Kanto Legendaries, Part II

Mewtwo
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 150
Entry: According to conspiracy theorists, a shady organization attempted to create the ultimate weapon by combining the DNA of Mew with several other pokémon and subjecting the result to torturous training methods. The writer, of course, cannot confirm nor deny that this is true, as technically, he is not supposed to know all of this. The only reason why he does is because he gave a certain amount of bitcoin to certain people who own certain deep web websites for the sake of science, and the only reason why he is publishing all of this is, frankly, because being targeted by shady underground organizations sounds like a far better way to spend a weekend than by going to the Pokémon League’s annual formal gala aboard the S.S. Anne.

Mew
The New Species Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 151
Entry: A godlike feline pokémon said to inhabit the mountains of South America. According to legend, Mew wields incredible powers, including psychokinesis, invisiblity, and the ability to learn hundreds of moves. Scientists, in an attempt to explain the latter, have mapped out Mew’s genetic code based on a sample taken from a fossil, and in doing so, they have found that Mew shares a varying percentage of DNA with every pokémon in existence. This last fact becomes less impressive, however, when one stops to realize first that this in no way explains how Mew can learn hundreds of different moves … and second that humans share 50% of their DNA with nanab berries, so it seems rather moot anyway.

Kanto Legendaries, Part I

Articuno
The Freeze Pokémon
Type: Ice/Flying
Official Registration #: 144
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of ice and winter winds. According to legend, Articuno appears before lost travelers on snowy mountains to guide them to safety. Other legends refer to its ability to conjure strong blizzards and freeze entire bodies of water with each flap of its translucent wings. And still others have put two and two together and come up with the fact that it’s rather suspicious that you have a bird who can conjure blizzards by flapping its wings appearing before travelers who are lost on icy mountains thanks to blizzards. But that is, as the saying goes, none of this writer’s business.

Zapdos
The Electric Pokémon
Type: Electric/Flying
Official Registration #: 145
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of lightning and thunderstorms. According to legend, Zapdos once lived in the mountains of eastern Kanto, where it called down the thunder to spark forest fires and bring about the spark of rebirth. Nowadays, it lives in the Cerulean Power Plant, and workers there are perfectly fine with this because who wants to be the one to tell the ornery embodiment of thunderstorms that it can’t roost wherever it merry well pleases?

Moltres
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 146
Entry: The Kantonian spirit of fire and spring zephyrs. According to Kantonian legend, Moltres flew on a pair of dazzling wings that conjured incredible bursts of flames with every flap. These same legends state that Moltres would dive into volcanoes and use lava to repair its injuries, that it could control blazing infernos, and that its mere presence can quell a raging blizzard. And meanwhile, in Kanto’s neighbor to the west, Johtonian legend states it flies south for the winter like a common swellow and comes back to make our crops grow. This may or may not be one of the many reasons why Kantonians are a little judgmental towards their western neighbors.

The Dratini Line

Dratini
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 147
Entry: A mythical pokémon found only in the most remote lakes of temperate regions. Although the most commonly sighted dratini are only up to three feet in length, the pokédex correctly states that the average height of this pokémon is roughly five feet and that it continuously gets bigger as it ages. The discrepancy has a lot to do with this pokémon’s behavior in relation to its size. Calmer, larger dratini tend to sink to the bottom of their lake homes because they spend most of their energy on shedding, rather than forcing their bulk to rise to the surface. Meanwhile, smaller, more curious dratini spend less energy swimming to shore and have more of an inclination to do so due to their interest in the number of oddly-shaped, multicolored creatures that seem very intent on catching them, and long story short, the average height of the species is maintained by the sheer power of natural selection.

Dragonair
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon
Official Registration #: 148
Entry: The evolved form of dratini, by battle experience. All of the shedding and growth dratini does is for a reason: to generate the magical energy needed to form dragonair’s signature orbs. Each of these orbs carry enough mystical power that even a gentle pulse of magic from one of them can grant dragonair complete control over the weather at any given moment. This may seem like a rather liberal use of the word “magic” on a scientific blog, but to be fair, we live in a world where a three-foot-tall mouse can electrocute an elephant into submission.

