The Marill Line

Azurill
The Polka Dot Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fairy
Official Registration #: 298
Entry: This small, mouse-like pokémon is actually best known for its ability to bounce about on its rubbery, nutrient-filled tail. However, it’s actually considered to be scientifically interesting because the phenomenon in which some female azurill evolve into male marill. There are a few theories as to why this is, including the idea that azurill’s gender shifts in response to environmental changes in combination with the boost in energy caused by evolution. Of course, a more practical theory is that male and female azurill are nearly indistinguishable from one another and that many male azurill are mistakenly classified as female due to inadequate gendering methods for the species. A study could be launched to see if the latter is the case—and, if it is, to rectify the situation—but frankly put, it’s either correcting a system of classification the azurill themselves have no concept of or finding a cure to azurill tail cancer.

Marill
The Aqua Mouse Pokémon
Type: Water/Fairy
Official Registration #: 183
Entry: The evolved form of azurill, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. Marill possess a water-repellant tail and coat of fur, which in conjunction with each other, make it impossible for marill to drown. In the wild, this allows marill to forage for food even in the swiftest of currents without having to worry about being dragged under, but in captivity, some trainers see it as an opportunity. Tamed marill are frequently used by novice trainers to ferry themselves across the water using Surf, Whirlpool, Waterfall, or all three moves in combination. However, it’s worth it to note that the author has just specified novice trainers, as experienced trainers have quickly learned that a foot-tall mouse with aqua-repellant fur may be able to keep themselves from drowning, but keeping a five-foot-tall, 100+-pound human from doing the same is an entirely different story.

Azumarill
The Aqua Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Water/Fairy
Official Registration #: 184
Entry: The evolved form of marill, by battle experience. This rabbit-like pokémon is known for its long ears and bubble pattern. The bubble pattern gives it camouflage in the water, and its long ears are excellent sensors that allow it to detect even the most minute prey. Using both in combination allow it to glide through the water undetected until it comes across and pounces on its next meal. One may wonder why azumarill, a pokémon that strongly resembles an exclusively herbivorous animal, has the carnivorous tendency of hunting for and pouncing on food, to which the author responds with, “Azumarill are native to Johto. Have you ever seen the aquatic plants of Johto? I thought not. They’re vicious, chief. They will eat your arm right off if you’re not careful around them.”

Buneary and Lopunny

Buneary
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 427
Entry: A foot-tall, rabbit-like pokémon native to temperate forests. It’s easy to determine the mood of a buneary by its body language, particularly regarding its ears. If its ears are relaxed and extended (particularly if this is coupled with a “flop,” or an act in which the buneary dramatically flips onto its side), then the buneary feels safe, loved, and relaxed, and it’s fine to engage with it. If, however, the buneary is tense, drawing its entire body up into a ball, and curling its ears, then it feels threatened, and a human should approach with caution. Certainly, it may seem odd that the author would advise caution when approaching anything so small and adorable, but it’s worth it to note that buneary are capable of extending their ears in lightning-fast punches capable of shattering boulders … and that the human nose and jaw are far, far less resilient than a boulder.

Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 428
Entry: The evolved form of buneary, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. This tall, slender rabbit pokémon has delicate, sensitive ears and long, powerful legs. If one touches their ears, lopunny will lash out with strong kicks. Additionally, these pokémon are cautious to the extreme, and they will often hide behind their long, elegant ears when they sense danger. Between the length of their legs and the sensuous poses they need to strike in order to hide themselves behind their ears, the author would like to take this particular moment to remind his readers that lopunny are rabbit-like pokémon and that if this doesn’t change the thought processes of those of you who know who they are, the author would prefer it if you didn’t tell him.

Zigzagoon and Linoone

Zigzagoon
The Tiny Raccoon Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 263
Entry: This small, raccoon-like pokémon possesses both an insatiable sense of curiosity and rough, barb-like hairs that stick to objects. As it wanders, it marks its territory by rubbing up against objects and shedding hairs, but if an object sticks to its body as a result, it brings these back to its nest to add to its collection. For some trainers, this can be a good thing, as zigzagoon will bring back objects that may be useful to their journey, such as stones or berries. For other trainers, this can be a bad thing, as zigzagoon will bring back objects that may be slightly less useful to their journey … such as other trainers’ badges and equipment.

Linoone
The Rushing Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 264
Entry: The evolved form of zigzagoon, by battle experience. Linoone charge at prey with overwhelming speeds, hoping to catch them off-guard. Unfortunately, despite its high speeds, linoone can only run in a straight line, which means they frequently miss their targets. One would think that it would be prudent to inform a linoone that if it turned, it may be slightly more successful, but to be frank, when a seventy-pound object with sharp claws and teeth is hurtling towards a person at sixty miles an hour, giving that object constructive criticism has the unfortunate tendency to be the last thing on their mind.

