Kalos Legendaries, Part I

bills-pokedex:

Carbink
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 703
Entry: A small, imp-like pokémon native to the caves of Kalos. Having slept underground for millions of years, the minerals in its body has been tempered by the pressures and temperatures of the earth itself into precious stones, most notably pure diamond. Interestingly enough, despite supposedly being related to a legendary pokémon, carbink are not considered to be legendaries themselves and are in fact fairly common in their native cave systems, which in turn means their diamonds are not particularly rare. In conclusion, for those of you who are interested in female-identifying people, the old saying “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” is terrible advice, but “chocolate is a girl’s best friend” is usually not. Just a friendly tip.

Diancie
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 719
Entry: According to Kalosean myth, this small, princess-like pokémon is the legendary of jewels. As such, it has the power to create diamonds by compressing the carbon in the air around it. Additionally, it is not only said to be the sudden transformation of carbink (through a surge of magical fairy energy), but it is also capable of mega evolving into an even more regal and powerful form. And on that note, the author is sorely tempted to make a reference to magical girls here, but unfortunately, the internet has beaten him to literally every possible one conceivable.

Mega Diancie
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 719+
Entry: The advanced form of diancie, via diancite. Despite being a mythical pokémon, diancie has gained a considerable amount of popularity among girls, purely for its magical girl-like mega evolution, and consequently, mega diancie is featured in quite a few Japanese animated cartoons, including and most notably the hugely popular franchise Crystal Knight Mega Diancie. Unfortunately, this also means that mega diancie is considerably popular among certain types of older anime fans, and suffice to say, the author strongly urges one to never look into the Crystal Knight Mega Diancie subreddit.

The Aron Line

bills-pokedex:

Aron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 304
Entry: A small but hefty tank-like pokémon originally discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. Although these small but docile pokémon typically live deep underground, they thrive on iron and will thus rise to the surface in search of it if underground deposits run dry. In the process, they quickly become destructive forces of nature, capable of destroying anything within their paths easily until they consume the iron they need. They have been known to devour anything containing iron, including railroad tracks, cars, heavy equipment, sensitive research equipment, and more … yet the editor of this blog still considers them to be “cute” and “not at all dangerous” for some reason.

Lairon
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 305
Entry: The evolved form of aron, by battle experience. Aron, a pokémon that typically lives in herds, will congregate into similar herd structures after evolution. These herds typically congregate near mineral-rich underground springs, where they often engage in vicious battles with one another by slamming into each other’s armor, all in preparation for fights against invading pokémon or humans. Unfortunately, because their spring-side habitats tend to be closer to the surface than their nests as aron, they are known to lay waste to even more human-built structures, including mines, tunnels, or mountainside villages. For whatever reason, the editor of this blog thinks lairon is cute too.

Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 306
Entry: The evolved form of lairon, by battle experience. Upon evolution, aggron will break away from its former herd and roam vast, mountainous territory by itself. A single aggron will claim an entire mountain as its personal territory, and as such, aggron are known to aggressively repel other aggron—even those from its former herd—with incredible feats of violence. Lone aggron are therefore much easier to capture and train, and in fact, aggron are among the strongest pokémon available in the Hoenn region. Their popularity is only helped by the fact that the Hoennian champion, Steven Stone, includes one among his signature team … which, actually, might explain the editor’s predilection towards them.

What are you implying?! —LH

Mega Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel
Official Registration #: 306+
Entry: The advanced form of aggron, via aggronite. Upon mega evolution, aggron loses its affinity for the rock type but gains a considerable boost in defensive and physically offensive capabilities. Some believe that, in conjunction with its own territorial nature and the existence of mega tyranitar, mega aggron is itself proof that there is no higher power in the universe, as clearly, monsters with world-ending abilities and devastating tempers are allowed to exist and be placed in the hands of a species with notoriously questionable levels of judgment. Others believe that this is actually proof that there is a higher power out there and that this higher power is both a pokémon and extremely puzzled that humans have managed to survive for as long as we have.

The editor of this blog, meanwhile, simply believes that a 400-pound armored behemoth with spikes quite literally everywhere and a strong tendency to protect the pristine state of its territory through the most violent means possible is cute.

