The Machop Line

Machop
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 66
Entry: A short, humanoid pokémon native to the mountains of Kanto, Johto, and Hoenn. Although machop is small and slight, do not be deceived: it possesses super strength and trains itself by lifting multiple geodude for hours each day. Moreover, it is a natural at martial arts and is capable of mastering multiple forms shortly after hatching. All of this, of course, is exactly what researchers tell one another to reassure themselves that getting beaten into a broken pulp by a pokémon the size and stature of a toddler is perfectly explainable by science and has absolutely nothing to do with the researcher’s own physical prowess.

Machoke
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 67
Entry: The evolved form of machop, by battle experience. Machoke are, in general, highly proud of their muscles, which are toned to the point where each one possesses the hardness of steel. The average machoke enjoys showing off these muscles and the strength associated with them, and as such, machoke are happiest when performing any job that requires manual labor around humans or other pokémon. Given that this is a well-toned, humanoid creature that may be captured and tamed by humans for the express purpose of lifting things, it should be worth it to note that its desire to show off is completely innocent and has nothing to do with whatever the Sinnohan administrator may be thinking. Furthermore, it is worth it to remind her that pokémon-human relations are generally frowned upon in most cultures for a reason.

Machamp
The Superpower Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 68
Entry: The evolved form of machoke, via trading. A master of every form of martial arts in existence, machamp possesses four arms that are capable of firing over 1000 punches in two seconds, lift passenger jets with ease, and throw an adult man over the horizon. According to the Sinnohan administrator, machamp is also “pretty bara for a pokémon.” The author is not entirely sure what this means, but given the other things the Sinnohan storage system administrator has said about pokémon lately, he is inclined to say no, it is not.

The Beldum Line

Beldum
The Iron Ball Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 374
Entry: A magnetic pokémon rare in but native to the mountains of Hoenn and Sinnoh. It uses its magnetism to move and communicate with other beldum, both of which are essential to it, as its movepool is limited. More specifically, until evolution, beldum only learn one move naturally: Take Down, a devastating physical move in which it rams itself into its opponent, dealing damage to both itself and its target. As an aside, given the shape of this pokémon and the aforementioned fact, it is worth it to note that “rams itself into its opponent” is also not a euphemism, Bebe, and quite frankly, the author is horrified by the fact that anyone thinks it would be.

Metang
The Iron Claw Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 375
Entry: The evolved form of beldum, by battle experience. When two beldum become very close, their magnetism draws them closer together until they fuse at the head to form a larger, faster, and stronger pokémon gifted with a higher sense of enlightenment and intelligence. To answer Bebe’s question, no, this is not a metaphor, nor is this an accurate description of how certain organs the author and people like him would work during any sort of biological function outside of terribly written and highly bizarre slash fanfiction.

Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376
Entry: The evolved form of metagross, by battle experience. Much akin to beldum evolution, metagross form when two metang fuse. The resulting pokémon is not only physically and magically powerful (in that it is capable of launching both devastating physical attacks and devastating psychic attacks) but also highly intelligent. The combined brains of the constituent metang work in unison, allowing the metagross’s brain as a whole to function as a highly efficient supercomputer. …This, of course, is what makes metagross interesting, not the first thing in this entry, yet the author’s Sinnohan colleague is writing the fanfiction anyway.

Tangela and Tangrowth

Tangela
The Vine Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 114
Entry: The body of this pokémon is obscured completely in vines. Efforts have been made to either cut the vines off or straighten them out in order to study tangela’s main body, but these were deemed inhumane and impossible, respectively. As it stands, researchers only know tangela’s body to be stump-like, fleshy, thick, and round, with plenty of surface area for its prehensile, tentacle-like vines to grow. Despite this description, no, it is not a phallic object, Bebe.

Tangrowth
The Vine Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 465
Entry: The evolved form of tangela, by battle experience, if the specimen can use Ancient Power. Tangrowth are twice as large as tangela, and as such, they are capable of growing far more twisting, wild vines than their preevolved form. Some of these vines are permanently locked together to form hands, which tangrowth uses not only to ensnare and pick things up but also to thrust at the opponent during its attacks. Despite this description, it is also not a phallic object, Bebe.

