Vulpix and Ninetales

bills-pokedex:

Vulpix
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 37
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon known for its beautiful tails, of which it has six when fully grown. While young, this pokémon’s fire abilities are mediocre at best, and its strongest move, Fire Blast, is roughly as potent as a charmeleon’s Flamethrower. However, in rare cases, vulpix may be born with the passive ability Drought, which allows it to subconsciously call down intense sunlight to strengthen any fire-type move used in its presence. Incidentally, this small, fox-like creature shares the aforementioned ability with the legendary behemoth of the earth, Groudon, a beast known for nearly destroying the world beneath the unrelenting sunlight it called forth. …Which is to say that the pokémon world is a bizarre and terrifying thing sometimes.

Ninetales
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 38
Entry: The evolved form of vulpix, via exposure to fire stone. The legend that a ninetales will lay a thousand-year curse on you if you touch one of its tails is exactly that: a legend and therefore not true. What is true, however, is the fact that ninetales are generally sensitive about their tails and will set you on fire if you so much as accidentally brush up against one.

Vulpix (Alola form)
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 37
Entry: This adorable cousin to the common vulpix, known by native Alolans as keokeo, is popular in the region not only for its cute appearance but also its practicality. When the weather is warmer than it likes, Alolan vulpix will fan its cloud-like tails and create ice crystals from them, effectively serving as a living air conditioner for its immediate surroundings. However, although it may be tempting to venture into its native habitat on the slopes of Mount Lanakila to catch one, a trainer should be warned that this is a dangerous idea, largely because of the vulpix themselves. Attempting to catch an Alolan vulpix may incur the wrath of other vulpix (which typically freeze intruders solid) but also the ninetales that always lurks near vulpix kits (which will freeze intruders solid before throwing them off the mountain). On the positive side, if your goal was to catch a vulpix in order to cool yourself off on hot Alolan summer afternoons, at least you’ll have that.

Ninetales (Alola form)
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Ice/Fairy
Official Registration #: 38
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan vulpix, by exposure to ice stone. This beautiful Alolan cousin to the common ninetales was once worshipped by native Alolans due to its rarity, ethereal nature, and tendency to dwell only on the peak of Mount Lanakila, the tallest and most sacred site in all of Alola. To this day, it acts as a guardian of Mount Lanakila by guiding wayward souls down the snowy slopes … purely because that’s the only way to get them to leave faster. In other words, this is yet another pokémon after the author’s own heart.

The Geodude Line

bills-pokedex:

Geodude
The Rock Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 74
Entry: A stony pokémon native to mountainous areas, particularly those of the Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh regions. At rest, geodude look exactly like ordinary boulders, to the point where it’s not uncommon for even the most careful hikers to trip over them. It should be noted that not only will geodude become violently angry if you trip over them or their brethren, but also, geodude are extremely common pokémon to the aforementioned mountainous regions. To any trainers currently journeying through the mountains, the author wishes you godspeed.

Graveler
The Rock Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 75
Entry: The evolved form of geodude, by battle experience. Wild graveler subsist entirely on rocks. It will consume at least a ton of these on a daily basis, usually while on the move from the peak of its native mountains to the base and back again. Unfortunately, graveler are not particularly careful pokémon, and they, too, have difficulty distinguishing ordinary rocks from the surrounding geodude. On the positive side, graveler are capable of managing geodude populations singlehandedly, so at the very least, geodude overpopulation has never been nor will ever be an issue to the human race.

Golem
The Megaton Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 76
Entry: The evolved form of graveler, via trading. This boulder-like pokémon’s shell is so hard it can withstand high-powered blasts, including the ones it generates itself. For this reason, it prefers traveling in this manner, propelling itself from mountainside to mountainside through the force generated by Explosion. A golem falling from the sky is not an uncommon occurrence in the harsh environment of the Johtonian mountains, so to any trainers currently journeying through that particular region, the author wishes you godspeed especially.

