Alright so some noob trainer came to the Alola region and caught all of our island guardians. That’s cool and everything, I respect his bravery and strength but jesus christ there’s ultra beasts invading the region and no one can do anything so I’m hoping he sees this and I want to tell him to put them god damn back before we all die

There are Ultra Beasts in Alola right now?!

I’m contacting your older sister to get her to confiscate your passport, just so you know. —LH

UB-05: Guzzlord

Guzzlord
The Junkivore Pokémon
Type: Dark/Dragon
Official Registration #: 799
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. According to witnesses, this pokémon eats everything in its path, from garbage on the ground to full-on buildings. In fact, guzzlord is constantly eating, stuffing its massive maw with its crab-like hands. However, despite how much it consumes, no one can identify its anus or, in fact, locate its droppings. However, considering what it eats, perhaps it’s better that we never find the inevitable horror that must be guzzlord poop.

It’s good to know that you make an effort to maintain a level of class on this blog, Bill. —LH

It could be worse. These entries could be written by Bebe. —Bill

Good point. —LH

UB-04: Celesteela and Kartana

Celesteela
The Launch Pokémon
Type: Steel/Flying
Official Registration #: 797
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. According to witness reports, celesteela possesses incredible firepower—literally. From the cannons that double as its “arms” (no pun intended there), celesteela can shoot blasts of gas so potent it can instantly set fire to an entire forest. This is unfortunate, considering the facts that celesteela is partly a steel-type, that its other type is not fire, and that forest fires can reach temperatures in excess of 1472 degrees Fahrenheit.

Kartana
The Drawn Sword Pokémon
Type: Grass/Steel
Official Registration #: 798
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Despite its status as an Ultra Beast, kartana is not an aggressive pokémon at all. Rather, this small, origami-like pokémon lies still when in the presence of humans and avoids conflict at all times. However, its edges are razor-sharp and capable of slicing clean through steel, so humans should be warned: getting a paper cut from this pokémon is quite literally the worst fate imaginable.

UB-03: Xurkitree

Xurkitree
The Glowing Pokémon
Type: Electric
Official Registration #: 796
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. According to witnesses, this pokémon is capable of discharging incredible amounts of electricity by connecting its plug-like tail into the earth and channeling and amplifying the planet’s natural electrical current. Interestingly enough, the bulbs and head of this pokémon also glow like Christmas tree ornaments as it undergoes this process. However, attempting to plug this pokémon into a domestic outlet and use it as a Christmas ornament tends to be ill-advised, less because this may destroy your home’s electrical grid (although, yes, it will do that too) but more because the plug head is only adaptable to outlets used in South Africa, so it’s a little pointless to even try.

UB-02: Buzzwole and Pheromosa

Buzzwole
The Swollen Pokémon
Type: Bug/Fighting
Official Registration #: 794
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. Gifted with an impressive physique, this mosquito-like pokémon has been sighted showing off its body by smashing cars in half with single punches and by flexing its muscles. Researchers are still not entirely certain whether these displays are meant to be a boast or a threat. However, having met highly athletic humans who enjoy showing off their muscles and tossing short, skinny, muscularly underdeveloped teenagers into dumpsters, the author is inclined to say boasts and threats are not mutually exclusive conditions.

Pheromosa
The Lissome Pokémon
Type: Bug/Fighting
Official Registration #: 795
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. This elegant, cockroach-like pokémon has been spotted running at incredible speeds across the land. However, it has not been seen touching anything but the ground, and it in fact refuses to do so. The reason why it refuses to touch anything is either because it senses some uncleanliness in the world that’s actually there or because it perceives the world to be unclean and is therefore fantastically judgmental and rude; the research community is currently debating which is more likely.

Could you talk about any of the ultra beasts

I could talk about all of them, anonymous, but I suppose the most appropriate place to start with the ultra beasts would be with the first one ever documented:

Nihilego
The Parasite Pokémon
Type: Rock/Poison
Official Registration #: 793
Entry: One of the Ultra Beasts, or strange pokémon that had appeared from another dimension. This jellyfish-like pokémon possesses strange and not well-understood powers, including the ability to teleport, open portals, and influence the human mind. Those who were exposed to this creature’s neurotoxins have reported erratic and often fervent or obsessive behavior, usually culminating in extraordinary feats for the sake of ripping apart the space-time continuum in the name of science and pokémon. Incidentally, the above-mentioned symptoms also describe the effects of hard liquor on the author, which also incidentally is a state that led to the creation of the Time Capsule, so if there are no objections, the author would like to propose an experiment involving himself, a nihilego, and a bottle of whiskey.

I have objections. I have a lot of objections to this plan. —LH