The Rattata Line

bills-pokedex:

Rattata
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 19
Entry: As one of the most common pokémon in Kanto and Johto, rattata are typically among the first team members for many beginning trainers. Small, quick, cautious, hardy, and very fond of biting things with its large front teeth, rattata may be known for their survival skills in the wild, but its lack of elemental aptitude and its less-than-ideal defenses mean that rattata are among the most commonly “boxed” pokémon in existence. However, recently, rattata has gained popularity among younger trainers, not because of its cute appearance or its availability but instead because of the inexplicable trend among such trainers to obtain and raise the “top percentage rattata.”

Raticate
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 20
Entry: The evolved form of rattata, by battle experience. Raticate depend on its whiskers to maintain its balance, and while this pokémon may be quick and agile with its whiskers intact, cutting them off is a sure-fire way to slow and disorient a raticate. Incidentally, cutting off a raticate’s whiskers is also a sure-fire way to get mauled by a forty-pound rat with six-inch fangs.

Rattata (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Dark/Normal
Official Registration #: 19
Entry: The Alolan cousin to the common rattata is an extremely discerning pokémon that will seldom touch any kind of produce that isn’t fresh. Some trainers use this to their advantage by taking an Alolan rattata with them when they shop for groceries so that these rattata can scout out the freshest produce for them. Others trainers do not because they’re sensible people who know exactly what happens when you bring rats into any establishment that sells food.

Raticate (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Dark/Normal
Official Registration #: 20
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan rattata, by battle experience, at night. These rat-like pokémon are highly sociable but only to an extent. They’re notorious for forming clans of Alolan rattata that serve them by venturing out of the nest and gathering as much food as possible, even if not all of that food gets eaten. Because of the greed exhibited by the Alolan raticate, members of this species do not get along with one another and are known to wage intense and violent territory disputes using their rattata foot soldiers. Incidentally, this also describes the climate of southern Goldenrod, just in case anyone would like recommendations for vacation destinations this summer.

Rufflet and Braviary

bills-pokedex:

Rufflet
The Eaglet Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 627
Entry: An eagle-like pokémon known for its particularly fascinating tendency to stand up to any opponent, no matter how large or powerful they may be. This is, in general, an honorable behavior to display. It is important to stand up for your principles, after all, even if those principles result in you rolling down Cycling Road in a trash bin because you decided to stand up to the Celadon University rugby team while conveniently forgetting that you lack any sort of battling skills, hand-to-hand combat training, or, in fact, any semblance of hand-eye coordination.

To your credit, at least it was casserole day, so you had a cushion and free dinner. —LH

Braviary
The Valiant Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 628
Entry: The evolved form of rufflet, by battle experience. A large, eagle-like pokémon that will fight for its friends, regardless of the risks to itself. Because of this behavior, braviary has been taken to be a symbol of sorts to various regions and nations—including and especially Unova, where braviary represents FREEDOM. Which is, as the writer understands it from his good friends on the internet, a distinctly separate concept from freedom, as FREEDOM apparently involves far more fireworks, guns, ursaring, and acts of throwing perfectly good tea into a questionably good harbor.

Mega Braviary
The Valiant Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 628+
Entry: The advanced form of braviary, via heightened FREEDOM. It’s just a braviary with more guns, less inhibitions, and a questionable moral compass. Its hobbies include speaking very loudly and dumping perfectly good tea into harbors.

Bill … this pokémon doesn’t even exist. Are you just posting this because you’re still angry about that one time someone dumped tea into your pond? —LH

I didn’t think he’d actually do it! —Bill

Swablu and Altaria

bills-pokedex:

Swablu
The Cotton Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 333
Entry: A small, bluebird-like pokémon most commonly found in the mountains of Hoenn. This gentle pokémon is known for its highly friendly demeanor towards humans. When a human wanders into their territory, swablu like to swoop in and settle onto the human’s head like a hat made of down and soft, pillowy cotton. This specific behavior is likely due to the swablu’s preference for soft, pliable building materials for their nests, so therefore, it is said that if a swablu settles on you, then it deems you both trustworthy and comfortable. If, however, two swablu settle on you and proceed to lay eggs on your head, then they deem you extremely trustworthy and comfortable. Or at least this is what the author’s partner and editor assured him when he suddenly found himself with an entire team of swablu.

Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 334
Entry: The evolved form of swablu, by battle experience. This graceful pokémon is known for its singing ability and its soft, cloud-like wings. When bonding with its trainer, an altaria will envelope said trainer in its wings and sing a beautiful, soothing melody to lull them to sleep. Or, at least, scientists assume this is an act of bonding and that any unfortunate mishaps involving dense wings and songs that lull a human to sleep are entirely accidental. This is also something the author’s editor (or, rather, her sister) assures him whenever her altaria shows “displays of affection” and “excitement to see him.”

Mega Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Fairy
Official Registration #: 334+
Entry: The advanced form of altaria, via altarianite. The mega evolution of altaria is noted for being far more sociable and vocal than its base form. It’s highly affectionate, and it often sings a soothing, melodic tone when it’s about to display affection towards a given target. This is handy for said target, by the way, should he wish to not be smothered to near death by a cloud of feathers from a very familiar altaria. Again.

The Pidgey Line

{Short note of explanation: The following is a complete rewrite of the pidgey line’s pokédex entries, rather than simply an entry for mega pidgeot. This probably won’t be a common thing but rather just a thing that might happen from time to time with the least funny entries. Sorry! Carry on!}

Pidgey
The Tiny Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, extremely common bird-like pokémon native to Kanto. This pokémon is popular among younger trainers, not only for how easy it is to catch and train but also because humans apparently take delight in calling a nearly direct descendant of the majestic dinosaur pokémon “birb,” “smol boi,” and/or “four pounds of whoop-[EXPLETIVE].”

Pidgeotto
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. The crest on its head is a set of feathers that help stabilize this pokémon during high-speed flight. However, the author will not discourage anyone from assuming that they are “leafs” that pidgeotto “wears on its head to enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. The author can neither confirm nor deny whether or not this pokémon would sell its trainers to Giratina for one corn chip, but he can say it’s more likely for pidgeot to do it than honchkrow.

Mega Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18+
Entry: The advanced form of pidgeot, via pidgeotite. This bird-like pokémon keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone. You may think the author is quoting yet another bird-themed meme, but actually, no, that is a literal and scientifically accurate statement.

Buneary and Lopunny

bills-pokedex:

Buneary
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 427
Entry: A foot-tall, rabbit-like pokémon native to temperate forests. It’s easy to determine the mood of a buneary by its body language, particularly regarding its ears. If its ears are relaxed and extended (particularly if this is coupled with a “flop,” or an act in which the buneary dramatically flips onto its side), then the buneary feels safe, loved, and relaxed, and it’s fine to engage with it. If, however, the buneary is tense, drawing its entire body up into a ball, and curling its ears, then it feels threatened, and a human should approach with caution. Certainly, it may seem odd that the author would advise caution when approaching anything so small and adorable, but it’s worth it to note that buneary are capable of extending their ears in lightning-fast punches capable of shattering boulders … and that the human nose and jaw are far, far less resilient than a boulder.

Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 428
Entry: The evolved form of buneary, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. This tall, slender rabbit pokémon has delicate, sensitive ears and long, powerful legs. If one touches their ears, lopunny will lash out with strong kicks. Additionally, these pokémon are cautious to the extreme, and they will often hide behind their long, elegant ears when they sense danger. Between the length of their legs and the sensuous poses they need to strike in order to hide themselves behind their ears, the author would like to take this particular moment to remind his readers that lopunny are rabbit-like pokémon and that if this doesn’t change the thought processes of those of you who know who they are, the author would prefer it if you didn’t tell him.

