The Piplup Line

Piplup
The Penguin Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 393
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Sinnoh. An intensely proud penguin pokémon native to Sinnoh’s frigid northern climes. Due to its proud nature, it is a difficult pokémon to raise and will frequently disobey its trainers and refuse food, purely because piplup in general believe that they are above being tamed. Thus, it is highly advisable to employ reverse psychology when first training piplup. When piplup refuse to eat, simply pretend to not want to feed it, and it will eventually attempt to take your food, as it will believe doing so would be an act of disobedience. When this tactic begins to fail (due to piplup growing wise to it), it is then that a trainer will need to switch tactics in order to continue giving their piplup the impression that feeding is somehow still disobeying their wishes. The author humbly and quite seriously suggests reverse reverse psychology.

Prinplup
The Penguin Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 394
Entry: The evolved form of piplup, by battle experience. In general, a piplup’s attitude does not improve upon evolution. Quite the contrary—each individual prinplup develops the unfortunate opinion that they are the most important being in the world, and thus, they isolate themselves within separate nests dug into the icy cliffs of northern Sinnoh, far from each other and any other pokémon they deem morally and genetically inferior. In other words, prinplup form opinions the exact same way most Kantonian politicians do, and the best prinplup trainers can do is take a page from the average Kantonian citizen by pointing their prinplup in the general direction of an opponent and letting them go at it, so to speak.

Empoleon
The Emperor Pokémon
Type: Water/Steel
Official Registration #: 395
Entry: The evolved form of prinplup, by battle experience. While empoleon are generally more mellow than either of its predecessors, they are, as a whole, still vastly proud of their abilities. It is just that they’re more likely to gather in groups, possibly because they realize that some interaction with one another is necessary for the sake of their own species. However, every empoleon-piplup rookery has one lead empoleon that makes the decisions for the rest of the flock. This empoleon is usually determined by sight: they choose the empoleon with the biggest horns to be their superior … a process that, contrary to popular belief on the internet, is not a euphemism.

The Chimchar Line

Chimchar
The Chimp Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 390
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Sinnoh. A small, agile monkey pokémon native to Sinnohan forests. Gases churn within its stomach and fuel the constant fires that sprout from its rear end … and someone wrote this fact in the Sinnohan pokédex and has in no way been embellished or edited by this writer.

Monferno
The Playful Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 391
Entry: The evolved form of chimchar, by battle experience. Using its unparalleled agility and the flames on its tail, a monferno can spring from sheer walls or high ceilings in order to launch vicious, fast-paced attacks. While the Sinnohan pokédex states that its flaming tail is its only weapon, this is not entirely true. Ember does not come from its tail, and given the entry left for its evolutionary predecessor and the fact that a monferno will typically learn this move as a chimchar, it is possibly best not to think too much about where Ember actually comes from.

Infernape
The Flame Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 392
Entry: The evolved form of monferno, by battle experience. Using its crown of fire and the fire on its fists and legs, an infernape adds a flame element to its own unique style. The style itself is noteworthy, as for centuries, martial artists in China have attempted to adapt and emulate it for human use. The end result is a wild, aggressive, highly unpredictable form known as drunken monkey style, as it evokes the look of an infernape that had consumed fermented berries to the point where it will fight anything that moves within its line of sight. Interestingly enough, certain European cultures have a similar fighting style, but these were inspired by a drunk infernape of a more metaphorical nature and were therefore developed via perhaps less dignified means.

The Turtwig Line

Turtwig
The Tiny Leaf Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 387
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Sinnoh. A small tortoise pokémon native to Sinnohan forests, turtwig is known for its soil-packed shell and its ability to photosynthesize, as well as the misconception that, as a small, shelled reptile, it is in any way related to squirtle or tirtouga. In actuality, turtwig occupy a completely different family from either of these pokémon. One can easily tell the difference by adaptations: whereas squirtle and tirtouga fare perfectly well in water, throwing a turtwig into the ocean produces far grimmer results.

