Meditite and Medicham

bills-pokedex:

Meditite
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 307
Entry: In order to heighten its spiritual and physical strength, this monkey-like pokémon undergoes rigorous training in mountainous areas. This training involves extreme methods such as meditating for hours and consuming only one berry a day. It should be noted that this sort of exercise is extremely taxing on the body and should not be undertaken by any unprepared human trainers seeking to attain enlightenment alongside their meditite partners.

Are you speaking from experience, Bill? Because to be fair, there’s a difference between this and forgoing basic physical needs to write your senior thesis. —LH

What difference would that be? —Bill

Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308
Entry: The evolved form of meditite, by battle experience. Through years of hardcore meditation and extended periods of near starvation, this pokémon is able to develop both telekinetic and aura-viewing powers. It is said that the closer it gets to spiritual enlightenment by denying itself earthly pleasures—including food—the easier it is for a medicham to view auras in the form of brilliantly colored lights.

Oh, much like you what you were experiencing by the end of finals week. I stand corrected. —LH

At least I passed. —Bill

According to our proctors, yes. According to the ER physician, no. —LH

Mega Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308+
Entry: The advanced form of medicham, via medichamite. Thanks to the boost in power from mega evolution, combined with its years of intense training, mega medicham is able to achieve a form that grants it a set of spectral hands. These hands grow increasingly more corporeal the more meditation and training the medicham has had, until it gains at least two sets of perfectly functioning hands with which to fight or, well, work. That is to say, mega medicham is one of the few pokémon that become more efficient with a combination of sleep deprivation and lack of self-care, which is a feat that the author envies just a little.

If it makes you feel any better, the reason why Brigette and I dragged you to the hospital that one time was because you were so sleep-deprived you thought you actually had more than one set of hands… —LH

Fair point. But now that I think about it, I could probably achieve the same results as a mega medicham through more practical methods. —Bill

I really hope you’re not about to suggest something involving your teleporter and a sample of medicham DNA. —LH

I was actually thinking of machamp DNA, but if you’re going to be like that about it… —Bill

Buneary and Lopunny

bills-pokedex:

Buneary
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 427
Entry: A foot-tall, rabbit-like pokémon native to temperate forests. It’s easy to determine the mood of a buneary by its body language, particularly regarding its ears. If its ears are relaxed and extended (particularly if this is coupled with a “flop,” or an act in which the buneary dramatically flips onto its side), then the buneary feels safe, loved, and relaxed, and it’s fine to engage with it. If, however, the buneary is tense, drawing its entire body up into a ball, and curling its ears, then it feels threatened, and a human should approach with caution. Certainly, it may seem odd that the author would advise caution when approaching anything so small and adorable, but it’s worth it to note that buneary are capable of extending their ears in lightning-fast punches capable of shattering boulders … and that the human nose and jaw are far, far less resilient than a boulder.

Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 428
Entry: The evolved form of buneary, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. This tall, slender rabbit pokémon has delicate, sensitive ears and long, powerful legs. If one touches their ears, lopunny will lash out with strong kicks. Additionally, these pokémon are cautious to the extreme, and they will often hide behind their long, elegant ears when they sense danger. Between the length of their legs and the sensuous poses they need to strike in order to hide themselves behind their ears, the author would like to take this particular moment to remind his readers that lopunny are rabbit-like pokémon and that if this doesn’t change the thought processes of those of you who know who they are, the author would prefer it if you didn’t tell him.

Mega Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fighting
Official Registration #: 428+
Entry: The advanced form of lopunny, via lopunnite. Mega evolution doesn’t just imbue lopunny with an affinity for the fighting element; it also causes lopunny’s personality to change drastically. Whereas lopunny’s base form tends to be shy and docile unless cornered, mega lopunny is extremely combative and aggressive, known for beating any opponent within reach with either its long, whip-like ears or its equally long, extremely strong legs. There are a number of theories as to why mega evolution causes lopunny’s personality to change in this manner, but frankly, the author is particularly fond of the one that has to do with the entry for its base form listed above.

