centuries until modern Western medicine was introduced to the region. Absol’s prophecies for various natural disasters are still accurate, of course, but humanity has an unfortunate tendency to ignore voices of reason during times of desperation. In short, absol has gone from being a guardian spirit of herbal medicine to the patron saint of underappreciated minds whose reasonable advice goes unheeded by the Pokémon Association.

[[Editor’s Note: You are still not funny, Bill. —LH]]

Mega Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359+
Entry: The advanced form of absol, via absolite. Thanks to mega evolution, absol’s spiritual abilities are heightened considerably, making its ability to predict disaster particularly accurate. Strangely, while these heightened abilities do indeed make it a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, not too long ago, absol had found even more popularity among a certain other subculture fond of dark creatures with (admittedly non-functional in this case) angel wings, demon horns, and the ability to foresee dark events. In other words, in a sense, absol has become the patron saint of gothic lolitas and online fanfiction authors circa 2006.

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381+
Entry: The advanced form of latios, via latiosite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.

Bill… —LH

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380+
Entry: The advanced form of latias, via latiasite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.

The Aron Line

bills-pokedex:

Aron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 304
Entry: A small but hefty tank-like pokémon originally discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. Although these small but docile pokémon typically live deep underground, they thrive on iron and will thus rise to the surface in search of it if underground deposits run dry. In the process, they quickly become destructive forces of nature, capable of destroying anything within their paths easily until they consume the iron they need. They have been known to devour anything containing iron, including railroad tracks, cars, heavy equipment, sensitive research equipment, and more … yet the editor of this blog still considers them to be “cute” and “not at all dangerous” for some reason.

Lairon
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 305
Entry: The evolved form of aron, by battle experience. Aron, a pokémon that typically lives in herds, will congregate into similar herd structures after evolution. These herds typically congregate near mineral-rich underground springs, where they often engage in vicious battles with one another by slamming into each other’s armor, all in preparation for fights against invading pokémon or humans. Unfortunately, because their spring-side habitats tend to be closer to the surface than their nests as aron, they are known to lay waste to even more human-built structures, including mines, tunnels, or mountainside villages. For whatever reason, the editor of this blog thinks lairon is cute too.

Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 306
Entry: The evolved form of lairon, by battle experience. Upon evolution, aggron will break away from its former herd and roam vast, mountainous territory by itself. A single aggron will claim an entire mountain as its personal territory, and as such, aggron are known to aggressively repel other aggron—even those from its former herd—with incredible feats of violence. Lone aggron are therefore much easier to capture and train, and in fact, aggron are among the strongest pokémon available in the Hoenn region. Their popularity is only helped by the fact that the Hoennian champion, Steven Stone, includes one among his signature team … which, actually, might explain the editor’s predilection towards them.

What are you implying?! —LH

Mega Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel
Official Registration #: 306+
Entry: The advanced form of aggron, via aggronite. Upon mega evolution, aggron loses its affinity for the rock type but gains a considerable boost in defensive and physically offensive capabilities. Some believe that, in conjunction with its own territorial nature and the existence of mega tyranitar, mega aggron is itself proof that there is no higher power in the universe, as clearly, monsters with world-ending abilities and devastating tempers are allowed to exist and be placed in the hands of a species with notoriously questionable levels of judgment. Others believe that this is actually proof that there is a higher power out there and that this higher power is both a pokémon and extremely puzzled that humans have managed to survive for as long as we have.

The editor of this blog, meanwhile, simply believes that a 400-pound armored behemoth with spikes quite literally everywhere and a strong tendency to protect the pristine state of its territory through the most violent means possible is cute.

Edit: Really? Nothing, Lanette? —Bill

Why would I have a comeback? It’s cute, and to be fair, the world could use more sentient tanks to protect the environment. —LH

Sometimes I forget how terrifying you are… —Bill