Grotle
The Grove Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 388
Entry: The evolved form of turtwig, by battle experience. All grotle possess the ability to dowse, or to locate sources of pure water based on innate sense alone. Its hardened shell has developed into a smooth, comfortable seat, and using both its dowsing ability and its developed shell, it ferries pokémon that had once been larger than it to these water sources … typically to throw them in as petty revenge for all the times that they had thrown it in when it was a turtwig.

Torterra
The Continent Pokémon
Type: Grass/Ground
Official Registration #: 389
Entry: The evolved form of grotle, by battle experience. After evolution, torterra and their trees continue to grow, and their shells continue to harden. As a result, they grow more lethargic as time goes on, making them slow and large enough for small pokémon to create nests on its back. In ancient times, certain cultures looked to this behavior and concluded that the entire world must actually be on the back of a giant torterra … which is preposterous, as everyone knows that the world is actually supported by four donphan riding on the back of a massive carracosta.

The Mudkip Line

Mudkip
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 258
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, amphibious pokémon native to Hoennian rivers. It uses its large head fin to sense the flow of water and its large back fin to propel itself through turbulent currents with surprising power for its size. Likewise, the large gills on its cheek allow it to breathe even in the murkiest, muddiest depths, and its physical strength alone allows it to pick up and push boulders along river bottoms. In general, mudkip is a fascinating pokémon, and this is because the species itself carries a number of interesting qualities, not because someone “herd u liek it.”

Marshtomp
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 259
Entry: The evolved form of mudkip, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon primarily native to rivers and banks, marshtomp had to develop strong, bulky legs to compensate for the fact that its habitat lacks stable footing. Thus, marshtomp is capable of literally standing through even the fiercest earthquakes, the likes of which routinely plague its volcanic home region of Hoenn. A less composed young researcher would likely say that marshtomp has had the foresight to “not skip leg day,” but luckily, the writer is not the storage system administrator of Sinnoh.

Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260
Entry: The evolved form of marshtomp, by battle experience. Never let its seemingly cute species name fool you. In actuality, swampert is a four-foot-tall mass of pure, sea-tempered muscle. It is powerful enough to tow ships to shore, rend boulders in two with one swipe of its bulky arms, swim against the current of stormy waves, dive to the depths of the Hoennian sea, and spew jets of water that can tear holes in the hull of the ships it had towed to shore at the beginning of this list. About the only thing cute about it is the fact that it still wears a perpetual grin and enjoys belly rubs and literally sucking down insect prey, just like its ancestral cousin, quagsire.

The Torchic Line

Torchic
The Chick Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 255
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, chick-like pokémon whose natural body temperature is so hot that the fireballs it launches during battle can reach temperatures in excess of 1800 degrees Fahrenheit. Thus, in Hoenn, it is said that torchic are very warm to cuddle, but given that these are the same people who live in a region that feature a desert, an active volcano, a dormant volcano, and a tropical jungle, outsiders should take torchic’s cuddliness with a grain of salt.

For your information, it is very cuddly, and someone who had the misfortune of being raised in a region where you don’t see sun for six months out of the year because of the constant rain should perhaps keep his opinions about Hoennians to himself. —LH

The reason why I poke fun at every other region but Hoenn, ladies and gentlemen. —Bill

Combusken
The Young Fowl Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 256
Entry: The evolved form of torchic, by battle experience. A powerful and energetic pokémon, combusken is capable of delivering ten kicks per second, and each kick is capable of rending solid concrete in two. In Hoenn, this has made combusken a prized fighter ideal for taking on the rock- and steel-heavy Hoenn League. In Unova, however, combusken are noted for their muscular legs, which apparently taste wonderful to an Unovan when said legs are breaded, seasoned, and fried in whatever magical oils the local Floccesy Fried Chicken establishment uses.

Blaziken
The Blaze Pokémon
Type: Fire/Fighting
Official Registration #: 257
Entry: The evolved form of combusken, by battle experience. Upon evolution, blaziken gain the ability to jump thirty-story buildings, set their fists on fire via flame cuffs, breathe jets of flames, and endure hours of intense fighting. Upon mega evolution, it also gains the ability Speed Boost … because that’s exactly what you need a six-foot-tall chicken with fire powers and superhuman martial arts skills to do: gain speed boosts naturally.

