The Pidgey Line

{Short note of explanation: The following is a complete rewrite of the pidgey line’s pokédex entries, rather than simply an entry for mega pidgeot. This probably won’t be a common thing but rather just a thing that might happen from time to time with the least funny entries. Sorry! Carry on!}

Pidgey
The Tiny Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 16
Entry: A small, extremely common bird-like pokémon native to Kanto. This pokémon is popular among younger trainers, not only for how easy it is to catch and train but also because humans apparently take delight in calling a nearly direct descendant of the majestic dinosaur pokémon “birb,” “smol boi,” and/or “four pounds of whoop-[EXPLETIVE].”

Pidgeotto
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 17
Entry: The evolved form of pidgey, by battle experience. The crest on its head is a set of feathers that help stabilize this pokémon during high-speed flight. However, the author will not discourage anyone from assuming that they are “leafs” that pidgeotto “wears on its head to enhance its beauties.”

Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18
Entry: The evolved form of pidgeotto, by battle experience. The author can neither confirm nor deny whether or not this pokémon would sell its trainers to Giratina for one corn chip, but he can say it’s more likely for pidgeot to do it than honchkrow.

Mega Pidgeot
The Birb Pokémon
Type: Normal/Flying
Official Registration #: 18+
Entry: The advanced form of pidgeot, via pidgeotite. This bird-like pokémon keeps itself in the air by sheer force of anger alone. You may think the author is quoting yet another bird-themed meme, but actually, no, that is a literal and scientifically accurate statement.

The Beldum Line

bills-pokedex:

Beldum
The Iron Ball Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 374
Entry: A magnetic pokémon rare in but native to the mountains of Hoenn and Sinnoh. It uses its magnetism to move and communicate with other beldum, both of which are essential to it, as its movepool is limited. More specifically, until evolution, beldum only learn one move naturally: Take Down, a devastating physical move in which it rams itself into its opponent, dealing damage to both itself and its target. As an aside, given the shape of this pokémon and the aforementioned fact, it is worth it to note that “rams itself into its opponent” is also not a euphemism, Bebe, and quite frankly, the author is horrified by the fact that anyone thinks it would be.

Metang
The Iron Claw Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 375
Entry: The evolved form of beldum, by battle experience. When two beldum become very close, their magnetism draws them closer together until they fuse at the head to form a larger, faster, and stronger pokémon gifted with a higher sense of enlightenment and intelligence. To answer Bebe’s question, no, this is not a metaphor, nor is this an accurate description of how certain organs the author and people like him would work during any sort of biological function outside of terribly written and highly bizarre slash fanfiction.

Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376
Entry: The evolved form of metagross, by battle experience. Much akin to beldum evolution, metagross form when two metang fuse. The resulting pokémon is not only physically and magically powerful (in that it is capable of launching both devastating physical attacks and devastating psychic attacks) but also highly intelligent. The combined brains of the constituent metang work in unison, allowing the metagross’s brain as a whole to function as a highly efficient supercomputer. …This, of course, is what makes metagross interesting, not the first thing in this entry, yet the author’s Sinnohan colleague is writing the fanfiction anyway.

Mega Metagross
The Iron Leg Pokémon
Type: Steel/Psychic
Official Registration #: 376+
Entry: The advanced form of metagross, via metagrossite. As a result of the power surge from mega evolution, this already fiercely intelligent and extremely powerful pokémon becomes a veritable force of nature on the battlefield. That is to say, mega metagross combines newly sharpened intellect with incredible offensive capabilities to engage in battles so brutal and strategically destructive that opponents—and stadiums—are often rendered utterly out of commission for weeks. Another interesting fact: mega metagross is the signature mega evolution of the champion of Hoenn, Steven Stone. Just … as an unrelated side note that in no way is relevant to the author’s partner.