Dragonite
The Dragon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Flying
Official Registration #: 149
Entry: The evolved form of dragonair, by battle experience. As dragonair grows, it continues to develop both its magical abilities and its stores of mystical energy so that when it finally evolves into dragonite after years of training, it takes on an incredibly powerful form equipped with both potent physical and magical strength as well as the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. Likewise, dragonite have the ability to understand human speech, and it frequently displays a kindhearted nature, particularly towards individuals who are pure in heart. Legend also claims that it occasionally takes children to a faraway island inhabited almost exclusively by dragonite, where magic truly exists and an evil witch seeks to disrupt the peace of the happy dragonite kingdom.

…The writer apologizes, as he seems to have been reading the plot to a children’s film. Let me try this again.

Entry: The evolved form of dragonair, by battle experience. As dragonair grows, it continues to develop both its magical abilities and its stores of mystical energy so that when it finally evolves into dragonite after years of training, it takes on an incredibly powerful form equipped with both potent physical and magical strength as well as the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. Likewise, dragonite have the ability to understand human speech, and it frequently displays a kindhearted nature, particularly towards individuals who are pure in heart. Legend also claims that it occasionally takes children to a faraway island inhabited almost exclusively by dragonite, where magic truly exists and wealthy tourists seek to disrupt the peace of the happy dragonite kingdom.

The Pidgey Line

Pidgey
The Tiny Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, normally docile pokémon that is extremely common to Kanto and Johto. As such, along with rattata, pidgey are typically among the first pokémon a beginning Kantonian trainer captures. This is made all the easier thanks to the fact that pidgey also prefer kicking up sand using low-powered gusts of wind at ground level before fleeing, rather than engaging in a proper battle, but its small wings and the amount of energy it expends in blinding its foe make it difficult to get away quickly. Still, as a pokémon not known for either its battle prowess or its defensive capabilities, it, too, tends to be permanently stored rather quickly, but as of late, it has enjoyed an upsurge in popularity, partly because of pidgeot’s newly discovered mega evolution and partly because, according to the internet, it is “an adorable birb” who “wears leaf for enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeotto
The ~~Birb~~ Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. Like many other pokémon, evolution grants pidgeotto more confidence and aggression. It goes from being a docile pokémon to a highly territorial one that tends to claim a large swath of land as its home. Additionally, it possesses keen eyesight and the ability to swoop down onto prey from great heights and snatch its target with deadly claws. However, what it has not outgrown from its days as a pidgey is its love for bread, so travelers hiking through Kanto should beware when carrying sandwiches.

Pidgeot
The Bird Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. While pidgeotto’s aggression calms a bit upon evolution, its hunting behaviors otherwise remain the same. In fact, pidgeot’s sharpened eyesight, its ability to fly at Mach-2 speeds, and its capacity to generate hurricane-strength winds make pidgeot far more deadly than its much more hostile pre-evolution. Luckily, pidgeot only exist naturally in the mountains around Victory Road, so most trainers needn’t worry about the fate of their sandwiches. Strong trainers thinking of challenging the Elite Four, however, are a different matter, but by then, you might already be aware of the sizable list of pokémon that would also do unspeakable things to you for a sandwich and any fish-like meat inside it. In short, the deadliest object a trainer can carry with them throughout their journey is a tuna fish sandwich.

The Rattata Line

Rattata
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 19
Entry: As one of the most common pokémon in Kanto and Johto, rattata are typically among the first team members for many beginning trainers. Small, quick, cautious, hardy, and very fond of biting things with its large front teeth, rattata may be known for their survival skills in the wild, but its lack of elemental aptitude and its less-than-ideal defenses mean that rattata are among the most commonly “boxed” pokémon in existence. However, recently, rattata has gained popularity among younger trainers, not because of its cute appearance or its availability but instead because of the inexplicable trend among such trainers to obtain and raise the “top percentage rattata.”

Raticate
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 20
Entry: The evolved form of rattata, by battle experience. Raticate depend on its whiskers to maintain its balance, and while this pokémon may be quick and agile with its whiskers intact, cutting them off is a sure-fire way to slow and disorient a raticate. Incidentally, cutting off a raticate’s whiskers is also a sure-fire way to get mauled by a forty-pound rat with six-inch fangs.

Kanto Starters III: Squirtle

Squirtle
The Tiny Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 7
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. As the most defensive of the three starters, squirtle is born with a shell that hardens to a rock-hard consistency as it grows older. It also has the ability to retract its softer head and limbs into this shell in order to protect itself as it uses its array of bubble- and water-jet-based attacks. That having been said, one of the most common questions posed about squirtle is “what does it look like without its shell,” and in order to answer all of them in one fell swoop, the writer would like to remind the general internet that a squirtle’s shell is actually an adapted ribcage and thus, a squirtle without its shell would look rather unfortunate.