Mega Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fighting
Official Registration #: 428+
Entry: The advanced form of lopunny, via lopunnite. Mega evolution doesn’t just imbue lopunny with an affinity for the fighting element; it also causes lopunny’s personality to change drastically. Whereas lopunny’s base form tends to be shy and docile unless cornered, mega lopunny is extremely combative and aggressive, known for beating any opponent within reach with either its long, whip-like ears or its equally long, extremely strong legs. There are a number of theories as to why mega evolution causes lopunny’s personality to change in this manner, but frankly, the author is particularly fond of the one that has to do with the entry for its base form listed above.

Audino

bills-pokedex:

Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 531
Entry: A rabbit-like pokémon native to the fields of Unova. Audino possess not only sensitive ears but also specialized feelers for detecting sound, which in combination gift it with the most sensitive hearing in the pokémon kingdom. As such, audino are typically timid pokémon, but they also make great healers, not only because they have the ability to detect aliments and heartbeats by sound but also because they have a natural inclination towards wanting to cure others. It is thus one of the gentlest pokémon in existence as well as one of the most useful to both trainers and civilians alike … yet most of Unova know it as “the best punching bag to use if you really want to get your pokémon some battle experience.”

Mega Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fairy
Official Registration #: 531+
Entry: The advanced form of audino, via audinite. Upon achieving mega evolution, audino gain a considerable boost in their defensive capabilities, a slight boost in one of their offensive capabilities, an affinity for the fairy element, and an insatiable thirst for vengeance towards humans who only valued them as target practice for their pokémon teams.

I assure you, they do not gain one of those things… —LH

You’re right. Their offensive capabilities don’t really get that much better after mega evolution. —Bill

Oranguru and Passimian

Oranguru
The Sage Pokémon
Type: Normal/Psychic
Official Registration #: 765
Entry: These orangutan-like pokémon are of particular interest to pokémon ethologists and paleontologists. This is largely because of its notably human-like behavior. While it often spends its time separated from pokémon and engaging in self-education through meditation, it will sometimes venture down from its home to feed and care for wild pokémon as part of what is apparently a human-like moral obligation. More importantly, oranguru also possess the ability to create and use tools as well as command other pokémon in battles against human trainers. Captive oranguru have even shown the capability of using poké balls, which all in all means that a pokémon uprising is a very real possibility for our future, but the author, for one, would welcome our oranguru overlords.

Passimian
The Teamwork Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 766
Entry: These lemur-like pokémon are of particular interest to pokémon ethologists and paleontologists. For one, scientists have noted that passimian form primitive colonies that very much resemble those of humankind’s own primate cousins and thus, in much the same way, may help pokémonologists understand the origins of the more humanlike pokémon, such as sawk and throh. Second, passimian have been known to make their own tools (namely, the polished coconuts they’re often seen carrying) with an almost humanlike intelligence and level of care, thus intriguing pokémon ethologists on the subject of pokémon sapience. Third, very little else is known about the passimian, as they have a tendency to congregate in groups of ten to thirty specimens, each armed with a polished coconut, to swarm and attack pokémon paleo-ethologists … such as the author.

The Pikipek Line

Pikipek
The Woodpecker Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 731
Entry: A small, woodpecker-like pokémon native to the tropical forests of Alola. It’s best known for using its sharp, hardened beak to drill holes into tree trunks at an incredible rate of sixteen pecks per second. Once drilled, pikipek use these holes to store a variety of things, including berries that it will later feed on or shiny objects that have caught its attention. It also sometimes stores its eggs in these holes after mating but will often leave its nest if an egg falls out of it, a habit rarely displayed by any other bird pokémon. Because it’s such a rare habit, studies have gone into why pikipek will leave a nest and all its contents, including any other egg in it, if an egg falls out, especially given the effort pikipek expends to make such a nest in the first place, but the results are still largely inconclusive. Leading theories include “pikipek literally cannot adjust their nests once a clutch is laid honestly it’s that simple” and “pikipek just really hate themselves and trees and quite possibly also gravity.”

