Magikarp and Gyarados

bills-pokedex:

Magikarp
The Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 129
Entry: Harmless.

Update:
Entry: Mostly harmless.

Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 130
Entry: The evolved form of magikarp, by battle experience. Twenty-one-foot-long sea serpent that consists of about 95% teeth and rage. Exercise extreme caution when engaging with this pokémon. Chances are incredibly good that it either hates you or, worse, likes you and would like to show affection with its three rows of foot-long teeth.

Mega Gyarados
The Atrocious Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 130+
Entry: The advanced form of gyarados, via gyaradosite. Twenty-one-foot-long, 675+-pound sea serpent that consists of about 99% teeth and rage, plus a new affinity for the dark type and a power boost that together blind it to everything but its insatiable need to burn everything around it to the ground.

In other words, somewhat harmless.

Kangaskhan

bills-pokedex:

Well. Now that that bit of unpleasantness has been cleared up, let’s continue with a pokémon that this writer has recently been reminded of for reasons that have nothing to do with the last actual entry.

Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115
Entry: A kangaroo-like pokémon consisting of a mother creature and a separate, smaller baby, known within the pokémonology field as a “joey.” Much of the mother pokémon’s life revolves around caring for and violently defending her young, which she always carries in her front pouch. Curiously, this changes upon mega evolution, at which point the joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.

Mega Kangaskhan
The Parent Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 115+
Entry: The advanced form of kangaskhan, via kangaskhanite. Upon mega evolution, a kangaskhan joey leaps from its mother’s pouch to be used as a partner in equally vicious hand-to-hand combat, which indicates that despite the fact that the mother kangaskhan will do anything to protect her joey, said child is actually fully capable of fighting and defending itself. Additionally, unlike other pokémon that are capable of mega evolution, kangaskhan does not undergo any physical transformations beyond the fact that her joey leaves her pouch to add its own power to her attacks. Thus, it is said by experts in evolutionary stones that kangaskhanite is not a true mega stone at all but rather a stone capable of shining a bright light that signals to the joey when to enter the fight. Despite this, kangaskhanite on the collectors’ market can fetch obscenely high prices, indicating the absolute brilliance of either human con artists or kangaskhan that know all too well that their trainers are gullible.

You had a year off from these, Bill. A year. —LH

I know! Isn’t it impressive how much one’s sense of humor can improve with rest? —Bill

No. No to all of this. —LH

Audino

bills-pokedex:

Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 531
Entry: A rabbit-like pokémon native to the fields of Unova. Audino possess not only sensitive ears but also specialized feelers for detecting sound, which in combination gift it with the most sensitive hearing in the pokémon kingdom. As such, audino are typically timid pokémon, but they also make great healers, not only because they have the ability to detect aliments and heartbeats by sound but also because they have a natural inclination towards wanting to cure others. It is thus one of the gentlest pokémon in existence as well as one of the most useful to both trainers and civilians alike … yet most of Unova know it as “the best punching bag to use if you really want to get your pokémon some battle experience.”

Mega Audino
The Hearing Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fairy
Official Registration #: 531+
Entry: The advanced form of audino, via audinite. Upon achieving mega evolution, audino gain a considerable boost in their defensive capabilities, a slight boost in one of their offensive capabilities, an affinity for the fairy element, and an insatiable thirst for vengeance towards humans who only valued them as target practice for their pokémon teams.

I assure you, they do not gain one of those things… —LH

You’re right. Their offensive capabilities don’t really get that much better after mega evolution. —Bill

The Ralts Line

bills-pokedex:

As an apology for our delay in both the response to the last question and our entries as a whole, please accept this special, extra entry for the day. Thank you for your patience. —LH

Ralts
The Feeling Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 280
Entry: A childlike pokémon native to the quieter forests of Hoenn. Because of its ability to sense the emotions of others, it typically avoids contact with anything that is not of the ralts line and is, therefore, extremely rare and difficult to find. However, because of its timidity, its soft but cute cry, and its eagerness to please others (in order to neutralize any negativity that surrounds it), it is also a popular pokémon among children and young adults … which very likely does absolutely nothing to alleviate ralts’s aversion to drama and high doses of extreme emotion.