Geodude (Alola form)
The Rock Pokémon
Type: Rock/Electric
Official Registration #: 74
Entry: A rock-like pokémon native to the rugged, desert-like terrains of Ula’ula Island. If you accidentally step on an Alolan geodude sleeping on the ground, you’ll hear a crunching sound and feel a shock ripple through your entire body. Followed by, of course, something considerably worse, as you would have stepped on a live geodude.

Graveler (Alola form)
The Rock Pokémon
Type: Rock/Electric
Official Registration #: 75
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan geodude, by battle experience. When two Alolan graveler fight each other, it fills their surroundings with flashes of light and sound. Some people call this display the “fireworks of the earth.” Other, far more sensible people call it “oh gods oh gods we’re all going to die.”

Golem (Alola form)
The Megaton Pokémon
Type: Rock/Electric
Official Registration #: 76
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan graveler, via trading. An ornery pokémon, the Alolan golem is known to fire boulders charged with electricity to drive intruders on its territory away. If no boulders in its general vicinity can be found, it may switch to Alolan geodude. Either way, no pokémon says “[EXPLETIVE DELETED] you” to flying-types and vulnerable sacks of meat (such as and especially humans) more enthusiastically than the Alolan golem, apparently.

The Rattata Line

bills-pokedex:

Rattata
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 19
Entry: As one of the most common pokémon in Kanto and Johto, rattata are typically among the first team members for many beginning trainers. Small, quick, cautious, hardy, and very fond of biting things with its large front teeth, rattata may be known for their survival skills in the wild, but its lack of elemental aptitude and its less-than-ideal defenses mean that rattata are among the most commonly “boxed” pokémon in existence. However, recently, rattata has gained popularity among younger trainers, not because of its cute appearance or its availability but instead because of the inexplicable trend among such trainers to obtain and raise the “top percentage rattata.”

Raticate
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 20
Entry: The evolved form of rattata, by battle experience. Raticate depend on its whiskers to maintain its balance, and while this pokémon may be quick and agile with its whiskers intact, cutting them off is a sure-fire way to slow and disorient a raticate. Incidentally, cutting off a raticate’s whiskers is also a sure-fire way to get mauled by a forty-pound rat with six-inch fangs.

Rattata (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Dark/Normal
Official Registration #: 19
Entry: The Alolan cousin to the common rattata is an extremely discerning pokémon that will seldom touch any kind of produce that isn’t fresh. Some trainers use this to their advantage by taking an Alolan rattata with them when they shop for groceries so that these rattata can scout out the freshest produce for them. Others trainers do not because they’re sensible people who know exactly what happens when you bring rats into any establishment that sells food.

Raticate (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Dark/Normal
Official Registration #: 20
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan rattata, by battle experience, at night. These rat-like pokémon are highly sociable but only to an extent. They’re notorious for forming clans of Alolan rattata that serve them by venturing out of the nest and gathering as much food as possible, even if not all of that food gets eaten. Because of the greed exhibited by the Alolan raticate, members of this species do not get along with one another and are known to wage intense and violent territory disputes using their rattata foot soldiers. Incidentally, this also describes the climate of southern Goldenrod, just in case anyone would like recommendations for vacation destinations this summer.

Onix and Steelix

bills-pokedex:

Onix
The Rock Snake Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 96
Entry: A giant serpentine pokémon native to the cave systems of Kanto and Johto. As it grows, onix’s stone body hardens until its skin resembles diamond, which protects it as it burrows at high speeds in search of sustenance … all of which is not an extended euphemism, contrary to the opinions of the Sinnohan storage system administrator.

Steelix
The Iron Snake Pokémon
Type: Steel/Ground
Official Registration #: 208
Entry: The evolved form of onix, most easily via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. As this snake-like pokémon ages, it burrows deeper into the ground, where the pressure of the earth itself and the heat from the planet’s core tempers its steel skin. While tamed steelix may have this coat artificially applied to it before trading, it is possible for steelix to evolve from wild onix. Using this process, steelix initially have a rocky hide but form their coats from the minerals it consumes as it burrows. A sheath begins to form on its face first (as this is the first thing that burrows into the ground) but gradually slides backwards until it coats the entire length of the specimen. Friction compacts and hardens this coat until the aforementioned process of tempering (via pressure from the earth and heat from the planetary core) may occur. And no, this is still not an extended euphemism, Bebe.

