Hi Bill, I am really enjoying reading all your research! I was wondering if you had any notes about the Kantonese fossil pokemon?

Thank you!

I admit I have extensive research on those pokémon in particular, but I’ll do my best to summarize the most fascinating parts over the next few days, beginning with:

Omanyte
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 138
Entry: A prehistoric nautilus pokémon that once dwelled in the warm Kantonian oceans. Among paleo-pokémonologists, omanyte is significant in that it helps us to identify geologic periods. Their tightly spiraled, chambered shells make them fantastically easy to identify on site, and their lifespans on this planet are well-documented as being short, enabling fast and reliable dating of a rock strata. Little is known about its actual life, although its appearance within the fossil bed offer clues. It is said that omanyte flourished roughly around the Devonian period, when seas were at ideal conditions to support the evolution of marine life, and thus, omanyte adapted rapidly to the warm, briny environment. However, it is also said that although omanyte populations were hardy and tenacious during this time period, they disappeared abruptly off the face of the planet at the end of the Cretaceous period … likely due to the fact that no amount of hardiness or prolific breeding will protect a pokémon from drastic climate changes or meteors when they lay their young exactly where they’re most likely to die from exposure.

Omastar
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 139
Entry: The evolved form of omanyte, by battle experience. Omastar possessed sharp beaks and spikes, rock-hard shells, and a plethora of strong tentacles, making it essentially a predator consisting entirely of weapons. One would think that omastar would have been an apex predator that could survive the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, but two things prevented it from doing so. First, as its pre-evolved form was more vulnerable and its eggs even more so, it eventually reached a point where the species had nothing to evolve from. Second and even more ridiculous (yet still very likely), omastar had somehow managed to adaptively evolve shells so heavy that many would find a way to crush themselves to death before they could mate.

So, Bill. Is there a Foongus Amoongus?

There may be!

Foongus
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 590
Entry: A small, mushroom-like pokémon known for the fact that its cap strongly resembles a pokéball, especially when the rest of its body is concealed by tall grass. According to the official pokédex, the reason for this pattern is unknown. However, given that foongus are capable of learning Spore and Giga Drain, that their natural ability involves releasing toxic spores upon contact, and that their caps are the approximate size, shape, and coloring of an object human trainers would be most likely to pick up, this writer can say without a doubt that the reasoning behind this coloring is an absolute mystery that the scientific community may just never solve.

Amoonguss
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 591
Entry: The evolved form of foongus, by battle experience. Upon evolution, amoonguss grow to be about two feet tall in height, and its cap expands proportionally. This makes its poké ball-like coloring less effective, even in the cover of tall grass, and as an added defiance of subtlety, it increases its own visibility by shaking its arms—both terminating in buds the size, shape, and color of its original head as a foongus—wildly in front of it. In theory, this is to attract attention to its arms and lure in prey with hypnotic motions. Also in theory, human beings have evolved a level of awareness and wisdom that would prevent such a tactic from working on us. In practice, however, this exact strategy is to blame for over 60% of all human hospitalizations in the vicinity of Unova’s Victory Road on an annual basis.

Kangaskhan

Well. Now that that bit of unpleasantness has been cleared up, let’s continue with a pokémon that this writer has recently been reminded of for reasons that have nothing to do with the last actual entry.

Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115
Entry: A kangaroo-like pokémon consisting of a mother creature and a separate, smaller baby, known within the pokémonology field as a “joey.” Much of the mother pokémon’s life revolves around caring for and violently defending her young, which she always carries in her front pouch. Curiously, this changes upon mega evolution, at which point the joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.

Hello, I would like to request a report on the Pokemon Missingno. says with a straight face

Hmm. Missingno. That’s an unusual request.

Let me see. Surely I have a file on that.

Ah! Here we are!

