Bronzor and Bronzong

Bronzor
The Bronze Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 436
Entry: A reflective pokémon created by the ancient Sinnohans. The markings on its back form an intricate pattern, and its entire body had, at one point, been highly reflective. Given both of these, some researchers believe that bronzor served decorative purposes in temples and the homes of the wealthy. However, the fact that it was imbued with telekinetic abilities, combined with its perfectly flat surface and its prevalence more in wealthy homes than in sacred places, seem to suggest that bronzor would have also made a rather nice floating hors d’oeuvres plate instead. (The ancients, it is said, were highly respectful to natural pokémon. Pokémon they’ve created themselves, however … possibly less so.)

Bronzong
The Bronze Bell Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 437
Entry: The evolved form of bronzor, by battle experience. Bronzong are sacred bell pokémon whose ringing is said to possess the power to open portals and summon rain from other places. Thus, in ancient times, bronzong was worshipped as a spirit of the harvest, and sacrifices were often made to it as a way of encouraging it to summon rain so that villages may have plentiful harvests. In modern times, these pokémon are typically found buried underneath sites that had once been ancient Sinnoah villages, indicating that perhaps not all of their attempts to bring rain were successful.

The Abra Line

Abra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 63
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon of the psychic-type. Due to its incredible psychic power, it requires at least eighteen hours of sleep per day. However, it also has the power to read minds, so when it senses danger or when it is summoned for battle, it is still capable of “reading” its surroundings and using its other moves to protect itself. Unfortunately, the only move it learns naturally is Teleport, and as teaching a pokémon moves via HM or TM requires them to be fully conscious, training an abra may pose difficult for the beginning trainer. On the positive side, it provides many life lessons to trainers who are just starting out from Goldenrod City, which is flanked by two major abra habitats. One of these lessons is, of course, never go out to capture your first pokémon without reading the pokédex first.

Kadabra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 64
Entry: The evolved form of abra, by battle experience. After evolution, a kadabra’s psychic powers grow in strength, and its mastery over its psychic abilities increases, allowing it to learn more techniques and stay awake for longer periods of time. Unfortunately, its powers also cause it to unconsciously emit alpha waves at all times. These alpha waves increase when a kadabra is excited and have a tendency to irrevocably damage sensitive equipment, as well as induce headaches in a nearby human. Because of the latter, it is said that only those with a strong psyche may handle this pokémon … which would be a compliment if the author was a little more prepared for poké puff-related migraines.

Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65
Entry: The evolved form of kadabra, via trading. Upon evolution, a kadabra’s abilities and intelligence grow exponentially, to the point where the average alakazam is said to possess a brain powerful enough to rival a supercomputer. On the downside, because its head grows too heavy for its body to support, an alakazam is constantly exerting its telekinetic powers, which in turn means it is, more than ever, exuding psi energy. Additionally, due to its unusual evolutionary requirements, most trainers will never get to own an alakazam, let alone observe these telekinetic abilities … which on the one hand is a shame but on the other hand is also a blessing for both the author’s research equipment and his head.

Jirachi

It seems we’ve hit a milestone, dear readers. For that, I would like to take the time to thank all of you who have joined me thus far. It’s an honor to be able to share my wealth of information and experiences (…largely experiences) with all of you.

As a gift to you, a special entry, concerning a very special pokémon to my very patient editor. We hope you enjoy!

Jirachi
The Wish Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 385
Entry: A legendary pokémon that, according to Hoennian lore, possesses the power to grant any wish. Many other legends are attached to this particular pokémon, most notably the story of how it will sleep for a thousand years, only to awaken for one week as a particular comet passes over the sky. It is also said that the way to awaken Jirachi from its thousand-year slumber is by singing to it in a voice of purity. The latter is quite possibly a little closer to the truth than the former, as it has been noted that the last time Jirachi has awakened was in 2003, not long after the release of the first solo album by a certain artist who shall remain nameless here but who the rest of the internet seems to know very well. (A hint: Scientists are not entirely certain which song on the album might have awakened Jirachi, but most theories lean towards “Me, Myself & I.”)

