How about rating Poliwag? Because Poliwag is the cutest and deserves 2 thumbs up

Indeed it does, good reader! Thank you for your patience for this entry while we finished the starters series, incidentally.

Poliwag
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 60
Entry: Newly hatched, a poliwag possesses underdeveloped skin through which one can see its black, spiral-like internal organs. It is therefore possible to watch food pass through its digestive system, which is a point of fascination to both novice students of biology and pokémon nutrition … as well as certain facets of the internet consisting of talented artists with rather interesting tastes.

Poliwhirl
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 61
Entry: The evolved form of poliwag, by battle experience. Poliwhirl’s internal organs are not only visible beneath its translucent skin (as are both poliwag’s and poliwrath’s), but these organs also undulate subtly with its every heartbeat, which induces a hypnotic effect in observing humans. Additionally, in order to protect itself, poliwhirl secrete a mucus that makes its body slippery and contains very mild hallucinogenic properties. Finally, because of its prevalence in the clear lakes of Kanto and Johto, poliwhirl are highly popular among college students looking for a cheap and easily obtainable pet … which the author is assured has absolutely nothing to do with the first two facts whatsoever. He doesn’t even know why he added those facts; that was really weird.

Poliwrath
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 62
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, by exposure to water stone. Poliwrath possesses many of the qualities of its past forms, including a visible digestive system and the ability to produce mucus, in addition to a highly developed muscular system that it only obtains upon evolution. While the following act was popular in the past, it is highly inadvisable to lick a poliwrath (in order to access its mucus’s hallucinogenic properties), not because this is awkward and highly uncomfortable for the pokémon nor because large doses of the chemical that induces hallucinations could be toxic to humans but instead because one should perhaps not lick something that can do the front crawl or breaststroke nonstop across the Pacific Ocean without its express permission. (Why you would consider doing this in the first place is, of course, a complete mystery to the author and is certainly not something he has ever done himself.)

Politoed
The Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 186
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, when traded while the subject is holding a king’s rock. Among other members of the poliwag line, politoed is considered to be a “king,” likely because of the rarity and difficulty in obtaining a king’s rock; only the strongest poliwhirl may be able to do it. Likewise, as the curl on its head is related to the specimen’s health, the longer the curl, the stronger the politoed, and the stronger the politoed, the higher up in the poliwag clan hierarchy it is. This all is, of course, highly majestic among the pokémon kingdom, yet to humans, politoed is considered to be “that pokémon you dissect in high school biology”—or, to the Kaloseans “delicious when lightly fried with shallots.”

Hey Bill, do you have anything on the Wobbuffet line? Mine’s been acting up recently and addressing the blue part doesn’t seem to be working. Is the brain in the tail like the conspiracy theorist say?

Well. I admit I’m not entirely certain how best to advise you here, as “acting up” for a wobbuffet can mean a wide variety of things, ranging from its usual lethargy to mating season. Does your wobbuffet sway back and forth and emit cries that sound eerily like Tom Jones’s “It’s Not Unusual”? If not, then at the very least, we can rule out mating season. Otherwise:

Wynaut
The Bright Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 360
Entry: A small, doll-like pokémon best known for three things: its constant smile, its habit of pushing up against solid objects and other wynaut in order to build strength, and its adoration of sweet fruit. The term “bright” pokémon is additionally a bit misleading. To put it in brief, the other thing wynaut is known for is its cry; to people of certain languages, it sounds like a phrase that can be translated into, “Really?”—which in turn has been interpreted as the concept of questioning and meditating on all that is. That, combined with its perpetual smile, its penchant for expressing “affection,” and all the other aforementioned traits, have led certain cultures to view this pokémon as a philosophical ideal—and thus, the incarnation of a vastly sage guru. In truth, wynaut are not particularly bright pokémon at all. Rather, because of their love for sweet fruits, they have a tendency to consume vast quantities of overripe and fermenting berries, and thus, their serene, sage-like behavior is better attributed to a state of perpetual drunkenness.

