Tirtouga and Carracosta

Tirtouga
The Prototurtle Pokémon
Type: Water/Rock
Official Registration #: 564
Entry: A two-foot-tall Protostega pokémon. The presence of tirtouga and other ancient marine pokémon throughout Unova (and, for that matter, its home nation of the United States) indicate that there had once been vast seas taking up the majority of the continent. However, thanks to the receding water levels, tirtouga from the interior seas died out completely, while those that called the present-day coastlines home eventually made way for modern-day turtle species such as the squirtle line. Many Unovans have pointed out that all of their discovered fossil species are therefore the ancestors of modern pokémon. Because this is true, some casual pokémon fans in Unova like to jokingly imply that this indicates a lack of variety among Unova’s faunal species, whereas some casual pokémonologists like to jokingly respond with the idea that it’s a shame tirtouga’s habitat is no longer submerged in the ocean.

Carracosta
The Prototurtle Pokémon
Type: Water/Rock
Official Registration #: 565
Entry: The evolved form of tirtouga, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon, carracosta uses its front flippers not only for swimming but also for attacking, and it is generally known that a single slap from this pokémon’s flipper can rip a hole in the side of a tanker. Of course, given the fact that tankers did not exist when carracosta inhabited the seas, one should ask why the scientific community chose that oddly specific example to gauge its strength—or, better yet, how we know that it can rip a hole in the side of a tanker—to which this writer responds with science.

Archen and Archeops

Archen
The First Bird Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 566
Entry: A two-foot-tall Archaeopteryx pokémon. Although incapable of flying, this feathered pokémon once hopped from treetop to treetop in the ancient Unovan forests in order to forage for food. Remarkably, recent evidence has linked archen to all bird pokémon, meaning every bird pokémon in existence is really descended from this mighty, dinosaur-like creature. Every bird pokémon, that is, from the mighty braviary to the somewhat less mighty psyduck.

Archeops
The First Bird Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 567
Entry: The evolved form of archen, by battle experience. While these fast predatory pokémon were capable of flight, they much preferred chasing after prey on foot in large groups. Evidence suggests that these were vastly intelligent pokémon capable of coordinating well enough to take down prey much larger and stronger than any individual archeops. Thus, it is even more astounding that for all its cunning and swiftness, we refer to its modern-day counterparts as “birbs” and make memes out of them.

Shieldon and Bastiodon

Shieldon
The Shield Pokémon
Type: Rock/Steel
Official Registration #: 410
Entry: A two-foot-tall pokémon that strongly resembles the Protoceratops. Like cranidos, shieldon inhabited the jungles of Sinnoh over 100 million years ago. Also like cranidos, shieldon had a habit of assaulting the plant life of the Sinnohan jungles, only rather than headbutt trees, it preferred to rub its face against the rough bark in order to toughen the iron-like hide that covered its face. In short, between the cranidos and shieldon, the jungles of Sinnoh barely stood a chance.

Bastiodon
The Shield Pokémon
Type: Rock/Steel
Official Registration #: 411
Entry: The evolved form of shieldon, by battle experience. After evolution, bastiodon’s facial plates harden to the point where it can resist virtually any frontal attack. This allowed the normally docile bastiodon and its shieldon young to graze in peace. Should anyone wonder why those two statements should be related, one only needs to remember that bastiodon thrived during the exact same era as the “charge forward without any intent whatsoever of changing course for any reason” rampardos.

Cranidos and Rampardos

Cranidos
The Head Butt Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 408
Entry: A three-foot-tall pokémon that strongly resembles the Pachycephalosaurus. Cranidos once lived in the ancient jungles that once spanned the Sinnoh region, where it would harden the iron-hard plates in its skull by headbutting palm trees. It is said that the climate shifts that the region had experienced millions of years ago were due in part to herds of cranidos cutting down swaths of trees purely by accident using this training method. This, as to be expected, very likely did not do wonders for the creature’s brain.

Rampardos
The Head Butt Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 409
Entry: The evolved form of cranidos, by battle experience. Rampardos’s skull continues to harden after evolution until it reaches a foot thick. On the positive side, this means that blows to the head hardly faze this pokémon, which it uses to its great advantage in its battling style. On the negative side, as to be expected, the thickening skull leaves very little room for its brain, which means that this pokémon was very likely the least intelligent creature to roam the Sinnohan jungles. Further evidence of this lies in the state of petrified trees in the vicinity of rampardos fossils: the fact that vast numbers of trees were ripped in half, rather than uprooted suggest that rampardos’s average hunting methods involved barreling directly into trees, rather than working their ways around them.

