The Bagon Line

bills-pokedex:

Bagon
The Rock Head Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 371
Entry: A small, dragon-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. The most notable fact about this dragon-like pokémon is its passion for learning how to fly. Indeed, it believes it can fly. It believes it can touch the sky. It thinks about it every night and day: spreading its wings and flying away.

I don’t know what’s worse: the fact that you know that song in the first place or the fact that you’re not above quoting it in lieu of a proper entry. —LH

Shelgon
The Endurance Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 372
Entry: The evolved form of bagon, by battle experience. Shelgon is essentially the ultimate middle evolution. It represents the crossroads between the ever idealistic bagon with its dreams of flying and the high-flying salamence. However, in the process, shelgon is also literally a chrysalis, a stage in which a member of the bagon family slowly turns into a flight-capable pokémon, cell by cell. As such, shelgon possesses a hard, armor-like shell that fully protects it from any physical assault during its transformation. Although such a shell is rock-hard, it’s also extremely cumbersome, and because of this, most shelgon are slow and sluggish. This, of course, is a good thing—not because its slow pace allows it to focus on bracing for impact and more because it allows the average researcher to test exactly how durable this shell and then run away before enduring a Bite themselves.

Salamence
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 373
Entry: The evolved form of shelgon, by battle experience. Also: a large, dragon-like pokémon that is roughly the size and shape of a winged wailmer. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way this pokémon should be able to fly. Its wings are too awkwardly shaped to get its hefty body off the ground. The salamence, of course, flies anyway because it doesn’t care what humans think is impossible.

Okay, now you’re just being lazy. It’s not even a bee. —LH

To be fair, it’s a dragon-type, dragon-like pokémon the Symposium saw fit to call “the dragon pokémon.” I firmly believe I’m the least lazy person involved with distributing information about it. —Bill

Mega Salamence
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 373+
Entry: The advanced form of salamence, via salamencite. Pokédex entries about this pokémon’s viciousness are greatly exaggerated. While it’s very true that mega salamence descend from the skies at high speeds and that in doing so, it may slice an opponent in half, in reality, this has less to do with its temper or lust for violence and more to do with the fact that its new form is not, generally speaking, designed for steering.

Swablu and Altaria

bills-pokedex:

Swablu
The Cotton Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 333
Entry: A small, bluebird-like pokémon most commonly found in the mountains of Hoenn. This gentle pokémon is known for its highly friendly demeanor towards humans. When a human wanders into their territory, swablu like to swoop in and settle onto the human’s head like a hat made of down and soft, pillowy cotton. This specific behavior is likely due to the swablu’s preference for soft, pliable building materials for their nests, so therefore, it is said that if a swablu settles on you, then it deems you both trustworthy and comfortable. If, however, two swablu settle on you and proceed to lay eggs on your head, then they deem you extremely trustworthy and comfortable. Or at least this is what the author’s partner and editor assured him when he suddenly found himself with an entire team of swablu.

Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 334
Entry: The evolved form of swablu, by battle experience. This graceful pokémon is known for its singing ability and its soft, cloud-like wings. When bonding with its trainer, an altaria will envelope said trainer in its wings and sing a beautiful, soothing melody to lull them to sleep. Or, at least, scientists assume this is an act of bonding and that any unfortunate mishaps involving dense wings and songs that lull a human to sleep are entirely accidental. This is also something the author’s editor (or, rather, her sister) assures him whenever her altaria shows “displays of affection” and “excitement to see him.”

Mega Altaria
The Humming Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Fairy
Official Registration #: 334+
Entry: The advanced form of altaria, via altarianite. The mega evolution of altaria is noted for being far more sociable and vocal than its base form. It’s highly affectionate, and it often sings a soothing, melodic tone when it’s about to display affection towards a given target. This is handy for said target, by the way, should he wish to not be smothered to near death by a cloud of feathers from a very familiar altaria. Again.

Sandshrew and Sandslash

bills-pokedex:

Sandshrew
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 27
Entry: A pangolin-like pokémon native to dry grasslands and deserts. This pokémon possesses a rough, sandy hide capable of soaking up moisture from the dirt around it as it digs its burrows. Because of the consistency of its hide—along with its unique, sponge-like ability—sandshrew don’t need to drink much water and, in fact, shy away from it in all its forms as much as possible. Except, of course, in Alola, where sandshrew have adapted to become ice and steel types for reasons that surely make sense in a region that hosts plenty of other habitats a sandshrew can congregate in.

Sandslash
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 28
Entry: The evolved form of sandshrew, by battle experience. This pokémon is covered in sharp spikes, which are actually hardened sections of its hide. These spikes serve a largely defensive purpose: when threatened, a sandshrew will curl into a ball, forcing its spikes to stand on end and discourage physical attacks. In rare cases, a sandslash may be able to spin and move while in this position, thus crashing into enemies and obstacles. Such sandslash have also been noted to be faster, slightly bluer, and somehow “cooler” than other members of its species.