Mega Steelix
The Iron Snake Pokémon
Type: Steel/Ground
Official Registration #: 208+
Entry: The advanced form of steelix, via steelixite. As the result of mega evolution, this long, snake-like pokémon gains a considerable amount of power and mass. In fact, during its transformation, it not only grows in length, but its sheath hardens considerably, until excess matter is blown off the base of its head, and the author has decided that he is entirely unable to continue this entry because he can hear his Sinnohan counterpart cackling like a thirteen-year-old from all the way over here.

Cubone and Marowak please!

bills-pokedex:

Strange that I’ve never covered this line. They’re truly fascinating pokémon. As they say, coming right up, anonymous!

Cubone
The Lonely Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 104
Entry: Because young cubone are both weak and the favored prey of many pokémon in its native mountains and cave systems, its marowak mother will almost always sacrifice herself to protect her child early in life. As part of its mourning process, the orphaned cubone, sometimes with the help of the rest of its community, will give its mother a funeral, complete with the ritualistic extraction of her skull and one of her femurs. These bones will then become the cubone’s armor and will serve to protect it throughout its life. Either because of the fact that it always carries around a reminder of its mother or because the experience of losing her early in life has scarred it for life, the cubone will never fully heal from the trauma. In fact, the lines that appear to be cracks along the eye sockets of its skull helmet are not cracks but rather stains left by the tears it constantly sheds. The author really has nothing else to add to this entry; he just wanted to inform his readers that those are tear tracks. You’re welcome.

Marowak
The Bone Keeper Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 105
Entry: The evolved form of cubone, by battle experience. Even after evolution, marowak do not find relief from the traumas they had experienced. Instead, evolution brings about the boost in power and confidence that they need to train harder and master the use of bones as melee weapons. Once mastering their style, they collect more bones to add to their armory. No one is quite certain where marowak gets these bones. Some say they excavate them from marowak graveyards. Others who are well aware of the fact that marowak evolve from cubone who had been forced to bury their mothers simply stare at the first group of people in quiet, unbelieving horror while silently praying that marowak just happen upon the remains of other dead pokémon.

Marowak (Alola form)
The Bone Keeper Pokémon
Type: Fire/Ghost
Official Registration #: 105
Entry: The evolved form of cubone, by battle experience, at night, in the Alolan climate. Due to the abundance of its natural predators (that is, grass-types or pokémon that can learn grass-type moves) in Alola, cubone that evolve there take on an affinity for the fire type. Meanwhile, due to the spiritual energies associated with their bone clubs (which are said to not only have come from their mothers but also be possessed by their mothers’ vengeful spirits), they also gain an affinity for the ghost type, resulting in the distinctive fire/ghost Alolan marowak. In other words, with these two origins combined, Alolan marowak is one of the few evolutions to exist that was absolutely, completely born out of raw spite.

Diglett and Dugtrio

bills-pokedex:

Diglett
The Mole Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 50
Entry: A subterranean-dwelling pokémon renowned for its mile-long burrows. On an unprofessional note, the scientific community is also well-aware of what the rest of a diglett’s body looks like, and we are frankly intrigued by the fact that trainers prefer refusing to Google this. (Is this a meme? Is that why all of you keep making gifs about diglett?)

Dugtrio
The Mole Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 51
Entry: The evolved form of diglett, by battle experience. Actually just a trio of slightly larger diglett, but somehow, these slightly larger diglett can cause far, far more devastating earthquakes than a single slightly smaller diglett. And this, readers, is why pokémon evolution still baffles the scientific community.

Diglett (Alola form)
The Mole Pokémon
Type: Ground/Steel
Official Registration #: 50
Entry: The Alolan variation of this mole-like pokémon possesses three very stiff, very coarse hairs on the top of its head, each of which are as sturdy and sharp as needles. Which, in combination with diglett’s habit of popping up under the feet of unsuspecting hikers, means that the Alolan counterpart to Diglett’s Tunnel is even more exciting than its Kantonian cousin.

