Okay, so you know how it’s “second star on the left and straight on until morning”? I think I actually took the third star and carried on until mid-afternoon, and now things are starting to get a little bit… freaky. What do I do now?

First and foremost, don’t panic. The gibberats can sense fear, and although you haven’t said whether or not you’ve passed the sixth ringed planet, one can never be too cautious about gibberats.

Now, assuming you’ve just entered the thrumming fields—the part that, as they say, “gets a little bit freaky”—simply take the next left at the first planet you pass. Travel straight along that route until you come to the Field of Holes. You’ll know when you’ve found it when you find a field of holes. Enter the first hole, then the sixth, and finally the twelfth. Do not enter the thirteenth hole (marked by the blue sigil), as that will take you someplace weirder. Walk along the corridor you find and then immediately double back. You will realize immediately that despite doubling back, you are not traveling along the same route. Keep going past the seven doors until you meet Theodore, who you’ll know by the hat and the fact that he will instantly tell you that his name is Jeremy. Ask him for the key to the Labyrinth and tell him that you need it because you’re picking up biscuits for your mother. He will give you an hourglass. Take that to the next star you see and give it to her. Kiss her once on each cheek—and exactly once, or twice will be a marriage proposal, and you wouldn’t want to be married to a star, believe me—and she will open three doors for you. The second one will take you to the second star on the left. Wait until morning and then proceed to Neverland.

Good luck!

Gym Leader Dex: Kanto

Brock
The Rock-Solid Pokémon Trainer
Type: Rock
Positon: First Badge—Boulder
Entry: A mature, responsible pokémon trainer, breeder, doctor, and expert of the rock-type. Vastly intelligent compared to the majority of the Kantonian gym leaders, Brock would make an ideal conversational partner for anyone interested in pokémon knowledge … assuming an attractive woman is not also present. If that’s the case, then Brock may still provide some level of entertainment if the attractive older woman happens to be your misanthropic, black-belt older sister.

Misty
The Tomboyish Mermaid
Type: Water
Positon: Second Badge—Cascade
Entry: This young woman will bring boys of questionable virtue to your front yard because she has decided it’s the most romantic spot in Kanto, and you’re going to let her because she has a starmie and a temper, and you don’t have a death wish.

Lt. Surge
The Lightning American
Type: Electric
Positon: Third Badge—Thunder
Entry: A former officer of the U.S. Army, a specialist in electrical attacks, and a bodybuilder who can benchpress a car and snap the average pokémonologist’s body in half. That having been said, the writer would like to emphasize that this man is an upstanding citizen and a saint, and there is absolutely nothing funny about him whatsoever.

Erika
The Nature-Loving Princess
Type: Grass
Positon: Fourth Badge—Rainbow
Entry: The daughter of a former kimono girl and an expert in grass-type pokémon, Erika is well-versed in Japanese traditions (including those of traditional flower dancing and flower arranging), wise, elegant, and the epitome of grace and politeness … all according to the writer’s mother, who frequently tells him that she finds it utterly fascinating that the children of everyone else in her former troupe has gotten married and had children except the ones who moved to Kanto.

Koga
The Poisonous Ninja Master
Type: Poison
Position: Fifth Badge—Soul
Entry: Koga’s ninjitsu skills, as well as mastery of poison-type pokémon, are unrivaled and come as a result of decades of intense ninja training. It is entirely possible to learn all about this upon waking up in the hospital three days after a casual conversation with his daughter, Janine.

Sabrina
The Mistress of Psychic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Positon: Sixth Badge—Marsh
Entry: A young but powerful psychic, Sabrina is gifted with all manners of abilities, including telepathy, precognition, and telekinesis. Due to a combination of these gifts, she also possesses the ability to hold psychic conversations with psychic pokémon, an ability she relishes during League summits, when she holds lengthy conversations with your kadabra about what is apparently your death—a subject that she assures you is far in the future but nonetheless arouses fits of laughter from both parties for reasons you neither currently understand nor would probably never want to understand.