The Treecko Line

Treecko
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 252
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. This small gecko pokémon is famous for its calm disposition, which makes it an ideal partner for a beginning trainer. It is said that absolutely nothing shakes it, not even the rage of a forest fire. This, of course, is not entirely true. The calm demeanor it displays at all times actually hides abject panic and other extreme forms of emotion … which, given the fact that trainers routinely and happily face danger on a daily basis without so much as a frown, still makes treecko an ideal partner for a beginning trainer.

Grovyle
The Wood Gecko Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 253
Entry: The evolved form of treecko, by battle experience. Grovyle is noted for its nimbleness. Well-adapted to its native jungle environments, it can skitter up trees and jump from branch to branch with an unrivaled swiftness, making it difficult for pursuers to keep up with it. It should be noted that these pursuers, of course, may include trainers who mistake their calm demeanor during their treecko stage as consent to subject it to extreme stress.

Sceptile
The Forest Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 254
Entry: The evolved form of grovyle, by battle experience. In Hoennian lore, sceptile are traditionally seen as forest guardians. Not only are their jungle combat skills completely unrivaled in the pokémon world (due to both its surprising agility and the sharp leaf blades on its arms), but also, the bulbs on their backs contain seeds that they can plant in order to revitalize parts of their forest homes. It should also be noted that this image of sceptile as a jungle guardian is perhaps only helped by the fact that the aforementioned bulbs explode in order to release the seeds within, yet sceptile, much like its original treecko form, take the violent bursting of parts of their body without even flinching. Needless to say, the disinclination to fight a creature that refuses to show pain is something of a survival adaptation for the rest of the forest.

The Totodile Line

Totodile
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 158
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. A small but hardy alligator pokémon, totodile possess jaws strong enough to crush the front bumper of a car. Although it is frequently advised by experts to take caution when handling this pokémon, even those experts sometimes have difficulty avoiding injury from a totodile bite. So, logically, certain Johtonian researchers have reached the admirably sage conclusion that this is the perfect pokémon to offer to young and heavily inexperienced trainers.

Croconaw
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 159
Entry: The evolved form of totodile, by battle experience. Croconaw’s primary form of attack is to use its huge, powerful jaws to bite down onto its opponent. Once latched on, it never lets go until it loses its teeth, which grow back harmlessly within a day. So to the young and inexperienced trainers mentioned in the previous entry, rest assured that your croconaw’s teeth will grow back shortly after they lose them, which should be one less thing to worry about as you seek medical attention for the reason why your pokémon lost its teeth in the first place.

Feraligatr
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 160
Entry: The evolved form of croconaw, by battle experience. Despite its bulky appearance, feraligatr is a swift pokémon, capable of rushing at an opponent with blinding speed. Once it corners an opponent, it tears into its victim with its massive jaws, savagely tearing them apart within seconds.

…

Which, in combination with the damage the other two evolution lines can do to a human being, should explain why the author is immensely curious as to how a certain professor gained permission from the Johto League to hand out starters.

The Cyndaquil Line

Cyndaquil
The Fire Mouse Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 155
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. The flames on its back are not just for protection: they are also directly connected to its emotional state. When calm or happy, its flames burn at a low temperature. When angry or startled, it releases a burst of hot flames, and when completely exhausted, its flames go out completely. As a reminder to all trainers, it is both inadvisable and irresponsible to reignite your cyndaquil by feeding it coffee. If your cyndaquil’s fire goes out, allow it to sleep.

Quilava
The Volcano Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 156
Entry: The evolved form of cyndaquil, by battle experience. Once evolved, quilava is capable of harnessing the flames on its back for both offensive and defensive purposes. By superheating the air around it, quilava is capable of keeping its foes at bay long enough for it to launch an assault from the same fires. Quick and nimble, this pokémon is capable of burning foes even when dodging attacks … a behavior that should be closely monitored by its trainers, as there have been over thirty instances of a gym burning to the ground thanks to an overexcited but somewhat less-than-graceful quilava.

