The Snover Line

bills-pokedex:

Snover
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 459
Entry: Although this short pokémon strongly resembles a snow-covered tree throughout the year, it is actually highly responsive to the seasons. For one, it migrates: in the warmer months, it migrates to the top of its mountainous habitat to live in the colder climes, whereas during the colder months, it migrates to the food-rich foothills to breed. Likewise, during the spring, just before it makes its journey up the mountain, it sprouts berries the texture of frozen treats all over its belly and chest. … The author highly suggests that you do not put too much thought into the second trait.

Abomasnow
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 460
Entry: The evolved form of snover, by battle experience. These giant snow monsters are known for their reclusiveness and protectiveness towards their own kind. To protect themselves and their newborn snover, they whip up giant blizzards to conceal their location. In that way, their snover may get up and migrate up their mountainous territory in peace. Travelers who wander through these abomasnow-induced blizzards may stumble across what appear to be moving parts of forests. On the negative side, this greatly increases those travelers’ chances of getting horribly lost within the dizzying, bitter-cold storm. ~~On the positive side, such a sight is incredible to behold if the traveler is on the right combination of psychoactive substa~~

Actually, never mind.

Mega Abomasnow
The Frost Tree Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ice
Official Registration #: 460+
Entry: The advanced form of abomasnow, via abomasite. Upon mega evolution, abomasnow not only gains a considerable boost in its ability to command ice and a special ability that calls down hail storms but also a fearsome, quadrupedal appearance and the predilection of defending its mountain territories by charging downhill towards intruders. In other words, abomasnow mega evolves into the living nightmare of anyone unfortunate enough to have played SkiFree.

The Weedle Line

bills-pokedex:

Weedle
The Hairy Bug Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 13
Entry: Weedle uses its sensitive and prominent proboscis to locate and separate its favorite leaves to eat from its least favorite leaves. All weedle have very specific leaf preferences, as well as acute senses of smell in order to sort leaves on the forest floor based on these preferences. If anyone finds this at all strange or unusual, the writer would like to remind his audience that humanity’s own obsession with gardening has resulted in over 7500 different types of tomato, and if you use the wrong type for sauce, your sister who possesses far more culinary talents than you will ever have will ensure that you are painfully aware of what, precisely, each of those 7500 different varieties of tomato are for.

Kakuna
The Cocoon Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 14
Entry: The evolved form of weedle, by battle experience. In this stage of its evolutionary line, kakuna are strictly preparing for evolution and therefore remain nearly immobile. However, it is important to note that “nearly immobile” is not the same as “actually and completely immobile,” and should you accidentally stumble onto an entire tree covered with kakuna, said kakuna will extend their poison barbs through their shells in order to remind you of what that difference is.

Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15
Entry: The evolved form of kakuna, by battle experience. Quite obviously, training a weedle to its beedrill stage takes a lot of determination and audacity. This is not only because the kakuna stage is nearly immobile, therefore requiring a trainer to exert the patience needed to help their kakuna cultivate the experience required for evolution, but also because the resulting beedrill is a fiercely territorial and aggressive creature armed with three potently venomous stingers each measuring a foot long. Trainers who wish to keep beedrill are highly advised to keep healthy stocks of antidotes, pecha berries, and whatever they feel would be best to sedate a three-foot-tall bee that can fly at one’s face at violently high speeds.

Mega Beedrill
The Poison Bee Pokémon
Type: Poison/Bug
Official Registration #: 15+
Entry: The advanced form of beedrill, via beedrillite. Mega evolution forces beedrill to sacrifice their ability to launch distance attacks for a considerable boost in speed and physical strength. To reinforce this trade-off, beedrill gains a more aerodynamic body that’s far more nimble at dodging the trees of its forest habitat than its base form, and its stingers not only grow but also multiply until each individual mega beedrill possesses five razor-sharp stingers each at least a foot long. Strangely, the leader of the Cerulean Gym did not find this as fascinating as the author did.

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381+
Entry: The advanced form of latios, via latiosite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.

Bill… —LH

Hoenn Legendaries, Part III

bills-pokedex:

Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latias live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. Each latias is highly sensitive to human emotions, can understand human speech, communicates telepathically, and possesses coats of reflective down that can alter their appearance or render them invisible. Needless to say, these abilities in combination have caused much romantic confusion in the human race since the latias have first discovered us, and there is, indeed, an internet subculture dedicated to this exact breed of confusion.