Kirlia
The Emotion Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 281
Entry: The evolved form of ralts, by battle experience. Although kirlia possesses more mastery over its psychic abilities than its predecessor, it is still prone to being highly affected by the emotions of its trainer. For example, trainers who experience incredible emotions of joy or pride may cause their kirlia to dance with happiness. Trainers suffering through negative emotions will find that their kirlia has become lethargic and depressed. And trainers in the vicinity of other humans they find incredibly attractive will cause their kirlia to ███████

Really, Bill? Really? —LH

Gardevoir
The Embrace Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 282
Entry: The evolved form of kirlia, by battle experience. Only the strongest trainers who form the closest, most loving bonds with their kirlia may see their pokémon evolve to their final, natural forms. Thus, a gardevoir is born out of strong feelings of loyalty, so it stands to reason that gardevoir in general are inherently extremely protective of their trainers. This is true; all observable tamed gardevoir have been known to go to extreme lengths to protect their trainers from any potential threat. Unfortunately for most people, “extreme lengths” may include creating a miniature black hole, and “potential threat” may include literally anyone within five feet of their trainers.

Gallade
The Blade Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 475
Entry: The evolved form of male kirlia, by exposure to dawn stone. Although its sibling evolution results from the incredible bonds formed between a kirlia and another being, this does not mean gallade do not experience similarly intense urges to protect their trainers and loved ones. If anything, their ability to sense the emotions of potential foes, combined with the drive to battle inherent in all fighting-types and extreme fondness for using the swords hidden in their forearms, make them even more gung-ho about protecting the people and pokémon they value the most. Therefore, trainers should be extremely wary about teaching their gallade to attack only on command, rather than any time they sense danger. Well-meaning researchers who intend to give gallade to sisters with questionable tastes in men, however, are free to teach their pokémon whatever they wish.

They aren’t, but good try. —LH

Mega Gardevoir
The Embrace Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fairy
Official Registration #: 282+
Entry: The advanced form of gardevoir, with gardevoirite. Due to this pokémon’s bridal appearance and strong associations with emotion, it’s said that those who manage to mega-evolve their gardevoir in tandem with a partner’s gallade are destined for one another. Unfortunately, the author has yet to verify these claims, as the only person he knows with a member of the ralts line has been a less-than-willing subject.

I’m not evolving my kirlia until he’s ready, just because you want to test the validity of old wives’ tales! Also, you don’t even have a gallade! —LH

Mega Gallade
The Blade Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Fighting
Official Registration #: 475+
Entry: The advanced form of gallade, with galladite. Due to this pokémon’s noble, swordsman-like appearance and strong associations with protection, it’s said that those who manage to mega-evolve their gallade in tandem with a partner’s gardevoir are their partner’s destined protector. Unfortunately, the author has yet to verify these claims, as the only person he knows who could secure a galladite for testing has been forbidden (by the editor of this blog) from selling evolution stones of any sort to him without the reassurance that it’s not for science.

Stop telling Steven you’ve gotten my permission too! —LH

Oranguru and Passimian

Oranguru
The Sage Pokémon
Type: Normal/Psychic
Official Registration #: 765
Entry: These orangutan-like pokémon are of particular interest to pokémon ethologists and paleontologists. This is largely because of its notably human-like behavior. While it often spends its time separated from pokémon and engaging in self-education through meditation, it will sometimes venture down from its home to feed and care for wild pokémon as part of what is apparently a human-like moral obligation. More importantly, oranguru also possess the ability to create and use tools as well as command other pokémon in battles against human trainers. Captive oranguru have even shown the capability of using poké balls, which all in all means that a pokémon uprising is a very real possibility for our future, but the author, for one, would welcome our oranguru overlords.

Passimian
The Teamwork Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 766
Entry: These lemur-like pokémon are of particular interest to pokémon ethologists and paleontologists. For one, scientists have noted that passimian form primitive colonies that very much resemble those of humankind’s own primate cousins and thus, in much the same way, may help pokémonologists understand the origins of the more humanlike pokémon, such as sawk and throh. Second, passimian have been known to make their own tools (namely, the polished coconuts they’re often seen carrying) with an almost humanlike intelligence and level of care, thus intriguing pokémon ethologists on the subject of pokémon sapience. Third, very little else is known about the passimian, as they have a tendency to congregate in groups of ten to thirty specimens, each armed with a polished coconut, to swarm and attack pokémon paleo-ethologists … such as the author.