Sandshrew (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Ice/Steel
Official Registration #: 27
Entry: A shrew-like pokémon native to the snowy mountains of Alola’s Ula’ula Island. It’s known primarily for its icy, hard-as-steel carapace … and secondarily for the Alolan tradition of shoving this pokémon across icy fields to see who can send their sandshrew sliding the farthest. Alolans call this sport Extreme Curling; the rest of the world calls it pokémon cruelty.

Sandslash (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Ice/Steel
Official Registration #: 28
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan sandshrew, by exposure to ice stone. When this blue pokémon curls itself into a ball, its steel spikes point outward, which allow it to destroy anything in its path as it rolls down the icy slopes of its home at high speeds, and the author knows what you’re thinking, but for the last time, sandslash is a pangolin-like pokémon, not an alien hedgehog.

The Pidgey Line

{Short note of explanation: The following is a complete rewrite of the pidgey line’s pokédex entries, rather than simply an entry for mega pidgeot. This probably won’t be a common thing but rather just a thing that might happen from time to time with the least funny entries. Sorry! Carry on!}

Pidgey
The Tiny Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, extremely common bird-like pokémon native to Kanto. This pokémon is popular among younger trainers, not only for how easy it is to catch and train but also because humans apparently take delight in calling a nearly direct descendant of the majestic dinosaur pokémon “birb,” “smol boi,” and/or “four pounds of whoop-[EXPLETIVE].”

Pidgeotto
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. The crest on its head is a set of feathers that help stabilize this pokémon during high-speed flight. However, the author will not discourage anyone from assuming that they are “leafs” that pidgeotto “wears on its head to enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. The author can neither confirm nor deny whether or not this pokémon would sell its trainers to Giratina for one corn chip, but he can say it’s more likely for pidgeot to do it than honchkrow.

Mega Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18+
Entry: The advanced form of pidgeot, via pidgeotite. This bird-like pokémon keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone. You may think the author is quoting yet another bird-themed meme, but actually, no, that is a literal and scientifically accurate statement.

Sableye

bills-pokedex:

Sableye
The Darkness Pokémon
Type: Dark/Ghost
Official Registration #: 302
Entry: A small, imp-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. In the wild, this pokémon subsists entirely on the jewels and precious stones found in its native habitat. It consumes so many of these on a daily basis that parts of its body have crystalized into gem-like forms. This includes its eyes; at birth, wild sableye actually possess two completely organic eyeballs. It’s just that these eyes harden into a diamond-like substance over time. Domestically bred sableye, however, possess these diamond eyes from the start, due to the fact that trainers and breeders wishing to hatch sableye are extremely careful in maintaining a high mineral content not only in the parents’ diet but also in the incubator holding the egg. And this is done because wild newborn sableye typically look like this:

Mega Sableye
The Darkness Pokémon
Type: Dark/Ghost
Official Registration #: 302+
Entry: The advanced form of sableye, via sablenite. The surge of power from mega evolution causes this pokémon’s jewel to burst from its chest and expand to a size that’s both taller and ten times heavier than the host sableye, which enables it to be used as a shield (albeit one too heavy and unwieldy for the sableye to move).

The author admits that there is no punchline to this entry. He’s simply delighted to have another opportunity to share the above image with all of you again.

Mawile

bills-pokedex:

Mawile
The Deceiver Pokémon
Type: Steel/Fairy
Official Registration #: 303
Entry: A small, childlike pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. This pokémon is famous for its giant and fantastically strong set of false jaws growing from its head. Trainers should take caution: the front of this pokémon looks adorable, a fact that this pokémon uses to its advantage in order to lure in prey. When prey is close enough, it turns abruptly and chomps down on the unsuspecting victim with its false jaws. As for its strength, mawile is capable of biting through steel beams. Its false jaws, meanwhile, can do much worse.

Mega Mawile
The Deceiver Pokémon
Type: Steel/Fairy
Official Registration #: 303+
Entry: The advanced form of mawile, via mawilite. Should anyone wish to know why mawile grows a second false jaw upon mega evolution, the answer is simple: one is for gripping a victim with a bite force so strong escape becomes impossible, while the other is for viciously tearing said victim apart. Although, really, if you’ve attempted to physically assault a creature whose modus operandi in its base form is to lull a victim into a false sense of security with its cute face and then whip its single set of jaws at them, then at the risk of being thoroughly unprofessional, what it does with two sets of jaws should hardly be a surprise.

