The Rhyhorn Line

Rhyhorn
The Spikes Pokémon
Type: Ground/Rock
Official Registration #: 111
Entry: This rhinoceros-like pokémon possesses a hefty body reinforced by a rock-like hide. Due to its weight and durability, the average rhyhorn is capable of inflicting a devastating amount of damage. However, this ability, combined with its bulk and relative lack of intelligence, mean stampedes of this pokémon can be incredibly dangerous or even deadly, as once it begins to charge, it finds it difficult to turn or prevent itself from plowing into and destroying anything in its path. So naturally, Kaloseans have developed rhyhorn racing, a sport in which human riders spur rhyhorn forward at each specimen’s topmost speed along a winding track, likely because when your culture is built upon centuries of war and death, your residents end up with unfortunate judgment.

Bill, your home region’s culture was built upon centuries of war and death. —LH

Yes, well, look at Johto’s reputation. —Bill

Okay, fair point. —LH

Rhydon
The Drill Pokémon
Type: Ground/Rock
Official Registration #: 112
Entry: The evolved form of rhyhorn, by battle experience. Upon evolution, this pokémon rises to its hind feet. This gives it the ability to use its hands for stability, allowing it to brace itself against walls or its opponent as it drills. Additionally, the drill on its head is said to be harder than diamond and capable of punching holes into virtually anything, including solid bedrock. It should be noted that although the horns of male rhyhorn are longer than those of the female, they are not phallic objects either, Bebe.

Rhyperior
The Drill Pokémon
Type: Ground/Rock
Official Registration #: 464
Entry: The evolved form of rhydon, via trading if the subject has had a protector applied to it. This tank-like pokémon can withstand the heat and force of a volcanic eruption, and its cannon-like arms are capable of shooting rocks the size of geodude. These rocks are not produced by the rhyperior (unlike the rocks of many other rock-types’ attacks) but are, rather, picked up from the ground and inserted into the holes in its palms. In rare cases, rhyperior may pick up actual geodude and use them as ammunition. Given the image of a pokémon inserting a living or otherwise foreign object into a hole within its body, it should be noted that this is neither a euphemism, nor is it particularly pleasant for the geodude involved.

The Machop Line

Machop
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 66
Entry: A short, humanoid pokémon native to the mountains of Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn. Although machop is small and slight, do not be deceived: it possesses super strength and trains itself by lifting multiple geodude for hours each day. Moreover, it is a natural at martial arts and is capable of mastering multiple forms shortly after hatching. All of this, of course, is exactly what researchers tell one another to reassure themselves that getting beaten into a broken pulp by a pokémon the size and stature of a toddler is perfectly explainable by science and has absolutely nothing to do with the researcher’s own physical prowess.

Machoke
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 67
Entry: The evolved form of machop, by battle experience. Machoke are, in general, highly proud of their muscles, which are toned to the point where each one possesses the hardness of steel. The average machoke enjoys showing off these muscles and the strength associated with them, and as such, machoke are happiest when performing any job that requires manual labor around humans or other pokémon. Given that this is a well-toned, humanoid creature that may be captured and tamed by humans for the express purpose of lifting things, it should be worth it to note that its desire to show off is completely innocent and has nothing to do with whatever the Sinnohan administrator may be thinking. Furthermore, it is worth it to remind her that pokémon-human relations are generally frowned upon in most cultures for a reason.

Machamp
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 68
Entry: The evolved form of machoke, via trading. A master of every form of martial arts in existence, machamp possesses four arms that are capable of firing over 1000 punches in two seconds, lift passenger jets with ease, and throw an adult man over the horizon. According to the Sinnohan administrator, machamp is also “pretty bara for a pokémon.” The author is not entirely sure what this means, but given the other things the Sinnohan storage system administrator has said about pokémon lately, he is inclined to say no, it is not.

Tangela and Tangrowth

Tangela
The Vine Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 114
Entry: The body of this pokémon is obscured completely in vines. Efforts have been made to either cut the vines off or straighten them out in order to study tangela’s main body, but these were deemed inhumane and impossible, respectively. As it stands, researchers only know tangela’s body to be stump-like, fleshy, thick, and round, with plenty of surface area for its prehensile, tentacle-like vines to grow. Despite this description, no, it is not a phallic object, Bebe.