Smoochum and Jynx

Smoochum
The Kiss Pokémon
Type: Ice/Psychic
Official Registration #: 238
Entry: A childlike pokémon noted for its extremely sensitive lips. Smoochum possess a high number of nerve endings in their lips, which they use to sense their environments. Much of their behavior revolves around getting close to things that they wish to inspect and giving them a kiss, an act that allows smoochum to take in touch, taste, and smell all at once. This act is also rather unfortunate because smoochum also use their lips to perform the attacks Lick, Sweet Kiss, Lovely Kiss, and Heart Stamp, and as baby pokémon, they have very little control over when their powers are activated.

Jynx
The Human Shape Pokémon
Type: Ice/Psychic
Official Registration #: 124
Entry: The evolved form of smoochum, by battle experience. Jynx are humanoid pokémon whose communicative patterns strongly resemble a combination of the spoken language and interpretive dances of human beings. Because of this, it is thought that jynx may be the first pokémon with whom humanity may one day establish verbal communications. However, all attempts to decipher the jynx language has been rather fruitless for the most part, as most translations of any given recording seem to be strings of expletives concerning “stupid humans on our burial grounds” … which surely must be a mistranslation of some kind.

The Slowpoke Line

Slowpoke
The Dopey Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 79
Entry: A sweet sap leaks from the tip of this strange pokémon’s tail. Although mysterious in its production, this sap tastes exactly like a sweeter form of honey and thus is effective in attracting pokémon. Slowpoke frequently use this to their advantage, as the core of their behavior centers around their fishing rituals, in which they flock to the banks of a slow-moving body of water, dip their tails in, and wait for a bite. However, as slowpoke are not the brightest pokémon nor pokémon with the fastest reflexes, they often fail to notice when they get a bite—or, for that matter, much about their environment at all. Which leads into the second fact: that some humans have found that slowpoke tails are not particularly nutritious but are quite frankly fun to chew on. How we as a species discovered this about a creature who is completely incapable of noticing when anything—human or otherwise—is chewing on its tail is probably best left up to one’s imagination.

Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, by battle experience. Or, rather, to be more accurate, slowpoke evolves into slowbro after it gains enough strength to fish in waters where shellder naturally live. This is relevant because it is the shellder that enables a slowpoke to evolve by clamping down on the tip of its tail. However, curiously enough, a slowbro will always revert to a slowpoke when the shellder is removed, which raises several questions about the nature of slowpoke’s evolution. One possible hint to the existence of slowbro as its own pokémon lies in the fact that due to shellder’s hold on slowbro’s tail, the slowbro host can no longer fish and is, therefore, forced to hunt literally by hand. Thus, slowbro is quite possibly not a true evolution but instead what happens when a slowpoke is forced to give up its sheer laziness.

Slowking
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 199
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, when given a king’s rock and traded. It is said that a king’s rock is actually a piece of fossilized shellder that, when traded, reverts back to being a shellder and subsequently bites its companion slowpoke’s head. Upon dual evolution, this shellder then leaks toxins into its host, which breaks down slowking’s literal mental barriers and gives it a drastic boost in intelligence. Given that this means slowking’s intelligence is chemically enhanced, the writer would like to take the time to note to younger readers that drugs do not, in fact, result in intelligence boosts in humans. Just say no, children, and stay in school. Unless you go on a trainer’s journey, at which point never eat mushrooms you can’t identify.

Bill, in case you were still wondering why Fennel won’t leave Amanita with you unless another adult is present to supervise, this. This is why. —LH

Hey Bill, do you have anything on the Wobbuffet line? Mine’s been acting up recently and addressing the blue part doesn’t seem to be working. Is the brain in the tail like the conspiracy theorist say?

