Stakataka
The Rampart Pokémon
Type: Rock/Steel
Official Registration #: 805
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Although scientists consider it to be the heaviest known rock-type, it’s actually a colonial organism consisting of dozens if not hundreds of individual brick-like creatures stacked one on top of the other. However, the specific configuration they create maximizes their defensive potential, allowing them to withstand the toughest of blows and still stand tall and strong. For this reason, the author is told, it is often paired with gumshoos … although the relevance of any of this to gumshoos is, frankly, lost on the author.
Tag: queued
Houndour and Houndoom
Houndour
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 228
Entry: A small, dog-like pokémon native to thick, dark forests. Interestingly, although this pokémon is part of the Johtonian Regional Pokédex, it was first discovered in Kanto and cannot, in truth, be found at all in Johto outside of the Johtonian Safari Zone Nature Preserve. The reason behind this discrepancy is actually quite simple. Houndour hunt in massive packs through the darkness of their native forests, where their pelts can blend in with forest shadows as they corner prey, and Kantonian researchers possess far stronger self-preservation instincts than their Johtonian counterparts.Houndoom
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 229
Entry: The evolved form of houndour, by battle experience. This dog-like pokémon is capable of exhaling a jet of fire and a spray of incendiary, highly caustic, toxic chemicals at the same time. The effect of these two mechanisms in combination leaves not only second-degree thermal burns (at the minimum) but severe chemical burns as well. According to folklore, anyone unfortunate enough to receive these burns will never fully recover; the burn will essentially be painful forever. However, this is not necessarily true. With proper care, the pain will typically subside within a week, and the resulting scar will fade within a year. On the other hand, not necessarily true isn’t the same thing as entirely false. First, one must remember that centuries ago, back when people first began to think this about houndoom burns, treatments for burns that complex or severe didn’t exist. Second, psychological pain is never a thing that heals easily, and some survivors of houndoom attacks may acquire a fear of houndoom thereafter. Third, either way, being burned by a houndoom feels just about as delightful as being attacked by a swarm of angry magikarp, and based on personal experience alone, the author would not recommend it.
Mega Houndoom
The Dark Pokémon
Type: Dark/Fire
Official Registration #: 229+
Entry: The advanced form of houndoom, via houndoominite. This pokémon is actually a “good fire doggo.” The internet was surprisingly correct about this one, and there’s not much more to say concerning it beyond that.
The Mudkip Line
Mudkip
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 258
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, amphibious pokémon native to Hoennian rivers. It uses its large head fin to sense the flow of water and its large back fin to propel itself through turbulent currents with surprising power for its size. Likewise, the large gills on its cheek allow it to breathe even in the murkiest, muddiest depths, and its physical strength alone allows it to pick up and push boulders along river bottoms. In general, mudkip is a fascinating pokémon, and this is because the species itself carries a number of interesting qualities, not because someone “herd u liek it.”Marshtomp
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 259
Entry: The evolved form of mudkip, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon primarily native to rivers and banks, marshtomp had to develop strong, bulky legs to compensate for the fact that its habitat lacks stable footing. Thus, marshtomp is capable of literally standing through even the fiercest earthquakes, the likes of which routinely plague its volcanic home region of Hoenn. A less composed young researcher would likely say that marshtomp has had the foresight to “not skip leg day,” but luckily, the writer is not the storage system administrator of Sinnoh.Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260
Entry: The evolved form of marshtomp, by battle experience. Never let its seemingly cute species name fool you. In actuality, swampert is a four-foot-tall mass of pure, sea-tempered muscle. It is powerful enough to tow ships to shore, rend boulders in two with one swipe of its bulky arms, swim against the current of stormy waves, dive to the depths of the Hoennian sea, and spew jets of water that can tear holes in the hull of the ships it had towed to shore at the beginning of this list. About the only thing cute about it is the fact that it still wears a perpetual grin and enjoys belly rubs and literally sucking down insect prey, just like its ancestral cousin, quagsire.
Mega Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260+
Entry: The advanced form of swampert, via swampertite. Mega swampert is the only starter that doesn’t change drastically in terms of physiology or elemental affinity upon mega evolution. It simply becomes more muscular and adept at punching things … which is why it’s perhaps a bad idea to imply its mega evolution isn’t as interesting as its peers’ while it’s within earshot.