I can’t tell if you’re trying to dissuade me from having an entirely platonic relationship with Steven because you’re jealous of him or of me. —LH

I don’t see how any part of that could possibly indicate that I’m at all jealous of either of you. —Bill

…okay, maybe I’m a little jealous of you. How did you manage to get invited to coffee with him anyway?! I’ve been talking to him about rare stones and pokémon for years, and we’re barely on a first-name basis! —Bill

A girl has her secrets. 😉 —LH

Grimer and Muk

bills-pokedex:

Grimer
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 88
Entry: Born from polluted rivers, this pokémon’s body consists entirely of highly toxic sludge. It consequently thrives on pollution, and as such, it flocks to polluted waterways, where it has been known to clog up entire sewer systems in its zeal to consume raw waste. Despite all of this, grimer populations are considered to be the most prevalent in Kanto and Hoenn, home to two of the most aggressive green campaigns in the world, despite the fact that other regions historically had difficulties with pollution, are centers of mining and manufacturing, and are currently so polluted that their environment has given birth to sentient garbage bags.

Muk
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 89
Entry: The evolved form of grimer, by battle experience. Like its preevolved form, a muk’s body also consists entirely of a highly toxic sludge. However, due to its increase in mass, power, and age with evolution, muk is able to cultivate highly powerful strains of bacteria and viruses that infest every inch of its skin. Physical contact with this pokémon can kill plants and smaller or weaker animals on contact … which should speak volumes about the resilience of pokémon researchers and their assistants as a whole, considering the fact that certain muk express affection via alarmingly frequent tackling.

Grimer (Alola form)
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison/Dark
Official Registration #: 88
Entry: This sludge-like pokémon actually descends from grimer imported from Kanto. Decades ago, when Alola was facing a pollution crisis, the regional government took notice of how grimer consume waste and attempted to bring in a small but tame population to consume the considerable amounts of garbage clogging Alolan streets. Naturally, some of these grimer escaped and reproduced, and over generations, they mutated to match their comparatively less toxic food sources (that is, compared to the diets of standard grimer) … as well as the psychic and steel predators also brought in to handle the out-of-control grimer population. Long story short, this is exactly why: A) there are infestations of grimer, abra, and magnemite in certain parts of Alola, and B) coming up with good ideas should not be left to people in politics.

Muk (Alola form)
The Sludge Pokémon
Type: Poison/Dark
Official Registration #: 89
Entry: The evolved form of the Alolan variation of grimer, by battle experience. Despite its fangs and sharp spikes, this highly colorful pokémon is actually sweeter, gentler, and far less fragrant than its standard cousins. Additionally, its skin is comparatively clean, making it safe to touch. However, contrary to popular belief, it’s often a bad idea to hug one unless you’re experienced with training this variation of muk, as both its bodily fluids and its spikes are highly toxic. Naturally, considering the toxicity of certain parts of its body, combined with its vivid coloration and docile nature as well as the Alolans’ general ability to make sound decisions, most residents of Alola consider their variation of muk to be a highly popular mascot for children’s programming and products.

Meditite and Medicham

bills-pokedex:

Meditite
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 307
Entry: In order to heighten its spiritual and physical strength, this monkey-like pokémon undergoes rigorous training in mountainous areas. This training involves extreme methods such as meditating for hours and consuming only one berry a day. It should be noted that this sort of exercise is extremely taxing on the body and should not be undertaken by any unprepared human trainers seeking to attain enlightenment alongside their meditite partners.

Are you speaking from experience, Bill? Because to be fair, there’s a difference between this and forgoing basic physical needs to write your senior thesis. —LH

What difference would that be? —Bill

Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308
Entry: The evolved form of meditite, by battle experience. Through years of hardcore meditation and extended periods of near starvation, this pokémon is able to develop both telekinetic and aura-viewing powers. It is said that the closer it gets to spiritual enlightenment by denying itself earthly pleasures—including food—the easier it is for a medicham to view auras in the form of brilliantly colored lights.