Dugtrio (Alola form)
The Mole Pokémon
Type: Ground/Steel
Official Registration #: 51
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan diglett, by battle experience. Long ago, the native Alolans worshipped this pokémon as the incarnation of a land and fertility goddess. Nowadays, given its long, whip-like hair and penchant for bobbing its head rather violently if given a beat, it’s still worshipped as a sort of deity but not so much among native Alolans as a fertility goddess and more by young metalheads as the perfect pokémon to bring to a Morbid Arceus concert.

And you would know this because…? —LH

How do you think I met Cassius? —Bill

The Pidgey Line

{Short note of explanation: The following is a complete rewrite of the pidgey line’s pokédex entries, rather than simply an entry for mega pidgeot. This probably won’t be a common thing but rather just a thing that might happen from time to time with the least funny entries. Sorry! Carry on!}

Pidgey
The Tiny Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, extremely common bird-like pokémon native to Kanto. This pokémon is popular among younger trainers, not only for how easy it is to catch and train but also because humans apparently take delight in calling a nearly direct descendant of the majestic dinosaur pokémon “birb,” “smol boi,” and/or “four pounds of whoop-[EXPLETIVE].”

Pidgeotto
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. The crest on its head is a set of feathers that help stabilize this pokémon during high-speed flight. However, the author will not discourage anyone from assuming that they are “leafs” that pidgeotto “wears on its head to enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. The author can neither confirm nor deny whether or not this pokémon would sell its trainers to Giratina for one corn chip, but he can say it’s more likely for pidgeot to do it than honchkrow.

Mega Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18+
Entry: The advanced form of pidgeot, via pidgeotite. This bird-like pokémon keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone. You may think the author is quoting yet another bird-themed meme, but actually, no, that is a literal and scientifically accurate statement.

Pikachu

bills-pokedex:

Pichu
The Tiny Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 172
Entry: Trainers take caution—although cute and the first stage in a line of formidable battlers, pichu do not have a full mastery over their electrical powers until evolution. This is not to say that they aren’t that strong. On the contrary: they have the ability to generate voltages on par with their evolved forms. What they cannot do is avoid releasing said voltage when startled, happy, or simply standing in an empty room doing absolutely nothing, and suffice to say, this is why many of the reports of electrocution among Johtonians have to do with this very pokémon.

Pikachu
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 25
Entry: The evolved form of pichu, in response to closeness with its trainer. Due to its adorable appearance, its intelligence, and its penchant for doing tricks for treats, pikachu has become an extremely popular choice for a pet. However, should you wish to keep one, never forget that pikachu are still potentially dangerous electric rodents. This is not just a note concerning its ability to generate thousands of volts of electricity, nor is it simply a warning concerning its tendency to release electricity during thunderstorms or upon waking up each morning. It is also a note that this rodent can and will chew through wires if left unattended, and chargers compatible with Leppa-brand laptops run anywhere from ¥3500 to ¥9400 each.

Raichu
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 26
Entry: The evolved form of pikachu, by exposure to thunder stone. A raichu’s tail acts as its grounding wire. When a raichu stores too much electricity in its electrical sacs, it plants its tail and discharges electricity directly into the ground. This is vital to the well-being of an individual raichu, as not only do they gather electricity from their surroundings, but they also grow increasingly aggressive as their electrical stores grow. In that sense, a raichu is much like a drunken relative on Christmas, the sort who gets increasingly offensive the more alcohol he consumes until he needs to be escorted to a safe room to discharge a long and barely intelligible rant. …Not that this writer has seen his father do any of this at any point in his life.

Raichu (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric/Psychic
Official Registration #: 26
Entry: The evolved form of pikachu, by exposure to thunder stone within the region of Alola. It’s said that the catalyst that enables a pikachu to attain this rounder, more spiritually-inclined form upon evolution is the consumption of Alolan pancakes, which are fluffier and spicier than any other pancake in the world. If this seems at all ridiculous to you, reader, then clearly, you have yet to try Alolan pancakes. They are, in the author’s opinion, an experience.