The Treecko Line
Treecko
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 252
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. This small gecko pokémon is famous for its calm disposition, which makes it an ideal partner for a beginning trainer. It is said that absolutely nothing shakes it, not even the rage of a forest fire. This, of course, is not entirely true. The calm demeanor it displays at all times actually hides abject panic and other extreme forms of emotion … which, given the fact that trainers routinely and happily face danger on a daily basis without so much as a frown, still makes treecko an ideal partner for a beginning trainer.Grovyle
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 253
Entry: The evolved form of treecko, by battle experience. Grovyle is noted for its nimbleness. Well-adapted to its native jungle environments, it can skitter up trees and jump from branch to branch with an unrivaled swiftness, making it difficult for pursuers to keep up with it. It should be noted that these pursuers, of course, may include trainers who mistake their calm demeanor during their treecko stage as consent to subject it to extreme stress.Sceptile
The Forest Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 254
Entry: The evolved form of grovyle, by battle experience. In Hoennian lore, sceptile are traditionally seen as forest guardians. Not only are their jungle combat skills completely unrivaled in the pokémon world (due to both its surprising agility and the sharp leaf blades on its arms), but also, the bulbs on their backs contain seeds that they can plant in order to revitalize parts of their forest homes. It should also be noted that this image of sceptile as a jungle guardian is perhaps only helped by the fact that the aforementioned bulbs explode in order to release the seeds within, yet sceptile, much like its original treecko form, take the violent bursting of parts of their body without even flinching. Needless to say, the disinclination to fight a creature that refuses to show pain is something of a survival adaptation for the rest of the forest.
Mega Sceptile
The Forest Pokémon
Type: Grass/Dragon
Official Registration #: 254+
Entry: The advanced form of sceptile, via sceptilite. As mega sceptile, this pokémon is imbued with the ability to detach its lengthy tail as a form of self-defense. Actually, many lizard pokémon possess this ability; it’s just that mega sceptile is the only one for whom this also entails (forgive the pun) seizing the detached limb and stabbing its attacker with it.
The Torchic Line
Torchic
The Chick Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 255
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, chick-like pokémon whose natural body temperature is so hot that the fireballs it launches during battle can reach temperatures in excess of 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, in Hoenn, it is said that torchic are very warm to cuddle, but given that these are the same people who live in a region that feature a desert, an active volcano, a dormant volcano, and a tropical jungle, outsiders should take torchic’s cuddliness with a grain of salt.For your information, it is very cuddly, and someone who had the misfortune of being raised in a region where you don’t see sun for six months out of the year because of the constant rain should perhaps keep his opinions about Hoennians to himself. —LH
The reason why I poke fun at every other region but Hoenn, ladies and gentlemen. —Bill
Combusken
The Young Fowl Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 256
Entry: The evolved form of torchic, by battle experience. A powerful and energetic pokémon, combusken is capable of delivering ten kicks per second, and each kick is capable of rending solid concrete in two. In Hoenn, this has made combusken a prized fighter ideal for taking on the rock- and steel-heavy Hoenn League. In Unova, however, combusken are noted for their muscular legs, which apparently taste wonderful to an Unovan when said legs are breaded, seasoned, and fried in whatever magical oils the local Floccesy Fried Chicken establishment uses.Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257
Entry: The evolved form of combusken, by battle experience. Upon evolution, blaziken gain the ability to jump thirty-story buildings, set their fists on fire via flame cuffs, breathe jets of flames, and endure hours of intense fighting. Upon mega evolution, it also gains the ability Speed Boost … because that’s exactly what you need a six-foot-tall chicken with fire powers and superhuman martial arts skills to do: gain speed boosts naturally.
Mega Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257+
Entry: The advanced form of blaziken, via blazikenite. As noted in the entry for its base form, blaziken gains the ability Speed Boost upon mega evolution. This ability allows it to launch its notorious flurry of kicks with even greater speed than it would as an ordinary blaziken. It does not, contrary to popular belief, allow blaziken to become a “spicy fast boy,” as the internet puts it.