The Pikipek Line

Pikipek
The Woodpecker Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 731
Entry: A small, woodpecker-like pokémon native to the tropical forests of Alola. It’s best known for using its sharp, hardened beak to drill holes into tree trunks at an incredible rate of sixteen pecks per second. Once drilled, pikipek use these holes to store a variety of things, including berries that it will later feed on or shiny objects that have caught its attention. It also sometimes stores its eggs in these holes after mating but will often leave its nest if an egg falls out of it, a habit rarely displayed by any other bird pokémon. Because it’s such a rare habit, studies have gone into why pikipek will leave a nest and all its contents, including any other egg in it, if an egg falls out, especially given the effort pikipek expends to make such a nest in the first place, but the results are still largely inconclusive. Leading theories include “pikipek literally cannot adjust their nests once a clutch is laid honestly it’s that simple” and “pikipek just really hate themselves and trees and quite possibly also gravity.”

Trumbeak
The Bugle Beak Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 732
Entry: The evolved form of pikipek, by battle experience. This woodpecker pokémon is known for its ability to create a wide variety of calls by modulating its voice and bending its highly flexible beak. While there have been many studies into these calls (particularly in which different calls are recorded, interpreted, and indexed into a trumbeak lexicon), of particular interest to researchers and children alike is the “noot noot” call, which consists of a trumbeak rounding its beak and emitting two short, loud cries. Because of the amusing nature of these calls, a number of trumbeak cartoon characters have emerged since this pokémon’s discovery, all of which communicate primarily with this single call. However, it was only recently discovered that the “noot noot” call is actually a warning cry, as shortly after emitting this call, a trumbeak will often shoot a volley of berry seeds from its rounded beak at any invading human who has haplessly wandered into its line of sight.

Toucannon
The Cannon Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 733
Entry: The evolved form of trumbeak, by battle experience. Contrary to Unovan pop culture and marketing, toucannon does not “follow its nose” to “delicious fruit flavor.” First of all, that nose is actually a beak. Second, it does not so much follow it as heat it up to over 200 degrees Fahrenheit and proceed to smash it into boulders, stubborn fruit, and humans who believe following toucannon will lead them to delicious tropical fruit caches.

Morelull and Shiinotic

Morelull
The Illuminating Pokémon
Type: Grass/Fairy
Official Registration #: 755
Entry: This small, mushroom-like pokémon are why it’s highly inadvisable to go mushroom hunting in Alola (that is, its native region) unless you happen to be an expert mushroom hunter. Specifically, in the darkness of the Alolan jungles, the inedible morelull can easily be mistaken for the highly edible and delicious balm mushroom. There are, of course, two ways to tell morelull and balm mushrooms apart. First, if it’s resting beside a mossy rock, chances are it’s a balm mushroom, whereas if it’s resting at the root of a fruit tree, it’s likely a morelull. Likewise, if it does nothing when you nudge it gently with the toe of your boot, it is likely a balm mushroom. On the other hand, if it begins to glow and spew a cloud of sleep-inducing spores at you, there’s a good chance it’s a morelull.

Shiinotic
The Illuminating Pokémon
Type: Grass/Fairy
Official Registration #: 756
Entry: The evolved form of morelull, by battle experience. The other reason why it’s an ill-advised idea to hunt for balm mushrooms in the jungles of Alola is because morelull are often found in the vicinity of at least one shiinotic, which is not only bigger and more powerful but also is highly predatory and prone to feasting on the energy of any prey it considers to be worthy for consumption, including humans. While an effective form of protection against shiinotic would be the standard flying- or fire-type pokémon that can attack from outside shiinotic’s attack radius, it is often more recommended by locals to bring another mushroom-like pokémon, such as parasect or breloom. Shiinotic are often prone to engaging in territory wars with such pokémon, and thus, they provide an adequate amount of distraction while the seasoned, human mushroom hunter slips away. While one would think this recommendation is due to basic logic (fire and hurricane-force winds are far more destructive than close-range attacks from pokémon that are immune to shiinotic’s Sleep Powder), in actuality, it’s more because Alolan natives, for whatever reason, find the drama and in-fighting between fellow mushroom-like pokémon to be hilarious. (To be fair, they’re right in that regard.)

