The Porygon Line

Porygon
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 137
Entry: A bird-like virtual pokémon that exists within a digital environment. It has the capability of entering and exiting said environment using very similar procedures as the digitization of poké balls in that it converts the code that comprises its body into a solid cross between plastic, a carbon-based polymer, and hard light (similar to that used in Reflect and Light Screen). As an extended note, this pokémon has been copyprotected by Silph Co., so no, you wouldn’t steal a pokémon, Motion Picture Association of Unova.

Porygon2
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 233
Entry: The evolved form of porygon, via trading if the subject has had an up-grade applied to it. In order to assist with actual rocket science involved with the Unovan space program, scientists have taken a porygon and reformatted it into a porygon2, thus refining it to work smarter and more efficiently than its previous form. Thus, it is said that porygon2 is a pokémon that was created with the power of science … which, as this writer is currently being told by his editor, is the first and only time he may use “with the power of science” in this blog, especially as a justification for the creation of life.

Porygon-Z
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 474
Entry: The evolved form of porygon2, via trading if the subject has had a dubious disc applied to it. In an attempt to create an even faster and more efficient form of the porygon line, scientists applied brand-new software onto a porygon2, resulting in a bug-filled, highly erratic and unpredictable virtual pokémon that would frequently refuse to operate as intended. And this, readers, is why you give your poor developers enough time to test the software you pay them to create.

It’s okay, Bill. The Pokémon Association can’t hurt you anymore. —LH

The Bonsly Line

Bonsly
The Bonsai Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 438
Entry: A short, artificial tree-like pokémon. Native to more arid climates, bonsly struggle in humid heat and thus expel water through their eyes in order to regulate body moisture levels. This process is often accompanied by cries that are so plaintive and baby-like that some humans have been known to run to a “crying” bonsly and proceed to dote on them. Some bonsly are also known to use this to their advantage for the sake of getting spoiled by humans, such as in the case of one particular research subject that was temporarily in the care of a good friend of the author’s.

Before you continue to make fun of me for falling for one bonsly, Bill, may I remind you that you do this to literally every eevee in your care? —LH

Sudowoodo
The Imitation Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 185
Entry: The evolved form of bonsly, by battle experience, if the subject knows Mimic. A tall, artificial tree-like pokémon. When attacked, sudowoodo will drop everything, stand among the closest trees, and cease moving in an effort to blend in with its surrounding forest. This tactic is surprisingly very effective, despite the facts that a sudowoodo’s skin is very clearly rock, that it possesses a face, and that it will often use this tactic even when closely pursued by its attacker.

How about rating Poliwag? Because Poliwag is the cutest and deserves 2 thumbs up

Indeed it does, good reader! Thank you for your patience for this entry while we finished the starters series, incidentally.

Poliwag
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 60
Entry: Newly hatched, a poliwag possesses underdeveloped skin through which one can see its black, spiral-like internal organs. It is therefore possible to watch food pass through its digestive system, which is a point of fascination to both novice students of biology and pokémon nutrition … as well as certain facets of the internet consisting of talented artists with rather interesting tastes.

Poliwhirl
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 61
Entry: The evolved form of poliwag, by battle experience. Poliwhirl’s internal organs are not only visible beneath its translucent skin (as are both poliwag’s and poliwrath’s), but these organs also undulate subtly with its every heartbeat, which induces a hypnotic effect in observing humans. Additionally, in order to protect itself, poliwhirl secrete a mucus that makes its body slippery and contains very mild hallucinogenic properties. Finally, because of its prevalence in the clear lakes of Kanto and Johto, poliwhirl are highly popular among college students looking for a cheap and easily obtainable pet … which the author is assured has absolutely nothing to do with the first two facts whatsoever. He doesn’t even know why he added those facts; that was really weird.

Poliwrath
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 62
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, by exposure to water stone. Poliwrath possesses many of the qualities of its past forms, including a visible digestive system and the ability to produce mucus, in addition to a highly developed muscular system that it only obtains upon evolution. While the following act was popular in the past, it is highly inadvisable to lick a poliwrath (in order to access its mucus’s hallucinogenic properties), not because this is awkward and highly uncomfortable for the pokémon nor because large doses of the chemical that induces hallucinations could be toxic to humans but instead because one should perhaps not lick something that can do the front crawl or breaststroke nonstop across the Pacific Ocean without its express permission. (Why you would consider doing this in the first place is, of course, a complete mystery to the author and is certainly not something he has ever done himself.)