For the record, Bill is referring to literal pancakes. —LH

Of course. The figurative sort of pancake people from Goldenrod know about is the Unovan pancake, which, I assure you, I have never tried. —Bill

Well, that’s shocking. —LH

…no pun intended, oh my God, Bill. —LH

Scyther and Scizor

bills-pokedex:

Scyther
The Mantis Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 123
Entry: Contrary to popular belief, scyther are not inherently violent and easily enraged pokémon. They are, in actuality, extremely proud pokémon with a full range of emotions, including compassion. It just so happens that they have scythes for hands and the alien morality of an insectoid species, and these tend to get in the way of what human beings would define as “compassion.”

Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212
Entry: The evolved form of scyther, via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. Upon evolution, scyther’s signature blades metamorphose into scizor’s pincers. One would think that an absence of a cutting edge along with the maturation induced by evolution would render scizor a safer pokémon to handle than its preevolved counterpart, but in actuality, it uses its pincers—now reinforced with a steel-like exoskeleton—to violently hammer anything into the ground, be it an enemy pokémon, a piece of machinery, or an innocently bystanding researcher who in no way provoked said scizor.

Mega Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212+
Entry: The advanced form of scizor, via scizorite. Mega scizor is a subject of interest to scientists due to its fantastic levels of instability in combat. To pokémonologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some pokémon can mega evolve while others cannot. To sociologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some trainers are fantastically terrible people who insist on using mega scizor anyway.

The Gastly Line

bills-pokedex:

Gastly
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 92
Entry: A spectral pokémon most prevalent in graveyards and pokémon burial sites throughout Kanto, Johto, and Sinnoh. Contrary to popular belief, gastly are not the souls of deceased pokémon. Rather, they spawn naturally through either breeding or, in sites that host high volumes of cremation, a mixture of smoke, ash, the noxious gases of decomposition, and a pokémon’s final burst of auric energy. The gases that comprise a gastly’s body are, as mentioned a moment ago, highly noxious to a human and may induce a state of lightheadedness and euphoria shortly before suffocation. Some humans keep gastly who are trained to envelope a human but release them the moment they arrive at the edge of unconsciousness, all expressly for the high induced by this pokémon … not that the author would know anything about this, of course.

Haunter
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 93
Entry: The evolved form of gastly, by battle experience. Like its evolutionary predecessor, haunter’s body is comprised entirely of concentrated, noxious gases. However, these gases are compressed to the point where they hover just at the edge of their liquid state, enabling haunter to have a more tangible form than gastly. Additionally, as the inner materials of its form are compressed to the point where they begin to condense, haunter also has the ability to “touch,” as well as the ability to inflict the paralytic effects of its composition by touch. Thus, when the pokédex informs you that being touched by this pokémon’s hand causes a victim to experience unrelenting shuddering or that being licked by this pokémon’s gaseous tongue results in a full-body paralysis, rest assured that there is an entirely scientific explanation behind all of this which is rooted in equally comforting levels of chemistry.

Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94
Entry: The evolved form of haunter, via trading. This spectral pokémon possesses the ability to pass into the shadows of living beings, where it waits until nightfall to suck away their life energies and body heat. Not much else is known about gengar, unfortunately, except for one other note: should you ever attempt to study this with the two most capable researchers you know short of Professor Oak, never attempt to study it by inviting it to perform any of its other abilities unless you have not, within the past half an hour, consumed more whiskey than is reasonable for a professional. It apparently also has the ability to possess humans and the tendency to be creative in its interpretations of requests.

Mega Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94+
Entry: The advanced form of gengar, via gengarite. Rest assured that the Alolan dex entry concerning this pokémon’s tendency to curse everyone it encounters, even its own trainer, is not true. It will curse everyone except its trainer. Unless its trainer is a terrible person. Then it will curse everyone.