The Abra Line

bills-pokedex:

Abra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 63
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon of the psychic-type. Due to its incredible psychic power, it requires at least eighteen hours of sleep per day. However, it also has the power to read minds, so when it senses danger or when it is summoned for battle, it is still capable of “reading” its surroundings and using its other moves to protect itself. Unfortunately, the only move it learns naturally is Teleport, and as teaching a pokémon moves via HM or TM requires them to be fully conscious, training an abra may pose difficult for the beginning trainer. On the positive side, it provides many life lessons to trainers who are just starting out from Goldenrod City, which is flanked by two major abra habitats. One of these lessons is, of course, never go out to capture your first pokémon without reading the pokédex first.

Kadabra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 64
Entry: The evolved form of abra, by battle experience. After evolution, a kadabra’s psychic powers grow in strength, and its mastery over its psychic abilities increases, allowing it to learn more techniques and stay awake for longer periods of time. Unfortunately, its powers also cause it to unconsciously emit alpha waves at all times. These alpha waves increase when a kadabra is excited and have a tendency to irrevocably damage sensitive equipment, as well as induce headaches in a nearby human. Because of the latter, it is said that only those with a strong psyche may handle this pokémon … which would be a compliment if the author was a little more prepared for poké puff-related migraines.

Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65
Entry: The evolved form of kadabra, via trading. Upon evolution, a kadabra’s abilities and intelligence grow exponentially, to the point where the average alakazam is said to possess a brain powerful enough to rival a supercomputer. On the downside, because its head grows too heavy for its body to support, an alakazam is constantly exerting its telekinetic powers, which in turn means it is, more than ever, exuding psi energy. Additionally, due to its unusual evolutionary requirements, most trainers will never get to own an alakazam, let alone observe these telekinetic abilities … which on the one hand is a shame but on the other hand is also a blessing for both the author’s research equipment and his head.

Mega Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65+
Entry: The advanced form of alakazam, via alakazite. The array of spoon-like objects it gains upon mega evolution are psychic amplifiers that greatly enhance its telekinetic abilities. They are not, as the internet claims, for consuming vanillite ~~although some mega alakazam use them for this too~~.

Pinsir

bills-pokedex:

Pinsir
The Stag Beetle Pokémon
Type: Bug
Official Registration #: 127
Entry: A large, beetle-like pokémon native to the dark forests of Kanto and Kalos. Pinsir attacks by gripping their prey within their giant, thorny pincers and pulling until their victims are torn in half. While this is a terrifying tactic indeed, it should be rather interesting to note that pinsir lack the strength to open their pincers again, which means this pokémon may be easily defeated simply by holding its pincers shut. This is about as comical on the battlefield as one would think, especially when basic-level grass-types with Vine Whip are involved.

Mega Pinsir
The Stag Beetle Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 127+
Entry: The advanced form of pinsir, via pinsirite. Contrary to popular belief, pinsirite only slightly boosts pinsir’s capabilities. That is to say, all pinsir have wings; it’s simply that pinsirite and mega evolution strengthen those wings enough to fly. Which is of course may be of some comfort to anyone who might have tested the validity of the above entry regarding a depowered pinsir and, more specifically, its jaw strength. Or in other words, should you have tried testing the claims mentioned in the entry concerning non-mega pinsir, at the very least, when the subject in question abruptly flies at you, the result will only slightly hurt.

Kanto Starters III: Squirtle

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Squirtle
The Tiny Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 7
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. As the most defensive of the three starters, squirtle is born with a shell that hardens to a rock-hard consistency as it grows older. It also has the ability to retract its softer head and limbs into this shell in order to protect itself as it uses its array of bubble- and water-jet-based attacks. That having been said, one of the most common questions posed about squirtle is “what does it look like without its shell,” and in order to answer all of them in one fell swoop, the writer would like to remind the general internet that a squirtle’s shell is actually an adapted ribcage and thus, a squirtle without its shell would look rather unfortunate.