Shellder and Cloyster

Shellder
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 90
Entry: A scallop-like pokémon native to the waters of Kanto and Johto. Although it is most known for resting on the sandy bottom of the shallower parts of the sea, shellder is actually a highly mobile pokémon. It swims by clamping its shell open and closed and steering with its tongue, thus bobbing up and down and “dancing” through the ocean currents. There really is no joke here; the author just wishes to leave you with the mental image of a shellder swimming. It is, indeed, quite a fantastic sight to behold.

Cloyster
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water/Ice
Official Registration #: 91
Entry: The evolved form of shellder, by exposure to water stone. Protected by a rock-hard shell, this clam-like pokémon is capable of withstanding even the toughest blasts. Nothing can penetrate it unless it opens up for the purpose of attacking by thrusting itself forward and jamming its opponent with the short spike adorning its pearl-like head. Given the shape of this pokémon, it is important to note that this is also not a euphemism, regardless of what anyone says, Bebe.

Onix and Steelix

Onix
The Rock Snake Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 96
Entry: A giant serpentine pokémon native to the cave systems of Kanto and Johto. As it grows, onix’s stone body hardens until its skin resembles diamond, which protects it as it burrows at high speeds in search of sustenance … all of which is not an extended euphemism, contrary to the opinions of the Sinnohan storage system administrator.

Steelix
The Iron Snake Pokémon
Type: Steel/Ground
Official Registration #: 208
Entry: The evolved form of onix, most easily via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. As this snake-like pokémon ages, it burrows deeper into the ground, where the pressure of the earth itself and the heat from the planet’s core tempers its steel skin. While tamed steelix may have this coat artificially applied to it before trading, it is possible for steelix to evolve from wild onix. Using this process, steelix initially have a rocky hide but form their coats from the minerals it consumes as it burrows. A sheath begins to form on its face first (as this is the first thing that burrows into the ground) but gradually slides backwards until it coats the entire length of the specimen. Friction compacts and hardens this coat until the aforementioned process of tempering (via pressure from the earth and heat from the planetary core) may occur. And no, this is still not an extended euphemism, Bebe.

The Gastly Line

Gastly
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 92
Entry: A spectral pokémon most prevalent in graveyards and pokémon burial sites throughout Kanto, Johto, and Sinnoh. Contrary to popular belief, gastly are not the souls of deceased pokémon. Rather, they spawn naturally through either breeding or, in sites that host high volumes of cremation, a mixture of smoke, ash, the noxious gases of decomposition, and a pokémon’s final burst of auric energy. The gases that comprise a gastly’s body are, as mentioned a moment ago, highly noxious to a human and may induce a state of lightheadedness and euphoria shortly before suffocation. Some humans keep gastly who are trained to envelope a human but release them the moment they arrive at the edge of unconsciousness, all expressly for the high induced by this pokémon … not that the author would know anything about this, of course.

Haunter
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 93
Entry: The evolved form of gastly, by battle experience. Like its evolutionary predecessor, haunter’s body is comprised entirely of concentrated, noxious gases. However, these gases are compressed to the point where they hover just at the edge of their liquid state, enabling haunter to have a more tangible form than gastly. Additionally, as the inner materials of its form are compressed to the point where they begin to condense, haunter also has the ability to “touch,” as well as the ability to inflict the paralytic effects of its composition by touch. Thus, when the pokédex informs you that being touched by this pokémon’s hand causes a victim to experience unrelenting shuddering or that being licked by this pokémon’s gaseous tongue results in a full-body paralysis, rest assured that there is an entirely scientific explanation behind all of this which is rooted in equally comforting levels of chemistry.

Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94
Entry: The evolved form of haunter, via trading. This spectral pokémon possesses the ability to pass into the shadows of living beings, where it waits until nightfall to suck away their life energies and body heat. Not much else is known about gengar, unfortunately, except for one other note: should you ever attempt to study this with the two most capable researchers you know short of Professor Oak, never attempt to study it by inviting it to perform any of its other abilities unless you have not, within the past half an hour, consumed more whiskey than is reasonable for a professional. It apparently also has the ability to possess humans and the tendency to be creative in its interpretations of requests.

The Porygon Line

Porygon
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 137
Entry: A bird-like virtual pokémon that exists within a digital environment. It has the capability of entering and exiting said environment using very similar procedures as the digitization of poké balls in that it converts the code that comprises its body into a solid cross between plastic, a carbon-based polymer, and hard light (similar to that used in Reflect and Light Screen). As an extended note, this pokémon has been copyprotected by Silph Co., so no, you wouldn’t steal a pokémon, Motion Picture Association of Unova.

