The Snorunt Line

bills-pokedex:

Snorunt
The Snow Hat Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 361
Entry: Despite the fact that this childlike pokémon is much more comfortable in regions with heavy snow, it was curiously first discovered in the Hoenn region, specifically in the lower chambers of Shoal Cave. Given the general warmth of the seawater in that region, the presence of snorunt—and, in fact, the frigid environment of the cavern it lives in—has baffled researchers since its initial discovery. However, the author would also like to remind the research community that this is the same region whose legendary pantheon includes a giant sentient block of never-melt ice, so honestly, the fact that there is a chamber that has been iced over and sealed off from the outside world for centuries should come as a surprise to absolutely no one.

Glalie
The Face Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 362
Entry: The evolved form of snorunt, by battle experience. Through the process of evolution, a snorunt gains a shell of rock, which in turn collects a thick hide of ice thanks to the instantaneous freezing of the moisture in the air immediately surrounding it. The resulting pokémon is a creature that not only has the ability to instantly freeze anything surrounding it but also appears to be a giant, floating, disembodied head. Yet despite its intimidating powers and appearance, it’s actually quite gentle, largely because it retains the shyness of its pre-evolved form. Despite this, it is still not recommended to come into physical contact with a glalie, largely because—thanks to its ability to instantaneously freeze anything within immediate vicinity of it—skin-to-shell contact has the same effect as licking a metal pole in the dead of winter (not that the author has done either).

Froslass
The Snow Land Pokémon
Type: Ice/Ghost
Official Registration #: 478
Entry: The evolved form of female snorunt, by exposure to dawn stone. Sinnohan legends warn about froslass. According to regional folklore, travelers lost on snowy mountains may encounter what appears to be a beautiful woman beckoning to them. If one goes to this woman, they will quickly find a wild froslass instead, who will immediately freeze them and drag them to her lair. Whether or not this is true is still a matter of debate, but it is known that tamed froslass do have a habit of staring at their trainers oddly and growing unsettlingly quiet whenever it snows. The author reassures his readers, however, that there have been no cases of a tamed froslass kidnapping their trainers and stealing them away to frozen wastelands … that he knows of, anyway.

Stop scaring the readers. You know that only happened six times in recorded history. —LH

Mega Glalie
The Face Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 362+
Entry: The advanced form of glalie, via glalitite. The most common question the author has ever gotten concerning this mega evolution is whether or not it’s ethical to use, considering the fact that the mere act of mega evolving does actual, bodily harm to the pokémon. While the author has no adequate answer on the subject (as it’s a bit of an internal debate among pokémon researchers), if it makes readers feel any better, when the subject is a giant, sentient ball of ice that barely possesses a nervous system of any sort undergoing a temporary physical change that completely restores a pokémon’s form upon wearing off as if nothing had ever happened, bodily harm tends to be somewhat irrelevant. Also, seeing as glalie seem to enjoy it for reasons that are not entirely beyond comprehension if you have any experience with certain parts of the internet, it is perhaps best not to think about this question at all.

Aerodactyl

bills-pokedex:

Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142
Entry: A ferocious, pterosaur-like pokémon that once ruled the skies of ancient Kanto. Aerodactyl is noteworthy in that it helped establish many practices used in modern paleo-pokémon ethology, which itself is an extremely specific but fascinating field. Much of what goes into paleo-pokémon ethology is guesswork, really. For example, when one sees a set of serrated teeth such as those of aerodactyl, one can safely assume that this pokémon used them for cutting into meat. When one sees wings and claws, one can assume that the pokémon in question was an aerial hunter. Of course, this method of hypothesizing and assuming behaviors based on physical traits of fossilized remains is not infallible. For another example, it was once assumed that aerodactyl was a vicious, fearless hunter, but recent resurrections of specimens using fossil revival technology has proven that aerodactyl are more like very large, very confused, very vocal parakeets.