Bidoof and Bibarel

Bidoof
The Plump Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 399
Entry: A two-foot-tall rodent-like pokémon common to the Sinnoh region. Although it looks cute, unassuming, and dim-witted, bidoof are actually among the most destructive and dangerous beginner-level rodent pokémon in existence, even more so than its cousin the rattata. The reason why is that while rattata are quick to flee from danger and while many rattata forage alone, bidoof are tenacious, brave, and prone to forming large foraging groups. Therefore, whereas a rattata can be scared away by the presence of a trained machamp, a bidoof will merely tilt its head, emit a rallying cry, and charge forward with hundreds of its fluffy, biting brethren in tow. Needless to say, trainers would be wise to take caution around the mighty bidoof.

Bibarel
The Beaver Pokémon
Type: Normal/Water
Official Registration #: 400
Entry: The evolved form of bidoof, by battle experience. While many other pokémon develop a longing for wandering or expanding their territories upon evolution, bibarel becomes more domesticated. That is to say, rather than attempting to expand its territory, bibarel spends most of its efforts focusing on very specific points of rivers, where it builds giant dams where it will raise its young. These dams have been known to have huge ecological impacts. For most humans, they become a blessing, as in building the dam, the bibarel may create a natural reservoir or divert a river to a village in dire need of water. However, it should be noted that bibarel are largely oblivious to any damage their actions may cause, and they still retain their tendency to congregate in large groups from their time as bidoof. As such, in very certain cases, large numbers of bibarel have been known to singlehandedly flood entire Sinnohean towns without even realizing it.

Stunfisk

Stunfisk
The Trap Pokémon
Type: Ground/Electric
Official Registration #: 618
Entry: A sizable flounder-like pokémon known to hide in the muddy expanses of marshlands and heaths. Blending in with the ground, stunfisk is virtually undetectable until it’s stepped on, at which point it delivers a strong electric shock directly into its victim. Why it does this is still a mystery to behaviorists, particularly given the fact that a stunfisk’s body has been found to be durable enough to withstand hundreds of pounds of pressure. The only real clue scientists have for the answer to this mystery lies in the fact that stunfisk smiles with extreme pleasure as it delivers electric shocks … a fact that has dampened quite a few scientists’ curiosities, to be completely frank.

Chatot

Chatot
The Music Note Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 441
Entry: A highly intelligent parrot-like pokémon capable of mimicking human speech. Because of this unique ability, many people like to catch them, teach them adorable phrases and tricks, and keep them as pets. Or, in the case of trainers like the Sinnoh storage system administrator, catch six of them, teach them to sing Tom Jones’s “What’s New Pussycat” in rounds, and replace every alarm clock in your house with this team of six chatot when you have company in order to dissuade your closest colleagues from ever visiting your home again.

Furfrou

Furfrou
The Poodle Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 676
Entry: A regal, dog-like pokémon traditionally given to Kalosean royalty as guardians. Because of both this and their easy-to-style coarse fur, furfrou have been both status symbols and fashion icons in the region since the eighteenth century. Perhaps to quell any possible guilt one may have for styling furfrou’s fur, it is commonly said among the Kalosean people that trimming a furfrou’s coat increases its swiftness. This is not necessarily true. While, yes, shaving a furfrou and relieving it of its thick, wild coat will help it to move its limbs and run unburdened, the issue is that a pokémon can only be so swift when the fur on its head has been shaped into a giant top hat.

Spiritomb

Spiritomb
The Forbidden Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Dark
Official Registration #: 442
Entry: This pokémon consists of dark spirits bound to a strange stone. According to Sinnoh legend, spiritomb specifically consists of 108 spirits condemned to spend an eternity bound together in the aforementioned stone for misdeeds they collectively committed over 500 years ago. It is said that strange things happen in the presence of spiritomb and that even today, in its bound state, it does everything it can to curse nearby humans and wreak general havoc. To be fair, though, spiritomb’s behavior is perfectly understandable. If the reader was cursed to spend an eternity trapped in a body with 107 people you couldn’t stand, you, too, would very likely be just a little upset about it.

Cryogonal

Cryogonal
The Crystallizing Pokémon
Type: Ice
Official Registration #: 615
Entry: A giant snowflake pokémon equipped with cryokinetic chains. This pokémon’s body is made of pure ice and is, therefore, susceptible to temperature changes. When its body temperature rises, cryogonal dissolves into steam and vanishes. When the ambient temperature drops, cryogonal returns to ice. What happens to cryogonal if a warm-blooded being inhales parts of it in its steam form is both unpleasant and best left to the imagination for the sake of good taste.