Missingno.
The ̋?̂?̉?̄ ͒ Pokémon
Type: B̫i̤r͓d̳/Normal
Official Registration #: 0̷
Entry: A mysterious entity said to live off the coastlines of Cinnabar and Seafoam Islands. Not much is known about it, save for its unusual properties. Scientists in the area have noted that at a distance of Z̷ゥ̸4̶ meters from shore, instruments begin malfunctioning. It has been determined that this comes as a result of missingno., which gives off ゥ̴’̶B̷’̴d̴ ẉ̶̡͕̦̻̦̞̰͈͆̔̈́̈́͛͑̊͘͝ą̸̢͙̠̣̳̯͕̫̀́̇͊́̐̎̋͝

▼

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Growlithe and Arcanine

Growlithe
The Puppy Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 58
Entry: An extremely loyal dog-like pokémon, growlithe is eager to execute any order to the best of its ability, and when not given an order, it tends to remain perfectly still. Yet at the same time, when ordered to guard a home or valuables, it will bark and bite at anything that is not its trainer, even if that anything is another human being. If the reader believes that these two states are not contradictory, then one has not watched a growlithe happily stand by and watch their owner get robbed on the streets of Goldenrod City because it has not been ordered to attack.

Arcanine
The Legendary Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 59
Entry: The evolved form of growlithe, by exposure to fire stone. In China, arcanine are widely regarded as legendary pokémon. Given the commonness of growlithe and the fact that arcanine is not regarded so highly anywhere else in the world, you would think this would result in major debates across the planet concerning religion, culture, and the definition of “legendary pokémon,” but somehow, the human race has gotten along just fine without talking about it.

Spearow and Fearow

Spearow
The Tiny Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 21
Entry: Much like many other bird pokémon, spearow travel in large flocks which hunt and defend sizable amounts of territory in unison. Also like other birds, it is known for its ability to fly at high speeds, which allows it and the rest of its flock to descend on its prey in seconds. However, unlike many other birds, spearow possess small wings that it must flap at high speeds in order to stay airborne, a fact which renders it inept at flying at high altitudes or over long distances. Thus, spearow is a creature that finds itself inadequate at the one thing most other creatures like itself excel at to the point of making that thing be a major component of their existence … which is why this writer and his unfortunate lack of battling aptitude in a world that relies on battling feels a sense of empathy for the spearow.

Fearow
The Beak Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 22
Entry: The evolved form of spearow, by battle experience. Unlike their pre-evolved forms, fearow possess broad wings and an incredible amount of stamina, which enable them to fly for long distances without needing a break. They are also adept at hunting, including swooping onto prey and ascending back to an appropriate altitude for flight in a matter of seconds. All of these skills are fantastic for the fearow and considerably more inconvenient for prey, such as you, if you happen to be trapped in the form of a rattata. …You know. Just as an off-hand example.

Vulpix and Ninetales

Vulpix
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 37
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon known for its beautiful tails, of which it has six when fully grown. While young, this pokémon’s fire abilities are mediocre at best, and its strongest move, Fire Blast, is roughly as potent as a charmeleon’s Flamethrower. However, in rare cases, vulpix may be born with the passive ability Drought, which allows it to subconsciously call down intense sunlight to strengthen any fire-type move used in its presence. Incidentally, this small, fox-like creature shares the aforementioned ability with the legendary behemoth of the earth, Groudon, a beast known for nearly destroying the world beneath the unrelenting sunlight it called forth. …Which is to say that the pokémon world is a bizarre and terrifying thing sometimes.

Ninetales
The Fox Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 38
Entry: The evolved form of vulpix, via exposure to fire stone. The legend that a ninetales will lay a thousand-year curse on you if you touch one of its tails is exactly that: a legend and therefore not true. What is true, however, is the fact that ninetales are generally sensitive about their tails and will set you on fire if you so much as accidentally brush up against one.