Mega Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142+
Entry: The advanced form of aerodactyl, via aerodactylite. Some experts believe that the mega evolved form—with its boost in power, its generally violent temper, and its myriad of stone spikes and claws covering its rough skin—is the actual, true, original form of the aerodactyl species. Others recognize that there is actual fossil evidence to the contrary that has been part of public knowledge for decades, but this school of thought doesn’t have the heart to tell members of the other camp that they’re [REDACTED].

If you’re not willing to do a professor dex, why would you say this about other members of the Symposium? —LH

Because it’s true, and Professor Oak isn’t included in that first camp. —Bill

Oh, that second part explains it. —LH

Kanto Legendaries, Part II

bills-pokedex:

Mewtwo
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 150
Entry: According to conspiracy theorists, a shady organization attempted to create the ultimate weapon by combining the DNA of Mew with several other pokémon and subjecting the result to torturous training methods. The writer, of course, cannot confirm nor deny that this is true, as technically, he is not supposed to know all of this. The only reason why he does is because he gave a certain amount of bitcoin to certain people who own certain deep web websites for the sake of science, and the only reason why he is publishing all of this is, frankly, because being targeted by shady underground organizations sounds like a far better way to spend a weekend than by going to the Pokémon League’s annual formal gala aboard the S.S. Anne.

Mew
The New Species Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 151
Entry: A godlike feline pokémon said to inhabit the mountains of South America. According to legend, Mew wields incredible powers, including psychokinesis, invisiblity, and the ability to learn hundreds of moves. Scientists, in an attempt to explain the latter, have mapped out Mew’s genetic code based on a sample taken from a fossil, and in doing so, they have found that Mew shares a varying percentage of DNA with every pokémon in existence. This last fact becomes less impressive, however, when one stops to realize first that this in no way explains how Mew can learn hundreds of different moves … and second that humans share 50% of their DNA with nanab berries, so it seems rather moot anyway.

Mega Mewtwo X
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 150+
Entry: The advanced form of mewtwo, via mewtwonite x. Upon mega evolution using the experimental mewtwonite X, this pokémon gains a considerable boost in its physically offensive capabilities, along with an affinity for the fighting type. Because the exact thing a pokémon genetically engineered to be a super soldier needs is the ability to switch from being proficient at distance attacks to being proficient at punching things through walls at a moment’s notice. Not that the author knows anything about this because he certainly didn’t hear about the exploits of the eleven-year-old children who managed to wrestle this pokémon away from a criminal organization or anything.

Mega Mewtwo Y
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 150+
Entry: The advanced form of mewtwo, via mewtwonite Y. Upon mega evolution using the experimental mewtwonite Y, this pokémon gains a considerable boost in its psychic and elemental channeling abilities. The trade-off, of course, is an absolutely ridiculous physiology, including the movement of its tail from its proper place at the base of its spine to the crown of its head. The author certainly does not have any theories as to why this happened, as he’s certainly never been privy to the finer details of this pokémon, nor has he ever sat back with a glass of sparkling leppa juice while listening with utter delight to news reports of the defeat of certain crime lords at the hands of an eleven-year-old armed with this pokémon.

Bill! As a contest star from Hoenn, I need to ask: how come when I went to Sinnoh for some Masters, how come my Mega Stone didn’t work? My Pinsir really wants to show off.

At the risk of sounding insensitive, it may have something to do with your key stone, your mega stone, or your bond with your pinsir. (Before anyone asks, mega evolution itself has been proven to work outside its regions of discovery, including in Sinnoh, thanks to data provided by Steven Stone.)

The first thing to consider is the possibility that either your key stone or sample of pinsirite is not pure. Samples with impurities are often unpredictable in nature and have been known to fail at catalyzing mega evolution the more frequently they’re used (or, in some cases, the further one gets to either Kalos’s Anistar Sundial or Hoenn’s Sky Tower). Take your stones to a reputable jeweler who has experience cutting evolution stones to determine whether or not this is the case.

Additionally, remember that your bond with your pinsir must be strong for mega evolution to work. Even minor disagreements can be enough to keep your pinsir from mega evolving. Consider taking a break to rest, relax, and build the relationship between the two of you to ensure you’re stable enough to trigger your mega and key stones.