Dewpider and Araquanid

Dewpider
The Water Bubble Pokémon
Type: Water/Bug
Official Registration #: 751
Entry: A small, diving bell spider-like pokémon native to the tropical region of Alola. It lives primarily underwater and by large bodies of fresh water, using the air bubble on its head to survive. This, of course, means that quite literally nowhere on this planet is safe from bug-type pokémon, which in short means that the author is strongly considering adopting a dewpider or few for the educational benefit of a certain water-type gym leader who adores bug-types just as much as she adores trespassing.

Araquanid
The Water Bubble Pokémon
Type: Water/Bug
Official Registration #: 752
Entry: The evolved form of dewpider, by battle experience. Despite its fierce appearance, it actually cares deeply for pokémon and will often bring smaller ones into its bubble to protect them. However, it is more popularly known for drawing enemies into its bubble to drown them, a misconception born from erroneous observations of araquanid in the wild. Given araquanid’s fierce appearance and its reputation despite its actual behavior, the author is naturally also considering adopting a few for his property.

The Bounsweet Line

Bounsweet
The Fruit Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 761
Entry: The sweetness of this coconut-like pokémon is readily apparent just from its aroma alone. Gifted with a nutty but vaguely citrusy aroma, bounsweet attracts bird- and insect-like pokémon to its nests and allows them to feed off its sugary sweat. This same sweat can also be harvested and consumed by humans, but only after being processed and watered down, as the high sugar content makes the sap nearly inedible raw. Or at least most Alolan natives call this sap “nearly inedible raw.” The author calls this “a challenge.”

Steenee
The Fruit Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 762
Entry: The evolved form of bounsweet, by battle experience. Upon evolution, steenee’s formerly edible sweat becomes virtually inedible to anyone, pokémon or otherwise. This is not because it becomes unappetizingly tasteless and bitter (although, yes, it does that too) and more because the average steenee has a tendency to smash its hard, armor-like shell into anyone who tries to harvest her sap, usually before delivering a hard kick to the offender’s face.

Tsareena
The Fruit Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 763
Entry: The evolved form of steenee, by battle experience, if the subject knows Stomp. A royal pokémon in nature, tsareena can often be seen deep in the jungles of Alola, defending large groups of bounsweet and steenee. Tsareena is a formidable fighter in her own right, capable of delivering powerful kicks to predatory pokémon and anyone else who may be distracted by her enticing scent. However, it is said that touching her crown may render her immobile. Given that final note and the way the internet works, one would assume this entry is going into inappropriate territory, but the truth of the matter is that while it’s true that touching a tsareena’s crown renders her defenseless, the actual period of time she spends in this state is only a few seconds and is often followed up by a kick to the ribs with the force of a sledgehammer.

Fomantis and Lurantis

Fomantis
The Sickle Grass Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 753
Entry: This small, bud-like pokémon is nocturnal in nature, largely because daylight leaves it largely defenseless. During the day, it hides in tall grasses and gathers sunlight for sustenance as it sleeps. However, because fomantis are by and large fragile pokémon, it never stays in the same spot as either it or other fomantis had rested the day before. Rather, every night, each fomantis becomes active, seeking out entirely different areas of refuge to settle into as soon as the sun rises. For the most part, fomantis can go completely undetected, but because of its subtle but enticing aroma, cutiefly have been known to gather around fomantis during the day, thus revealing sleeping fomantis to potential prey. Cutiefly, of course, don’t actually feed off fomantis; they simply enjoy fomantis’s scent … and are also generally vicious, vindictive pokémon.

Lurantis
The Sickle Grass Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 753
Entry: The evolved form of fomantis, by battle experience, when exposed to sunlight. Noted for its beauty (and highly fashionable “pants,” for that matter), lurantis are highly sought-after by collectors, even though it takes a lot of time and effort to maintain its signature vivid coloration. In the wild, lurantis give little thought to their own coloration, opting instead on perfecting their sickle-shaped petals. These petals, when properly honed, can fire beams of sunlight and slice effortlessly through predators that may have harassed them as fomantis … including and especially cutiefly.