Wartortle
The Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 8
Entry: The evolved form of squirtle, by battle experience. Legend has it that healthy wartortle may live up to 10,000 years. This, of course, is not true; rather, it is a euphemism for two things. First, it refers to the wartortle’s resilience, particularly in the case of its shell. Upon evolution, a wartortle’s shell hardens and continues to harden, and much of wartortle’s battle style hinges on the use of its shell as both its armor and its shield. A battle-experienced wartortle will always sport a plethora of scratches across its rock-hard shell. As for the second point to the legend, it simply refers to humans’ inability to tell reptilian pokémon apart, as well as the wartortle’s general apathy towards being confused with its abundance of cousins and blood relatives.

Blastoise
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 9
Entry: The evolved form of wartortle, by battle experience. Blastoise tend to be extremely proud of its muscular bulk and water cannons, to the point where much of its battle techniques hinge on either throwing its weight at an opponent or drowning them with high-powered jets of water. When it comes to the latter, its aim is deadly accurate, and a well-trained blastoise is capable of shooting a target up to 160 feet away. Additionally, despite the fact that they lose their feather-like ears upon evolution, it should be noted that blastoise generally have excellent hearing. For example, if a blastoise whose trainer happens to be a researcher’s grandson is standing more than soccer field’s length away from said grandson right at the moment that another researcher advises him on specialized diets for blastoise that no longer participate in battling circuits, that young, well-meaning researcher should be aware that he can still be shot with a Hydro Pump from halfway across the laboratory’s preserve.

Mega Blastoise
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 9+
Entry: The advanced form of blastoise, via blastoisinite. Upon mega evolution, this pokémon gains a considerable boost in power, largely due to the addition of a massive, third cannon jutting out of its shell. It should be noted that this cannon exists strictly to add firepower to this pokémon’s arsenal, enabling it to use the hidden ability Mega Launcher, and not because the entire species is “overcompensating for something.”

Kanto Starters II: Charmander

bills-pokedex:

Charmander
The Lizard Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 4
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, charmander are the hardest to raise. This is a fairly understandable statement. Charmander are naturally energetic, and their fire element means they don’t do well against Pewter or Cerulean’s gyms. More importantly, however, charmander are considered a challenge to raise because of the flame at the tip of their tails. A physical representation of charmander’s health and emotions, this flame must be meticulously kept, not only because allowing it to become extinguished would kill the host charmander but also because it is an actual flame that will react to Kanto’s abundance of fields full of dry, tall grass just about as well as you think it would.

Charmeleon
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 5
Entry: The evolved form of charmander, by battle experience. Charmeleon are thought to be merciless, bloodthirsty pokémon that will attack foes with their sharp claws and intense flames. This is not necessarily true. While some charmeleon are indeed that aggressive, the vast majority of them are actually simply outgoing. It just so happens that the flame on a charmeleon’s tail grows hotter and taller whenever its host is excited, and charmeleon itself is a very excitable pokémon. As for the note concerning its claws, evidently, a charmeleon’s first instinct upon accidentally setting its new friends on fire with its tail is to smack the flames in an attempt to smother them with their hands. It’s just that charmeleon also unfortunately forget that they have claws, so their attempts to help are often not particularly helpful.

Charizard
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 6
Entry: The evolved form of charmeleon, by battle experience. Stories throughout Europe tell of ancient charizard flying on giant wings and using its flame breath to burn the countryside, the peasants, and the people in their thatched-roof cottages. Only heroes brave enough and with water-types strong enough were able to vanquish this threat and bring peace to the land. Of course, the validity of these claims are debatable. While charizard’s preferred fighting style is indeed a combination of flying over its opponents and breathing flames that reach temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees, historical evidence seems to point to the notion that the stories concerning giant charizard terrorizing the countryside were made up by bored young men who would have liked to think they were braver, funnier, and more attractive than they actually were.

Mega Charizard X
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Dragon
Official Registration #: 6+
Entry: The advanced form of charizard, via charizardite X. Upon mega evolution using charizardite X, the fire that burns within this pokémon gains mystical properties that in turn imbues it with an affinity for the dragon element, rather than flying. This same process leaves charizard with the appearance of something fresh from a heavy metal album cover; thus, the answer to the age-old question about base charizard’s flying-type is, in the words of the author’s Sinnohan counterpart, because “charizard isn’t normally rad enough.”

