Zigzagoon and Linoone

Zigzagoon
The Tiny Raccoon Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 263
Entry: This small, raccoon-like pokémon possesses both an insatiable sense of curiosity and rough, barb-like hairs that stick to objects. As it wanders, it marks its territory by rubbing up against objects and shedding hairs, but if an object sticks to its body as a result, it brings these back to its nest to add to its collection. For some trainers, this can be a good thing, as zigzagoon will bring back objects that may be useful to their journey, such as stones or berries. For other trainers, this can be a bad thing, as zigzagoon will bring back objects that may be slightly less useful to their journey … such as other trainers’ badges and equipment.

Linoone
The Rushing Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 264
Entry: The evolved form of zigzagoon, by battle experience. Linoone charge at prey with overwhelming speeds, hoping to catch them off-guard. Unfortunately, despite its high speeds, linoone can only run in a straight line, which means they frequently miss their targets. One would think that it would be prudent to inform a linoone that if it turned, it may be slightly more successful, but to be frank, when a seventy-pound object with sharp claws and teeth is hurtling towards a person at sixty miles an hour, giving that object constructive criticism has the unfortunate tendency to be the last thing on their mind.

Spoink and Grumpig

Spoink
The Bounce Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 325
Entry: A small, pig-like pokémon native to mountainous regions. The pearl on its head, which is collected from regional clamperl, amplifies its telekinetic abilities greatly. Most spoink spend their entire lives searching for even better pearls … which is understandable, seeing as clamperl are obviously not native to spoink’s natural mountainous habitat. (How wild spoink managed to get their first pearls is both a mystery and a subject of pokémonological interest.)

Grumpig
The Manipulate Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 326
Entry: The evolved form of spoink, by battle experience. Grumpig control targets by channeling telekinetic forces through their black pearls and doing a hypnotic dance. The dance is so alluring, so irresistible, so inescapable that the moment a grumpig performs it on a single human, every other human in the area will flock to them and dance along with it. For this reason, the dance itself has become hugely popular overseas and is often performed at events, regardless of whether or not a grumpig is present for the festivities. This is especially so in Unova, where the dance is known by locals as the “Electric Slide.”

Torkoal

Torkoal
The Coal Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 324
Entry: This large, tortoise-like pokémon primarily lives in abandoned coal mines in warmer regions such as Hoenn. It constantly lumbers through shafts on the hunt for its primary food source, coal. When it finds a deposit, it immediately digs up the ore and stuffs it in the orifices in its shell, which then burns the coal for energy. If it builds up excess energy, senses danger, or is otherwise excited, torkoal will exhale clouds of sooty smoke and gas, which is one of two reasons why the mine shafts it lives in are typically much hotter than the surrounding mountain. (The other, of course, is the presence of volcanic vents and other fire-types.) Of course, seeing as coal is not remotely a clean energy source, this self-defense mechanism has rendered this pokémon as “problematic” to most environmentally conscious groups in existence today. It may also at least partly explain why, in torkoal’s native region of Hoenn, at least one extreme environmentalist group thought it would be a wondrous idea if we drowned the planet, while at least one other took into consideration how many pokémon in the region eat rocks and thought it would be an even better idea to turn it into a sunlit wasteland.

Cacnea and Cacturne

Cacnea
The Cactus Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 331
Entry: A large, cactus-like pokémon native to arid environments. Its round and plump body can store large reservoirs of water, which enable cacnea to survive the driest of deserts for up to thirty days. Knowing this, some early settlers to areas where cacnea may be found have tried to slice open and eat water-engorged cacnea, establishing the misconception that cacnea meat can stave off dehydration. In actuality, no part of a cacnea should be ingested if one is in dire need of water. Meat from the arms is often contained in smaller reservoirs within tougher, denser tissue, and if you do go through the effort of obtaining it, the resulting water is highly acidic and can lead to vomiting or worse. Meat from its main body, meanwhile, is a pokémon-based source of peyote, and ingesting it induces extremely vivid hallucinations … or worse. Cacnea, in other words, is not the quenchiest, no.

Cacturne
The Scarecrow Pokémon
Type: Grass/Dark
Official Registration #: 332
Entry: The evolved form of cacnea, by battle experience. During the day, these tall, cactus-like pokémon stand motionless in their native deserts. When the sun goes down and the desert cools, however, cacturne awaken and begin moving across the desert in search of prey. Interestingly enough, most cacturne eat birds—particularly any murkrow and vullaby that have, for whatever reason, settled in their desert territories—so cacturne is less of a scarecrow and more of an eatcrow. Or perhaps a killcrow. Devourcrow?