Politoed
The Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 186
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, when traded while the subject is holding a king’s rock. Among other members of the poliwag line, politoed is considered to be a “king,” likely because of the rarity and difficulty in obtaining a king’s rock; only the strongest poliwhirl may be able to do it. Likewise, as the curl on its head is related to the specimen’s health, the longer the curl, the stronger the politoed, and the stronger the politoed, the higher up in the poliwag clan hierarchy it is. This all is, of course, highly majestic among the pokémon kingdom, yet to humans, politoed is considered to be “that pokémon you dissect in high school biology”—or, to the Kaloseans “delicious when lightly fried with shallots.”

The Totodile Line

Totodile
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 158
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. A small but hardy alligator pokémon, totodile possess jaws strong enough to crush the front bumper of a car. Although it is frequently advised by experts to take caution when handling this pokémon, even those experts sometimes have difficulty avoiding injury from a totodile bite. So, logically, certain Johtonian researchers have reached the admirably sage conclusion that this is the perfect pokémon to offer to young and heavily inexperienced trainers.

Croconaw
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 159
Entry: The evolved form of totodile, by battle experience. Croconaw’s primary form of attack is to use its huge, powerful jaws to bite down onto its opponent. Once latched on, it never lets go until it loses its teeth, which grow back harmlessly within a day. So to the young and inexperienced trainers mentioned in the previous entry, rest assured that your croconaw’s teeth will grow back shortly after they lose them, which should be one less thing to worry about as you seek medical attention for the reason why your pokémon lost its teeth in the first place.

Feraligatr
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 160
Entry: The evolved form of croconaw, by battle experience. Despite its bulky appearance, feraligatr is a swift pokémon, capable of rushing at an opponent with blinding speed. Once it corners an opponent, it tears into its victim with its massive jaws, savagely tearing them apart within seconds.

…

Which, in combination with the damage the other two evolution lines can do to a human being, should explain why the author is immensely curious as to how a certain professor gained permission from the Johto League to hand out starters.

What’s the climate like in Johto? It doesn’t seem to get much rain. If one of the primary building materials up until recently was paper, I would assume that even humidity must be fairly low for that to be viable.

In truth, anonymous, Johto is temperate, and it has a monsoon season noted for its intense humidity and constant rain. Keep in mind, of course, that paper walls are mainly an interior feature (or an interchangeable exterior feature that may be swapped out or covered up with bamboo during the wetter months), so the likelihood of exposing these walls to rain is slim. Meanwhile, humidity is less of a problem for the particular kind of paper used in Johtonian architecture. The paper itself is a bit more durable than the sort you’d find in your printer.

Is there a story behind this: “As a reminder to all trainers, it is both inadvisable and irresponsible to reignite your cyndaquil by feeding it coffee. If your cyndaquil’s fire goes out, allow it to sleep.” That just seems like something said from personal experience or a story passed around at family gatherings.

There is indeed a story, anonymous. That story is: “I have lost count of how many times there have been incidents in Johto of people doing exactly this.” They did a special on it in the 90s, alongside an entire campaign about it. “Friends don’t let friends feed their cyndaquil coffee” and “just say no to coffee” and so forth.

The Cyndaquil Line

Cyndaquil
The Fire Mouse Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 155
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. The flames on its back are not just for protection: they are also directly connected to its emotional state. When calm or happy, its flames burn at a low temperature. When angry or startled, it releases a burst of hot flames, and when completely exhausted, its flames go out completely. As a reminder to all trainers, it is both inadvisable and irresponsible to reignite your cyndaquil by feeding it coffee. If your cyndaquil’s fire goes out, allow it to sleep.

Quilava
The Volcano Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 156
Entry: The evolved form of cyndaquil, by battle experience. Once evolved, quilava is capable of harnessing the flames on its back for both offensive and defensive purposes. By superheating the air around it, quilava is capable of keeping its foes at bay long enough for it to launch an assault from the same fires. Quick and nimble, this pokémon is capable of burning foes even when dodging attacks … a behavior that should be closely monitored by its trainers, as there have been over thirty instances of a gym burning to the ground thanks to an overexcited but somewhat less-than-graceful quilava.

Typhlosion
The Volcano Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 157
Entry: The evolved form of quilava, by battle experience. Trainers should take extreme caution when handling this pokémon, as, like its preevolved forms, its fire abilities are directly connected to its emotional state. However, as it is the last in its evolution line, it should go without saying that its pyrokinesis and thermokinesis are both far more powerful than either cyndaquil’s or quilava’s. Even the slightest touch from an enraged typhlosion may set its surroundings ablaze … which is unfortunate for a pokémon native to a region that, up until recently, firmly believed that paper and bamboo were perfectly acceptable building materials.