Mega Charizard Y
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 6+
Entry: The advanced form of charizard, via charizardite Y. In contrast to charizardite X, charizardite Y keeps charizard’s affinity for the flying type intact but heavily boosts its affinity for fire instead. It does this by granting charizard a number of unique traits, including extra wings to fan its flames, healthier flame sacs, and most importantly, Drought, the very ability that Groudon used to dry up the seas and create continents. So if for trainers who have ever wanted to wield the literal power of a god in the body of a dragon bred to be as loyal and intelligent as a pet dog … charizardite Y can be found in a number of specialty jewelry shops in Kalos and Hoenn.

Kanto Starters I: Bulbasaur

bills-pokedex:

@psychms: I just noticed you haven’t written about any of the regional starters! Can you tell us about your most memorable experience with a starter Pokémon (or its evolutions)?

Ah, keen observation! Starters are a bit special to a researcher, as we tend to associate them with new beginnings while maintaining our status as a ridiculously sentimental breed of people. In particular, I must say I’m closest to the Kantonian starters, in part because I consider one of my home regions to be Kanto and in part because, despite beginning my journey in Johto, my starter was a bulbasaur. While I could go on and on about the bulbasaur line, I hardly think it would be appropriate to only cover it and not the other two families. Thus, consider this to be part one of a three-part series.

Bulbasaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 1
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, bulbasaur is the easiest to raise, as bulbasaur are more docile than the other two, the species’ offensive and defensive traits are balanced, and a grass-type has more of an advantage against the earliest Kantonian gyms than a fire- or water-type. However, while all of this is true, such advice frequently forgets any word on what to do when you have a pokémon that learns Leech Seed, Stun Spore, Poison Powder, and Sleep Powder all basically at the same time. On that note, should you be a new trainer who finds himself with a rambunctious bulbasaur who enjoys showering you with “affection,” be sure to carry full heals. A lot of full heals. Do not buy anything but full heals until your bulbasaur evolves. You will thank me later.

Ivysaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 2
Entry: The evolved form of bulbasaur, by battle experience. As it nears evolution into a venusaur, an ivysaur’s blossom grows larger and more fragrant to the point where it naturally emits a sweet, spicy fragrance strong enough to be detected from a distance. Thus, an ivysaur is the easiest among the three middle-evolution starters to evolve, not only because the weight of the bulb makes each ivysaur more eager to battle (in order to gain the strength needed to support its own flower) but also because the scent emitting from the blossom happens to be the exact kind of aroma that draws pokémon towards one in droves. That said, while ivysaur are still among the easiest pokémon to train, new and mediocre trainers should be warned that preventing an ivysaur from battling is nearly impossible and that many of your days may be spent being dragged through Viridian Forest by a charging ivysaur chased by a horde of beedrill.

Venusaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 3
Entry: The evolved form of ivysaur, by battle experience. A venusaur’s evolution is among the most beautiful to occur within the pokémon world. When the time comes, an ivysaur will seek the sunniest clearing in a forest, crouch within beams of sunlight, and allow its flower to grow and bloom. Petal by petal will open, and its fragrance will become more intense and aromatic. The power of this sight and the soothing nature of its signature perfume will rejuvenate an observing trainer just as much as the venusaur experiencing it, which is worth it to note as a warning to both. While you may be tempted to run forward and embrace your long-time pokémon partner in a rush of mutual pride and elation, note that your venusaur has gone from being 29 pounds to over 220 and that it will use all 220 to affectionately tackle you before realizing that it is no longer the size and weight of a large dog.

Mega Venusaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 3+
Entry: The advanced form of venusaur, via venusaurite. Important safety tip for people who train venusaur: everything about venusaur becomes more powerful when it’s mega evolved. This includes its defensive capabilities, the destructive power of its distance attacks, the potency of its pollen, the calming effects of its spicy floral scent, and most importantly, the damage it can do to the human body if you’ve failed to teach your venusaur that it is no longer the size and weight of a large dog. Use your venusaurite with caution, preferably after you get it to forget how to use Tackle.