Oh, much like you what you were experiencing by the end of finals week. I stand corrected. —LH

At least I passed. —Bill

According to our proctors, yes. According to the ER physician, no. —LH

Mega Medicham
The Meditate Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Psychic
Official Registration #: 308+
Entry: The advanced form of medicham, via medichamite. Thanks to the boost in power from mega evolution, combined with its years of intense training, mega medicham is able to achieve a form that grants it a set of spectral hands. These hands grow increasingly more corporeal the more meditation and training the medicham has had, until it gains at least two sets of perfectly functioning hands with which to fight or, well, work. That is to say, mega medicham is one of the few pokémon that become more efficient with a combination of sleep deprivation and lack of self-care, which is a feat that the author envies just a little.

If it makes you feel any better, the reason why Brigette and I dragged you to the hospital that one time was because you were so sleep-deprived you thought you actually had more than one set of hands… —LH

Fair point. But now that I think about it, I could probably achieve the same results as a mega medicham through more practical methods. —Bill

I really hope you’re not about to suggest something involving your teleporter and a sample of medicham DNA. —LH

I was actually thinking of machamp DNA, but if you’re going to be like that about it… —Bill

Poipole and Naganadel

Poipole
The Poison Pin Pokémon
Type: Poison
Official Registration #: 803
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. A native to a dimension populated by humans, poipole is the only Ultra Beast known to be popular enough to be used as a starter pokémon within its world, much like pikachu. It is also as capricious and mischievous as it is cute, and it’s known for attacking innocent researchers who approach it purely out of curiosity … also much like pikachu.

Bill … what did you do to pikachu? —LH

It was a pikachu, and literally nothing! —Bill

Somehow, I find that hard to believe… —LH

Naganadel
The Poison Pin Pokémon
Type: Poison/Dragon
Official Registration #: 804
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Also the evolved form of poipole, by battle experience, if the subject knows Dragon Pulse. This massive, syringe-like dragon is known for storing gallons of toxic, highly adhesive fluids in its bulbous torso and spraying it from its giant stinger as a self-defense mechanism. The author would make a joke about any of this, but frankly, he’s above that.

Buneary and Lopunny

bills-pokedex:

Buneary
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 427
Entry: A foot-tall, rabbit-like pokémon native to temperate forests. It’s easy to determine the mood of a buneary by its body language, particularly regarding its ears. If its ears are relaxed and extended (particularly if this is coupled with a “flop,” or an act in which the buneary dramatically flips onto its side), then the buneary feels safe, loved, and relaxed, and it’s fine to engage with it. If, however, the buneary is tense, drawing its entire body up into a ball, and curling its ears, then it feels threatened, and a human should approach with caution. Certainly, it may seem odd that the author would advise caution when approaching anything so small and adorable, but it’s worth it to note that buneary are capable of extending their ears in lightning-fast punches capable of shattering boulders … and that the human nose and jaw are far, far less resilient than a boulder.

Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 428
Entry: The evolved form of buneary, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. This tall, slender rabbit pokémon has delicate, sensitive ears and long, powerful legs. If one touches their ears, lopunny will lash out with strong kicks. Additionally, these pokémon are cautious to the extreme, and they will often hide behind their long, elegant ears when they sense danger. Between the length of their legs and the sensuous poses they need to strike in order to hide themselves behind their ears, the author would like to take this particular moment to remind his readers that lopunny are rabbit-like pokémon and that if this doesn’t change the thought processes of those of you who know who they are, the author would prefer it if you didn’t tell him.

Mega Lopunny
The Rabbit Pokémon
Type: Normal/Fighting
Official Registration #: 428+
Entry: The advanced form of lopunny, via lopunnite. Mega evolution doesn’t just imbue lopunny with an affinity for the fighting element; it also causes lopunny’s personality to change drastically. Whereas lopunny’s base form tends to be shy and docile unless cornered, mega lopunny is extremely combative and aggressive, known for beating any opponent within reach with either its long, whip-like ears or its equally long, extremely strong legs. There are a number of theories as to why mega evolution causes lopunny’s personality to change in this manner, but frankly, the author is particularly fond of the one that has to do with the entry for its base form listed above.