Wartortle
The Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 8
Entry: The evolved form of squirtle, by battle experience. Legend has it that healthy wartortle may live up to 10,000 years. This, of course, is not true; rather, it is a euphemism for two things. First, it refers to the wartortle’s resilience, particularly in the case of its shell. Upon evolution, a wartortle’s shell hardens and continues to harden, and much of wartortle’s battle style hinges on the use of its shell as both its armor and its shield. A battle-experienced wartortle will always sport a plethora of scratches across its rock-hard shell. As for the second point to the legend, it simply refers to humans’ inability to tell reptilian pokémon apart, as well as the wartortle’s general apathy towards being confused with its abundance of cousins and blood relatives.

Blastoise
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 9
Entry: The evolved form of wartortle, by battle experience. Blastoise tend to be extremely proud of its muscular bulk and water cannons, to the point where much of its battle techniques hinge on either throwing its weight at an opponent or drowning them with high-powered jets of water. When it comes to the latter, its aim is deadly accurate, and a well-trained blastoise is capable of shooting a target up to 160 feet away. Additionally, despite the fact that they lose their feather-like ears upon evolution, it should be noted that blastoise generally have excellent hearing. For example, if a blastoise whose trainer happens to be a researcher’s grandson is standing more than soccer field’s length away from said grandson right at the moment that another researcher advises him on specialized diets for blastoise that no longer participate in battling circuits, that young, well-meaning researcher should be aware that he can still be shot with a Hydro Pump from halfway across the laboratory’s preserve.

Kanto Starters II: Charmander

Charmander
The Lizard Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 4
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, charmander are the hardest to raise. This is a fairly understandable statement. Charmander are naturally energetic, and their fire element means they don’t do well against Pewter or Cerulean’s gyms. More importantly, however, charmander are considered a challenge to raise because of the flame at the tip of their tails. A physical representation of charmander’s health and emotions, this flame must be meticulously kept, not only because allowing it to become extinguished would kill the host charmander but also because it is an actual flame that will react to Kanto’s abundance of fields full of dry, tall grass just about as well as you think it would.

Charmeleon
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 5
Entry: The evolved form of charmander, by battle experience. Charmeleon are thought to be merciless, bloodthirsty pokémon that will attack foes with their sharp claws and intense flames. This is not necessarily true. While some charmeleon are indeed that aggressive, the vast majority of them are actually simply outgoing. It just so happens that the flame on a charmeleon’s tail grows hotter and taller whenever its host is excited, and charmeleon itself is a very excitable pokémon. As for the note concerning its claws, evidently, a charmeleon’s first instinct upon accidentally setting its new friends on fire with its tail is to smack the flames in an attempt to smother them with their hands. It’s just that charmeleon also unfortunately forget that they have claws, so their attempts to help are often not particularly helpful.

Charizard
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Flying
Official Registration #: 6
Entry: The evolved form of charmeleon, by battle experience. Stories throughout Europe tell of ancient charizard flying on giant wings and using its flame breath to burn the countryside, the peasants, and the people in their thatched-roof cottages. Only heroes brave enough and with water-types strong enough were able to vanquish this threat and bring peace to the land. Of course, the validity of these claims are debatable. While charizard’s preferred fighting style is indeed a combination of flying over its opponents and breathing flames that reach temperatures in excess of 1000 degrees, historical evidence seems to point to the notion that the stories concerning giant charizard terrorizing the countryside were made up by bored young men who would have liked to think they were braver, funnier, and more attractive than they actually were.

Kanto Starters I: Bulbasaur

@psychms: I just noticed you haven’t written about any of the regional starters! Can you tell us about your most memorable experience with a starter Pokémon (or its evolutions)?

Ah, keen observation! Starters are a bit special to a researcher, as we tend to associate them with new beginnings while maintaining our status as a ridiculously sentimental breed of people. In particular, I must say I’m closest to the Kantonian starters, in part because I consider one of my home regions to be Kanto and in part because, despite beginning my journey in Johto, my starter was a bulbasaur. While I could go on and on about the bulbasaur line, I hardly think it would be appropriate to only cover it and not the other two families. Thus, consider this to be part one of a three-part series.

Bulbasaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 1
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, bulbasaur is the easiest to raise, as bulbasaur are more docile than the other two, the species’ offensive and defensive traits are balanced, and a grass-type has more of an advantage against the earliest Kantonian gyms than a fire- or water-type. However, while all of this is true, such advice frequently forgets any word on what to do when you have a pokémon that learns Leech Seed, Stun Spore, Poison Powder, and Sleep Powder all basically at the same time. On that note, should you be a new trainer who finds himself with a rambunctious bulbasaur who enjoys showering you with “affection,” be sure to carry full heals. A lot of full heals. Do not buy anything but full heals until your bulbasaur evolves. You will thank me later.

Ivysaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 2
Entry: The evolved form of bulbasaur, by battle experience. As it nears evolution into a venusaur, an ivysaur’s blossom grows larger and more fragrant to the point where it naturally emits a sweet, spicy fragrance strong enough to be detected from a distance. Thus, an ivysaur is the easiest among the three middle-evolution starters to evolve, not only because the weight of the bulb makes each ivysaur more eager to battle (in order to gain the strength needed to support its own flower) but also because the scent emitting from the blossom happens to be the exact kind of aroma that draws pokémon towards one in droves. That said, while ivysaur are still among the easiest pokémon to train, new and mediocre trainers should be warned that preventing an ivysaur from battling is nearly impossible and that many of your days may be spent being dragged through Viridian Forest by a charging ivysaur chased by a horde of beedrill.

Venusaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 3
Entry: The evolved form of ivysaur, by battle experience. A venusaur’s evolution is among the most beautiful to occur within the pokémon world. When the time comes, an ivysaur will seek the sunniest clearing in a forest, crouch within beams of sunlight, and allow its flower to grow and bloom. Petal by petal will open, and its fragrance will become more intense and aromatic. The power of this sight and the soothing nature of its signature perfume will rejuvenate an observing trainer just as much as the venusaur experiencing it, which is worth it to note as a warning to both. While you may be tempted to run forward and embrace your long-time pokémon partner in a rush of mutual pride and elation, note that your venusaur has gone from being 29 pounds to over 220 and that it will use all 220 to affectionately tackle you before realizing that it is no longer the size and weight of a large dog.

Absol

[[Writer’s Note: In light of yesterday’s entry, I have been informed by my editor, partner, and dearest friend L.H. that I am not funny and that I am to apologize and write a proper entry in response to my equally dear follower, @anonabsolxwolf. Thus, I present to you, my readers, the entry for the day and my sincerest pleas for forgiveness. —Bill]]

Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359
Entry: A mountain-dwelling pokémon with the ability to foretell disasters. In ancient legend, absol—then referred to as the hakutaku—foretold that a deadly plague would sweep across the Hoenn region and that only a very specific herb found on the side of Mt. Pyre would be able to cure it. For this reason, Hoennians worshipped absol as a guardian spirit of herbal medicine for several centuries until modern Western medicine was introduced to the region. Absol’s prophecies for various natural disasters are still accurate, of course, but humanity has an unfortunate tendency to ignore voices of reason during times of desperation. In short, absol has gone from being a guardian spirit of herbal medicine to the patron saint of underappreciated minds whose reasonable advice goes unheeded by the Pokémon Association.

[[Editor’s Note: You are still not funny, Bill. —LH]]

Hello and good day, Bill! The reason I’m calling today is that I have been looking over your dex entries. And I couldn’t help but notice that you seem to be missing a particular Pokemon. A Pokemon that happens to be very important to me. I wonder if you could do me this favor? :)

Ah, yes. I believe I know exactly which pokémon you mean!

Bouffalant
The Bash Buffalo Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 626
Entry: A five-foot-tall buffalo pokémon known best for its luxurious mane of hair. The hair itself forms a perfect halo of soft curls that are capable of absorbing damage from almost any attack. Likewise, just as the beard of certain martial artists conceal a third fist with which they may deliver devastating punches, the hair of the bouffalant conceal a rock-hard, horn-like skull plate that adds an incredible amount of power to the species’ already deadly Head Charge attack. Indeed, the glistening, chestnut curls of this creature form the most beautiful hairstyle of any pokémon in existence. It is the hair that puts furfrou’s tamable fur coat to shame and makes milotic’s rainbow-colored scales look utterly dull by comparison. It is the mane of power, and no mere mortal is worthy to gaze upon its magnificence.