The Meowth Line

bills-pokedex:

Meowth
The Scratch Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 52
Entry: A small, nocturnal, cat-like pokémon with an affinity for shiny, round objects. Ancient civilizations within the Orange and Sevii Islands worshipped meowth as a deity due to its association with cat-like god of the home, harvest, and wealth. This may seem curious unless one does further digging to the actual origins of the cat deity to find that it had originally been a god of the hunt, judgment, and executions, which is more in line with meowth’s carnivorous diet and vicious hunting methods. While the reason behind the switch is still a mystery to scholars, there are two noteworthy theories. First, the god was also the symbol of the Orange and Seviian royal bloodlines, which may have sought the god’s blessing when it came to siring new and prosperous heirs. Second and more likely, it’s more profitable to run a temple dedicated to childbearing and all the things that come before it than executions, and the pokémon that can understand human speech and use Pay Day when it’s pleased with your temple generally agrees.

Persian
The Classy Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 53
Entry: The evolved form of meowth, by battle experience. Evolution graces this pokémon with an immense amount of sophisticated beauty, including silken, golden fur, a sleek body, and the agility of a panther. Unfortunately, evolution has also granted the persian species a streak of fickle meanness, a set of sharp claws, and the expectation that it will continue to be worshipped like a god. In light of all this, it becomes rather understandable that the ancient peoples of the Orange and Sevii Islands originally conceived of a persian-like god of execution and the throne.

Meowth (Alola form)
The Scratch Cat Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 52
Entry: This cat-like pokémon is by no means native to the region of Alola. Rather, it was brought in from Kanto as prized pets of and gifts from wealthy Kantonian merchants, and their cuteness and intelligence captured the hearts of Alolan natives instantly. Over the decades following, the breeders of Alola hand-picked the most popular and sought-after traits among Alola’s meowth enthusiast community in order to breed “custom” meowth until Alolan meowth formed an entirely new breed consisting of prideful, capricious, crafty, often violent, and yet still strangely adorable meowth. Or, in other words, the Alolans bred a cat.

Persian (Alola form)
The Classy Cat Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 53
Entry: The evolved form of Alolan meowth, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. As a result of vigorous breeding, the Alolan variation of persian boasts fur as soft as velvet, a large and apparently exceedingly adorable head … and a vicious temper that’s focused on everything and anyone that it deems to be beneath it, which is to say everything and anyone. In other words, the Alolans bred a larger cat.

The Beldum Line

bills-pokedex:

Beldum
The Iron Ball Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 374
Entry: A magnetic pokémon rare in but native to the mountains of Hoenn and Sinnoh. It uses its magnetism to move and communicate with other beldum, both of which are essential to it, as its movepool is limited. More specifically, until evolution, beldum only learn one move naturally: Take Down, a devastating physical move in which it rams itself into its opponent, dealing damage to both itself and its target. As an aside, given the shape of this pokémon and the aforementioned fact, it is worth it to note that “rams itself into its opponent” is also not a euphemism, Bebe, and quite frankly, the author is horrified by the fact that anyone thinks it would be.

Metang
The Iron Claw Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 375
Entry: The evolved form of beldum, by battle experience. When two beldum become very close, their magnetism draws them closer together until they fuse at the head to form a larger, faster, and stronger pokémon gifted with a higher sense of enlightenment and intelligence. To answer Bebe’s question, no, this is not a metaphor, nor is this an accurate description of how certain organs the author and people like him would work during any sort of biological function outside of terribly written and highly bizarre slash fanfiction.

Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376
Entry: The evolved form of metagross, by battle experience. Much akin to beldum evolution, metagross form when two metang fuse. The resulting pokémon is not only physically and magically powerful (in that it is capable of launching both devastating physical attacks and devastating psychic attacks) but also highly intelligent. The combined brains of the constituent metang work in unison, allowing the metagross’s brain as a whole to function as a highly efficient supercomputer. …This, of course, is what makes metagross interesting, not the first thing in this entry, yet the author’s Sinnohan colleague is writing the fanfiction anyway.

Mega Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376+
Entry: The advanced form of metagross, via metagrossite. As a result of the power surge from mega evolution, this already fiercely intelligent and extremely powerful pokémon becomes a veritable force of nature on the battlefield. That is to say, mega metagross combines newly sharpened intellect with incredible offensive capabilities to engage in battles so brutal and strategically destructive that opponents—and stadiums—are often rendered utterly out of commission for weeks. Another interesting fact: mega metagross is the signature mega evolution of the champion of Hoenn, Steven Stone. Just … as an unrelated side note that in no way is relevant to the author’s partner.