Latios
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 381
Entry: One of the legendary dragon guardians of the Soul Dew, an item of mystic power. Unlike most other legendaries, it’s known that latios live in small herds with multiple other latias and latios. These highly intelligent pokémon are capable of flying at mach speeds and telepathically coercing subjects into seeing whatever they see in their minds. Often born alongside a sister latias, latios are generally pacifist in nature … except when their twins “interact” with rather seedy-looking humans, at which point, they often use their considerable abilities to eliminate the perceived threat. Which, honestly, makes latios a pokémon the author can sympathize with greatly.

Mega Latias
The Eon Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Psychic
Official Registration #: 380+
Entry: The advanced form of latias, via latiasite. Contrary to popular belief, the change in this pokémon’s appearance does not indicate a significant boost in speed, nor does it lend any particular aerodynamic quality to the overall pokémon. Instead, it only boosts certain capabilities inherent in this pokémon’s genetic makeup, meaning it becomes even more capable of working in tandem with its sibling species. In other words, the physiological changes merely indicate the heightened ability to work as one unit with a mega latixs’s respective partner.

Kalos Legendaries, Part I

bills-pokedex:

Carbink
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 703
Entry: A small, imp-like pokémon native to the caves of Kalos. Having slept underground for millions of years, the minerals in its body has been tempered by the pressures and temperatures of the earth itself into precious stones, most notably pure diamond. Interestingly enough, despite supposedly being related to a legendary pokémon, carbink are not considered to be legendaries themselves and are in fact fairly common in their native cave systems, which in turn means their diamonds are not particularly rare. In conclusion, for those of you who are interested in female-identifying people, the old saying “diamonds are a girl’s best friend” is terrible advice, but “chocolate is a girl’s best friend” is usually not. Just a friendly tip.

Diancie
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 719
Entry: According to Kalosean myth, this small, princess-like pokémon is the legendary of jewels. As such, it has the power to create diamonds by compressing the carbon in the air around it. Additionally, it is not only said to be the sudden transformation of carbink (through a surge of magical fairy energy), but it is also capable of mega evolving into an even more regal and powerful form. And on that note, the author is sorely tempted to make a reference to magical girls here, but unfortunately, the internet has beaten him to literally every possible one conceivable.

Mega Diancie
The Jewel Pokémon
Type: Rock/Fairy
Official Registration #: 719+
Entry: The advanced form of diancie, via diancite. Despite being a mythical pokémon, diancie has gained a considerable amount of popularity among girls, purely for its magical girl-like mega evolution, and consequently, mega diancie is featured in quite a few Japanese animated cartoons, including and most notably the hugely popular franchise Crystal Knight Mega Diancie. Unfortunately, this also means that mega diancie is considerably popular among certain types of older anime fans, and suffice to say, the author strongly urges one to never look into the Crystal Knight Mega Diancie subreddit.

The Aron Line

bills-pokedex:

Aron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 304
Entry: A small but hefty tank-like pokémon originally discovered in the cave systems of Hoenn. Although these small but docile pokémon typically live deep underground, they thrive on iron and will thus rise to the surface in search of it if underground deposits run dry. In the process, they quickly become destructive forces of nature, capable of destroying anything within their paths easily until they consume the iron they need. They have been known to devour anything containing iron, including railroad tracks, cars, heavy equipment, sensitive research equipment, and more … yet the editor of this blog still considers them to be “cute” and “not at all dangerous” for some reason.

Lairon
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 305
Entry: The evolved form of aron, by battle experience. Aron, a pokémon that typically lives in herds, will congregate into similar herd structures after evolution. These herds typically congregate near mineral-rich underground springs, where they often engage in vicious battles with one another by slamming into each other’s armor, all in preparation for fights against invading pokémon or humans. Unfortunately, because their spring-side habitats tend to be closer to the surface than their nests as aron, they are known to lay waste to even more human-built structures, including mines, tunnels, or mountainside villages. For whatever reason, the editor of this blog thinks lairon is cute too.

Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel/Rock
Official Registration #: 306
Entry: The evolved form of lairon, by battle experience. Upon evolution, aggron will break away from its former herd and roam vast, mountainous territory by itself. A single aggron will claim an entire mountain as its personal territory, and as such, aggron are known to aggressively repel other aggron—even those from its former herd—with incredible feats of violence. Lone aggron are therefore much easier to capture and train, and in fact, aggron are among the strongest pokémon available in the Hoenn region. Their popularity is only helped by the fact that the Hoennian champion, Steven Stone, includes one among his signature team … which, actually, might explain the editor’s predilection towards them.

What are you implying?! —LH

Mega Aggron
The Iron Armor Pokémon
Type: Steel
Official Registration #: 306+
Entry: The advanced form of aggron, via aggronite. Upon mega evolution, aggron loses its affinity for the rock type but gains a considerable boost in defensive and physically offensive capabilities. Some believe that, in conjunction with its own territorial nature and the existence of mega tyranitar, mega aggron is itself proof that there is no higher power in the universe, as clearly, monsters with world-ending abilities and devastating tempers are allowed to exist and be placed in the hands of a species with notoriously questionable levels of judgment. Others believe that this is actually proof that there is a higher power out there and that this higher power is both a pokémon and extremely puzzled that humans have managed to survive for as long as we have.

The editor of this blog, meanwhile, simply believes that a 400-pound armored behemoth with spikes quite literally everywhere and a strong tendency to protect the pristine state of its territory through the most violent means possible is cute.

Edit: Really? Nothing, Lanette? —Bill

Why would I have a comeback? It’s cute, and to be fair, the world could use more sentient tanks to protect the environment. —LH

Sometimes I forget how terrifying you are… —Bill

The Larvitar Line

bills-pokedex:

Larvitar
The Rock Skin Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 246
Entry: A two-foot-tall, dinosaur-like pokémon native to mountainous regions. Although it’s true that larvitar are born underground and eat soil and rocks until they tunnel to the surface, the idea that they eat entire mountains before evolution is entirely false. It just feels as if they do, as larvitar are, on average, almost 160 pounds, and they have a tendency to leap at their unsuspecting trainers when overwhelmed with the need to shower them with affection via a tackling hug.

Pupitar
The Hard Shell Pokémon
Type: Rock/Ground
Official Registration #: 247
Entry: The evolved form of larvitar, by battle experience. During evolution, larvitar encase themselves in a cocoon of rock. This stone shell is as hard and solid as bedrock, so while it fully protects the larvitar inside from any damage, it also constricts its limb movements. However, this doesn’t mean it’s entirely immobile, as pupitar possesses vents all over its body, which allow the highly compressed gases it creates within itself to escape in the form of powerful jets. In fact, these jets can be so powerful that they can propel pupitar wherever it needs to be faster than a number of other pokémon. This is, of course, doubly unfortunate for its trainer, as not only can pupitar launch itself like a rocket in any direction, but it’s also a 335-pound tank of pure destruction … that still enjoys showering its trainers with affection by throwing itself at them.

Tyranitar
The Armor Pokémon
Type: Rock/Dark
Official Registration #: 248
Entry: The evolved form of pupitar, by battle experience. On the positive side, tyranitar do not shower their trainers with affection by throwing themselves at them. On the negative side, tyranitar are highly destructive and aggressive pokémon who possess the ability to flatten miles of forest in seconds and who are constantly on the lookout for new opponents to fight, and tamed tyranitar consider doing both of these things (committing incredible amounts of property damage and fighting literally anything it can find) to be perfectly acceptable methods of showing affection towards their trainers.

Mega Tyranitar
The Armor Pokémon
Type: Rock/Dark
Official Registration #: 248+
Entry: The advanced form of tyranitar, via tyranitarite. On the positive side, achieving mega evolution with a tyranitar is proof that it and its trainer have formed an unbreakable, everlasting bond of friendship between each other. On the negative side, mega tyranitar are significantly faster, bulkier, and more powerful than their un-mega evolved forms, and the point about their generally highly aggressive nature still stands. Best of luck, trainers!

The Mareep Line

bills-pokedex:

Mareep
The Wool Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 179
Entry: A two-foot-tall, sheep-like pokémon native to the fields of Johto. This shy and docile pokémon stores electricity in its fluffy wool. The more electricity it stores, the more its wool puffs out. Eventually, the wool falls off naturally, and at that point, it can be collected and spun. If used immediately, mareep yarn can serve as a handy natural battery for small devices. However, if allowed to discharge its electricity through a grounder over a period of two days, it can be used as an adequate (albeit slightly glowing) substitute for yarn made of sheep wool. It is thus favored by crafters for its brilliant properties, as mareep wool can add shine and glitter to most knitting projects. Such as, for example, a … rather charming autumn sweater a grandmother sends to her grandson who doesn’t have the heart to tell her he hasn’t worn sweaters in years.