Blaine
The Hotheaded Quiz Master
Type: Fire
Positon: Seventh Badge—Volcano
Entry: A brilliant former geneticist and master of the fire type. In truth, despite the fact that the writer is more interested in holding a conversation with Blaine than with any other Kantonian gym leader, yours truly knows very little about this man. Why? Because evidently, the writer’s father owes Blaine a hefty amount of money over a very long story involving a bet about ditto and a pub quiz, and Blaine stresses the importance of this by summoning his magmar to use Fire Blast at the very mention of the writer’s last name.

All known pokemon revived from fossils are at least partly rock type. What are the prevailing theories as to why this is and which do you most agree with?

There are actually two prevailing theories at the moment, anon:

1. Although studies have shown that steel-type pokémon are sturdier, rock-types are quite famous for their ability to withstand an incredible amount of weathering. Considering the fact that kabuto still exist, it is therefore generally thought by the supporters of the Type Theory that the ancient pokémon we know today were all rock-types, and they were such because of specific conditions—such as, perhaps, more extreme weather—that forced them to adapt rock-based features in order to withstand their environment. This is certainly true for the kabuto, which has only survived for this long purely because its rock shell deters predators and because that same rock shell weighs just enough to force a kabuto to develop a level of hardiness not present in non-rock-types.

2. The second theory assumes that not all fossil pokémon were rock-types. For example, there are theories that state that tirtouga and carracosta were never actually rock-types but rather pure water pokémon. Likewise, amaura might have been purely ice or ice/dragon, shieldon might have simply been steel or steel/ground, and so forth. However, during the most common fossilization process for pokémon, gaps of gas or liquid throughout an organism’s body is filled with mineral-rich water that is then compressed and settled, forming rock. As the fossil resurrection process is still new, it is often thought that the pokémon born from this technique are not accurate representations of their ancient counterparts but instead half their original species and half the rock that had encased them. The fact that the half-rock kabuto still exists is purely coincidental.

As for which theory I support, I tend to lean more towards the latter than the former. In most regions, the fossil resurrection process is not done via cloning, as one would assume, but rather via organic conversion—or, in layman’s terms, the pokémon is put back together via a machine. Which, from my own extremely scientific standpoint (and certainly not experience, of course), is a process that I can safely say not everyone can get completely right.

I think the scientific community at large has a right to know your clinical scientific opinion of wigglytuff acid rock bands in the 60s. For science.

On the surface, the inclusion of any pokémon is a fantastic idea. Most tamed (or trained) pokémon enjoy participating in activities with their human companions, even activities as removed from battling as making music, and allowing pokémon to engage in these activities has been proven to be beneficial for both the mental and physical state of the pokémon and trainer alike. The 60s and 70s especially were a fantastic era for this, as musicians began experimenting with not only styles but also instruments and musical technology to produce some of the most fascinating sounds of the last century. I myself can wholeheartedly recommend quite a few artists in this genre, including Rawst Berry Alarm Clock, the Grateful Duskull, and even more modern groups such as the Smashing Pumkin Berries.

However, as much as I appreciate the creativity and artistry many of these bands put into their work, many others have made highly questionable decisions for the sake of their craft. For example, there was the infamous Liverpool Wigglytuff Perish Song Incident of ‘69, which, as many fans of Castelia Fly know, resulted in the deaths of 24 roadies, 57 fans, 6 security personnel, the entirety of the Castelia Fly’s headliner band, and 2 nearby hot dog vendors, as well as the physical and psychological injuries of 137 others. In short, while there is plenty of evidence that supports making music with your pokémon, always do so responsibly.

Wait, Bill, I thought I remembered hearing something about a Chatot-led metal group. Opinions? Better or worse than TOGEPIMETAL? Also would a Chatot make a suitable companion for a Viking going into battle?

Ah yes. You must be speaking of Rashbeak! Quite frankly, I’m entertained by them. Pokémon in musical acts are nothing new, but very rarely is one allowed to be the singer. On the other hand, given the number of incidents involving wigglytuff acid rock bands in the 60s, I suppose it’s perfectly understandable.

As for whether or not Rashbeak is better or worse than TOGEPIMETAL, I admit I lean more towards TOGEPIMETAL. The idea of an all-lass death metal band amuses me, I admit.

Finally, concerning your question about Vikings and chatot, absolutely. I have also been told clefairy are suitable companions as well. They are, after all, known within certain folklore as “fearsome and almighty dragon-eaters.”