Snubbull and Granbull

Snubbull
The Fairy Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 209
Entry: A small but rare bulldog-like pokémon native to the region of Johto. The fierce appearance of its face tends to scare smaller pokémon, yet despite its looks, it is actually popular and considered to be “cute” among young, human women. Whether snubbull is considered adorable thanks to its actually playful nature or some aesthetic reason linked to its pink hue or frilly, doll-like appearance, the author cannot say, as querying female companions for the sake of science has been historically a bad idea as far as he’s concerned.

Granbull
The Fairy Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 209
Entry: The evolved form of snubbull, by battle experience. Despite its ferocious appearance, granbull are actually timid pokémon that prefer to flee from humans or stick closely to their owners than lash out in battle. However, this timidity should not be mistaken for submissiveness, and it would be wise to keep in mind that placing one’s hand anywhere near the mouth of a granbull, even one that has been well-trained for use in contests by one’s highly competent little sister, is generally considered a bad idea.

Hey Bill, I’ve been doing a lot of reading on the history of the Ransei region, and I’m wondering what your thoughts on that whole mess are. Any insights? Your editor is naturally free to weigh in.

As a native Johtonian and the son of a kimono girl at that, my thoughts on the Ransei period of our history are … complicated at best. On the one hand, Nobunaga unified the seventeen kingdoms and established the basis for the modern regional boundaries within Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh, Hoenn, and the outlying regions of Japan. On the other, doing so also ushered in a century of war that was only stopped by the burning of the Brass Tower and the departure of Ho-oh. Never mind, of course, his notoriously extreme methods to achieve military success. (It was not unusual for him to desecrate shrines to Ho-oh itself, for example, and this is not something one would ever want to do if they valued their souls.)

Then again, given the fact that the regions of Johto and Kanto both had the unfortunate tendency to erupt into bloody wars every hundred years or so up until that point, Nobunaga wasn’t entirely the worst thing that had ever happened to us. Not only that, but I don’t deny that it was an important part of our history, as well as an important stepping stone towards the interregional harmony our country experiences now.

The Chansey Line

Happiny
The Playhouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 440
Entry: This small, egg-like pokémon carries around a smooth, round stone that it apparently mistakes for an egg. It is not recommend that one tells a happiny—even in jest—that the stone is not, in fact, an egg, as doing so will result in the happiny bursting into tears, which in turn will result in a very stern lecture from your research partner.

Chansey
The Egg Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 113
Entry: The evolved form of happiny, by battle experience, during the day, if the subject is holding an oval stone. A rare, motherly pokémon with incredible regenerative abilities, chansey are practical angels to trainers and those in the medical field. They possess the ability to lay eggs whose yolk have unique healing properties, and whenever these pokémon come across injured humans or pokémon, it will generously share these eggs with these parties. Of course, what is not often mentioned is how chansey will share these eggs—which is to say, never twist your ankle in a field where chansey are known to live, as this will very likely result in you being hit with Egg Bomb from every possible angle. Yolk will get everywhere. Even in places you didn’t think it would be possible for yolk to be.

Blissey
The Happiness Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 242
Entry: The evolved form of chansey, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. The eggs it lays are composed of chemicals that induce euphoria in any human that consumes it. Additionally, blissey fur is highly sensitive and is, through means not yet understood, capable of detecting sadness. Using both abilities, blissey have a tendency to stop whatever they’re doing and rush towards any source of unhappiness in order to share their eggs with the unfortunate person. One would think, given the above, that blissey would be popular pokémon to have around hospitals and other sources of high stress levels, but this is only true for carefully trained blissey. There has been more than one incident of casually trained or wild blissey wreaking havoc on college campuses or in the wild due to their tendency to rush towards sources of unhappiness, and given the fact that “sharing” for a blissey means the same thing as “sharing” does for chansey, each of these instances ended, literally speaking, quite messily. Needless to say, one can expect to be cleaning yolk off themselves up to a week later.

Pineco and Forretress

Pineco
The Bagworm Pokémon
Type: Bug
Official Registration #: 204
Entry: This pokémon is famous for its strong resemblance to pine cones, which is not entirely helped by the fact that it dwells primarily in the coniferous forests of Johto. It remains largely motionless as it hangs from trees, moving only to gather bark for its protective coat. Once complete, this coat is sturdy and more than capable of defending its pineco from attacks, but it also weighs more, which tends to result in exhausted pineco falling from their trees. There, pineco can easily be mistaken for fallen pinecones, which causes them to be picked up by humans and used for a variety of purposes, including—unfortunately speaking—fuel for fire. On the other hand, being used for fuel may be a slightly more dignified fate than being coated with glue and glitter and hung from elementary school windows and holiday trees, which happens quite frequently in this pokémon’s native Johto.

Forretress
The Bagworm Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 205
Entry: The evolved form of pineco, by battle experience. Famed for its hard armor and ability to use the technique Spikes, this nut-like pokémon attaches itself to a tree, where it only emerges in second-long bursts to catch prey. Otherwise, it spends the majority of its time within its impenetrable shell, shooting shell fragments from its outer coat whenever anyone draws near. It is thus valued not only by trainers as a formidable defense but also by recluses—such as this author—as the symbol of ideal living.

