Hello, I would like to request a report on the Pokemon Missingno. says with a straight face

Hmm. Missingno. That’s an unusual request.

Let me see. Surely I have a file on that.

Ah! Here we are!

Missingno.
The ̋?̂?̉?̄ ͒ Pokémon
Type: B̫i̤r͓d̳/Normal
Official Registration #: 0̷
Entry: A mysterious entity said to live off the coastlines of Cinnabar and Seafoam Islands. Not much is known about it, save for its unusual properties. Scientists in the area have noted that at a distance of Z̷ゥ̸4̶ meters from shore, instruments begin malfunctioning. It has been determined that this comes as a result of missingno., which gives off ゥ̴’̶B̷’̴d̴ ẉ̶̡͕̦̻̦̞̰͈͆̔̈́̈́͛͑̊͘͝ą̸̢͙̠̣̳̯͕̫̀́̇͊́̐̎̋͝

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9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999

Growlithe and Arcanine

Growlithe
The Puppy Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 58
Entry: An extremely loyal dog-like pokémon, growlithe is eager to execute any order to the best of its ability, and when not given an order, it tends to remain perfectly still. Yet at the same time, when ordered to guard a home or valuables, it will bark and bite at anything that is not its trainer, even if that anything is another human being. If the reader believes that these two states are not contradictory, then one has not watched a growlithe happily stand by and watch their owner get robbed on the streets of Goldenrod City because it has not been ordered to attack.

Arcanine
The Legendary Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 59
Entry: The evolved form of growlithe, by exposure to fire stone. In China, arcanine are widely regarded as legendary pokémon. Given the commonness of growlithe and the fact that arcanine is not regarded so highly anywhere else in the world, you would think this would result in major debates across the planet concerning religion, culture, and the definition of “legendary pokémon,” but somehow, the human race has gotten along just fine without talking about it.

Spearow and Fearow

Spearow
The Tiny Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 21
Entry: Much like many other bird pokémon, spearow travel in large flocks which hunt and defend sizable amounts of territory in unison. Also like other birds, it is known for its ability to fly at high speeds, which allows it and the rest of its flock to descend on its prey in seconds. However, unlike many other birds, spearow possess small wings that it must flap at high speeds in order to stay airborne, a fact which renders it inept at flying at high altitudes or over long distances. Thus, spearow is a creature that finds itself inadequate at the one thing most other creatures like itself excel at to the point of making that thing be a major component of their existence … which is why this writer and his unfortunate lack of battling aptitude in a world that relies on battling feels a sense of empathy for the spearow.

Fearow
The Beak Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 22
Entry: The evolved form of spearow, by battle experience. Unlike their pre-evolved forms, fearow possess broad wings and an incredible amount of stamina, which enable them to fly for long distances without needing a break. They are also adept at hunting, including swooping onto prey and ascending back to an appropriate altitude for flight in a matter of seconds. All of these skills are fantastic for the fearow and considerably more inconvenient for prey, such as you, if you happen to be trapped in the form of a rattata. …You know. Just as an off-hand example.

Vulpix and Ninetales

Vulpix
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 37
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon known for its beautiful tails, of which it has six when fully grown. While young, this pokémon’s fire abilities are mediocre at best, and its strongest move, Fire Blast, is roughly as potent as a charmeleon’s Flamethrower. However, in rare cases, vulpix may be born with the passive ability Drought, which allows it to subconsciously call down intense sunlight to strengthen any fire-type move used in its presence. Incidentally, this small, fox-like creature shares the aforementioned ability with the legendary behemoth of the earth, Groudon, a beast known for nearly destroying the world beneath the unrelenting sunlight it called forth. …Which is to say that the pokémon world is a bizarre and terrifying thing sometimes.

Ninetales
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 38
Entry: The evolved form of vulpix, via exposure to fire stone. The legend that a ninetales will lay a thousand-year curse on you if you touch one of its tails is exactly that: a legend and therefore not true. What is true, however, is the fact that ninetales are generally sensitive about their tails and will set you on fire if you so much as accidentally brush up against one.

The Meowth Line

Meowth
The Scratch Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 52
Entry: A small, nocturnal, cat-like pokémon with an affinity for shiny, round objects. Ancient civilizations within the Orange and Sevii Islands worshipped meowth as a deity due to its association with cat-like god of the home, harvest, and wealth. This may seem curious unless one does further digging to the actual origins of the cat deity to find that it had originally been a god of the hunt, judgment, and executions, which is more in line with meowth’s carnivorous diet and vicious hunting methods. While the reason behind the switch is still a mystery to scholars, there are two noteworthy theories. First, the god was also the symbol of the Orange and Seviian royal bloodlines, which may have sought the god’s blessing when it came to siring new and prosperous heirs. Second and more likely, it’s more profitable to run a temple dedicated to childbearing and all the things that come before it than executions, and the pokémon that can understand human speech and use Pay Day when it’s pleased with your temple generally agrees.