Trumbeak
The Bugle Beak Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 732
Entry: The evolved form of pikipek, by battle experience. This woodpecker pokémon is known for its ability to create a wide variety of calls by modulating its voice and bending its highly flexible beak. While there have been many studies into these calls (particularly in which different calls are recorded, interpreted, and indexed into a trumbeak lexicon), of particular interest to researchers and children alike is the “noot noot” call, which consists of a trumbeak rounding its beak and emitting two short, loud cries. Because of the amusing nature of these calls, a number of trumbeak cartoon characters have emerged since this pokémon’s discovery, all of which communicate primarily with this single call. However, it was only recently discovered that the “noot noot” call is actually a warning cry, as shortly after emitting this call, a trumbeak will often shoot a volley of berry seeds from its rounded beak at any invading human who has haplessly wandered into its line of sight.

Toucannon
The Cannon Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 733
Entry: The evolved form of trumbeak, by battle experience. Contrary to Unovan pop culture and marketing, toucannon does not “follow its nose” to “delicious fruit flavor.” First of all, that nose is actually a beak. Second, it does not so much follow it as heat it up to over 200 degrees Fahrenheit and proceed to smash it into boulders, stubborn fruit, and humans who believe following toucannon will lead them to delicious tropical fruit caches.

Stufful and Bewear

Stufful
The Flailing Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fighting
Official Registration #: 759
Entry: Although this pokémon strongly resembles a stuffed animal, humans should take caution in its presence. Even the smallest, youngest stufful is capable of knocking a pro wrestler flat on his back. This may sound like a rather specific comparison, but luckily, the research community actually has a handy subject for verification. Unfortunately, the author is not at liberty to say who, but let’s just say he’s in a prime position to study Alolan pokémon, and his wife has asked us all to humor him.

Bewear
The Strong Arm Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fighting
Official Registration #: 760
Entry: The evolved form of stufful, by battle experience. This red panda-like pokémon is famous for its unusual behavior, which is commonly studied by pokémon ethologists. While most pokémon smile and approach to interact with humans in a friendly manner, smiling, waving, and approaching are all signs of aggression in bewear. Signs of happiness, meanwhile, are often displayed in the form of curling up on the ground and crying, as these are the most prone and vulnerable positions for bewear to take. However, humans should take caution: just because a bewear is prone doesn’t necessarily mean it’s open for approach, and it can go from crying to breaking a human’s arm with a smile in a matter of seconds.

Litleo and Pyroar

Litleo
The Lion Cub Pokémon
Type: Fire/Normal
Official Registration #: 667
Entry: This small, lion cub-like pokémon is often found on the plains of Kalos, practicing its fighting, hunting, and pouncing skills. As noted in pop culture, it is normally hot-blooded and often actively seeks fights. Also noted in pop culture, it spews fire by heating up its mane to an incredible degree, which in turn increases its power. However, contrary to pop culture, it does not actually strike out on its own to find these fights, nor does it dance, sing, or team up with a pignite, a watchog, and a passimian in an attempt to kill its uncle.

Pyroar
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Fire/Normal
Official Registration #: 668
Entry: The evolved form of litleo, by battle experience. One of the most famous examples of sexual dimorphism in pokémon, male and female pyroar can be distinguished by their manes. While female pyroar almost always possess only a sleek, stream-like mane, male pyroar almost always possess a large, luxurious mane that burns with a brilliant fire. As with many other pokémon, the specimen with the largest signature trait—in this case, the male pyroar with the largest mane—is often considered to be the leader of their group (pride, in this case). Given its majestic look and its status as an apex predator on the Kalosean plains, male pyroar are often mistakenly considered to be the “king” of their prides and thus the jungle. This, of course, is a misconception; in actuality, male pyroar are often timid and lazy in comparison to the female pyroar, who not only do the majority of the hunting for their pride but also essentially keep the single male pyroar as a “pet” for breeding stock. In other words, while it’s commonly thought that pyroar form patriarchal societies, they do, in fact, form a matriarchal ones in a style that is very, very reminiscent of certain human organizations.

That reminds me, Bill. I assume you’ll be going to the next boxdev camp? The thirty other female administrators out of the forty-two manned regions have missed being able to send you out for coffee every day. —LH

Yes, ma’am. —Bill