Aerodactyl

bills-pokedex:

Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142
Entry: A ferocious, pterosaur-like pokémon that once ruled the skies of ancient Kanto. Aerodactyl is noteworthy in that it helped establish many practices used in modern paleo-pokémon ethology, which itself is an extremely specific but fascinating field. Much of what goes into paleo-pokémon ethology is guesswork, really. For example, when one sees a set of serrated teeth such as those of aerodactyl, one can safely assume that this pokémon used them for cutting into meat. When one sees wings and claws, one can assume that the pokémon in question was an aerial hunter. Of course, this method of hypothesizing and assuming behaviors based on physical traits of fossilized remains is not infallible. For another example, it was once assumed that aerodactyl was a vicious, fearless hunter, but recent resurrections of specimens using fossil revival technology has proven that aerodactyl are more like very large, very confused, very vocal parakeets.

Mega Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142+
Entry: The advanced form of aerodactyl, via aerodactylite. Some experts believe that the mega evolved form—with its boost in power, its generally violent temper, and its myriad of stone spikes and claws covering its rough skin—is the actual, true, original form of the aerodactyl species. Others recognize that there is actual fossil evidence to the contrary that has been part of public knowledge for decades, but this school of thought doesn’t have the heart to tell members of the other camp that they’re [REDACTED].

If you’re not willing to do a professor dex, why would you say this about other members of the Symposium? —LH

Because it’s true, and Professor Oak isn’t included in that first camp. —Bill

Oh, that second part explains it. —LH

Kanto Legendaries, Part II

bills-pokedex:

Mewtwo
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 150
Entry: According to conspiracy theorists, a shady organization attempted to create the ultimate weapon by combining the DNA of Mew with several other pokémon and subjecting the result to torturous training methods. The writer, of course, cannot confirm nor deny that this is true, as technically, he is not supposed to know all of this. The only reason why he does is because he gave a certain amount of bitcoin to certain people who own certain deep web websites for the sake of science, and the only reason why he is publishing all of this is, frankly, because being targeted by shady underground organizations sounds like a far better way to spend a weekend than by going to the Pokémon League’s annual formal gala aboard the S.S. Anne.

Mew
The New Species Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 151
Entry: A godlike feline pokémon said to inhabit the mountains of South America. According to legend, Mew wields incredible powers, including psychokinesis, invisiblity, and the ability to learn hundreds of moves. Scientists, in an attempt to explain the latter, have mapped out Mew’s genetic code based on a sample taken from a fossil, and in doing so, they have found that Mew shares a varying percentage of DNA with every pokémon in existence. This last fact becomes less impressive, however, when one stops to realize first that this in no way explains how Mew can learn hundreds of different moves … and second that humans share 50% of their DNA with nanab berries, so it seems rather moot anyway.

Mega Mewtwo X
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 150+
Entry: The advanced form of mewtwo, via mewtwonite x. Upon mega evolution using the experimental mewtwonite X, this pokémon gains a considerable boost in its physically offensive capabilities, along with an affinity for the fighting type. Because the exact thing a pokémon genetically engineered to be a super soldier needs is the ability to switch from being proficient at distance attacks to being proficient at punching things through walls at a moment’s notice. Not that the author knows anything about this because he certainly didn’t hear about the exploits of the eleven-year-old children who managed to wrestle this pokémon away from a criminal organization or anything.

Mega Mewtwo Y
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 150+
Entry: The advanced form of mewtwo, via mewtwonite Y. Upon mega evolution using the experimental mewtwonite Y, this pokémon gains a considerable boost in its psychic and elemental channeling abilities. The trade-off, of course, is an absolutely ridiculous physiology, including the movement of its tail from its proper place at the base of its spine to the crown of its head. The author certainly does not have any theories as to why this happened, as he’s certainly never been privy to the finer details of this pokémon, nor has he ever sat back with a glass of sparkling leppa juice while listening with utter delight to news reports of the defeat of certain crime lords at the hands of an eleven-year-old armed with this pokémon.

The Weedle Line

bills-pokedex:

Weedle
The Hairy Bug Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 13
Entry: Weedle uses its sensitive and prominent proboscis to locate and separate its favorite leaves to eat from its least favorite leaves. All weedle have very specific leaf preferences, as well as acute senses of smell in order to sort leaves on the forest floor based on these preferences. If anyone finds this at all strange or unusual, the writer would like to remind his audience that humanity’s own obsession with gardening has resulted in over 7500 different types of tomato, and if you use the wrong type for sauce, your sister who possesses far more culinary talents than you will ever have will ensure that you are painfully aware of what, precisely, each of those 7500 different varieties of tomato are for.