Edit: Really? Nothing, Lanette? —Bill

Why would I have a comeback? It’s cute, and to be fair, the world could use more sentient tanks to protect the environment. —LH

Sometimes I forget how terrifying you are… —Bill

The Larvitar Line

bills-pokedex:

Larvitar
The Rock Skin Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 246
Entry: A two-foot-tall, dinosaur-like pokémon native to mountainous regions. Although it’s true that larvitar are born underground and eat soil and rocks until they tunnel to the surface, the idea that they eat entire mountains before evolution is entirely false. It just feels as if they do, as larvitar are, on average, almost 160 pounds, and they have a tendency to leap at their unsuspecting trainers when overwhelmed with the need to shower them with affection via a tackling hug.

Pupitar
The Hard Shell Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 247
Entry: The evolved form of larvitar, by battle experience. During evolution, larvitar encase themselves in a cocoon of rock. This stone shell is as hard and solid as bedrock, so while it fully protects the larvitar inside from any damage, it also constricts its limb movements. However, this doesn’t mean it’s entirely immobile, as pupitar possesses vents all over its body, which allow the highly compressed gases it creates within itself to escape in the form of powerful jets. In fact, these jets can be so powerful that they can propel pupitar wherever it needs to be faster than a number of other pokémon. This is, of course, doubly unfortunate for its trainer, as not only can pupitar launch itself like a rocket in any direction, but it’s also a 335-pound tank of pure destruction … that still enjoys showering its trainers with affection by throwing itself at them.

Tyranitar
The Armor Pokémon
Type: Rock/Dark
Official Registration #: 248
Entry: The evolved form of pupitar, by battle experience. On the positive side, tyranitar do not shower their trainers with affection by throwing themselves at them. On the negative side, tyranitar are highly destructive and aggressive pokémon who possess the ability to flatten miles of forest in seconds and who are constantly on the lookout for new opponents to fight, and tamed tyranitar consider doing both of these things (committing incredible amounts of property damage and fighting literally anything it can find) to be perfectly acceptable methods of showing affection towards their trainers.

Mega Tyranitar
The Armor Pokémon
Type: Rock/Dark
Official Registration #: 248+
Entry: The advanced form of tyranitar, via tyranitarite. On the positive side, achieving mega evolution with a tyranitar is proof that it and its trainer have formed an unbreakable, everlasting bond of friendship between each other. On the negative side, mega tyranitar are significantly faster, bulkier, and more powerful than their un-mega evolved forms, and the point about their generally highly aggressive nature still stands. Best of luck, trainers!

The Mareep Line

bills-pokedex:

Mareep
The Wool Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 179
Entry: A two-foot-tall, sheep-like pokémon native to the fields of Johto. This shy and docile pokémon stores electricity in its fluffy wool. The more electricity it stores, the more its wool puffs out. Eventually, the wool falls off naturally, and at that point, it can be collected and spun. If used immediately, mareep yarn can serve as a handy natural battery for small devices. However, if allowed to discharge its electricity through a grounder over a period of two days, it can be used as an adequate (albeit slightly glowing) substitute for yarn made of sheep wool. It is thus favored by crafters for its brilliant properties, as mareep wool can add shine and glitter to most knitting projects. Such as, for example, a … rather charming autumn sweater a grandmother sends to her grandson who doesn’t have the heart to tell her he hasn’t worn sweaters in years.

Flaaffy
The Wool Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 180
Entry: The evolved form of mareep, by battle experience. A two-and-a-half-foot-tall sheep-like pokémon native to the fields of northern Johto. Also: a sheep half-covered in coarse, electrified wool and half-covered in rubbery, non-conductive skin. Also: apparently what androids dream of, the author has been told.

Ampharos
The Light Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 181
Entry: The evolved form of flaaffy, by battle experience. Although ampharos loses its evolutionary line’s signature wool (except in its mega-evolved form, in which it gains long, flowing locks), it gains a tail tipped with a jewel capable of emitting brilliant light. This light is so bright it can be seen from space if wielded by a healthy (and perhaps angry) ampharos. Knowing this, the people of ancient, seafaring civilizations often used ampharos, both to communicate over long distances and to guide ships around rocky shores. It is therefore one of the few pokémon that has ever guided entire naval fleets using the power of its rear end.