Zangoos and Seviper

Certainly, anonymous!

Zangoose
The Cat Ferret Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 335
Entry: A tall, mongoose-like pokémon first discovered in the mountains of Hoenn. Zangoose are known for exactly three things. First and most importantly, they are famous for their blood rivalry against seviper, which itself was very likely born from the fact that seviper, their favored prey, are also eight-foot-long tubes of hate and violence. Second, zangoose are known for their massive, sharp claws, which are capable of slicing through not only boulders but also raging seviper. Third and finally, zangoose are known for quite possibly the worst and most inaccurate species designation of any pokémon in existence.

Seviper
The Fang Snake Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 336
Entry: A large, viper-like pokémon first discovered in the mountains of Hoenn. Seviper are known for exactly three things. First and most importantly, they are famous for their blood rivalry against zangoose, which itself was very likely born from the fact that zangoose, their foremost predator, are also stubborn and ornery balls of muscle and terrible judgment. Second, seviper are known for their long tail blades, which not only are sharp enough to slice a boulder or a zangoose clean in half but are also venomous (as if the sharpness wasn’t enough). Third and finally, seviper are known for the second worst species designation of any pokémon in existence, trumped by zangoose’s only because seviper’s is actually stating the obvious.

Stantler

Stantler
The Big Horn Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 234
Entry: A deer-like pokémon native to the forests of Johto. Although these tough and tenacious pokémon are purely normal-types, they apparently display odd telepathic and hypnotic properties. When one stares at the black, orb-like growths in the center of a stantler’s horns, an odd sensation overcomes them: some humans have even reported hallucinating as a result of staring directly at these organs. Unfortunately, stantler also tend to be rather aggressive and will charge at anyone who makes eye contact. Also unfortunately, the species has a tendency to misinterpret the act of staring at their horns as eye contact, leading to many an awkward situation for travelers attempting to cross the forests between Ecruteak and Goldenrod Cities, where they’re most prevalent.

The Chansey Line

Happiny
The Playhouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 440
Entry: This small, egg-like pokémon carries around a smooth, round stone that it apparently mistakes for an egg. It is not recommend that one tells a happiny—even in jest—that the stone is not, in fact, an egg, as doing so will result in the happiny bursting into tears, which in turn will result in a very stern lecture from your research partner.

Chansey
The Egg Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 113
Entry: The evolved form of happiny, by battle experience, during the day, if the subject is holding an oval stone. A rare, motherly pokémon with incredible regenerative abilities, chansey are practical angels to trainers and those in the medical field. They possess the ability to lay eggs whose yolk have unique healing properties, and whenever these pokémon come across injured humans or pokémon, it will generously share these eggs with these parties. Of course, what is not often mentioned is how chansey will share these eggs—which is to say, never twist your ankle in a field where chansey are known to live, as this will very likely result in you being hit with Egg Bomb from every possible angle. Yolk will get everywhere. Even in places you didn’t think it would be possible for yolk to be.

Blissey
The Happiness Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 242
Entry: The evolved form of chansey, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. The eggs it lays are composed of chemicals that induce euphoria in any human that consumes it. Additionally, blissey fur is highly sensitive and is, through means not yet understood, capable of detecting sadness. Using both abilities, blissey have a tendency to stop whatever they’re doing and rush towards any source of unhappiness in order to share their eggs with the unfortunate person. One would think, given the above, that blissey would be popular pokémon to have around hospitals and other sources of high stress levels, but this is only true for carefully trained blissey. There has been more than one incident of casually trained or wild blissey wreaking havoc on college campuses or in the wild due to their tendency to rush towards sources of unhappiness, and given the fact that “sharing” for a blissey means the same thing as “sharing” does for chansey, each of these instances ended, literally speaking, quite messily. Needless to say, one can expect to be cleaning yolk off themselves up to a week later.

Lickitung and Lickilicky

Lickitung
The Licking Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 108
Entry: This lizard-like pokémon is most famous for its six-foot-long tongue. Its tongue is both prehensile and covered with a sticky saliva, and because of this, lickitung will use this appendage far more than its actual hands. When extending this tongue, lickitung’s tail will quiver, which has led scientists to believe that either there is a neural connection between this pokémon’s tongue and tail or the pokémon simply gets excited when using the former. Either way, this combination of traits has led certain cultures to view lickitung as a euphemism—for what, the author cannot say but highly advises readers not to Google.

Lickilicky
The Licking Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 463
Entry: The evolved form of lickitung, if the subject knows Rollout. Much like its preevolved form, lickilicky relies on its highly prehensile tongue to manipulate objects around it, as opposed to its hands. However, it should be noted that lickilicky’s saliva gains anesthetic properties upon evolution, and as such, any human or smaller, non-poisonous pokémon that comes in contact with a lickilicky’s tongue will experience a sudden numbing sensation throughout their body. This is also taken as a euphemism by some cultures, and the author would like to issue an even stronger recommendation to avoid Googling why if at all possible.