Persian
The Classy Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 53
Entry: The evolved form of meowth, by battle experience. Evolution graces this pokémon with an immense amount of sophisticated beauty, including silken, golden fur, a sleek body, and the agility of a panther. Unfortunately, evolution has also granted the persian species a streak of fickle meanness, a set of sharp claws, and the expectation that it will continue to be worshipped like a god. In light of all this, it becomes rather understandable that the ancient peoples of the Orange and Sevii Islands originally conceived of a persian-like god of execution and the throne.

Rotom

Rotom
The Plasma Pokémon
Type: Electric/Ghost
Official Registration #: 479
Entry: While its natural form is a foot-tall ball of pure plasma, the intangibility of its body as well as its natural affinity to electricity make it a volatile research subject. It has been known to enter and control elec̜țr̢ọṇḭc͜ d̶e̴v̶i̴c̴e̶s̴,̸ ̷r̷̼͑ẻ̷͔s̶̙̋u̸̧͝ḷ̸͆t̵̞̓i̶̲̚n̶̬̔g̷̬̊ ̷̞̀ȉ̶̪ǹ̷̟ ̶͇̐ê̶͎r̸̗̍r̶̢̓o̵̤͒r̵̫͛s̶͎̅ ̵̥̚o̴͉͒f̷̯̈ ̷͚͒á̶̢n̵͕̓ ̵̟̀u̷͉̕n̷̫͌u̵̪͘s̶͙̅û̷̦a̵͙͠ḻ̷̓ ̴̯̒n̸͙̂ä̶̜́�̷̱̍�̸̦͌�̴͍͗�̷̹͗�̴̘̔�̴̼͠ *:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

Hey Bill, can we get your very important scientific perspective on TOGEPIMET- that is, on the Togepi line?

Ah, yes, the togepi line. Quite a fascinating one, actually!

Togepi
The Spike Ball Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 175
Entry: A foot-tall, egg-like pokémon that possesses very little in the way of offensive, defensive, or—for that matter—any battling abilities. In fact, it is said that shell of this egg-like pokémon stores joy and happiness and that this egg-like pokémon’s main ability is spreading peace and love wherever it goes. You are, in short, battling the most baby-like of all pokémon, and it would be most advisable to rethink your life decisions if you find yourself in this situation. You monster.

Togetic
The Happiness Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 176
Entry: The evolved form of togepi, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. True to its defined species, togetic is a small, bird-like creature best known for its ability to spread happiness and luck to kind-hearted people. Conversely, it grows depressed and lethargic when exposed to the arrogant, selfish, and immature for long periods of time. Thus, while togetic is traditionally considered to be a symbol of fortune and prosperity to the people of its native Johto, in more modern times, it has also become the symbol of people with questionable taste in men. Such as this writer’s older sister.

Togekiss
The Jubilee Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 468
Entry: The evolved form of togetic, by exposure to shiny stone. A large, bird-like creature that flies from region to region on a pair of great, pure-white wings. It prefers to migrate to peaceful regions, to shower the people living there with blessings of prosperity and peace as a reward for their efforts to love and respect one another. However, if it crosses a war-torn country, it is known for spreading peace, happiness, and justice by delivering unto any authority figure it finds the most violent uses of Sweet Kiss and Fairy Wind observed in the pokémon kingdom. In short, this writer wholeheartedly approves of togekiss’s political platform and is more than ready to vote for togekiss in the next general election.

Kanto Legendaries, Part II

Mewtwo
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 150
Entry: According to conspiracy theorists, a shady organization attempted to create the ultimate weapon by combining the DNA of Mew with several other pokémon and subjecting the result to torturous training methods. The writer, of course, cannot confirm nor deny that this is true, as technically, he is not supposed to know all of this. The only reason why he does is because he gave a certain amount of bitcoin to certain people who own certain deep web websites for the sake of science, and the only reason why he is publishing all of this is, frankly, because being targeted by shady underground organizations sounds like a far better way to spend a weekend than by going to the Pokémon League’s annual formal gala aboard the S.S. Anne.