Have we mentioned the fact that you’re not allowed to name things? —LH

Surskit and Masquerain

Surskit
The Pond Skater Pokémon
Type: Bug/Water
Official Registration #: 283
Entry: The tips of this water strider-like pokémon’s feet are coated with an oil that assists in keeping surskit afloat. This trait works in combination with its long legs, which distributes the weight of its relatively light body in just the precise way to make it next to impossible for surskit to sink on its own. Consequently, no matter what it does—from hunting to sleeping to jetting along at full speed—so long as all four feet are spread out and in contact with just the surface of the water, surskit will be able to stay afloat. This, of course, makes surskit’s mating rituals some of the most scientifically interesting in Hoenn, seeing as surskit do this while floating as well.

Masquerain
The Eyeball Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 284
Entry: The evolved form of surskit, by battle experience. The second thing lanternfly-like pokémon is known for is its ability to hover and fly in any direction, thanks to its four wings. This enables masquerain to escape danger in any direction at great speeds. Of course, it hardly needs that skill, thanks to the first thing it’s known for: the giant eyespots on its specialized antennae, which give it the appearance of a menacing face. In dark or foggy conditions, this face can startle to death predators, prey, and most half-asleep researchers who came to study the mating rituals of their preevolved forms. (For science, of course.)

Something on Ho-oh please? :) I feel it is overshadowed by Lugia.

Well, I admit I was going to end Johto Week with an entry on both Lugia and Ho-oh, but how can I argue with this request?

(Besides, as the son of a kimono girl from a sect dedicated specifically to Ho-oh, I realize now that not dedicating a full entry to Ho-oh would be literally sacrilegious somehow.)

Bill … are you ever actually worried that Ho-oh will set you on fire for not worshipping it enough? —LH

Of course not. I’m well aware that as a human, I will likely be set on fire by Ho-oh either way. It’s just the principle of the matter. —Bill

All right then. —LH

Ho-oh
The Rainbow Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 250
Entry: The guardian of the heavens and reincarnation, according to Johtonian legend. Once the mentor to the Johtonian people (during its longest and period of peace and prosperity), Ho-oh roosted in the gilded sister tower of Lugia’s shrine, known today as Bell Tower. However, after Lugia became enraged at humanity’s violence and greed, it drew down the storm that burned Brass Tower to the ground, and Ho-oh, in its despair over the death and destruction caused by its fellow legendary and humankind, flew away to parts unknown on rainbow wings, leaving behind three beasts to act as its judges for the Johtonian people. It is said that Ho-oh will only return to Johto when it’s clear that humans and pokémon are capable of living in harmony, and thus, it is said that its subordinates, Raikou, Entei, and Suicune, are destined to wander the earth, observing us for the day when we become worthy of Ho-ohs presence once again. In other words, Ho-oh’s legend is one elaborate (but true) story about why none of us can’t have nice things.

Johto Legendaries, Part II

Lugia
The Diving Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Flying
Official Registration #: 249
Entry: The guardian of the sea, according to Johtonian legend. Also according to Johtonian legend, Lugia is the god of storms, and as such, even the slightest flutter of its wings can generate hurricanes so strong it can flatten entire villages, as well as rainstorms so persistent they last for forty days. Both are, of course, absolutely fantastic for a region that relied on the shipping and fishing industries up until fifty years ago. Thus, to ensure that they held Lugia’s favor (or, in other words, to ensure that they kept Lugia pleased so Lugia would avoid annihilating Johto’s fleets of fishing and merchant ships, as well as most of its coastal population), the Johtonians constructed one of the largest, tallest, and most ornate shrines dedicated to a legendary pokémon in existence. However, given the normal Johtonian disposition of fighting literally anything that moves and is not Johtonian, this ended just about as well as one would think it did.

Johto Legendaries, Part I

Raikou
The Thunder Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 243
Entry: According to Johtonian legend, an electric-type that had died in the burning of the Brass Tower was resurrected as the avatar of thunder and a representation of the lightning that had started the fire. It is said that this pokémon races across the land as part of its duty to watch over humanity for the day we will be worthy enough to be in the presence of Ho-oh again. In the meantime, as it races across the land, it releases devastating thunderbolts from the storm clouds on its back. This is actually a random occurrence tied to Johto’s naturally stormy weather, but local Johtonians like to think of it as its way of striking down the unworthy and purging the lands of sinners in the lightning-sparked flames of justice … which, honestly, is the least morbid part of our belief system.