Mega Ampharos
The Light Pokémon
Type: Electric/Dragon
Official Registration #: 181+
Entry: The advanced form of ampharos, via ampharosite. Upon mega evolution, ampharos gains not only an affinity for the dragon element and a boost in power but also a long, luxurious mane of wool. Additionally, it gains the ability Mold Breaker, which some believe is actually the result of the sheer power of the glory of its godly locks.

That is most definitely not true … although yes, ampharos’s mane is rather impressive. —LH

The Slowpoke Line

bills-pokedex:

Slowpoke
The Dopey Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 79
Entry: A sweet sap leaks from the tip of this strange pokémon’s tail. Although mysterious in its production, this sap tastes exactly like a sweeter form of honey and thus is effective in attracting pokémon. Slowpoke frequently use this to their advantage, as the core of their behavior centers around their fishing rituals, in which they flock to the banks of a slow-moving body of water, dip their tails in, and wait for a bite. However, as slowpoke are not the brightest pokémon nor pokémon with the fastest reflexes, they often fail to notice when they get a bite—or, for that matter, much about their environment at all. Which leads into the second fact: that some humans have found that slowpoke tails are not particularly nutritious but are quite frankly fun to chew on. How we as a species discovered this about a creature who is completely incapable of noticing when anything—human or otherwise—is chewing on its tail is probably best left up to one’s imagination.

Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, by battle experience. Or, rather, to be more accurate, slowpoke evolves into slowbro after it gains enough strength to fish in waters where shellder naturally live. This is relevant because it is the shellder that enables a slowpoke to evolve by clamping down on the tip of its tail. However, curiously enough, a slowbro will always revert to a slowpoke when the shellder is removed, which raises several questions about the nature of slowpoke’s evolution. One possible hint to the existence of slowbro as its own pokémon lies in the fact that due to shellder’s hold on slowbro’s tail, the slowbro host can no longer fish and is, therefore, forced to hunt literally by hand. Thus, slowbro is quite possibly not a true evolution but instead what happens when a slowpoke is forced to give up its sheer laziness.

Slowking
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 199
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, when given a king’s rock and traded. It is said that a king’s rock is actually a piece of fossilized shellder that, when traded, reverts back to being a shellder and subsequently bites its companion slowpoke’s head. Upon dual evolution, this shellder then leaks toxins into its host, which breaks down slowking’s literal mental barriers and gives it a drastic boost in intelligence. Given that this means slowking’s intelligence is chemically enhanced, the writer would like to take the time to note to younger readers that drugs do not, in fact, result in intelligence boosts in humans. Just say no, children, and stay in school. Unless you go on a trainer’s journey, at which point never eat mushrooms you can’t identify.

Bill, in case you were still wondering why Fennel won’t leave Amanita with you unless another adult is present to supervise, this. This is why. —LH

Mega Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80+
Entry: The advanced form of slowbro, via slowbronite. Despite the expression on its face; its erratic, spinning battle style; and the fact that it has somehow been nearly completely consumed by its symbiotic shell, mega slowbro does not need assistance. It is trying its best, dear readers. Just … just let it.

Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.

Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.

Kangaskhan

bills-pokedex:

Well. Now that that bit of unpleasantness has been cleared up, let’s continue with a pokémon that this writer has recently been reminded of for reasons that have nothing to do with the last actual entry.

Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115
Entry: A kangaroo-like pokémon consisting of a mother creature and a separate, smaller baby, known within the pokémonology field as a “joey.” Much of the mother pokémon’s life revolves around caring for and violently defending her young, which she always carries in her front pouch. Curiously, this changes upon mega evolution, at which point the joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.

Mega Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115+
Entry: The advanced form of kangaskhan, via kangaskhanite. Upon mega evolution, a kangaskhan joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.

You had a year off from these, Bill. A year. —LH

I know! Isn’t it impressive how much one’s sense of humor can improve with rest? —Bill

No. No to all of this. —LH

Audino

bills-pokedex:

Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 531
Entry: A rabbit-like pokémon native to the fields of Unova. Audino possess not only sensitive ears but also specialized feelers for detecting sound, which in combination gift it with the most sensitive hearing in the pokémon kingdom. As such, audino are typically timid pokémon, but they also make great healers, not only because they have the ability to detect aliments and heartbeats by sound but also because they have a natural inclination towards wanting to cure others. It is thus one of the gentlest pokémon in existence as well as one of the most useful to both trainers and civilians alike … yet most of Unova know it as “the best punching bag to use if you really want to get your pokémon some battle experience.”