Kakuna
The Cocoon Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 14
Entry: The evolved form of weedle, by battle experience. In this stage of its evolutionary line, kakuna are strictly preparing for evolution and therefore remain nearly immobile. However, it is important to note that “nearly immobile” is not the same as “actually and completely immobile,” and should you accidentally stumble onto an entire tree covered with kakuna, said kakuna will extend their poison barbs through their shells in order to remind you of what that difference is.

Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15
Entry: The evolved form of kakuna, by battle experience. Quite obviously, training a weedle to its beedrill stage takes a lot of determination and audacity. This is not only because the kakuna stage is nearly immobile, therefore requiring a trainer to exert the patience needed to help their kakuna cultivate the experience required for evolution, but also because the resulting beedrill is a fiercely territorial and aggressive creature armed with three potently venomous stingers each measuring a foot long. Trainers who wish to keep beedrill are highly advised to keep healthy stocks of antidotes, pecha berries, and whatever they feel would be best to sedate a three-foot-tall bee that can fly at one’s face at violently high speeds.

Mega Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15+
Entry: The advanced form of beedrill, via beedrillite. Mega evolution forces beedrill to sacrifice their ability to launch distance attacks for a considerable boost in speed and physical strength. To reinforce this trade-off, beedrill gains a more aerodynamic body that’s far more nimble at dodging the trees of its forest habitat than its base form, and its stingers not only grow but also multiply until each individual mega beedrill possesses five razor-sharp stingers each at least a foot long. Strangely, the leader of the Cerulean Gym did not find this as fascinating as the author did.

The Slowpoke Line

bills-pokedex:

Slowpoke
The Dopey Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 79
Entry: A sweet sap leaks from the tip of this strange pokémon’s tail. Although mysterious in its production, this sap tastes exactly like a sweeter form of honey and thus is effective in attracting pokémon. Slowpoke frequently use this to their advantage, as the core of their behavior centers around their fishing rituals, in which they flock to the banks of a slow-moving body of water, dip their tails in, and wait for a bite. However, as slowpoke are not the brightest pokémon nor pokémon with the fastest reflexes, they often fail to notice when they get a bite—or, for that matter, much about their environment at all. Which leads into the second fact: that some humans have found that slowpoke tails are not particularly nutritious but are quite frankly fun to chew on. How we as a species discovered this about a creature who is completely incapable of noticing when anything—human or otherwise—is chewing on its tail is probably best left up to one’s imagination.

Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, by battle experience. Or, rather, to be more accurate, slowpoke evolves into slowbro after it gains enough strength to fish in waters where shellder naturally live. This is relevant because it is the shellder that enables a slowpoke to evolve by clamping down on the tip of its tail. However, curiously enough, a slowbro will always revert to a slowpoke when the shellder is removed, which raises several questions about the nature of slowpoke’s evolution. One possible hint to the existence of slowbro as its own pokémon lies in the fact that due to shellder’s hold on slowbro’s tail, the slowbro host can no longer fish and is, therefore, forced to hunt literally by hand. Thus, slowbro is quite possibly not a true evolution but instead what happens when a slowpoke is forced to give up its sheer laziness.

Slowking
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 199
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, when given a king’s rock and traded. It is said that a king’s rock is actually a piece of fossilized shellder that, when traded, reverts back to being a shellder and subsequently bites its companion slowpoke’s head. Upon dual evolution, this shellder then leaks toxins into its host, which breaks down slowking’s literal mental barriers and gives it a drastic boost in intelligence. Given that this means slowking’s intelligence is chemically enhanced, the writer would like to take the time to note to younger readers that drugs do not, in fact, result in intelligence boosts in humans. Just say no, children, and stay in school. Unless you go on a trainer’s journey, at which point never eat mushrooms you can’t identify.

Bill, in case you were still wondering why Fennel won’t leave Amanita with you unless another adult is present to supervise, this. This is why. —LH

Mega Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80+
Entry: The advanced form of slowbro, via slowbronite. Despite the expression on its face; its erratic, spinning battle style; and the fact that it has somehow been nearly completely consumed by its symbiotic shell, mega slowbro does not need assistance. It is trying its best, dear readers. Just … just let it.

Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.