Delibird

Delibird
The Delivery Pokémon
Type: Ice/Flying
Official Registration #: 225
Entry: A short, penguin-like pokémon known for keeping food in its tail and for its signature move, Present. Present is a volatile move, capable of both bestowing healing gifts on allies and inflicting explosive “blessings” on enemies. Because of this signature move, some Johtonian folktales involve delibird visiting children on winter nights to give them presents. According to such tales, the children who have behaved all year receive small toys or sweets, but the children who have misbehaved receive the explosive variety of Present. Interestingly enough, this is the least violent myth commonly told to small children about what would happen to them if they misbehave, which should tell one quite a bit about Johtonian children, Johtonian parenting techniques, or the excellence of non-Johtonian therapists. The author is not quite sure which.

Basculin

Basculin
The Hostile Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 550
Entry: Fish-like pokémon that come in two different forms. The basculin known as the “red-stripe” variety are far more aggressive and reckless than their counterparts and will launch itself at prey without thinking twice, whereas the “blue-stripe” variety is far more careful and calculating and has been known to coordinate attacks with scores of like-striped basculin. Despite this, the two varieties of basculin are essentially the same, complete with the same battling potential and the same movepools, yet red-striped basculin are notoriously incapable of getting along with blue-striped varieties and vice-versa. These facts have led many Unovan poets throughout the twentieth century to use basculin as metaphors for the human race, a trend that some say is questionably tasteful due to the fact that basculin are secondarily known for the fact that both varieties taste the same and go great with a little lemon, basil, and white wine.

Ditto

Ditto
The Transform Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 132
Entry: A blob-like pokémon capable of rearranging its entire cellular structure to become perfect mimics of other pokémon. Once transformed, a ditto is capable of not only looking and sounding like another pokémon but also battling like a perfect copy of its target. While this may sound like a godsend to most trainers—and, indeed, many breeders have found this level of mimicry incredibly useful in their lines of work—in actuality, it should be noted that a ditto in its natural state is actually quite vulnerable and can be beaten by anything faster than it, such as tyranitar, donphan, weedle, blissey…

Munchlax and Snorlax

Munchlax
The Big Eater Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 446
Entry: A cub pokémon known for its insatiable appetite. It is highly inadvisable to pick a munchlax up unless one is prepared, as despite the fact that its average height is only about two feet, its average weight is over 230 pounds. To be fair, most of this weight is not actually the munchlax itself but rather the vast quantities of food it stores within its shaggy fur throughout the hot and humid months. …Then again, considering the fact that these pokémon often forget about these stores of food for months on end, it may be more advisable to avoid coming into physical contact with a munchlax altogether.

Snorlax
The Sleeping Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 143
Entry: The evolved form of munchlax, via happiness. Snorlax is notoriously a difficult pokémon to train. This is a fact not so much because of its sheer strength or because of its unparalleled laziness but instead because of the fact that it eats over 880 pounds of food per day and begins sleeping immediately after each meal. Many snorlax follow a strict schedule when it comes to these meals, as the species also requires at least twelve to eighteen hours of sleep per day. Yet despite the fact that it is almost impossible to train due to the fact that most of its day is spent either sleeping or eating, its bulky body give it impressive defenses—which, combined with its arsenal of devastating attacks—make it a natural battler. In other words, despite spending most of its time doing anything productive, it excels without needing practice or training, much like that roommate everyone has at least once in college.

Hey Bill, do you have anything on the Wobbuffet line? Mine’s been acting up recently and addressing the blue part doesn’t seem to be working. Is the brain in the tail like the conspiracy theorist say?

Well. I admit I’m not entirely certain how best to advise you here, as “acting up” for a wobbuffet can mean a wide variety of things, ranging from its usual lethargy to mating season. Does your wobbuffet sway back and forth and emit cries that sound eerily like Tom Jones’s “It’s Not Unusual”? If not, then at the very least, we can rule out mating season. Otherwise:

Wynaut
The Bright Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 360
Entry: A small, doll-like pokémon best known for three things: its constant smile, its habit of pushing up against solid objects and other wynaut in order to build strength, and its adoration of sweet fruit. The term “bright” pokémon is additionally a bit misleading. To put it in brief, the other thing wynaut is known for is its cry; to people of certain languages, it sounds like a phrase that can be translated into, “Really?”—which in turn has been interpreted as the concept of questioning and meditating on all that is. That, combined with its perpetual smile, its penchant for expressing “affection,” and all the other aforementioned traits, have led certain cultures to view this pokémon as a philosophical ideal—and thus, the incarnation of a vastly sage guru. In truth, wynaut are not particularly bright pokémon at all. Rather, because of their love for sweet fruits, they have a tendency to consume vast quantities of overripe and fermenting berries, and thus, their serene, sage-like behavior is better attributed to a state of perpetual drunkenness.

Wobbuffet
The Patient Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 202
Entry: The evolved form of wynaut, via battle experience. The blue portion of wobbuffet’s body, while containing a brain and several vital organs, is actually mostly hollow, balloon-like, and highly resistant to damage. (It is, in fact, quite true that the brain of a wobbuffet is actually located in its nerve-packed tail.) Wobbuffet use this to their advantage, as their entire battle strategy involves inflating their blue, balloon-like bodies, taking hits, and retaliating with psi blasts equal to double the amount of damage they endure. As wobbuffet are docile and will refuse to attack unless their opponent attacks first and as wobbuffet’s primary ability prevents them from leaving a battle once it begins, two wobbuffet facing off against one another will tenaciously stand and wait until their opponent passes out from starvation. It is for this reason that trainers who keep wobbuffet should be warned that intentionally attempting to battle another trainer’s wobbuffet is an easy and fantastic way to lose your trainer’s license.