Tangrowth
The Vine Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 465
Entry: The evolved form of tangela, by battle experience, if the specimen can use Ancient Power. Tangrowth are twice as large as tangela, and as such, they are capable of growing far more twisting, wild vines than their preevolved form. Some of these vines are permanently locked together to form hands, which tangrowth uses not only to ensnare and pick things up but also to thrust at the opponent during its attacks. Despite this description, it is also not a phallic object, Bebe.

Shellder and Cloyster

Shellder
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 90
Entry: A scallop-like pokémon native to the waters of Kanto and Johto. Although it is most known for resting on the sandy bottom of the shallower parts of the sea, shellder is actually a highly mobile pokémon. It swims by clamping its shell open and closed and steering with its tongue, thus bobbing up and down and “dancing” through the ocean currents. There really is no joke here; the author just wishes to leave you with the mental image of a shellder swimming. It is, indeed, quite a fantastic sight to behold.

Cloyster
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water/Ice
Official Registration #: 91
Entry: The evolved form of shellder, by exposure to water stone. Protected by a rock-hard shell, this clam-like pokémon is capable of withstanding even the toughest blasts. Nothing can penetrate it unless it opens up for the purpose of attacking by thrusting itself forward and jamming its opponent with the short spike adorning its pearl-like head. Given the shape of this pokémon, it is important to note that this is also not a euphemism, regardless of what anyone says, Bebe.

Onix and Steelix

Onix
The Rock Snake Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 96
Entry: A giant serpentine pokémon native to the cave systems of Kanto and Johto. As it grows, onix’s stone body hardens until its skin resembles diamond, which protects it as it burrows at high speeds in search of sustenance … all of which is not an extended euphemism, contrary to the opinions of the Sinnohan storage system administrator.

Steelix
The Iron Snake Pokémon
Type: Steel/Ground
Official Registration #: 208
Entry: The evolved form of onix, most easily via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. As this snake-like pokémon ages, it burrows deeper into the ground, where the pressure of the earth itself and the heat from the planet’s core tempers its steel skin. While tamed steelix may have this coat artificially applied to it before trading, it is possible for steelix to evolve from wild onix. Using this process, steelix initially have a rocky hide but form their coats from the minerals it consumes as it burrows. A sheath begins to form on its face first (as this is the first thing that burrows into the ground) but gradually slides backwards until it coats the entire length of the specimen. Friction compacts and hardens this coat until the aforementioned process of tempering (via pressure from the earth and heat from the planetary core) may occur. And no, this is still not an extended euphemism, Bebe.

The Gastly Line

Gastly
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 92
Entry: A spectral pokémon most prevalent in graveyards and pokémon burial sites throughout Kanto, Johto, and Sinnoh. Contrary to popular belief, gastly are not the souls of deceased pokémon. Rather, they spawn naturally through either breeding or, in sites that host high volumes of cremation, a mixture of smoke, ash, the noxious gases of decomposition, and a pokémon’s final burst of auric energy. The gases that comprise a gastly’s body are, as mentioned a moment ago, highly noxious to a human and may induce a state of lightheadedness and euphoria shortly before suffocation. Some humans keep gastly who are trained to envelope a human but release them the moment they arrive at the edge of unconsciousness, all expressly for the high induced by this pokémon … not that the author would know anything about this, of course.

Haunter
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 93
Entry: The evolved form of gastly, by battle experience. Like its evolutionary predecessor, haunter’s body is comprised entirely of concentrated, noxious gases. However, these gases are compressed to the point where they hover just at the edge of their liquid state, enabling haunter to have a more tangible form than gastly. Additionally, as the inner materials of its form are compressed to the point where they begin to condense, haunter also has the ability to “touch,” as well as the ability to inflict the paralytic effects of its composition by touch. Thus, when the pokédex informs you that being touched by this pokémon’s hand causes a victim to experience unrelenting shuddering or that being licked by this pokémon’s gaseous tongue results in a full-body paralysis, rest assured that there is an entirely scientific explanation behind all of this which is rooted in equally comforting levels of chemistry.

Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94
Entry: The evolved form of haunter, via trading. This spectral pokémon possesses the ability to pass into the shadows of living beings, where it waits until nightfall to suck away their life energies and body heat. Not much else is known about gengar, unfortunately, except for one other note: should you ever attempt to study this with the two most capable researchers you know short of Professor Oak, never attempt to study it by inviting it to perform any of its other abilities unless you have not, within the past half an hour, consumed more whiskey than is reasonable for a professional. It apparently also has the ability to possess humans and the tendency to be creative in its interpretations of requests.

The Porygon Line

Porygon
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 137
Entry: A bird-like virtual pokémon that exists within a digital environment. It has the capability of entering and exiting said environment using very similar procedures as the digitization of poké balls in that it converts the code that comprises its body into a solid cross between plastic, a carbon-based polymer, and hard light (similar to that used in Reflect and Light Screen). As an extended note, this pokémon has been copyprotected by Silph Co., so no, you wouldn’t steal a pokémon, Motion Picture Association of Unova.

Porygon2
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 233
Entry: The evolved form of porygon, via trading if the subject has had an up-grade applied to it. In order to assist with actual rocket science involved with the Unovan space program, scientists have taken a porygon and reformatted it into a porygon2, thus refining it to work smarter and more efficiently than its previous form. Thus, it is said that porygon2 is a pokémon that was created with the power of science … which, as this writer is currently being told by his editor, is the first and only time he may use “with the power of science” in this blog, especially as a justification for the creation of life.

Porygon-Z
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 474
Entry: The evolved form of porygon2, via trading if the subject has had a dubious disc applied to it. In an attempt to create an even faster and more efficient form of the porygon line, scientists applied brand-new software onto a porygon2, resulting in a bug-filled, highly erratic and unpredictable virtual pokémon that would frequently refuse to operate as intended. And this, readers, is why you give your poor developers enough time to test the software you pay them to create.

It’s okay, Bill. The Pokémon Association can’t hurt you anymore. —LH

How about rating Poliwag? Because Poliwag is the cutest and deserves 2 thumbs up

Indeed it does, good reader! Thank you for your patience for this entry while we finished the starters series, incidentally.

Poliwag
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 60
Entry: Newly hatched, a poliwag possesses underdeveloped skin through which one can see its black, spiral-like internal organs. It is therefore possible to watch food pass through its digestive system, which is a point of fascination to both novice students of biology and pokémon nutrition … as well as certain facets of the internet consisting of talented artists with rather interesting tastes.

Poliwhirl
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 61
Entry: The evolved form of poliwag, by battle experience. Poliwhirl’s internal organs are not only visible beneath its translucent skin (as are both poliwag’s and poliwrath’s), but these organs also undulate subtly with its every heartbeat, which induces a hypnotic effect in observing humans. Additionally, in order to protect itself, poliwhirl secrete a mucus that makes its body slippery and contains very mild hallucinogenic properties. Finally, because of its prevalence in the clear lakes of Kanto and Johto, poliwhirl are highly popular among college students looking for a cheap and easily obtainable pet … which the author is assured has absolutely nothing to do with the first two facts whatsoever. He doesn’t even know why he added those facts; that was really weird.

Poliwrath
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 62
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, by exposure to water stone. Poliwrath possesses many of the qualities of its past forms, including a visible digestive system and the ability to produce mucus, in addition to a highly developed muscular system that it only obtains upon evolution. While the following act was popular in the past, it is highly inadvisable to lick a poliwrath (in order to access its mucus’s hallucinogenic properties), not because this is awkward and highly uncomfortable for the pokémon nor because large doses of the chemical that induces hallucinations could be toxic to humans but instead because one should perhaps not lick something that can do the front crawl or breaststroke nonstop across the Pacific Ocean without its express permission. (Why you would consider doing this in the first place is, of course, a complete mystery to the author and is certainly not something he has ever done himself.)

Politoed
The Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 186
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, when traded while the subject is holding a king’s rock. Among other members of the poliwag line, politoed is considered to be a “king,” likely because of the rarity and difficulty in obtaining a king’s rock; only the strongest poliwhirl may be able to do it. Likewise, as the curl on its head is related to the specimen’s health, the longer the curl, the stronger the politoed, and the stronger the politoed, the higher up in the poliwag clan hierarchy it is. This all is, of course, highly majestic among the pokémon kingdom, yet to humans, politoed is considered to be “that pokémon you dissect in high school biology”—or, to the Kaloseans “delicious when lightly fried with shallots.”