Best of luck, anonymous!

Shuppet and Banette

bills-pokedex:

Shuppet
The Puppet Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 353
Entry: This handkerchief-like pokémon floats through the air at night, feeding off negative emotions. It’s particularly attracted to overwhelming feelings of jealousy, vindictiveness, or general anger, and it will congregate with many other shuppet under the eaves of houses where someone is experiencing particularly strong variations of these emotions. For that reason, if you see entire flocks of these pokémon nestled along the gutters of a house, it’s very likely that inside resides a murderer, a scorned lover, or a teenager going through the Hoennian public high school system.

I’m going to assume you’re not thinking of anyone in particular. —LH

…I’ve tried for the past half an hour to come up with something witty to say in response, but I’ve realized saying any one of the things that came to mind would result in terrible, terrible consequences. —Bill

Good boy. —LH

Banette
The Marionette Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 354
Entry: The evolved form of shuppet, by battle experience. This doll-like pokémon is said to have been the reanimated remnants of a discarded toy, given new life by cursed energies trapped within it. Powered by its need for either vengeance or closure, it moves at night, supposedly to seek out its former owner. Typically, when presented with a name that reminds him of one of his colleagues, the author would make a witty comment involving that pokémon and said colleague, but seeing as only one system administrator has a name that rhymes with “banette” and seeing as the author realizes going down this route would be a terrible idea, he’s just going to leave the entry at that. It is a cursed doll pokémon and nothing more, and there is absolutely nothing funny to point out about it. Yes.

Okay, now you’re pushing it. —LH

Mega Banette
The Marionette Pokémon
Type: Ghost
Official Registration #: 354+
Entry: The advanced form of banette, via banettite. Upon mega evolution, banette gains a considerable boost in its ability to command spiritual energies. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of spiritual power that floods this pokémon can be overwhelming to banette new to mega evolution, and the result may involve an outpour of negative energy that may inadvertently curse those around it. Thus, although tamed banette can be sweet and loyal pokémon who would go to the ends of the earth to protect their partners, many think of its advanced form as a terrifying creature of the night. Much like certain other people the author knows whose names might just rhyme with “banette.”

Flattery gets you nowhere, Bill. Certainly not misaimed flattery. —LH

Well, you can’t blame a guy for trying. —Bill

I’m not sure you did… —LH

Absol

bills-pokedex:

[[Writer’s Note: In light of yesterday’s entry, I have been informed by my editor, partner, and dearest friend L.H. that I am not funny and that I am to apologize and write a proper entry in response to my equally dear follower, @anonabsolxwolf. Thus, I present to you, my readers, the entry for the day and my sincerest pleas for forgiveness. —Bill]]

Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359
Entry: A mountain-dwelling pokémon with the ability to foretell disasters. In ancient legend, absol—then referred to as the hakutaku—foretold that a deadly plague would sweep across the Hoenn region and that only a very specific herb found on the side of Mt. Pyre would be able to cure it. For this reason, Hoennians worshipped absol as a guardian spirit of herbal medicine for several centuries until modern Western medicine was introduced to the region. Absol’s prophecies for various natural disasters are still accurate, of course, but humanity has an unfortunate tendency to ignore voices of reason during times of desperation. In short, absol has gone from being a guardian spirit of herbal medicine to the patron saint of underappreciated minds whose reasonable advice goes unheeded by the Pokémon Association.

[[Editor’s Note: You are still not funny, Bill. —LH]]

Mega Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359+
Entry: The advanced form of absol, via absolite. Thanks to mega evolution, absol’s spiritual abilities are heightened considerably, making its ability to predict disaster particularly accurate. Strangely, while these heightened abilities do indeed make it a force to be reckoned with on the battlefield, not too long ago, absol had found even more popularity among a certain other subculture fond of dark creatures with (admittedly non-functional in this case) angel wings, demon horns, and the ability to foresee dark events. In other words, in a sense, absol has become the patron saint of gothic lolitas and online fanfiction authors circa 2006.