The Meowth Line

Meowth
The Scratch Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 52
Entry: A small, nocturnal, cat-like pokémon with an affinity for shiny, round objects. Ancient civilizations within the Orange and Sevii Islands worshipped meowth as a deity due to its association with cat-like god of the home, harvest, and wealth. This may seem curious unless one does further digging to the actual origins of the cat deity to find that it had originally been a god of the hunt, judgment, and executions, which is more in line with meowth’s carnivorous diet and vicious hunting methods. While the reason behind the switch is still a mystery to scholars, there are two noteworthy theories. First, the god was also the symbol of the Orange and Seviian royal bloodlines, which may have sought the god’s blessing when it came to siring new and prosperous heirs. Second and more likely, it’s more profitable to run a temple dedicated to childbearing and all the things that come before it than executions, and the pokémon that can understand human speech and use Pay Day when it’s pleased with your temple generally agrees.

Persian
The Classy Cat Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 53
Entry: The evolved form of meowth, by battle experience. Evolution graces this pokémon with an immense amount of sophisticated beauty, including silken, golden fur, a sleek body, and the agility of a panther. Unfortunately, evolution has also granted the persian species a streak of fickle meanness, a set of sharp claws, and the expectation that it will continue to be worshipped like a god. In light of all this, it becomes rather understandable that the ancient peoples of the Orange and Sevii Islands originally conceived of a persian-like god of execution and the throne.

Rotom

Rotom
The Plasma Pokémon
Type: Electric/Ghost
Official Registration #: 479
Entry: While its natural form is a foot-tall ball of pure plasma, the intangibility of its body as well as its natural affinity to electricity make it a volatile research subject. It has been known to enter and control elec̜țr̢ọṇḭc͜ d̶e̴v̶i̴c̴e̶s̴,̸ ̷r̷̼͑ẻ̷͔s̶̙̋u̸̧͝ḷ̸͆t̵̞̓i̶̲̚n̶̬̔g̷̬̊ ̷̞̀ȉ̶̪ǹ̷̟ ̶͇̐ê̶͎r̸̗̍r̶̢̓o̵̤͒r̵̫͛s̶͎̅ ̵̥̚o̴͉͒f̷̯̈ ̷͚͒á̶̢n̵͕̓ ̵̟̀u̷͉̕n̷̫͌u̵̪͘s̶͙̅û̷̦a̵͙͠ḻ̷̓ ̴̯̒n̸͙̂ä̶̜́�̷̱̍�̸̦͌�̴͍͗�̷̹͗�̴̘̔�̴̼͠ *:･ﾟ✧(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ

Hey Bill, can we get your very important scientific perspective on TOGEPIMET- that is, on the Togepi line?

Ah, yes, the togepi line. Quite a fascinating one, actually!

Togepi
The Spike Ball Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 175
Entry: A foot-tall, egg-like pokémon that possesses very little in the way of offensive, defensive, or—for that matter—any battling abilities. In fact, it is said that shell of this egg-like pokémon stores joy and happiness and that this egg-like pokémon’s main ability is spreading peace and love wherever it goes. You are, in short, battling the most baby-like of all pokémon, and it would be most advisable to rethink your life decisions if you find yourself in this situation. You monster.

Togetic
The Happiness Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 176
Entry: The evolved form of togepi, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. True to its defined species, togetic is a small, bird-like creature best known for its ability to spread happiness and luck to kind-hearted people. Conversely, it grows depressed and lethargic when exposed to the arrogant, selfish, and immature for long periods of time. Thus, while togetic is traditionally considered to be a symbol of fortune and prosperity to the people of its native Johto, in more modern times, it has also become the symbol of people with questionable taste in men. Such as this writer’s older sister.

Togekiss
The Jubilee Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 468
Entry: The evolved form of togetic, by exposure to shiny stone. A large, bird-like creature that flies from region to region on a pair of great, pure-white wings. It prefers to migrate to peaceful regions, to shower the people living there with blessings of prosperity and peace as a reward for their efforts to love and respect one another. However, if it crosses a war-torn country, it is known for spreading peace, happiness, and justice by delivering unto any authority figure it finds the most violent uses of Sweet Kiss and Fairy Wind observed in the pokémon kingdom. In short, this writer wholeheartedly approves of togekiss’s political platform and is more than ready to vote for togekiss in the next general election.