Riolu and Lucario

bills-pokedex:

Riolu
The Emanation Pokémon
Type: Fighting
Official Registration #: 447
Entry: Riolu have the ability to read the emotions of others as well as communicate its own emotions via aura. Yet it is a fighting-type, the single most likely type to engage in physical combat and thus the most likely type to endure great physical injury. For this reason, the riolu’s empathic abilities may be among the most counterproductive powers among the pokémon kingdom. However, at the very least, it should be a comfort for riolu trainers to know that the state will typically pay for any service a Nurse Joy provides, including mental counseling as a result of being in close proximity to a fighting-type that translates its pain into horrific light patterns.

Lucario
The Aura Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Steel
Official Registration #: 448
Entry: The evolved form of riolu, in response to both levels of sunlight and closeness with its trainer. Well-trained lucario have the abilities to sense the aura of all living things, understand human speech, read the thoughts and emotions of those whose auras they sense, channel aura into projectiles and weapons, execute extraordinary feats of physical prowess, and roll over and play dead for biscuits. This is why lucario are the second most popular pokémon on any given video sharing website, next to the members of the skitty line.

Mega Lucario
The Aura Pokémon
Type: Fighting/Steel
Official Registration #: 448+
Entry: The advanced form of lucario, via lucarionite. Upon mega evolution, lucario’s aura-based powers increase in potency. In proportion to this, this pokémon’s aura-sensing appendages on either side of its head increase in length, separate, and move seemingly at will in ways that many people liken to tentacles. Consequently, with the combination of its tentacle-like, aura-sensing appendages and its bipedal, dog-like form, mega lucario has become popular in many internet-based fan circles … namely because it’s even more amusing when it rolls over and plays dead for biscuits. (Honestly, readers, what were you thinking I was referring to?)

Pikachu

bills-pokedex:

Pichu
The Tiny Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 172
Entry: Trainers take caution—although cute and the first stage in a line of formidable battlers, pichu do not have a full mastery over their electrical powers until evolution. This is not to say that they aren’t that strong. On the contrary: they have the ability to generate voltages on par with their evolved forms. What they cannot do is avoid releasing said voltage when startled, happy, or simply standing in an empty room doing absolutely nothing, and suffice to say, this is why many of the reports of electrocution among Johtonians have to do with this very pokémon.

Pikachu
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 25
Entry: The evolved form of pichu, in response to closeness with its trainer. Due to its adorable appearance, its intelligence, and its penchant for doing tricks for treats, pikachu has become an extremely popular choice for a pet. However, should you wish to keep one, never forget that pikachu are still potentially dangerous electric rodents. This is not just a note concerning its ability to generate thousands of volts of electricity, nor is it simply a warning concerning its tendency to release electricity during thunderstorms or upon waking up each morning. It is also a note that this rodent can and will chew through wires if left unattended, and chargers compatible with Leppa-brand laptops run anywhere from ¥3500 to ¥9400 each.

Raichu
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 26
Entry: The evolved form of pikachu, by exposure to thunder stone. A raichu’s tail acts as its grounding wire. When a raichu stores too much electricity in its electrical sacs, it plants its tail and discharges electricity directly into the ground. This is vital to the well-being of an individual raichu, as not only do they gather electricity from their surroundings, but they also grow increasingly aggressive as their electrical stores grow. In that sense, a raichu is much like a drunken relative on Christmas, the sort who gets increasingly offensive the more alcohol he consumes until he needs to be escorted to a safe room to discharge a long and barely intelligible rant. …Not that this writer has seen his father do any of this at any point in his life.

Raichu (Alola form)
The Mouse Pokémon
Type: Electric/Psychic
Official Registration #: 26
Entry: The evolved form of pikachu, by exposure to thunder stone within the region of Alola. It’s said that the catalyst that enables a pikachu to attain this rounder, more spiritually-inclined form upon evolution is the consumption of Alolan pancakes, which are fluffier and spicier than any other pancake in the world. If this seems at all ridiculous to you, reader, then clearly, you have yet to try Alolan pancakes. They are, in the author’s opinion, an experience.