Riolu and Lucario

bills-pokedex:

Riolu
The Emanation Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 447
Entry: Riolu have the ability to read the emotions of others as well as communicate its own emotions via aura. Yet it is a fighting-type, the single most likely type to engage in physical combat and thus the most likely type to endure great physical injury. For this reason, the riolu’s empathic abilities may be among the most counterproductive powers among the pokémon kingdom. However, at the very least, it should be a comfort for riolu trainers to know that the state will typically pay for any service a Nurse Joy provides, including mental counseling as a result of being in close proximity to a fighting-type that translates its pain into horrific light patterns.

Lucario
The Aura Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Steel
Official Registration #: 448
Entry: The evolved form of riolu, in response to both levels of sunlight and closeness with its trainer. Well-trained lucario have the abilities to sense the aura of all living things, understand human speech, read the thoughts and emotions of those whose auras they sense, channel aura into projectiles and weapons, execute extraordinary feats of physical prowess, and roll over and play dead for biscuits. This is why lucario are the second most popular pokémon on any given video sharing website, next to the members of the skitty line.

Mega Lucario
The Aura Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Steel
Official Registration #: 448+
Entry: The advanced form of lucario, via lucarionite. Upon mega evolution, lucario’s aura-based powers increase in potency. In proportion to this, this pokémon’s aura-sensing appendages on either side of its head increase in length, separate, and move seemingly at will in ways that many people liken to tentacles. Consequently, with the combination of its tentacle-like, aura-sensing appendages and its bipedal, dog-like form, mega lucario has become popular in many internet-based fan circles … namely because it’s even more amusing when it rolls over and plays dead for biscuits. (Honestly, readers, what were you thinking I was referring to?)

Why does the Alolan pokedex say such horrible things about mega evolution? My blazekin, Hina, gets a real thrill from the temporary power boost it gives, She eagerly taps her megastone when she goes into battle, and when she mega-evolves, she gives that particular cluck that she uses to mean “Good! Good!”

To be fair, the Alolan pokédex says horrible things about s lot of pokémon. That’s what happens when you let a ghost-type write the entries and an eccentric “approve” whatever it writes.

In all seriousness, though, mega evolution can be a highly stressful, extremely violent event. For most pokémon/trainer combinations, it takes time and effort to control the process, and only the extremely lucky or highly skilled master it right away.

Houndour and Houndoom

bills-pokedex:

Houndour
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 228
Entry: A small, dog-like pokémon native to thick, dark forests. Interestingly, although this pokémon is part of the Johtonian Regional Pokédex, it was first discovered in Kanto and cannot, in truth, be found at all in Johto outside of the Johtonian Safari Zone Nature Preserve. The reason behind this discrepancy is actually quite simple. Houndour hunt in massive packs through the darkness of their native forests, where their pelts can blend in with forest shadows as they corner prey, and Kantonian researchers possess far stronger self-preservation instincts than their Johtonian counterparts.

Houndoom
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 229
Entry: The evolved form of houndour, by battle experience. This dog-like pokémon is capable of exhaling a jet of fire and a spray of incendiary, highly caustic, toxic chemicals at the same time. The effect of these two mechanisms in combination leaves not only second-degree thermal burns (at the minimum) but severe chemical burns as well. According to folklore, anyone unfortunate enough to receive these burns will never fully recover; the burn will essentially be painful forever. However, this is not necessarily true. With proper care, the pain will typically subside within a week, and the resulting scar will fade within a year. On the other hand, not necessarily true isn’t the same thing as entirely false. First, one must remember that centuries ago, back when people first began to think this about houndoom burns, treatments for burns that complex or severe didn’t exist. Second, psychological pain is never a thing that heals easily, and some survivors of houndoom attacks may acquire a fear of houndoom thereafter. Third, either way, being burned by a houndoom feels just about as delightful as being attacked by a swarm of angry magikarp, and based on personal experience alone, the author would not recommend it.

Mega Houndoom
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 229+
Entry: The advanced form of houndoom, via houndoominite. This pokémon is actually a “good fire doggo.” The internet was surprisingly correct about this one, and there’s not much more to say concerning it beyond that.

The Mudkip Line

bills-pokedex:

Mudkip
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 258
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, amphibious pokémon native to Hoennian rivers. It uses its large head fin to sense the flow of water and its large back fin to propel itself through turbulent currents with surprising power for its size. Likewise, the large gills on its cheek allow it to breathe even in the murkiest, muddiest depths, and its physical strength alone allows it to pick up and push boulders along river bottoms. In general, mudkip is a fascinating pokémon, and this is because the species itself carries a number of interesting qualities, not because someone “herd u liek it.”