The Chikorita Line

In honor of the recently registered Alola dex, Bill and I have agreed that it would be appropriate to present you with a new series of entries, spanning all of the starters we have yet to cover. We hope you enjoy. —LH

Chikorita
The Leaf Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 152
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. Generally affectionate and even-tempered, chikorita enjoy waving their head leaves to emit a sweet, calming aroma during battle with the hopes of pleasing a new friend. Unfortunately, trainers should be aware that by “a new friend,” the writer means “their opponent” and that the first gym in the traditional Johtonian circuit specializes in things with type advantages and an appetite for chikorita meat.

Bayleef
The Leaf Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 153
Entry: The evolved form of chikorita, by battle experience. As a bayleef ages, the aroma that wafts from the leaves around its neck grow stronger and more potent. While these leaves have been historically collected to brew stimulating teas, the scent alone is enough to increase adrenaline and drive anyone who can smell it to fight. It should be noted that “anyone who can smell it” also applies to the bayleef itself, so trainers should take caution when teaching this pokémon moves such as Body Slam.

Meganium
The Herb Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 154
Entry: The evolved form of bayleef, by battle experience. Meganium’s fragrance has the fantastic abilities to revive dead plants, revitalize weary spirits, and calm even the most aggressive foes. However, it should be noted that just because it has these effects on those surrounding a meganium, it has no effect on the meganium itself. Thus, despite having the ability to lull its enemies into a peaceful stupor, be warned that meganium is one of the most aggressive fully-evolved starter pokémon available and that it both can and very likely will Body Slam you into the ground for accidentally stepping on that lovely dandelion it had just revived.

The Hoppip Line

Hoppip
The Cottonweed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Flying
Official Registration #: 187
Entry: A light, weed-like pokémon native to the Johto region. Thanks to its low body weight, it needs to anchor itself to the ground or other hoppip to avoid being blown away by even the gentlest breezes. Trainers of this pokémon should be aware of this tendency, less because of the dangers drifting pose to a hoppip and more because watching novice trainers frantically chase their hoppip across mountainous fields is a source of great entertainment to Johtonians.

Skiploom
The Cottonweed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Flying
Official Registration #: 188
Entry: The evolved form of hoppip, by battle experience. Because of its tendency to open its flower and float as close to the sun as possible on warm, sunny days, skiploom is considered to be a symbol of summer in its native region of Johto. Of course, it should also be noted that skiploom close their blossoms and drop harmlessly (to them, anyway) out of the sky as the temperature decreases and days grow shorter, so conversely, skiploom-induced concussions have become a symbol of autumn in the same region.

Jumpluff
The Cottonweed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Flying
Official Registration #: 189
Entry: The evolved form of skiploom, by battle experience. Jumpluff travel in groups, controlling their puff-like appendages even in the fiercest winds to change direction and fly over great distances. As temperatures rise, jumpluff clouds shift and begin migrating northward, only to arrive in the Johto region just as spring sets in and the jumpluff mating season begins. Thus, in Johto, one knows all-too well that spring has arrived when spores produced by mating jumpluff trigger one’s seasonal allergies. Johtonians, naturally, try not to think about this too much.

Hoothoot and Noctowl

Hoothoot
The Owl Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 163
Entry: A small, owl-like pokémon native to Johtonian forests. Its brain and equilibrium organs have the capability of keeping perfect time by sensing the rotation of the planet. As it keeps time, it hoots softly and bobs back and forth in perfect time with its internal clock. Because of its accuracy, some trainers, especially in hoothoot’s native region, prefer keeping hoothoot instead of alarm clocks, as hoothoot will be able to awaken a trainer precisely on time, no matter where the trainer is located. However, be warned: a hoothoot’s preferred method of rousing a trainer is repeatedly executing Peck on one’s face, and hoothoot do not necessarily understand the concept of “please do not wake me with Peck tomorrow for the love of Ho-oh.”

Noctowl
The Owl Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 164
Entry: The evolved form of hoothoot, by battle experience. According to some cultures, especially those in the West, noctowl are thought to be extremely intelligent beings, and thus, they are symbols of wisdom in those countries. However, the idea that noctowl possesses an inordinate amount of wisdom is actually a myth. Noctowl are actually about as intelligent, if not less intelligent, than the average bird, and in Johto, they are actually more known for flying into windows, despite their heightened ability to see in the dark.