For the record, Bill is referring to literal pancakes. —LH

Of course. The figurative sort of pancake people from Goldenrod know about is the Unovan pancake, which, I assure you, I have never tried. —Bill

Well, that’s shocking. —LH

…no pun intended, oh my God, Bill. —LH

Zeraora

Zeraora
The Thunderclap Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 807
Entry: Although it isn’t actually the god or guardian of anything, unlike many other legendary beings, it is still renowned for both its power and viciousness. It is known for lunging at opponents from seemingly nowhere at blinding speeds, wreathed in lightning, to utterly eviscerate its targets with a combination of lightning-fast hand-to-hand combat techniques, mystical powers, and sheer brute force. Yet despite the amount of violence it displays, it still has gained a mass of devoted fans throughout the world, seemingly overnight.

Now that the author has gotten that lengthy and unsolicited tangent about half the cast of Rayquazaball Z off his chest, Zeraora is an aggressive, cat-like mythical pokémon supposedly native to the region of Alola.

Rockruff and Lycanroc

bills-pokedex:

Rockruff
The Puppy Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 744
Entry: Thought to be the cousin of growlithe, this small, puppy-like pokémon possesses very much the same disposition. It is highly loyal, and it’s very fond of humans. As such, it’s considered one of the easier pokémon for beginning trainers to start off with, as its loyal and agreeable disposition make it easy to teach rockruff new tricks. For this reason, rockruff is also generally considered to be a Good Dog.

Lycanroc (Midday Form)
The Wolf Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 745
Entry: The evolved form of rockruff, by battle experience, if trained during the day. Exposing rockruff to sunlight during its evolution causes it to evolve into a quadrupedal form of lycanroc. This form retains a lot of the same loyalty and agreeable disposition as its preevolved form, and as such, this pokémon is considered to be a stalwart battler and excellent companion. However, be warned: while it normally uses the sharp rocks around its collar as weapons, some retain the tendency to rub these rocks against their trainers as a form of affection. Considering the fact that these rocks can grow to be a foot long and roughly as sharp as knives, this may result in unfortunate mishaps. Nonetheless, this form of lycanroc is still generally considered to be a Good Dog.

Lycanroc (Midnight Form)
The Wolf Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 745
Entry: The evolved form of rockruff, by battle experience, if trained during the night. Allowing rockruff to evolve under the cover of night causes it to assume a more violent, impulsive form. While this form of lycanroc loses its rocky collar, it gains a hard head, which it uses to smash its opponents into submission after it goads them into attacking. Well aware of its boots in power, midnight lycanroc actively seeks opponents and will attack without being ordered to, rendering this form of lycanroc highly difficult to tame and train. However, despite the comparative difficulties of training this form (as opposed to rockruff or midday lycanroc), midnight lycanroc is not considered to be a Bad Dog but rather a Not Quite Great But Still Pretty All Right Dog.

Lycanroc (Dusk Form)
The Wolf Pokémon
Type: Rock
Official Registration #: 745
Entry: The evolved form of rockruff, by battle experience, if trained at dusk (if the subject’s ability is Own Tempo). When exposed to the fading light of dusk, some rockruff may evolve into a quadrupedal form that is, in many ways, the midpoint between midnight and midday lycanroc. Not only is it physically very much like a midpoint between these two forms (quadrupedal like the midday form but also covered with spikes similar to midnight’s), but also, its disposition is a rather unpredictable mix of midday’s calmness and midnight’s aggression. Yet despite this, lycanroc’s dusk form is not known for being a Good Dog or a Bad Dog or even a Not Quite Great But Still Pretty All Right Dog. Instead, it’s known for being a Cheeto Dog … because of its orange pelt. Because that’s just how the internet works.