Well. I admit I’m not entirely certain how best to advise you here, as “acting up” for a wobbuffet can mean a wide variety of things, ranging from its usual lethargy to mating season. Does your wobbuffet sway back and forth and emit cries that sound eerily like Tom Jones’s “It’s Not Unusual”? If not, then at the very least, we can rule out mating season. Otherwise:

Wynaut
The Bright Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 360
Entry: A small, doll-like pokémon best known for three things: its constant smile, its habit of pushing up against solid objects and other wynaut in order to build strength, and its adoration of sweet fruit. The term “bright” pokémon is additionally a bit misleading. To put it in brief, the other thing wynaut is known for is its cry; to people of certain languages, it sounds like a phrase that can be translated into, “Really?”—which in turn has been interpreted as the concept of questioning and meditating on all that is. That, combined with its perpetual smile, its penchant for expressing “affection,” and all the other aforementioned traits, have led certain cultures to view this pokémon as a philosophical ideal—and thus, the incarnation of a vastly sage guru. In truth, wynaut are not particularly bright pokémon at all. Rather, because of their love for sweet fruits, they have a tendency to consume vast quantities of overripe and fermenting berries, and thus, their serene, sage-like behavior is better attributed to a state of perpetual drunkenness.

Wobbuffet
The Patient Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 202
Entry: The evolved form of wynaut, via battle experience. The blue portion of wobbuffet’s body, while containing a brain and several vital organs, is actually mostly hollow, balloon-like, and highly resistant to damage. (It is, in fact, quite true that the brain of a wobbuffet is actually located in its nerve-packed tail.) Wobbuffet use this to their advantage, as their entire battle strategy involves inflating their blue, balloon-like bodies, taking hits, and retaliating with psi blasts equal to double the amount of damage they endure. As wobbuffet are docile and will refuse to attack unless their opponent attacks first and as wobbuffet’s primary ability prevents them from leaving a battle once it begins, two wobbuffet facing off against one another will tenaciously stand and wait until their opponent passes out from starvation. It is for this reason that trainers who keep wobbuffet should be warned that intentionally attempting to battle another trainer’s wobbuffet is an easy and fantastic way to lose your trainer’s license.

Inkay and Malamar

Inkay
The Revolving Pokémon
Type: Dark/Psychic
Official Registration #: 686
Entry: Despite its name and the fact that it strongly resembles a squid, inkay is completely incapable of using ink as a defensive mechanism. Rather, it is equipped with a wide range of telekinetic and mesmeric powers, most notably the ability to generate strobe-like flashing lights from its spots. Yet strangely enough, inkay is not famous for its ability but rather its unusual evolution method: by battle experience, when turned upside-down. Because many trainers strive to achieve this evolution manually and because inkay, like many creatures, is not prone to cooperating when forcibly turned the wrong side up, many trainer injuries and hilarious internet videos have resulted from attempts to train this species of pokémon.

Malamar
The Overturning Pokémon
Type: Dark/Psychic
Official Registration #: 687
Entry: The evolved form of inkay, by battle experience if the subject is turned upside-down at the time. Malamar is a tall, squid-like pokémon that possesses strong tentacles and dazzling lights. It is most known for using the lights to hypnotize its prey and lure it close enough to ensnare with its tentacles. Once it ensnares its prey, it either douses them with digestive fluids or brainwashes them into doing their bidding. Given malamar’s habits of entrancing and ensnaring prey that it either puppeteers or devours alive, it should come as no surprise to anyone that when the writer says “it is most known for,” he means “within very unusual subcultures on the internet.”

Kanto Legendaries, Part II

Mewtwo
The Genetic Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 150
Entry: According to conspiracy theorists, a shady organization attempted to create the ultimate weapon by combining the DNA of Mew with several other pokémon and subjecting the result to torturous training methods. The writer, of course, cannot confirm nor deny that this is true, as technically, he is not supposed to know all of this. The only reason why he does is because he gave a certain amount of bitcoin to certain people who own certain deep web websites for the sake of science, and the only reason why he is publishing all of this is, frankly, because being targeted by shady underground organizations sounds like a far better way to spend a weekend than by going to the Pokémon League’s annual formal gala aboard the S.S. Anne.