Marshtomp
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 259
Entry: The evolved form of mudkip, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon primarily native to rivers and banks, marshtomp had to develop strong, bulky legs to compensate for the fact that its habitat lacks stable footing. Thus, marshtomp is capable of literally standing through even the fiercest earthquakes, the likes of which routinely plague its volcanic home region of Hoenn. A less composed young researcher would likely say that marshtomp has had the foresight to “not skip leg day,” but luckily, the writer is not the storage system administrator of Sinnoh.

Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260
Entry: The evolved form of marshtomp, by battle experience. Never let its seemingly cute species name fool you. In actuality, swampert is a four-foot-tall mass of pure, sea-tempered muscle. It is powerful enough to tow ships to shore, rend boulders in two with one swipe of its bulky arms, swim against the current of stormy waves, dive to the depths of the Hoennian sea, and spew jets of water that can tear holes in the hull of the ships it had towed to shore at the beginning of this list. About the only thing cute about it is the fact that it still wears a perpetual grin and enjoys belly rubs and literally sucking down insect prey, just like its ancestral cousin, quagsire.

Mega Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260+
Entry: The advanced form of swampert, via swampertite. Mega swampert is the only starter that doesn’t change drastically in terms of physiology or elemental affinity upon mega evolution. It simply becomes more muscular and adept at punching things … which is why it’s perhaps a bad idea to imply its mega evolution isn’t as interesting as its peers’ while it’s within earshot.

The Treecko Line

bills-pokedex:

Treecko
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 252
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. This small gecko pokémon is famous for its calm disposition, which makes it an ideal partner for a beginning trainer. It is said that absolutely nothing shakes it, not even the rage of a forest fire. This, of course, is not entirely true. The calm demeanor it displays at all times actually hides abject panic and other extreme forms of emotion … which, given the fact that trainers routinely and happily face danger on a daily basis without so much as a frown, still makes treecko an ideal partner for a beginning trainer.

Grovyle
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 253
Entry: The evolved form of treecko, by battle experience. Grovyle is noted for its nimbleness. Well-adapted to its native jungle environments, it can skitter up trees and jump from branch to branch with an unrivaled swiftness, making it difficult for pursuers to keep up with it. It should be noted that these pursuers, of course, may include trainers who mistake their calm demeanor during their treecko stage as consent to subject it to extreme stress.

Sceptile
The Forest Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 254
Entry: The evolved form of grovyle, by battle experience. In Hoennian lore, sceptile are traditionally seen as forest guardians. Not only are their jungle combat skills completely unrivaled in the pokémon world (due to both its surprising agility and the sharp leaf blades on its arms), but also, the bulbs on their backs contain seeds that they can plant in order to revitalize parts of their forest homes. It should also be noted that this image of sceptile as a jungle guardian is perhaps only helped by the fact that the aforementioned bulbs explode in order to release the seeds within, yet sceptile, much like its original treecko form, take the violent bursting of parts of their body without even flinching. Needless to say, the disinclination to fight a creature that refuses to show pain is something of a survival adaptation for the rest of the forest.

Mega Sceptile
The Forest Pokémon
Type: Grass/Dragon
Official Registration #: 254+
Entry: The advanced form of sceptile, via sceptilite. As mega sceptile, this pokémon is imbued with the ability to detach its lengthy tail as a form of self-defense. Actually, many lizard pokémon possess this ability; it’s just that mega sceptile is the only one for whom this also entails (forgive the pun) seizing the detached limb and stabbing its attacker with it.

The Torchic Line

bills-pokedex:

Torchic
The Chick Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 255
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, chick-like pokémon whose natural body temperature is so hot that the fireballs it launches during battle can reach temperatures in excess of 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, in Hoenn, it is said that torchic are very warm to cuddle, but given that these are the same people who live in a region that feature a desert, an active volcano, a dormant volcano, and a tropical jungle, outsiders should take torchic’s cuddliness with a grain of salt.