Swablu and Altaria

Swablu
The Cotton Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 333
Entry: A small, bluebird-like pokémon most commonly found in the mountains of Hoenn. This gentle pokémon is known for its highly friendly demeanor towards humans. When a human wanders into their territory, swablu like to swoop in and settle onto the human’s head like a hat made of down and soft, pillowy cotton. This specific behavior is likely due to the swablu’s preference for soft, pliable building materials for their nests, so therefore, it is said that if a swablu settles on you, then it deems you both trustworthy and comfortable. If, however, two swablu settle on you and proceed to lay eggs on your head, then they deem you extremely trustworthy and comfortable. Or at least this is what the author’s partner and editor assured him when he suddenly found himself with an entire team of swablu.

Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 334
Entry: The evolved form of swablu, by battle experience. This graceful pokémon is known for its singing ability and its soft, cloud-like wings. When bonding with its trainer, an altaria will envelope said trainer in its wings and sing a beautiful, soothing melody to lull them to sleep. Or, at least, scientists assume this is an act of bonding and that any unfortunate mishaps involving dense wings and songs that lull a human to sleep are entirely accidental. This is also something the author’s editor (or, rather, her sister) assures him whenever her altaria shows “displays of affection” and “excitement to see him.”

Doduo and Dodrio

Author’s Note: Due to the editor deciding that “just because you answered a string of questions last night doesn’t mean you should end it with a sarcastic response” and that the author should “think of the readers and the poor woman I’ve hired as a PR consultant,” the author has been asked to do an entry that will, hopefully, better explain dodrio flight. And by “asked,” he actually means “ordered under threat of being shown a marathon of Binaclebob Trapezoidpants episodes.”

Doduo
The Twin Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 84
Entry: Despite its designation as a partial flying-type, doduo lack developed wings and therefore cannot fly for extended periods of time. Instead, it runs using its powerful legs. These legs are so well-developed and powerful that they enable doduo to reach speeds of up to sixty miles per hour, which in turn make it one of the fastest non-evolved land pokémon in existence. At these speeds, its two heads are highly useful for, appropriately enough, two reasons. First, by bobbing its heads back and forth in an alternating motion, doduo is able to maintain its balance. Second, because each head is always looking out for the other and because both heads are connected telepathically, one head can easily tell the other, “You’re about to run us headlong into a boulder, you absolute tool.” [Note: This is, at the very least, an approximation of what a doduo might say, based on psychic scans of a doduo running headlong into a boulder.]

Dodrio
The Triple Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 85
Entry: The evolved form of doduo, by battle experience. Upon evolution, doduo’s body reforms so that it possesses three of not only heads but several other organs, some of which the author cannot list in polite company. While this increases the resulting dodrio’s running endurance, it decreases its top speed. However, although dodrio is no longer capable of running as quickly as its predecessor, it makes up for it with an alternate means of transportation. Namely, while many people assume just by looking at a dodrio lacks wings, what few people realize is that the brown fluff surrounding its entire body are its wings, folded up. When unfurled, dodrio possesses a pair of wings so large and majestic that it dwarfs the wingspans of many of its fellow bird pokémon.

Bill, I explicitly told you not to give yet another sarcastic response to the question about how dodrio can fly. —LH

Actually, this one isn’t sarcastic. Their wings are actually more impressive than Ho-oh’s. —Bill

…okay, that’s it, you’re going to spend the rest of the evening with Binaclebob. —LH

Would you be able to write about swellow please? Its my favourite pokemon :)

Certainly! And thank you for your patience, anonymous.

Taillow
The Tiny Swallow Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 276
Entry: Due to their rapid growth and tendency to evolve rather quickly for bird-like pokémon, most taillow found in the wild are actually extremely young. Nonetheless, these are gutsy, spirited creatures who can hold their own in a battle. Out of a battle, however, taillow have an unfortunate tendency to cry when they’re hungry, when they’re lonely, when the weather is a few degrees colder than they care for, when it’s dark, when the wind is too strong for their liking, and several other instances that make earplugs wise investments for trainers who may be considering raising a taillow of their own.

Swellow
The Swallow Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 277
Entry: The evolved form of taillow, by battle experience. Known for its excellent flying skills—which consist of a combination of speed, endurance, and maneuverability that are virtually unmatched in the pokémon kingdom—swellow have the ability to swoop down from hundreds of feet in the air to snatch the tiniest insect in their feet with perfect accuracy. Of course, these skills are not limited for use in their daily hunting flights. In fact, swellow also use feats of aerial prowess to perform elaborate mating rituals, fly hundreds of miles to warmer climates in the autumn and winter, and coordinate with other swellow to carry coconuts tied together using a line of creeper held under the dorsal guiding feathers.