The Oddish Line

Oddish
The Weed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 43
Entry: A short, raddish-like pokémon of the grass and poison types. Primarily nocturnal, oddish uproot themselves to wander at night and bury their heads in fertile soil during the day. Because oddish prefer well-watered, nutrient-rich soil to bury themselves in during the day, they sometimes wander into the gardens of humans, where they can sometimes be mistaken for weeds. However, it is very easy to tell the difference between a weed and an oddish if one observes carefully. For example, if the plant is shorter and does not move when you press your toe into the soil around it, then you have a weed. If, however, you pull it out and it screams with unholy shrieks not unlike those of demonic children, then you have found an oddish.

Gloom
The Weed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 44
Entry: The evolved form of oddish, by battle experience. This flower-like pokémon is most known for its potent stench. Even a smaller, younger gloom can generate a smell capable of overwhelming a human up to two miles away. However, this smell is really a defense mechanism; gloom do not produce this stench if kept calm and in trusted company. If a gloom reaches this state, then the nectar within its bulbous flower may be gathered for a variety of purposes … most notably in the production of perfume, as the human cosmetic industry is very fond of irony, apparently.

Vileplume
The Flower Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 45
Entry: The evolved form of gloom, by exposure to leaf stone. Vileplume boast some of the largest and most beautiful flowers in the pokémon kingdom. However, these flowers bloom violently, with a boom and a cloud of extremely toxic pollen—the latter of which can cause severe allergic reactions in even humans who have had no prior history of pollen allergies. It should also be noted that this is the vileplume’s primary mode of reproduction and intercourse with fellow vileplume, so trainers should take caution, lest they wish to have possibly the least dignified methods of death possible for a trainer.

Bellossom
The Flower Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 182
Entry: The evolved form of gloom, by exposure to sun stone. When exposed to high amounts of sunlight, bellossom open their flowers and begin to dance, which causes their leaves to rub together and emit a pleasant ringing sound. Prior to the discovery of the sun stone, bellossom was thought to be a completely unrelated species to gloom—which, given the fact that it is, in actuality, smaller, vastly different in appearance, and not even a poison-type, is understandable. On that note, it is possibly best not to think too hard about why larger, smellier gloom produce smaller, more beautiful bellossom. This question has driven more than one researcher into ruin.

The Abra Line

Abra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 63
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon of the psychic-type. Due to its incredible psychic power, it requires at least eighteen hours of sleep per day. However, it also has the power to read minds, so when it senses danger or when it is summoned for battle, it is still capable of “reading” its surroundings and using its other moves to protect itself. Unfortunately, the only move it learns naturally is Teleport, and as teaching a pokémon moves via HM or TM requires them to be fully conscious, training an abra may pose difficult for the beginning trainer. On the positive side, it provides many life lessons to trainers who are just starting out from Goldenrod City, which is flanked by two major abra habitats. One of these lessons is, of course, never go out to capture your first pokémon without reading the pokédex first.

Kadabra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 64
Entry: The evolved form of abra, by battle experience. After evolution, a kadabra’s psychic powers grow in strength, and its mastery over its psychic abilities increases, allowing it to learn more techniques and stay awake for longer periods of time. Unfortunately, its powers also cause it to unconsciously emit alpha waves at all times. These alpha waves increase when a kadabra is excited and have a tendency to irrevocably damage sensitive equipment, as well as induce headaches in a nearby human. Because of the latter, it is said that only those with a strong psyche may handle this pokémon … which would be a compliment if the author was a little more prepared for poké puff-related migraines.

Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65
Entry: The evolved form of kadabra, via trading. Upon evolution, a kadabra’s abilities and intelligence grow exponentially, to the point where the average alakazam is said to possess a brain powerful enough to rival a supercomputer. On the downside, because its head grows too heavy for its body to support, an alakazam is constantly exerting its telekinetic powers, which in turn means it is, more than ever, exuding psi energy. Additionally, due to its unusual evolutionary requirements, most trainers will never get to own an alakazam, let alone observe these telekinetic abilities … which on the one hand is a shame but on the other hand is also a blessing for both the author’s research equipment and his head.