Scyther and Scizor
Scyther
The Mantis Pokémon
Type: Bug/Flying
Official Registration #: 123
Entry: Contrary to popular belief, scyther are not inherently violent and easily enraged pokémon. They are, in actuality, extremely proud pokémon with a full range of emotions, including compassion. It just so happens that they have scythes for hands and the alien morality of an insectoid species, and these tend to get in the way of what human beings would define as “compassion.”Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212
Entry: The evolved form of scyther, via trading if the subject has had a metal coat applied to it. Upon evolution, scyther’s signature blades metamorphose into scizor’s pincers. One would think that an absence of a cutting edge along with the maturation induced by evolution would render scizor a safer pokémon to handle than its preevolved counterpart, but in actuality, it uses its pincers—now reinforced with a steel-like exoskeleton—to violently hammer anything into the ground, be it an enemy pokémon, a piece of machinery, or an innocently bystanding researcher who in no way provoked said scizor.
Mega Scizor
The Pincer Pokémon
Type: Bug/Steel
Official Registration #: 212+
Entry: The advanced form of scizor, via scizorite. Mega scizor is a subject of interest to scientists due to its fantastic levels of instability in combat. To pokémonologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some pokémon can mega evolve while others cannot. To sociologists, the fact that it is virtually incapable of holding a mega evolution for extended periods of time without doing damage to itself points to the idea that it may answer the age-old question of why some trainers are fantastically terrible people who insist on using mega scizor anyway.
The Gible Line
Gible
The Land Shark Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 443
Entry: A short, shark-like pokémon first discovered in the cave systems of Sinnoh. This pokémon burrows in horizontal tunnels embedded within cave walls. From there, it points its face outward and waits for prey to pass by its burrow opening. When something comes close, it launches itself out of its burrow to pounce on and bite the intruder. It’s important to note that this behavior does not stop when tamed; rather, trainers should fully expect to find their clothing gathered in a small, hole-like pile … as well as ample amounts of time spent with a gible attached to their arms shortly after discovering said pile.Gabite
The Cave Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 444
Entry: The evolved form of gible, by battle experience. Native to dark caves, gabite is attracted to anything that glitters or glows. In the wild, this means it actively hunts down and collects any shiny object it can get its claws on—including jewels, ores, and even trash from trainers—and hoards these in its underground nest. In captivity, this means it is possibly the most entertaining pokémon to introduce a laser pointer to.Garchomp
The Mach Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 445
Entry: The evolved form of gabite, by battle experience. The short fins on this pokémon’s arms are actually wings that allow it to fly at supersonic speeds to chase down prey. There is no punchline to this entry. The author just wanted to inform all of you that a 209-pound ground-type land shark with wings shorter than its actual claws can apparently fly and that this world is a wondrous place.
Mega Garchomp
The Mach Pokémon
Type: Dragon/Ground
Official Registration #: 445+
Entry: The advanced form of garchomp, via garchompite. Formerly, this mega evolution was known for its devastating temper and its twin scythes, the latter of which are capable of cleaving boulders in half with a single swipe and the former of which makes it believe cleaving boulders in half (among other things within its line of sight) is a fun and productive way to spend one’s time. Currently, however, this mega evolution is known for being “a weird sand doggo.”
Electrike and Manectric
Electrike
The Lightning Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 309
Entry: This small, puppy-like pokémon stores static electricity in its fur, which it uses both as added defense and as a means to stimulate its leg muscles. Once its legs are charged, electrike is capable of reaching speeds faster than the human eye … making games of fetch between tamed specimens and humans particularly quick. Be warned, however—upon each successful fetch, electrike enjoys praise and belly rubs, the latter of which has led to an unfortunate number of electrocution incidents in electrike’s native region of Hoenn.Manectric
The Discharge Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 310
Entry: The evolved form of electrike, by battle experience. In the wild, this dog-like pokémon is rare and frequently avoids humans, but it is not necessarily difficult to find. This is because its pointed main attracts lightning, which it collects in its fur and discharges constantly into the atmosphere around it. Unfortunately for manectric, such discharges lead to equally unfortunate consequences to both human and general surrounding alike, and more than one forest fire and electrocution have been attributed to this pokémon.
Mega Manectric
The Discharge Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 310+
Entry: The advanced form of manectric, via manectite. The fur on this mega evolved pokémon can store hundreds of thousands of volts of electricity. It is therefore not a spiky thunder doggo; please stop trying to pet it for youtube clicks.
