Barboach and Whiscash

Barboach
The Whiskers Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 339
Entry: A long, loach-like pokémon native to freshwater rivers. Although it’s not technically amphibious, it shares one important trait with truly amphibious part-ground pokémon such as members of the mudkip line and wooper line: the ability to excrete a slimy film that makes it difficult to grasp. Of course, given the acidity and toxicity of the aforementioned pokémon, combined with barboach’s awkward shape and penchant for spitting dirt and mud at threats, there is a popular sport in Alola dedicated to grabbing as many barboach as humanly possible within a certain time limit. (There is, also naturally, a similar sport in Hoenn called “grabbing barboach,” but the context is entirely different.)

Whiscash
The Whiskers Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 340
Entry: The evolved form of barboach, by battle experience. Despite its friendly expression and the fact that it’s not well-regarded as a battler, these large, catfish-like pokémon are actually formidable pokémon. They claim entire swamps as their territories, and in order to repel intruders, they execute incredibly powerful ground-type moves, including Earthquake. For this reason, it’s also a popular sport in Alola to enter their territories and go fishing for them, an act which is called “whiscashing.” Incidentally, there is likewise a similarly named sport in Hoenn, but the context also has little to do with actual whiscash (and everything to do with certain whiscashing victims’ hope that the partners they come across enjoy grabbing barboach).

And congratulations, Bill. You’ve just earned yet another three hours in the shame corner. —LH

Wingull and Pelipper

Wingull
The Seagull Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 278
Entry: A large, seagull-like pokémon native to coastal regions. Among researchers who do not make their homes in coastal areas, this pokémon is known for its elegant, gliding flight patterns. It nests in high cliffs along the sea, and from these spots, it leaps over the ocean waves and rides updrafts high into the air. As such, it is sometimes known as the “kite of the ocean.” However, to those who have ever lived on cities on the coast (such as the author), this pokémon is known for snatching valuables and french fries from the hands of humans as well as defecating strategically on beachgoers, and as such, it’s known as “flying rat” and other colorful phrases and names the author cannot repeat in mixed company.

Pelipper
The Water Bird Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 279
Entry: The evolved form of wingull, by battle experience. Known for its unique beak, this pelican-like pokémon is sometimes used as a messenger. In the old days, this was done by placing items, letters, and small pokémon in its beak, telling it where to go, and letting it fly. However, in modern times, it’s given a small mail pouch instead. The reason why is because wild pelipper feed by scooping food into its beak, carrying it off until it reaches a cliff, and tilting its head back to swallow, so thanks to instinct, a tamed pelipper’s delivery route tended to end the moment it reached a seaside cliff … of which there are many in its native region of Hoenn.

Kalos Legendaries, Part III

Volcanion
The Steam Pokémon
Type: Fire/Water
Official Registration #: 721
Entry: According to Kalosean legend, this cryptic pokémon dwells in the harshest, mountainous conditions, where no human ever dares tread. It is supposedly a master of steam, with internal steam stores that it can channel through the pipes on its back to let loose a blast of super-hot fog. This, of course, is a nice change of pace from the numbers of quadrupedal beast-like pokémon that dwell within mountains and lord over volcanoes, all of whom prefer to simply channel magma beneath the surface of the earth to create devastating eruptions. In short, the author commends Kalos for its creativity.

Sinnoh Legendaries, Part VI

Dialga
The Temporal Pokémon
Type: Steel/Dragon
Official Registration #: 483
Entry: One of the highest deities of Sinnohan lore, Dialga was created by Arceus to serve as the master of time. It is said that time began to flow the moment it was born and has continued to flow with every one of its heartbeats. Likewise, because of how integral time is to Dialga, it has the power to control its flow as well as travel backwards and forwards through it, and thus, its title of “master of time” is both literal and metaphorical. As such, you could even say it’s a time lord, except the editor of this blog has requested that the author does not refer to it as that because “honestly, Bill, there are about thirty reasons why you shouldn’t refer to one of the gods of the fabric of space and time with an already outdated pop culture joke, and you have a high enough IQ to figure out why.”

Palkia
The Spatial Pokémon
Type: Water/Dragon
Official Registration #: 484
Entry: One of the highest deities of Sinnohan lore, Palkia was created by Arceus to serve as the master of space. Supposedly, it has the ability to distort space and control the stabilization of dimensions, and with every breath it takes, space becomes more stable. It is also said that as the lord of all space, it’s a rather funny coincidence that its pink, thick-necked, large-shouldered appearance makes it resemble a certain body part shared by some people who think they have the capacity to control all space, but the editor has also requested that the author do not refer to one of the deities of the space-time continuum as a pokémon that resembles such an object. Even though many other people of Sinnohan origin or otherwise think it looks rather phallic too.

Sinnoh Legendaries: Part III

Manaphy
The Seafaring Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 490
Entry: According to Sinnoh lore, this small, sea angel-like pokémon is the legendary Prince of the Sea. Unlike other legendaries associated with the sea (specifically Kyogre and Lugia), it does not control the sea itself, nor does it control the storms above it or channels within it. Rather, its fantastic power—which it possesses at birth—allows it to bond with and communicate with all sea life, from the tiniest plankton to the massive, unfathomable creatures dwelling in the ocean’s darkest depths. Oftentimes, fans of legendary pokémon mock Manaphy and call it the most useless pokémon in a superhero fight, but let it be known that sea life includes both Kyogre and Lugia, so honestly, stop making fun of Waterman, comic book message boards on the internet.