The Snover Line

bills-pokedex:

Snover
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 459
Entry: Although this short pokémon strongly resembles a snow-covered tree throughout the year, it is actually highly responsive to the seasons. For one, it migrates: in the warmer months, it migrates to the top of its mountainous habitat to live in the colder climes, whereas during the colder months, it migrates to the food-rich foothills to breed. Likewise, during the spring, just before it makes its journey up the mountain, it sprouts berries the texture of frozen treats all over its belly and chest. … The author highly suggests that you do not put too much thought into the second trait.

Abomasnow
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 460
Entry: The evolved form of snover, by battle experience. These giant snow monsters are known for their reclusiveness and protectiveness towards their own kind. To protect themselves and their newborn snover, they whip up giant blizzards to conceal their location. In that way, their snover may get up and migrate up their mountainous territory in peace. Travelers who wander through these abomasnow-induced blizzards may stumble across what appear to be moving parts of forests. On the negative side, this greatly increases those travelers’ chances of getting horribly lost within the dizzying, bitter-cold storm. ~~On the positive side, such a sight is incredible to behold if the traveler is on the right combination of psychoactive substa~~

Actually, never mind.

Mega Abomasnow
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 460+
Entry: The advanced form of abomasnow, via abomasite. Upon mega evolution, abomasnow not only gains a considerable boost in its ability to command ice and a special ability that calls down hail storms but also a fearsome, quadrupedal appearance and the predilection of defending its mountain territories by charging downhill towards intruders. In other words, abomasnow mega evolves into the living nightmare of anyone unfortunate enough to have played SkiFree.

The Weedle Line

bills-pokedex:

Weedle
The Hairy Bug Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 13
Entry: Weedle uses its sensitive and prominent proboscis to locate and separate its favorite leaves to eat from its least favorite leaves. All weedle have very specific leaf preferences, as well as acute senses of smell in order to sort leaves on the forest floor based on these preferences. If anyone finds this at all strange or unusual, the writer would like to remind his audience that humanity’s own obsession with gardening has resulted in over 7500 different types of tomato, and if you use the wrong type for sauce, your sister who possesses far more culinary talents than you will ever have will ensure that you are painfully aware of what, precisely, each of those 7500 different varieties of tomato are for.

Kakuna
The Cocoon Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 14
Entry: The evolved form of weedle, by battle experience. In this stage of its evolutionary line, kakuna are strictly preparing for evolution and therefore remain nearly immobile. However, it is important to note that “nearly immobile” is not the same as “actually and completely immobile,” and should you accidentally stumble onto an entire tree covered with kakuna, said kakuna will extend their poison barbs through their shells in order to remind you of what that difference is.

Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15
Entry: The evolved form of kakuna, by battle experience. Quite obviously, training a weedle to its beedrill stage takes a lot of determination and audacity. This is not only because the kakuna stage is nearly immobile, therefore requiring a trainer to exert the patience needed to help their kakuna cultivate the experience required for evolution, but also because the resulting beedrill is a fiercely territorial and aggressive creature armed with three potently venomous stingers each measuring a foot long. Trainers who wish to keep beedrill are highly advised to keep healthy stocks of antidotes, pecha berries, and whatever they feel would be best to sedate a three-foot-tall bee that can fly at one’s face at violently high speeds.

Mega Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15+
Entry: The advanced form of beedrill, via beedrillite. Mega evolution forces beedrill to sacrifice their ability to launch distance attacks for a considerable boost in speed and physical strength. To reinforce this trade-off, beedrill gains a more aerodynamic body that’s far more nimble at dodging the trees of its forest habitat than its base form, and its stingers not only grow but also multiply until each individual mega beedrill possesses five razor-sharp stingers each at least a foot long. Strangely, the leader of the Cerulean Gym did not find this as fascinating as the author did.

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381+
Entry: The advanced form of latios, via latiosite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.

Bill… —LH

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380+
Entry: The advanced form of latias, via latiasite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.