I can’t tell if you’re trying to dissuade me from having an entirely platonic relationship with Steven because you’re jealous of him or of me. —LH

I don’t see how any part of that could possibly indicate that I’m at all jealous of either of you. —Bill

…okay, maybe I’m a little jealous of you. How did you manage to get invited to coffee with him anyway?! I’ve been talking to him about rare stones and pokémon for years, and we’re barely on a first-name basis! —Bill

A girl has her secrets. 😉 —LH

Grimer and Muk

bills-pokedex:

Grimer
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 88
Entry: Born from polluted rivers, this pokémon’s body consists entirely of highly toxic sludge. It consequently thrives on pollution, and as such, it flocks to polluted waterways, where it has been known to clog up entire sewer systems in its zeal to consume raw waste. Despite all of this, grimer populations are considered to be the most prevalent in Kanto and Hoenn, home to two of the most aggressive green campaigns in the world, despite the fact that other regions historically had difficulties with pollution, are centers of mining and manufacturing, and are currently so polluted that their environment has given birth to sentient garbage bags.

Muk
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 89
Entry: The evolved form of grimer, by battle experience. Like its preevolved form, a muk’s body also consists entirely of a highly toxic sludge. However, due to its increase in mass, power, and age with evolution, muk is able to cultivate highly powerful strains of bacteria and viruses that infest every inch of its skin. Physical contact with this pokémon can kill plants and smaller or weaker animals on contact … which should speak volumes about the resilience of pokémon researchers and their assistants as a whole, considering the fact that certain muk express affection via alarmingly frequent tackling.

Grimer (Alola form)
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison/Dark
Official Registration #: 88
Entry: This sludge-like pokémon actually descends from grimer imported from Kanto. Decades ago, when Alola was facing a pollution crisis, the regional government took notice of how grimer consume waste and attempted to bring in a small but tame population to consume the considerable amounts of garbage clogging Alolan streets. Naturally, some of these grimer escaped and reproduced, and over generations, they mutated to match their comparatively less toxic food sources (that is, compared to the diets of standard grimer) … as well as the psychic and steel predators also brought in to handle the out-of-control grimer population. Long story short, this is exactly why: A) there are infestations of grimer, abra, and magnemite in certain parts of Alola, and B) coming up with good ideas should not be left to people in politics.

Muk (Alola form)
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison/Dark
Official Registration #: 89
Entry: The evolved form of the Alolan variation of grimer, by battle experience. Despite its fangs and sharp spikes, this highly colorful pokémon is actually sweeter, gentler, and far less fragrant than its standard cousins. Additionally, its skin is comparatively clean, making it safe to touch. However, contrary to popular belief, it’s often a bad idea to hug one unless you’re experienced with training this variation of muk, as both its bodily fluids and its spikes are highly toxic. Naturally, considering the toxicity of certain parts of its body, combined with its vivid coloration and docile nature as well as the Alolans’ general ability to make sound decisions, most residents of Alola consider their variation of muk to be a highly popular mascot for children’s programming and products.

Meditite and Medicham

bills-pokedex:

Meditite
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 307
Entry: In order to heighten its spiritual and physical strength, this monkey-like pokémon undergoes rigorous training in mountainous areas. This training involves extreme methods such as meditating for hours and consuming only one berry a day. It should be noted that this sort of exercise is extremely taxing on the body and should not be undertaken by any unprepared human trainers seeking to attain enlightenment alongside their meditite partners.

Are you speaking from experience, Bill? Because to be fair, there’s a difference between this and forgoing basic physical needs to write your senior thesis. —LH

What difference would that be? —Bill

Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308
Entry: The evolved form of meditite, by battle experience. Through years of hardcore meditation and extended periods of near starvation, this pokémon is able to develop both telekinetic and aura-viewing powers. It is said that the closer it gets to spiritual enlightenment by denying itself earthly pleasures—including food—the easier it is for a medicham to view auras in the form of brilliantly colored lights.

Oh, much like you what you were experiencing by the end of finals week. I stand corrected. —LH

At least I passed. —Bill

According to our proctors, yes. According to the ER physician, no. —LH

Mega Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308+
Entry: The advanced form of medicham, via medichamite. Thanks to the boost in power from mega evolution, combined with its years of intense training, mega medicham is able to achieve a form that grants it a set of spectral hands. These hands grow increasingly more corporeal the more meditation and training the medicham has had, until it gains at least two sets of perfectly functioning hands with which to fight or, well, work. That is to say, mega medicham is one of the few pokémon that become more efficient with a combination of sleep deprivation and lack of self-care, which is a feat that the author envies just a little.

If it makes you feel any better, the reason why Brigette and I dragged you to the hospital that one time was because you were so sleep-deprived you thought you actually had more than one set of hands… —LH

Fair point. But now that I think about it, I could probably achieve the same results as a mega medicham through more practical methods. —Bill

I really hope you’re not about to suggest something involving your teleporter and a sample of medicham DNA. —LH

I was actually thinking of machamp DNA, but if you’re going to be like that about it… —Bill