Wobbuffet
The Patient Pokémon
Type: Psychic
Official Registration #: 202
Entry: The evolved form of wynaut, via battle experience. The blue portion of wobbuffet’s body, while containing a brain and several vital organs, is actually mostly hollow, balloon-like, and highly resistant to damage. (It is, in fact, quite true that the brain of a wobbuffet is actually located in its nerve-packed tail.) Wobbuffet use this to their advantage, as their entire battle strategy involves inflating their blue, balloon-like bodies, taking hits, and retaliating with psi blasts equal to double the amount of damage they endure. As wobbuffet are docile and will refuse to attack unless their opponent attacks first and as wobbuffet’s primary ability prevents them from leaving a battle once it begins, two wobbuffet facing off against one another will tenaciously stand and wait until their opponent passes out from starvation. It is for this reason that trainers who keep wobbuffet should be warned that intentionally attempting to battle another trainer’s wobbuffet is an easy and fantastic way to lose your trainer’s license.

Aerodactyl

Aerodactyl
The Fossil Pokémon
Type: Rock/Flying
Official Registration #: 142
Entry: A ferocious, pterosaur-like pokémon that once ruled the skies of ancient Kanto. Aerodactyl is noteworthy in that it helped establish many practices used in modern paleo-pokémon ethology, which itself is an extremely specific but fascinating field. Much of what goes into paleo-pokémon ethology is guesswork, really. For example, when one sees a set of serrated teeth such as those of aerodactyl, one can safely assume that this pokémon used them for cutting into meat. When one sees wings and claws, one can assume that the pokémon in question was an aerial hunter. Of course, this method of hypothesizing and assuming behaviors based on physical traits of fossilized remains is not infallible. For another example, it was once assumed that aerodactyl was a vicious, fearless hunter, but recent resurrections of specimens using fossil revival technology has proven that aerodactyl are more like very large, very confused, very vocal parakeets.

Kabuto and Kabutops

Kabuto
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 140
Entry: A prehistoric horseshoe crab pokémon that once dwelled in the shallow Kantonian seas. Unlike many other “fossil pokémon,” kabuto are not technically extinct. Rather, they are extremely rare pokémon that currently dwell in hard-to-reach maritime caves along the coasts of Kanto, the Orange Islands, and the Sevii Islands. More curiously, they have undergone very little changes since they first appeared on this planet, and as such, they offer researchers many hints as to what the waters of ancient Kanto might have been like. For example, their rock-hard shells indicate the possibility of vicious predatory pokémon, and their short arms indicate either rockier terrain or higher water pressures … or simply a lack of things that needed to be reached with claws. Like buttons.

Kabutops
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 141
Entry: The evolved form of kabuto, via battle experience. Like its pre-evolved form, kabutops is an extinct horseshoe crab pokémon that has offered paleo-pokémonologists a wealth of insight into the ancient world of pokémon. For one, it has evolved from being a primarily water-dwelling pokémon to one that hunts primarily on land, and this gradual adaptive process has allowed scientists to estimate when life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents. Moreover, its sleek form designed for rapid swimming, sharp scythes designed for quick killing, and mouthparts designed for tearing into flesh and draining prey of its bodily fluids in seconds offer scientists insight into why life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents.

Hi Bill, I am really enjoying reading all your research! I was wondering if you had any notes about the Kantonese fossil pokemon?

Thank you!

I admit I have extensive research on those pokémon in particular, but I’ll do my best to summarize the most fascinating parts over the next few days, beginning with:

Omanyte
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 138
Entry: A prehistoric nautilus pokémon that once dwelled in the warm Kantonian oceans. Among paleo-pokémonologists, omanyte is significant in that it helps us to identify geologic periods. Their tightly spiraled, chambered shells make them fantastically easy to identify on site, and their lifespans on this planet are well-documented as being short, enabling fast and reliable dating of a rock strata. Little is known about its actual life, although its appearance within the fossil bed offer clues. It is said that omanyte flourished roughly around the Devonian period, when seas were at ideal conditions to support the evolution of marine life, and thus, omanyte adapted rapidly to the warm, briny environment. However, it is also said that although omanyte populations were hardy and tenacious during this time period, they disappeared abruptly off the face of the planet at the end of the Cretaceous period … likely due to the fact that no amount of hardiness or prolific breeding will protect a pokémon from drastic climate changes or meteors when they lay their young exactly where they’re most likely to die from exposure.