The Gastly Line
Gastly
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 92
Entry: A spectral pokémon most prevalent in graveyards and pokémon burial sites throughout Kanto, Johto, and Sinnoh. Contrary to popular belief, gastly are not the souls of deceased pokémon. Rather, they spawn naturally through either breeding or, in sites that host high volumes of cremation, a mixture of smoke, ash, the noxious gases of decomposition, and a pokémon’s final burst of auric energy. The gases that comprise a gastly’s body are, as mentioned a moment ago, highly noxious to a human and may induce a state of lightheadedness and euphoria shortly before suffocation. Some humans keep gastly who are trained to envelope a human but release them the moment they arrive at the edge of unconsciousness, all expressly for the high induced by this pokémon … not that the author would know anything about this, of course.Haunter
The Gas Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 93
Entry: The evolved form of gastly, by battle experience. Like its evolutionary predecessor, haunter’s body is comprised entirely of concentrated, noxious gases. However, these gases are compressed to the point where they hover just at the edge of their liquid state, enabling haunter to have a more tangible form than gastly. Additionally, as the inner materials of its form are compressed to the point where they begin to condense, haunter also has the ability to “touch,” as well as the ability to inflict the paralytic effects of its composition by touch. Thus, when the pokédex informs you that being touched by this pokémon’s hand causes a victim to experience unrelenting shuddering or that being licked by this pokémon’s gaseous tongue results in a full-body paralysis, rest assured that there is an entirely scientific explanation behind all of this which is rooted in equally comforting levels of chemistry.Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94
Entry: The evolved form of haunter, via trading. This spectral pokémon possesses the ability to pass into the shadows of living beings, where it waits until nightfall to suck away their life energies and body heat. Not much else is known about gengar, unfortunately, except for one other note: should you ever attempt to study this with the two most capable researchers you know short of Professor Oak, never attempt to study it by inviting it to perform any of its other abilities unless you have not, within the past half an hour, consumed more whiskey than is reasonable for a professional. It apparently also has the ability to possess humans and the tendency to be creative in its interpretations of requests.
Mega Gengar
The Shadow Pokémon
Type: Ghost/Poison
Official Registration #: 94+
Entry: The advanced form of gengar, via gengarite. Rest assured that the Alolan dex entry concerning this pokémon’s tendency to curse everyone it encounters, even its own trainer, is not true. It will curse everyone except its trainer. Unless its trainer is a terrible person. Then it will curse everyone.
The Abra Line
Abra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 63
Entry: A small, fox-like pokémon of the psychic-type. Due to its incredible psychic power, it requires at least eighteen hours of sleep per day. However, it also has the power to read minds, so when it senses danger or when it is summoned for battle, it is still capable of “reading” its surroundings and using its other moves to protect itself. Unfortunately, the only move it learns naturally is Teleport, and as teaching a pokémon moves via HM or TM requires them to be fully conscious, training an abra may pose difficult for the beginning trainer. On the positive side, it provides many life lessons to trainers who are just starting out from Goldenrod City, which is flanked by two major abra habitats. One of these lessons is, of course, never go out to capture your first pokémon without reading the pokédex first.Kadabra
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 64
Entry: The evolved form of abra, by battle experience. After evolution, a kadabra’s psychic powers grow in strength, and its mastery over its psychic abilities increases, allowing it to learn more techniques and stay awake for longer periods of time. Unfortunately, its powers also cause it to unconsciously emit alpha waves at all times. These alpha waves increase when a kadabra is excited and have a tendency to irrevocably damage sensitive equipment, as well as induce headaches in a nearby human. Because of the latter, it is said that only those with a strong psyche may handle this pokémon … which would be a compliment if the author was a little more prepared for poké puff-related migraines.Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65
Entry: The evolved form of kadabra, via trading. Upon evolution, a kadabra’s abilities and intelligence grow exponentially, to the point where the average alakazam is said to possess a brain powerful enough to rival a supercomputer. On the downside, because its head grows too heavy for its body to support, an alakazam is constantly exerting its telekinetic powers, which in turn means it is, more than ever, exuding psi energy. Additionally, due to its unusual evolutionary requirements, most trainers will never get to own an alakazam, let alone observe these telekinetic abilities … which on the one hand is a shame but on the other hand is also a blessing for both the author’s research equipment and his head.
Mega Alakazam
The Psi Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 65+
Entry: The advanced form of alakazam, via alakazite. The array of spoon-like objects it gains upon mega evolution are psychic amplifiers that greatly enhance its telekinetic abilities. They are not, as the internet claims, for consuming vanillite although some mega alakazam use them for this too.
The Pokédex According to Bill 