For your information, it is very cuddly, and someone who had the misfortune of being raised in a region where you don’t see sun for six months out of the year because of the constant rain should perhaps keep his opinions about Hoennians to himself. —LH

The reason why I poke fun at every other region but Hoenn, ladies and gentlemen. —Bill

Combusken
The Young Fowl Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 256
Entry: The evolved form of torchic, by battle experience. A powerful and energetic pokémon, combusken is capable of delivering ten kicks per second, and each kick is capable of rending solid concrete in two. In Hoenn, this has made combusken a prized fighter ideal for taking on the rock- and steel-heavy Hoenn League. In Unova, however, combusken are noted for their muscular legs, which apparently taste wonderful to an Unovan when said legs are breaded, seasoned, and fried in whatever magical oils the local Floccesy Fried Chicken establishment uses.

Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257
Entry: The evolved form of combusken, by battle experience. Upon evolution, blaziken gain the ability to jump thirty-story buildings, set their fists on fire via flame cuffs, breathe jets of flames, and endure hours of intense fighting. Upon mega evolution, it also gains the ability Speed Boost … because that’s exactly what you need a six-foot-tall chicken with fire powers and superhuman martial arts skills to do: gain speed boosts naturally.

Mega Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257+
Entry: The advanced form of blaziken, via blazikenite. As noted in the entry for its base form, blaziken gains the ability Speed Boost upon mega evolution. This ability allows it to launch its notorious flurry of kicks with even greater speed than it would as an ordinary blaziken. It does not, contrary to popular belief, allow blaziken to become a “spicy fast boy,” as the internet puts it.

Scyther and Scizor

bills-pokedex:

Scyther
The Mantis Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 123
Entry: Contrary to popular belief, scyther are not inherently violent and easily enraged pokémon. They are, in actuality, extremely proud pokémon with a full range of emotions, including compassion. It just so happens that they have scythes for hands and the alien morality of an insectoid species, and these tend to get in the way of what human beings would define as “compassion.”

Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212
Entry: The evolved form of scyther, via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. Upon evolution, scyther’s signature blades metamorphose into scizor’s pincers. One would think that an absence of a cutting edge along with the maturation induced by evolution would render scizor a safer pokémon to handle than its preevolved counterpart, but in actuality, it uses its pincers—now reinforced with a steel-like exoskeleton—to violently hammer anything into the ground, be it an enemy pokémon, a piece of machinery, or an innocently bystanding researcher who in no way provoked said scizor.

Mega Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212+
Entry: The advanced form of scizor, via scizorite. Mega scizor is a subject of interest to scientists due to its fantastic levels of instability in combat. To pokémonologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some pokémon can mega evolve while others cannot. To sociologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some trainers are fantastically terrible people who insist on using mega scizor anyway.

The Gible Line

bills-pokedex:

Gible
The Land Shark Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 443
Entry: A short, shark-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Sinnoh. This pokémon burrows in horizontal tunnels embedded within cave walls. From there, it points its face outward and waits for prey to pass by its burrow opening. When something comes close, it launches itself out of its burrow to pounce on and bite the intruder. It’s important to note that this behavior does not stop when tamed; rather, trainers should fully expect to find their clothing gathered in a small, hole-like pile … as well as ample amounts of time spent with a gible attached to their arms shortly after discovering said pile.

Gabite
The Cave Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 444
Entry: The evolved form of gible, by battle experience. Native to dark caves, gabite is attracted to anything that glitters or glows. In the wild, this means it actively hunts down and collects any shiny object it can get its claws on—including jewels, ores, and even trash from trainers—and hoards these in its underground nest. In captivity, this means it is possibly the most entertaining pokémon to introduce a laser pointer to.

Garchomp
The Mach Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 445
Entry: The evolved form of gabite, by battle experience. The short fins on this pokémon’s arms are actually wings that allow it to fly at supersonic speeds to chase down prey. There is no punchline to this entry. The author just wanted to inform all of you that a 209-pound ground-type land shark with wings shorter than its actual claws can apparently fly and that this world is a wondrous place.

Mega Garchomp
The Mach Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 445+
Entry: The advanced form of garchomp, via garchompite. Formerly, this mega evolution was known for its devastating temper and its twin scythes, the latter of which are capable of cleaving boulders in half with a single swipe and the former of which makes it believe cleaving boulders in half (among other things within its line of sight) is a fun and productive way to spend one’s time. Currently, however, this mega evolution is known for being “a weird sand doggo.”