Mew
The New Species Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 151
Entry: A godlike feline pokémon said to inhabit the mountains of South America. According to legend, Mew wields incredible powers, including psychokinesis, invisiblity, and the ability to learn hundreds of moves. Scientists, in an attempt to explain the latter, have mapped out Mew’s genetic code based on a sample taken from a fossil, and in doing so, they have found that Mew shares a varying percentage of DNA with every pokémon in existence. This last fact becomes less impressive, however, when one stops to realize first that this in no way explains how Mew can learn hundreds of different moves … and second that humans share 50% of their DNA with nanab berries, so it seems rather moot anyway.

Kanto Legendaries, Part I

Articuno
The Freeze Pokémon
Type: Ice/Flying
Official Registration #: 144
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of ice and winter winds. According to legend, Articuno appears before lost travelers on snowy mountains to guide them to safety. Other legends refer to its ability to conjure strong blizzards and freeze entire bodies of water with each flap of its translucent wings. And still others have put two and two together and come up with the fact that it’s rather suspicious that you have a bird who can conjure blizzards by flapping its wings appearing before travelers who are lost on icy mountains thanks to blizzards. But that is, as the saying goes, none of this writer’s business.

Zapdos
The Electric Pokémon
Type: Electric/Flying
Official Registration #: 145
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of lightning and thunderstorms. According to legend, Zapdos once lived in the mountains of eastern Kanto, where it called down the thunder to spark forest fires and bring about the spark of rebirth. Nowadays, it lives in the Cerulean Power Plant, and workers there are perfectly fine with this because who wants to be the one to tell the ornery embodiment of thunderstorms that it can’t roost wherever it merry well pleases?

Moltres
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 146
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of fire and spring zephyrs. According to Kantonian legend, Moltres flew on a pair of dazzling wings that conjured incredible bursts of flames with every flap. These same legends state that Moltres would dive into volcanoes and use lava to repair its injuries, that it could control blazing infernos, and that its mere presence can quell a raging blizzard. And meanwhile, in Kanto’s neighbor to the west, Johtonian legend states it flies south for the winter like a common swellow and comes back to make our crops grow. This may or may not be one of the many reasons why Kantonians are a little judgmental towards their western neighbors.

The Dratini Line

Dratini
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 147
Entry: A mythical pokémon found only in the most remote lakes of temperate regions. Although the most commonly sighted dratini are only up to three feet in length, the pokédex correctly states that the average height of this pokémon is roughly five feet and that it continuously gets bigger as it ages. The discrepancy has a lot to do with this pokémon’s behavior in relation to its size. Calmer, larger dratini tend to sink to the bottom of their lake homes because they spend most of their energy on shedding, rather than forcing their bulk to rise to the surface. Meanwhile, smaller, more curious dratini spend less energy swimming to shore and have more of an inclination to do so due to their interest in the number of oddly-shaped, multicolored creatures that seem very intent on catching them, and long story short, the average height of the species is maintained by the sheer power of natural selection.

Dragonair
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 148
Entry: The evolved form of dratini, by battle experience. All of the shedding and growth dratini does is for a reason: to generate the magical energy needed to form dragonair’s signature orbs. Each of these orbs carry enough mystical power that even a gentle pulse of magic from one of them can grant dragonair complete control over the weather at any given moment. This may seem like a rather liberal use of the word “magic” on a scientific blog, but to be fair, we live in a world where a three-foot-tall mouse can electrocute an elephant into submission.

Dragonite
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 149
Entry: The evolved form of dragonair, by battle experience. As dragonair grows, it continues to develop both its magical abilities and its stores of mystical energy so that when it finally evolves into dragonite after years of training, it takes on an incredibly powerful form equipped with both potent physical and magical strength as well as the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. Likewise, dragonite have the ability to understand human speech, and it frequently displays a kindhearted nature, particularly towards individuals who are pure in heart. Legend also claims that it occasionally takes children to a faraway island inhabited almost exclusively by dragonite, where magic truly exists and an evil witch seeks to disrupt the peace of the happy dragonite kingdom.

…The writer apologizes, as he seems to have been reading the plot to a children’s film. Let me try this again.

Entry: The evolved form of dragonair, by battle experience. As dragonair grows, it continues to develop both its magical abilities and its stores of mystical energy so that when it finally evolves into dragonite after years of training, it takes on an incredibly powerful form equipped with both potent physical and magical strength as well as the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. Likewise, dragonite have the ability to understand human speech, and it frequently displays a kindhearted nature, particularly towards individuals who are pure in heart. Legend also claims that it occasionally takes children to a faraway island inhabited almost exclusively by dragonite, where magic truly exists and wealthy tourists seek to disrupt the peace of the happy dragonite kingdom.