Flaaffy
The Wool Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 180
Entry: The evolved form of mareep, by battle experience. A two-and-a-half-foot-tall sheep-like pokémon native to the fields of northern Johto. Also: a sheep half-covered in coarse, electrified wool and half-covered in rubbery, non-conductive skin. Also: apparently what androids dream of, the author has been told.

Ampharos
The Light Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 181
Entry: The evolved form of flaaffy, by battle experience. Although ampharos loses its evolutionary line’s signature wool (except in its mega-evolved form, in which it gains long, flowing locks), it gains a tail tipped with a jewel capable of emitting brilliant light. This light is so bright it can be seen from space if wielded by a healthy (and perhaps angry) ampharos. Knowing this, the people of ancient, seafaring civilizations often used ampharos, both to communicate over long distances and to guide ships around rocky shores. It is therefore one of the few pokémon that has ever guided entire naval fleets using the power of its rear end.

Mega Ampharos
The Light Pokémon
Type: Electric/Dragon
Official Registration #: 181+
Entry: The advanced form of ampharos, via ampharosite. Upon mega evolution, ampharos gains not only an affinity for the dragon element and a boost in power but also a long, luxurious mane of wool. Additionally, it gains the ability Mold Breaker, which some believe is actually the result of the sheer power of the glory of its godly locks.

That is most definitely not true … although yes, ampharos’s mane is rather impressive. —LH

The Slowpoke Line

bills-pokedex:

Slowpoke
The Dopey Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 79
Entry: A sweet sap leaks from the tip of this strange pokémon’s tail. Although mysterious in its production, this sap tastes exactly like a sweeter form of honey and thus is effective in attracting pokémon. Slowpoke frequently use this to their advantage, as the core of their behavior centers around their fishing rituals, in which they flock to the banks of a slow-moving body of water, dip their tails in, and wait for a bite. However, as slowpoke are not the brightest pokémon nor pokémon with the fastest reflexes, they often fail to notice when they get a bite—or, for that matter, much about their environment at all. Which leads into the second fact: that some humans have found that slowpoke tails are not particularly nutritious but are quite frankly fun to chew on. How we as a species discovered this about a creature who is completely incapable of noticing when anything—human or otherwise—is chewing on its tail is probably best left up to one’s imagination.

Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, by battle experience. Or, rather, to be more accurate, slowpoke evolves into slowbro after it gains enough strength to fish in waters where shellder naturally live. This is relevant because it is the shellder that enables a slowpoke to evolve by clamping down on the tip of its tail. However, curiously enough, a slowbro will always revert to a slowpoke when the shellder is removed, which raises several questions about the nature of slowpoke’s evolution. One possible hint to the existence of slowbro as its own pokémon lies in the fact that due to shellder’s hold on slowbro’s tail, the slowbro host can no longer fish and is, therefore, forced to hunt literally by hand. Thus, slowbro is quite possibly not a true evolution but instead what happens when a slowpoke is forced to give up its sheer laziness.

Slowking
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 199
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, when given a king’s rock and traded. It is said that a king’s rock is actually a piece of fossilized shellder that, when traded, reverts back to being a shellder and subsequently bites its companion slowpoke’s head. Upon dual evolution, this shellder then leaks toxins into its host, which breaks down slowking’s literal mental barriers and gives it a drastic boost in intelligence. Given that this means slowking’s intelligence is chemically enhanced, the writer would like to take the time to note to younger readers that drugs do not, in fact, result in intelligence boosts in humans. Just say no, children, and stay in school. Unless you go on a trainer’s journey, at which point never eat mushrooms you can’t identify.

Bill, in case you were still wondering why Fennel won’t leave Amanita with you unless another adult is present to supervise, this. This is why. —LH

Mega Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80+
Entry: The advanced form of slowbro, via slowbronite. Despite the expression on its face; its erratic, spinning battle style; and the fact that it has somehow been nearly completely consumed by its symbiotic shell, mega slowbro does not need assistance. It is trying its best, dear readers. Just … just let it.

Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.