Typhlosion
The Volcano Pokémon
Type: Fire
Official Registration #: 157
Entry: The evolved form of quilava, by battle experience. Trainers should take extreme caution when handling this pokémon, as, like its preevolved forms, its fire abilities are directly connected to its emotional state. However, as it is the last in its evolution line, it should go without saying that its pyrokinesis and thermokinesis are both far more powerful than either cyndaquil’s or quilava’s. Even the slightest touch from an enraged typhlosion may set its surroundings ablaze … which is unfortunate for a pokémon native to a region that, up until recently, firmly believed that paper and bamboo were perfectly acceptable building materials.

The Chikorita Line

In honor of the recently registered Alola dex, Bill and I have agreed that it would be appropriate to present you with a new series of entries, spanning all of the starters we have yet to cover. We hope you enjoy. —LH

Chikorita
The Leaf Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 152
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. Generally affectionate and even-tempered, chikorita enjoy waving their head leaves to emit a sweet, calming aroma during battle with the hopes of pleasing a new friend. Unfortunately, trainers should be aware that by “a new friend,” the writer means “their opponent” and that the first gym in the traditional Johtonian circuit specializes in things with type advantages and an appetite for chikorita meat.

Bayleef
The Leaf Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 153
Entry: The evolved form of chikorita, by battle experience. As a bayleef ages, the aroma that wafts from the leaves around its neck grow stronger and more potent. While these leaves have been historically collected to brew stimulating teas, the scent alone is enough to increase adrenaline and drive anyone who can smell it to fight. It should be noted that “anyone who can smell it” also applies to the bayleef itself, so trainers should take caution when teaching this pokémon moves such as Body Slam.

Meganium
The Herb Pokémon
Type: Grass
Official Registration #: 154
Entry: The evolved form of bayleef, by battle experience. Meganium’s fragrance has the fantastic abilities to revive dead plants, revitalize weary spirits, and calm even the most aggressive foes. However, it should be noted that just because it has these effects on those surrounding a meganium, it has no effect on the meganium itself. Thus, despite having the ability to lull its enemies into a peaceful stupor, be warned that meganium is one of the most aggressive fully-evolved starter pokémon available and that it both can and very likely will Body Slam you into the ground for accidentally stepping on that lovely dandelion it had just revived.

Kanto Starters III: Squirtle

Squirtle
The Tiny Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 7
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. As the most defensive of the three starters, squirtle is born with a shell that hardens to a rock-hard consistency as it grows older. It also has the ability to retract its softer head and limbs into this shell in order to protect itself as it uses its array of bubble- and water-jet-based attacks. That having been said, one of the most common questions posed about squirtle is “what does it look like without its shell,” and in order to answer all of them in one fell swoop, the writer would like to remind the general internet that a squirtle’s shell is actually an adapted ribcage and thus, a squirtle without its shell would look rather unfortunate.

Wartortle
The Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 8
Entry: The evolved form of squirtle, by battle experience. Legend has it that healthy wartortle may live up to 10,000 years. This, of course, is not true; rather, it is a euphemism for two things. First, it refers to the wartortle’s resilience, particularly in the case of its shell. Upon evolution, a wartortle’s shell hardens and continues to harden, and much of wartortle’s battle style hinges on the use of its shell as both its armor and its shield. A battle-experienced wartortle will always sport a plethora of scratches across its rock-hard shell. As for the second point to the legend, it simply refers to humans’ inability to tell reptilian pokémon apart, as well as the wartortle’s general apathy towards being confused with its abundance of cousins and blood relatives.

Blastoise
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 9
Entry: The evolved form of wartortle, by battle experience. Blastoise tend to be extremely proud of its muscular bulk and water cannons, to the point where much of its battle techniques hinge on either throwing its weight at an opponent or drowning them with high-powered jets of water. When it comes to the latter, its aim is deadly accurate, and a well-trained blastoise is capable of shooting a target up to 160 feet away. Additionally, despite the fact that they lose their feather-like ears upon evolution, it should be noted that blastoise generally have excellent hearing. For example, if a blastoise whose trainer happens to be a researcher’s grandson is standing more than soccer field’s length away from said grandson right at the moment that another researcher advises him on specialized diets for blastoise that no longer participate in battling circuits, that young, well-meaning researcher should be aware that he can still be shot with a Hydro Pump from halfway across the laboratory’s preserve.