Entei
The Volcano Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 244
Entry: According to Johtonian legend, a fire-type that had died in the burning of the Brass Tower was resurrected as the avatar of volcanoes and a representation of the flames that had engulfed the tower. It is said that this pokémon races across the land as part of its duty to watch over humanity for the day we will be worthy enough to be in the presence of Ho-oh again. It is also said that, as the avatar of volcanoes, every time it roars, a volcano erupts somewhere in the world. Luckily, this is not exactly true, as if it had been, then the world would have been engulfed in a volcanic apocalypse every time a certain friend of the Ecruteak gym leader’s made contact with the wrong legendary beast in his quest to become the chosen one of Suicune.

Suicune
The Aurora Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 245
Entry: According to Johtonian legend, a water-type that had died in the burning of the Brass Tower was resurrected as the avatar of the north winds and a representation of the rain that had put out the fire. It is said that this pokémon races across the land as part of its duty to watch over humanity for the day we will be worthy enough to be in the presence of Ho-oh again. It is also said that Suicune has the ability to control water, purify heavily polluted lakes and rivers, and create healing springs. Those who are not familiar with Johtonian legend may think this means Suicune is the least dangerous of the three beasts. Those who are familiar with Johtonian legend, however, realize exactly how much water is in the interior of the region and that “drown the unworthy” is just as favored a punishment among the legendaries as “burn them alive.”

Houndour and Houndoom

Houndour
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 228
Entry: A small, dog-like pokémon native to thick, dark forests. Interestingly, although this pokémon is part of the Johtonian Regional Pokédex, it was first discovered in Kanto and cannot, in truth, be found at all in Johto outside of the Johtonian Safari Zone Nature Preserve. The reason behind this discrepancy is actually quite simple. Houndour hunt in massive packs through the darkness of their native forests, where their pelts can blend in with forest shadows as they corner prey, and Kantonian researchers possess far stronger self-preservation instincts than their Johtonian counterparts.

Houndoom
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 229
Entry: The evolved form of houndour, by battle experience. This dog-like pokémon is capable of exhaling a jet of fire and a spray of incendiary, highly caustic, toxic chemicals at the same time. The effect of these two mechanisms in combination leaves not only second-degree thermal burns (at the minimum) but severe chemical burns as well. According to folklore, anyone unfortunate enough to receive these burns will never fully recover; the burn will essentially be painful forever. However, this is not necessarily true. With proper care, the pain will typically subside within a week, and the resulting scar will fade within a year. On the other hand, not necessarily true isn’t the same thing as entirely false. First, one must remember that centuries ago, back when people first began to think this about houndoom burns, treatments for burns that complex or severe didn’t exist. Second, psychological pain is never a thing that heals easily, and some survivors of houndoom attacks may acquire a fear of houndoom thereafter. Third, either way, being burned by a houndoom feels just about as delightful as being attacked by a swarm of angry magikarp, and based on personal experience alone, the author would not recommend it.

The Larvitar Line

Larvitar
The Rock Skin Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 246
Entry: A two-foot-tall, dinosaur-like pokémon native to mountainous regions. Although it’s true that larvitar are born underground and eat soil and rocks until they tunnel to the surface, the idea that they eat entire mountains before evolution is entirely false. It just feels as if they do, as larvitar are, on average, almost 160 pounds, and they have a tendency to leap at their unsuspecting trainers when overwhelmed with the need to shower them with affection via a tackling hug.

Pupitar
The Hard Shell Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 247
Entry: The evolved form of larvitar, by battle experience. During evolution, larvitar encase themselves in a cocoon of rock. This stone shell is as hard and solid as bedrock, so while it fully protects the larvitar inside from any damage, it also constricts its limb movements. However, this doesn’t mean it’s entirely immobile, as pupitar possesses vents all over its body, which allow the highly compressed gases it creates within itself to escape in the form of powerful jets. In fact, these jets can be so powerful that they can propel pupitar wherever it needs to be faster than a number of other pokémon. This is, of course, doubly unfortunate for its trainer, as not only can pupitar launch itself like a rocket in any direction, but it’s also a 335-pound tank of pure destruction … that still enjoys showering its trainers with affection by throwing itself at them.

Tyranitar
The Armor Pokémon
Type: Rock/Dark
Official Registration #: 248
Entry: The evolved form of pupitar, by battle experience. On the positive side, tyranitar do not shower their trainers with affection by throwing themselves at them. On the negative side, tyranitar are highly destructive and aggressive pokémon who possess the ability to flatten miles of forest in seconds and who are constantly on the lookout for new opponents to fight, and tamed tyranitar consider doing both of these things (committing incredible amounts of property damage and fighting literally anything it can find) to be perfectly acceptable methods of showing affection towards their trainers.