Skarmory

Skarmory
The Armor Bird Pokémon
Type: Steel/Flying
Official Registration #: 227
Entry: A predatory bird pokémon native to mountainous regions. This fierce raptor nests primarily in brambles, using the thorns to protect its chicks. As the hatchlings grow, the thorns scratch their wings, and the resulting scar tissue eventually hardens into a full set of metal armor that make skarmory difficult to take down. Adding to this defensive advantage, despite the weight of its own skin, skarmory is still one of the fastest bird-like pokémon in existence, clocking in at a top speed of over 180 miles per hour as it swoops in to snatch prey from crags. In short, it is, in every way, designed to be the perfect predator, which is why the mountainous areas of Johto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos are dangerous to traverse and ill-advised for the unprepared trainer. However, despite the dangers skarmory pose towards unwary travelers, the skarmory that nest just outside of Fallarbor Town, Hoenn, live in fear of the one creature far fiercer and more terrifying than even the toughest, most battle-hardened skarmory alive: the editor of this blog.

I maintain a perfect battle record against skarmory. 🙂 —LH

It’s the smiley that terrifies me the most. —Bill

Not Unova related, but is it true that pupitar move by farting?

That’s a bit crudely put, but … yes.

Actually, it’s quite interesting that you mention this, anonymous, as while scientists don’t necessarily call it that (formally, anyway—we certainly do privately and when not in earshot of a pupitar), it’s known that the gases pupitar specimens emit consist largely of a mix of sulfur, methane, carbon dioxide, and other elements and compounds prevalent in human flatulence.

It is also the exact chemistry of the gases that fill the more inhospitable mines of the Johto region. In fact, the phrase “pidgey in the coal mine” comes from the old practice of bringing a caged pidgey into Johtonian coal mines and using them to detect pupitar nests. This is because when in the vicinity of pupitar nests, the pidgey would, well, faint from the gases pupitar emit from their anal jets. Humans, due to their much larger sizes compared to pidgey, often lasted a little longer—or, at least, long enough to evacuate the field of pupitar gas.

Corsola

Corsola
The Coral Pokémon
Type: Water/Rock
Official Registration #: 222
Entry: A vibrantly colored coral-like pokémon that dwells in warm, shallow seas. Although this pokémon can be highly mobile, it prefers congregating into massive colonies not far from sandy, warm beaches and staying there. This behavior is so well-known that humans feel perfectly safe building entire communities atop corsola forests, and pokémon frequently make nests in corsola’s sturdy horns. However, due to rising ocean temperatures, corsola’s normally brilliant colors have been fading, and its normally sturdy arms—which shed naturally at a rate of once per year—have begun shedding more frequently every year. All of these signs are key indicators of an oncoming drop in corsola populations as corsola devote more time and energy to self-preservation than breeding. Or, at least, this is what scientific experts say. According to Unovan politicians, meanwhile, the weather changes all the time, and corsola are known for being lazy pokémon that have absolutely no overall impact on our ecology, so what’s a few corsola, anyway?

Smeargle

Smeargle
The Painter Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 235
Entry: A rare hound pokémon found only in certain parts of Kalos and Johto. Special paint-like fluids leak from the bushy tip of this pokémon’s tail, which it then uses to (literally) mark whatever it claims as its territory. This technique is an effective form of territorial marking, as not only is the specific hue of this paint unique enough to each smeargle to allow one to identify a specimen just by the color of their paint, but also, this ink is highly difficult to remove from surfaces … including clothing and skin. Trainers and researchers—particularly the latter—should take caution when handling an excited or territorial smeargle.

Dunsparce

Dunsparce
The Land Snake Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 206
Entry: A large, serpentine pokémon native to the cave systems of Johto. The wings on its back are more of a safety measure, allowing dunsparce to control its fall, should it drill its way into the roof of an existing cavern or other steep drop. This is necessary, as its drill is located on its tail, and thus, it cannot watch where it’s going as it burrows deep into the ground (which, incidentally, explains why its nests are maze-like). Given the shape of this pokémon, it should be noted that, no, again, dunsparce is not a phallic object, and its burrowing habits are not a metaphor … regardless of any form of Johtonian slang involving this pokémon’s species name and certain parts of the male anatomy that may imply otherwise.

Onix and Steelix

Onix
The Rock Snake Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 96
Entry: A giant serpentine pokémon native to the cave systems of Kanto and Johto. As it grows, onix’s stone body hardens until its skin resembles diamond, which protects it as it burrows at high speeds in search of sustenance … all of which is not an extended euphemism, contrary to the opinions of the Sinnohan storage system administrator.

Steelix
The Iron Snake Pokémon
Type: Steel/Ground
Official Registration #: 208
Entry: The evolved form of onix, most easily via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. As this snake-like pokémon ages, it burrows deeper into the ground, where the pressure of the earth itself and the heat from the planet’s core tempers its steel skin. While tamed steelix may have this coat artificially applied to it before trading, it is possible for steelix to evolve from wild onix. Using this process, steelix initially have a rocky hide but form their coats from the minerals it consumes as it burrows. A sheath begins to form on its face first (as this is the first thing that burrows into the ground) but gradually slides backwards until it coats the entire length of the specimen. Friction compacts and hardens this coat until the aforementioned process of tempering (via pressure from the earth and heat from the planetary core) may occur. And no, this is still not an extended euphemism, Bebe.