Mew
The New Species Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 151
Entry: A godlike feline pokémon said to inhabit the mountains of South America. According to legend, Mew wields incredible powers, including psychokinesis, invisiblity, and the ability to learn hundreds of moves. Scientists, in an attempt to explain the latter, have mapped out Mew’s genetic code based on a sample taken from a fossil, and in doing so, they have found that Mew shares a varying percentage of DNA with every pokémon in existence. This last fact becomes less impressive, however, when one stops to realize first that this in no way explains how Mew can learn hundreds of different moves … and second that humans share 50% of their DNA with nanab berries, so it seems rather moot anyway.

Love what you’re doing here. Would you consider doing an entry for Natu and Xatu? They’re one of my favorite underappreciated ‘mons. :D

Thank you! Terribly sorry for the delay. Natu and xatu are indeed fascinating pokémon.

Natu
The Tiny Bird Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Flying
Official Registration #: 177
Entry: As expected, natu is a tiny, bird-like pokémon known for its unblinking stare. It is said that natu are, indeed, constantly staring into the future, so its wide-eyed stare actually comes from the fact that it is not entirely paying attention to you as you stare at it but instead your future. This, combined with its underdeveloped wings, means natu is fairly easy to capture, as it will always be caught off-guard by your attempts to throw poké balls at it, and for it, escaping consists of hopping awkwardly away from you. Why it doesn’t simply notice that you’re about to capture it as it stares into your future (or why it never acts on any indication that you capture it) is still a complete mystery to the topmost scientists in the field of psychic pokémon research.

Xatu
The Mystic Pokémon
Type: Psychic/Flying
Official Registration #: 178
Entry: The evolved from of natu, by battle experience. Xatu is a large, four-foot-tall bird pokémon valued in various native South American cultures for its ability to see both the past and the future simultaneously—which, according to the peoples of that continent, explains why it constantly stares unflinchingly into the sun. While the ability to see both the past and the future simultaneously is indeed a useful ability, it has the nasty side effect of blinding a xatu to the present. Literally. Staring into the sun is generally a bad idea, and this writer would like to emphasize this point to any impressionable youth who may be reading this.

Hi Bill, I’d love to hear about your research on the Espurr line, especially any notes you have on the differences between male and female Meowstic. Thank you!

Certainly!

Espurr
The Restraint Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 677
Entry: Espurr release psychic waves from organs hidden beneath their ears. These psychic waves are incredibly potent and capable of destroying anything within a 300-foot radius of itself, yet curiously, the only thing stopping it from doing so is literally its ears. The fact that it is known as “the restraint pokémon” seems to be either a misunderstanding or a sardonic note on behalf of a particularly terrible researcher, although recent studies have shown that the expression on its face is not blank but rather a strained expression of raw panic. In short, handle with care.

Meowstic (male)
The Constraint Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 678
Entry: The evolved form of male espurr, by battle experience. Although technically the same species, meowstic display a fascinating form of gender dimorphism. Whereas female meowstic are developed to be more noticeable and aggressive, male meowstic are armed with dark fur and several abilities capable of disabling or hindering its opponents. In other words, stray male meowstic are not meant to be seen whenever they rob you blind and leave you disarmed and incapable of defending yourself in the rougher neighborhoods of Lumiose City.

Meowstic (female)
The Constraint Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 678
Entry: The evolved form of female espurr, by battle experience. Although technically the same species, meowstic display a fascinating form of gender dimorphism. The female meowstic in particular possess a bright, white coat and several showy, powerful offensive abilities, both of which make females highly visible and noticeable. In this writer’s opinion, this is a rather handy fact, as it’s nice to see the highly territorial female meowstic coming after you after their male counterparts rob you blind in a Lumiose back alley. This will not save you from taking a Charge Beam in the chest purely because you happen to be in what they consider to be their territory, but when you find yourself in a back alley, one less surprise is a certain comfort.