Porygon2
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 233
Entry: The evolved form of porygon, via trading if the subject has had an up-grade applied to it. In order to assist with actual rocket science involved with the Unovan space program, scientists have taken a porygon and reformatted it into a porygon2, thus refining it to work smarter and more efficiently than its previous form. Thus, it is said that porygon2 is a pokémon that was created with the power of science … which, as this writer is currently being told by his editor, is the first and only time he may use “with the power of science” in this blog, especially as a justification for the creation of life.

Porygon-Z
The Virtual Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 474
Entry: The evolved form of porygon2, via trading if the subject has had a dubious disc applied to it. In an attempt to create an even faster and more efficient form of the porygon line, scientists applied brand-new software onto a porygon2, resulting in a bug-filled, highly erratic and unpredictable virtual pokémon that would frequently refuse to operate as intended. And this, readers, is why you give your poor developers enough time to test the software you pay them to create.

It’s okay, Bill. The Pokémon Association can’t hurt you anymore. —LH

Purrloin and Liepard

Purrloin
The Devious Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 509
Entry: Due to this kitten-like pokémon’s deceptive cuteness, the humans of purrloin’s native Unova are frequently incapable of holding a grudge against it, even when it blatantly steals food and valuables from them. As this use of an adorable, wholesome-looking facade in order to evade punishment is a well-known habit of theirs, purrloin has come to be thought of as, even among native Unovans, an accurate representation of the Unovan justice system on the whole.

Liepard
The Cruel Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 510
Entry: The evolved form of purrloin, by battle experience. This sleek but beautiful leopard-like pokémon is known among Unovans for two things. First, it is widely considered a symbol of elegance, with its shimmering pelt and graceful movements. Second, it is known for stalking its prey with the utmost stealth and attacking them from behind. That having been said, it is a point of interest in this author’s opinion that many pokémon in Unova seem to enjoy sneaking up on its prey and attacking it from behind or using appearances to coax its target into letting its guard down … not that this author is saying this implies anything about Unova or its people, of course.

Electrike and Manectric

Electrike
The Lightning Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 309
Entry: This small, puppy-like pokémon stores static electricity in its fur, which it uses both as added defense and as a means to stimulate its leg muscles. Once its legs are charged, electrike is capable of reaching speeds faster than the human eye … making games of fetch between tamed specimens and humans particularly quick. Be warned, however—upon each successful fetch, electrike enjoys praise and belly rubs, the latter of which has led to an unfortunate number of electrocution incidents in electrike’s native region of Hoenn.

Manectric
The Discharge Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 310
Entry: The evolved form of electrike, by battle experience. In the wild, this dog-like pokémon is rare and frequently avoids humans, but it is not necessarily difficult to find. This is because its pointed main attracts lightning, which it collects in its fur and discharges constantly into the atmosphere around it. Unfortunately for manectric, such discharges lead to equally unfortunate consequences to both human and general surrounding alike, and more than one forest fire and electrocution have been attributed to this pokémon.

The Flabébé Line

Flabébé
The Single Bloom Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 699
Entry: Researchers are in conflict as to whether or not the flower that flabébé holds is part of its body. However, everyone is in agreement that flabébé draws magical energy from the flower it chooses, that this flower sometimes resembles wildflowers, that flabébé is very small and difficult to see, and that the horrific thing involving a lawnmower that you are likely thinking of is an unfortunate but regular occurrence in the region of Kalos.

Floette
The Single Bloom Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 670
Entry: The evolved form of flabébé, by battle experience. This tiny pixie pokémon lives primarily in fields where wildflowers thrive, as it survives by drawing magical energy from the blossoms. However, it is possible to find it in gardens, particularly well-kept gardens, where it will dance among plants in celebration for flowers that have been taken care of with love. As a result, some gardeners encounter floette regularly, others may wait years before floette appear, and a handful, the author has been told, have waited for what feels like over 3000 years for one. The author is certain this is an exaggeration.

Florges
The Garden Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 671
Entry: The evolved form of floette, by exposure to shiny stone. In ages past, lords, royalty, and other upperclass individuals would invite florges to live in their gardens, as a florges’ elegance was a much sought-after touch many upperclassmen wanted for their gardens. In exchange, the florges would have access to an abundance of flower energy. However, then the lawnmower was invented, and given the previous entry concerning flabébé, one can only draw conclusions as to why this is no longer practiced.