Mega Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fairy
Official Registration #: 531+
Entry: The advanced form of audino, via audinite. Upon achieving mega evolution, audino gain a considerable boost in their defensive capabilities, a slight boost in one of their offensive capabilities, an affinity for the fairy element, and an insatiable thirst for vengeance towards humans who only valued them as target practice for their pokémon teams.

I assure you, they do not gain one of those things… —LH

You’re right. Their offensive capabilities don’t really get that much better after mega evolution. —Bill

The Ralts Line

bills-pokedex:

As an apology for our delay in both the response to the last question and our entries as a whole, please accept this special, extra entry for the day. Thank you for your patience. —LH

Ralts
The Feeling Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 280
Entry: A childlike pokémon native to the quieter forests of Hoenn. Because of its ability to sense the emotions of others, it typically avoids contact with anything that is not of the ralts line and is, therefore, extremely rare and difficult to find. However, because of its timidity, its soft but cute cry, and its eagerness to please others (in order to neutralize any negativity that surrounds it), it is also a popular pokémon among children and young adults … which very likely does absolutely nothing to alleviate ralts’s aversion to drama and high doses of extreme emotion.

Kirlia
The Emotion Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 281
Entry: The evolved form of ralts, by battle experience. Although kirlia possesses more mastery over its psychic abilities than its predecessor, it is still prone to being highly affected by the emotions of its trainer. For example, trainers who experience incredible emotions of joy or pride may cause their kirlia to dance with happiness. Trainers suffering through negative emotions will find that their kirlia has become lethargic and depressed. And trainers in the vicinity of other humans they find incredibly attractive will cause their kirlia to ███████

Really, Bill? Really? —LH

Gardevoir
The Embrace Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 282
Entry: The evolved form of kirlia, by battle experience. Only the strongest trainers who form the closest, most loving bonds with their kirlia may see their pokémon evolve to their final, natural forms. Thus, a gardevoir is born out of strong feelings of loyalty, so it stands to reason that gardevoir in general are inherently extremely protective of their trainers. This is true; all observable tamed gardevoir have been known to go to extreme lengths to protect their trainers from any potential threat. Unfortunately for most people, “extreme lengths” may include creating a miniature black hole, and “potential threat” may include literally anyone within five feet of their trainers.

Gallade
The Blade Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 475
Entry: The evolved form of male kirlia, by exposure to dawn stone. Although its sibling evolution results from the incredible bonds formed between a kirlia and another being, this does not mean gallade do not experience similarly intense urges to protect their trainers and loved ones. If anything, their ability to sense the emotions of potential foes, combined with the drive to battle inherent in all fighting-types and extreme fondness for using the swords hidden in their forearms, make them even more gung-ho about protecting the people and pokémon they value the most. Therefore, trainers should be extremely wary about teaching their gallade to attack only on command, rather than any time they sense danger. Well-meaning researchers who intend to give gallade to sisters with questionable tastes in men, however, are free to teach their pokémon whatever they wish.

They aren’t, but good try. —LH

Mega Gardevoir
The Embrace Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 282+
Entry: The advanced form of gardevoir, with gardevoirite. Due to this pokémon’s bridal appearance and strong associations with emotion, it’s said that those who manage to mega-evolve their gardevoir in tandem with a partner’s gallade are destined for one another. Unfortunately, the author has yet to verify these claims, as the only person he knows with a member of the ralts line has been a less-than-willing subject.

I’m not evolving my kirlia until he’s ready, just because you want to test the validity of old wives’ tales! Also, you don’t even have a gallade! —LH

Mega Gallade
The Blade Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 475+
Entry: The advanced form of gallade, with galladite. Due to this pokémon’s noble, swordsman-like appearance and strong associations with protection, it’s said that those who manage to mega-evolve their gallade in tandem with a partner’s gardevoir are their partner’s destined protector. Unfortunately, the author has yet to verify these claims, as the only person he knows who could secure a galladite for testing has been forbidden (by the editor of this blog) from selling evolution stones of any sort to him without the reassurance that it’s not for science.

Stop telling Steven you’ve gotten my permission too! —LH