Omastar
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 139
Entry: The evolved form of omanyte, by battle experience. Omastar possessed sharp beaks and spikes, rock-hard shells, and a plethora of strong tentacles, making it essentially a predator consisting entirely of weapons. One would think that omastar would have been an apex predator that could survive the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, but two things prevented it from doing so. First, as its pre-evolved form was more vulnerable and its eggs even more so, it eventually reached a point where the species had nothing to evolve from. Second and even more ridiculous (yet still very likely), omastar had somehow managed to adaptively evolve shells so heavy that many would find a way to crush themselves to death before they could mate.

So, Bill. Is there a Foongus Amoongus?

There may be!

Foongus
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 590
Entry: A small, mushroom-like pokémon known for the fact that its cap strongly resembles a pokéball, especially when the rest of its body is concealed by tall grass. According to the official pokédex, the reason for this pattern is unknown. However, given that foongus are capable of learning Spore and Giga Drain, that their natural ability involves releasing toxic spores upon contact, and that their caps are the approximate size, shape, and coloring of an object human trainers would be most likely to pick up, this writer can say without a doubt that the reasoning behind this coloring is an absolute mystery that the scientific community may just never solve.

Amoonguss
The Mushroom Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 591
Entry: The evolved form of foongus, by battle experience. Upon evolution, amoonguss grow to be about two feet tall in height, and its cap expands proportionally. This makes its poké ball-like coloring less effective, even in the cover of tall grass, and as an added defiance of subtlety, it increases its own visibility by shaking its arms—both terminating in buds the size, shape, and color of its original head as a foongus—wildly in front of it. In theory, this is to attract attention to its arms and lure in prey with hypnotic motions. Also in theory, human beings have evolved a level of awareness and wisdom that would prevent such a tactic from working on us. In practice, however, this exact strategy is to blame for over 60% of all human hospitalizations in the vicinity of Unova’s Victory Road on an annual basis.

Hello, I would like to request a report on the Pokemon Missingno. says with a straight face

Hmm. Missingno. That’s an unusual request.

Let me see. Surely I have a file on that.

Ah! Here we are!

Missingno.
The ̋?̂?̉?̄ ͒ Pokémon
Type: B̫i̤r͓d̳/Normal
Official Registration #: 0̷
Entry: A mysterious entity said to live off the coastlines of Cinnabar and Seafoam Islands. Not much is known about it, save for its unusual properties. Scientists in the area have noted that at a distance of Z̷ゥ̸4̶ meters from shore, instruments begin malfunctioning. It has been determined that this comes as a result of missingno., which gives off ゥ̴’̶B̷’̴d̴ ẉ̶̡͕̦̻̦̞̰͈͆̔̈́̈́͛͑̊͘͝ą̸̢͙̠̣̳̯͕̫̀́̇͊́̐̎̋͝

▼

9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999 9999999999

Hey Bill, can we get your very important scientific perspective on TOGEPIMET- that is, on the Togepi line?

Ah, yes, the togepi line. Quite a fascinating one, actually!

Togepi
The Spike Ball Pokémon
Type: Fairy
Official Registration #: 175
Entry: A foot-tall, egg-like pokémon that possesses very little in the way of offensive, defensive, or—for that matter—any battling abilities. In fact, it is said that shell of this egg-like pokémon stores joy and happiness and that this egg-like pokémon’s main ability is spreading peace and love wherever it goes. You are, in short, battling the most baby-like of all pokémon, and it would be most advisable to rethink your life decisions if you find yourself in this situation. You monster.

Togetic
The Happiness Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 176
Entry: The evolved form of togepi, as a result of a heightened sense of happiness. True to its defined species, togetic is a small, bird-like creature best known for its ability to spread happiness and luck to kind-hearted people. Conversely, it grows depressed and lethargic when exposed to the arrogant, selfish, and immature for long periods of time. Thus, while togetic is traditionally considered to be a symbol of fortune and prosperity to the people of its native Johto, in more modern times, it has also become the symbol of people with questionable taste in men. Such as this writer’s older sister.

Togekiss
The Jubilee Pokémon
Type: Fairy/Flying
Official Registration #: 468
Entry: The evolved form of togetic, by exposure to shiny stone. A large, bird-like creature that flies from region to region on a pair of great, pure-white wings. It prefers to migrate to peaceful regions, to shower the people living there with blessings of prosperity and peace as a reward for their efforts to love and respect one another. However, if it crosses a war-torn country, it is known for spreading peace, happiness, and justice by delivering unto any authority figure it finds the most violent uses of Sweet Kiss and Fairy Wind observed in the pokémon kingdom. In short, this writer wholeheartedly approves of togekiss’s political platform and is more than ready to vote for togekiss in the next general election.