Aerodactyl

Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142
Entry: A ferocious, pterosaur-like pokémon that once ruled the skies of ancient Kanto. Aerodactyl is noteworthy in that it helped establish many practices used in modern paleo-pokémon ethology, which itself is an extremely specific but fascinating field. Much of what goes into paleo-pokémon ethology is guesswork, really. For example, when one sees a set of serrated teeth such as those of aerodactyl, one can safely assume that this pokémon used them for cutting into meat. When one sees wings and claws, one can assume that the pokémon in question was an aerial hunter. Of course, this method of hypothesizing and assuming behaviors based on physical traits of fossilized remains is not infallible. For another example, it was once assumed that aerodactyl was a vicious, fearless hunter, but recent resurrections of specimens using fossil revival technology has proven that aerodactyl are more like very large, very confused, very vocal parakeets.

Kabuto and Kabutops

Kabuto
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 140
Entry: A prehistoric horseshoe crab pokémon that once dwelled in the shallow Kantonian seas. Unlike many other “fossil pokémon,” kabuto are not technically extinct. Rather, they are extremely rare pokémon that currently dwell in hard-to-reach maritime caves along the coasts of Kanto, the Orange Islands, and the Sevii Islands. More curiously, they have undergone very little changes since they first appeared on this planet, and as such, they offer researchers many hints as to what the waters of ancient Kanto might have been like. For example, their rock-hard shells indicate the possibility of vicious predatory pokémon, and their short arms indicate either rockier terrain or higher water pressures … or simply a lack of things that needed to be reached with claws. Like buttons.

Kabutops
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 141
Entry: The evolved form of kabuto, via battle experience. Like its pre-evolved form, kabutops is an extinct horseshoe crab pokémon that has offered paleo-pokémonologists a wealth of insight into the ancient world of pokémon. For one, it has evolved from being a primarily water-dwelling pokémon to one that hunts primarily on land, and this gradual adaptive process has allowed scientists to estimate when life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents. Moreover, its sleek form designed for rapid swimming, sharp scythes designed for quick killing, and mouthparts designed for tearing into flesh and draining prey of its bodily fluids in seconds offer scientists insight into why life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents.

Hi Bill, I am really enjoying reading all your research! I was wondering if you had any notes about the Kantonese fossil pokemon?

Thank you!

I admit I have extensive research on those pokémon in particular, but I’ll do my best to summarize the most fascinating parts over the next few days, beginning with:

Omanyte
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 138
Entry: A prehistoric nautilus pokémon that once dwelled in the warm Kantonian oceans. Among paleo-pokémonologists, omanyte is significant in that it helps us to identify geologic periods. Their tightly spiraled, chambered shells make them fantastically easy to identify on site, and their lifespans on this planet are well-documented as being short, enabling fast and reliable dating of a rock strata. Little is known about its actual life, although its appearance within the fossil bed offer clues. It is said that omanyte flourished roughly around the Devonian period, when seas were at ideal conditions to support the evolution of marine life, and thus, omanyte adapted rapidly to the warm, briny environment. However, it is also said that although omanyte populations were hardy and tenacious during this time period, they disappeared abruptly off the face of the planet at the end of the Cretaceous period … likely due to the fact that no amount of hardiness or prolific breeding will protect a pokémon from drastic climate changes or meteors when they lay their young exactly where they’re most likely to die from exposure.

Omastar
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 139
Entry: The evolved form of omanyte, by battle experience. Omastar possessed sharp beaks and spikes, rock-hard shells, and a plethora of strong tentacles, making it essentially a predator consisting entirely of weapons. One would think that omastar would have been an apex predator that could survive the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, but two things prevented it from doing so. First, as its pre-evolved form was more vulnerable and its eggs even more so, it eventually reached a point where the species had nothing to evolve from. Second and even more ridiculous (yet still very likely), omastar had somehow managed to adaptively evolve shells so heavy that many would find a way to crush themselves to death before they could mate.

So, Bill. Is there a Foongus Amoongus?

There may be!

Foongus
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 590
Entry: A small, mushroom-like pokémon known for the fact that its cap strongly resembles a pokéball, especially when the rest of its body is concealed by tall grass. According to the official pokédex, the reason for this pattern is unknown. However, given that foongus are capable of learning Spore and Giga Drain, that their natural ability involves releasing toxic spores upon contact, and that their caps are the approximate size, shape, and coloring of an object human trainers would be most likely to pick up, this writer can say without a doubt that the reasoning behind this coloring is an absolute mystery that the scientific community may just never solve.

Amoonguss
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 591
Entry: The evolved form of foongus, by battle experience. Upon evolution, amoonguss grow to be about two feet tall in height, and its cap expands proportionally. This makes its poké ball-like coloring less effective, even in the cover of tall grass, and as an added defiance of subtlety, it increases its own visibility by shaking its arms—both terminating in buds the size, shape, and color of its original head as a foongus—wildly in front of it. In theory, this is to attract attention to its arms and lure in prey with hypnotic motions. Also in theory, human beings have evolved a level of awareness and wisdom that would prevent such a tactic from working on us. In practice, however, this exact strategy is to blame for over 60% of all human hospitalizations in the vicinity of Unova’s Victory Road on an annual basis.

Kangaskhan

Well. Now that that bit of unpleasantness has been cleared up, let’s continue with a pokémon that this writer has recently been reminded of for reasons that have nothing to do with the last actual entry.

Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115
Entry: A kangaroo-like pokémon consisting of a mother creature and a separate, smaller baby, known within the pokémonology field as a “joey.” Much of the mother pokémon’s life revolves around caring for and violently defending her young, which she always carries in her front pouch. Curiously, this changes upon mega evolution, at which point the joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.