Kanto Starters I: Bulbasaur

@psychms: I just noticed you haven’t written about any of the regional starters! Can you tell us about your most memorable experience with a starter Pokémon (or its evolutions)?

Ah, keen observation! Starters are a bit special to a researcher, as we tend to associate them with new beginnings while maintaining our status as a ridiculously sentimental breed of people. In particular, I must say I’m closest to the Kantonian starters, in part because I consider one of my home regions to be Kanto and in part because, despite beginning my journey in Johto, my starter was a bulbasaur. While I could go on and on about the bulbasaur line, I hardly think it would be appropriate to only cover it and not the other two families. Thus, consider this to be part one of a three-part series.

Bulbasaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 1
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. Many people believe that out of the three, bulbasaur is the easiest to raise, as bulbasaur are more docile than the other two, the species’ offensive and defensive traits are balanced, and a grass-type has more of an advantage against the earliest Kantonian gyms than a fire- or water-type. However, while all of this is true, such advice frequently forgets any word on what to do when you have a pokémon that learns Leech Seed, Stun Spore, Poison Powder, and Sleep Powder all basically at the same time. On that note, should you be a new trainer who finds himself with a rambunctious bulbasaur who enjoys showering you with “affection,” be sure to carry full heals. A lot of full heals. Do not buy anything but full heals until your bulbasaur evolves. You will thank me later.

Ivysaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 2
Entry: The evolved form of bulbasaur, by battle experience. As it nears evolution into a venusaur, an ivysaur’s blossom grows larger and more fragrant to the point where it naturally emits a sweet, spicy fragrance strong enough to be detected from a distance. Thus, an ivysaur is the easiest among the three middle-evolution starters to evolve, not only because the weight of the bulb makes each ivysaur more eager to battle (in order to gain the strength needed to support its own flower) but also because the scent emitting from the blossom happens to be the exact kind of aroma that draws pokémon towards one in droves. That said, while ivysaur are still among the easiest pokémon to train, new and mediocre trainers should be warned that preventing an ivysaur from battling is nearly impossible and that many of your days may be spent being dragged through Viridian Forest by a charging ivysaur chased by a horde of beedrill.

Venusaur
The Seed Pokémon
Type: Grass/Poison
Official Registration #: 3
Entry: The evolved form of ivysaur, by battle experience. A venusaur’s evolution is among the most beautiful to occur within the pokémon world. When the time comes, an ivysaur will seek the sunniest clearing in a forest, crouch within beams of sunlight, and allow its flower to grow and bloom. Petal by petal will open, and its fragrance will become more intense and aromatic. The power of this sight and the soothing nature of its signature perfume will rejuvenate an observing trainer just as much as the venusaur experiencing it, which is worth it to note as a warning to both. While you may be tempted to run forward and embrace your long-time pokémon partner in a rush of mutual pride and elation, note that your venusaur has gone from being 29 pounds to over 220 and that it will use all 220 to affectionately tackle you before realizing that it is no longer the size and weight of a large dog.

Absol

[[Writer’s Note: In light of yesterday’s entry, I have been informed by my editor, partner, and dearest friend L.H. that I am not funny and that I am to apologize and write a proper entry in response to my equally dear follower, @anonabsolxwolf. Thus, I present to you, my readers, the entry for the day and my sincerest pleas for forgiveness. —Bill]]

Absol
The Disaster Pokémon
Type: Dark
Official Registration #: 359
Entry: A mountain-dwelling pokémon with the ability to foretell disasters. In ancient legend, absol—then referred to as the hakutaku—foretold that a deadly plague would sweep across the Hoenn region and that only a very specific herb found on the side of Mt. Pyre would be able to cure it. For this reason, Hoennians worshipped absol as a guardian spirit of herbal medicine for several centuries until modern Western medicine was introduced to the region. Absol’s prophecies for various natural disasters are still accurate, of course, but humanity has an unfortunate tendency to ignore voices of reason during times of desperation. In short, absol has gone from being a guardian spirit of herbal medicine to the patron saint of underappreciated minds whose reasonable advice goes unheeded by the Pokémon Association.

[[Editor’s Note: You are still not funny, Bill. —LH]]