Phione
The Sea Drifter Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 489
Entry: According to Sinnoh lore, this small, sea angel-like pokémon is born from a Manaphy when mated with a ditto. How we know this—considering the fact that Manaphy is a mythical pokémon only rumored to exist and considering the fact that ditto are not native to the sea, never mind the other thousands of questions we have about phione—the author can’t say.

Hoenn Legendaries, Part IV

Kyogre
The Sea Basin Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 382
Entry: The ancient god of the sea, according to Hoennian legend. According to ancient Hoennian texts, Kyogre shaped the oceans by controlling the very waves themselves and bringing down torrential downpours. Interestingly, unlike many other myths concerning the creation of a world, Kyogre had a motivation behind it: namely to establish the dominance of aquatic pokémon in their fight against Groudon and its land-based followers. This means that the ocean itself exists thanks to a petty quarrel that happened eons ago, and because of this, the author is not sure whether to be impressed or to assume this explains quite a bit about the human race if this is how they say the world was formed.

Groudon
The Continent Pokémon
Type: Ground
Official Registration #: 383
Entry: The ancient god of the land, according to Hoennian legend. According to ancient Hoennian texts, Groudon had the power to raise landmasses and control magma, which one would assume were the powers it used in its quarrel against Kyogre to create the land. But no. No, reader, the power it used in its fight against Kyogre, the almighty ability that cut continents through Kyogre’s very oceans, was the ability to dispel clouds and make it especially sunny.

The Lotad Line

Lotad
The Water Weed Pokémon
Type: Water/Grass
Official Registration #: 270
Entry: This small, lily pad-like pokémon thrives in the fresh waters of slow-moving streams and ponds. Friendly in nature, lotad like to use the broad lily pad adorning their heads to ferry pokémon across their watery habitat from one shore to another. Unfortunately, given that lotad weigh only five and a half pounds and therefore don’t actually have the strength to support many other pokémon, this is often more difficult than they would think.

Lombre
The Jolly Pokémon
Type: Water/Grass
Official Registration #: 271
Entry: The evolved form of lotad, by battle experience. This nocturnal pokémon spends most of the day underwater, sleeping upon a bed of aquatic moss as its pad soaks up sunlight. In this position, its diminutive stature is sometimes distorted by the surface of the water, causing many anglers to mistake lombre for drowned children, particularly by the Hoennian anglers who find them. Of course, given the fact that lombre’s skin is clearly grass-green (and not in the same way that skin appears after a human body is left to decompose underwater), the fact that a lily pad is permanently affixed to its head, and the fact that lombre is not actually otherwise child-shaped, the author fails to see exactly how lombre may be mistaken for a human child, but he’s not one to question the observations of Hoennian anglers. When they’re within earshot, anyway.

Ludicolo
The Carefree Pokémon
Type: Water/Grass
Official Registration #: 272
Entry: The evolved form of lombre, by exposure to water stone. True to its species designation, ludicolo is a notoriously carefree pokémon that is prone to dancing upon hearing a good beat. Even in the heat of battle, if it hears music, it will burst into a wild, rhythmic dance, and it will not be able to stop until long after the music has ended. One would think this is a disadvantage to the ludicolo, but in truth, it’s actually more of a disadvantage to their opponents. Apparently, ludicolo can beat an opponent into the ground normally, but their power increases if they, quite literally, stomp their enemies into the ground instead. Through salsa dancing.

Carvanha and Sharpedo

Carvanha
The Savage Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 318
Entry: A piranha-like pokémon native to warm, freshwater rivers. Although carvanha is known for its viciousness, it is actually a highly social pokémon among its own kind. When left in the same body of water with carvanha just as vicious as it is, an individual carvanha specimen will school with others, forming groups capable of ripping apart even the bulkiest wailmer. However, on its own, carvanha become docile, shy, and even a little skittish, which some believe is an accurate depiction of most people who spend any amount of time on the internet.

Sharpedo
The Brutal Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 319
Entry: The evolved form of carvanha, by battle experience. This shark-like pokémon possesses fangs that can rip through the steel hulls of ships (and grow back if they snap off in their efforts to do so), barbed skin capable of lacerating anything that comes into physical contact with it, powerful fins that can propel it up to 75 miles per hour at prey, and a keen sense of smell that can detect the smallest drop of blood from yards away. With all of this in combination, sharpedo is often nicknamed “the Bully of the Sea,” which is unfortunate because sharpedo is actually a gentle pokémon that only wants affection.

Sorry, no, it indiscriminately rips apart anything that enters its watery territory short of anything else that has the audacity to train it.

Buizel and Floatzel

Buizel
The Sea Weasel Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 418
Entry: This small, weasel-like pokémon uses the flotation sac around its neck to stay afloat, even in the swiftest of currents. In order to swim against these currents, it twirls its double tails around, which drives its body forward like the propeller of a motor boat. Incidentally, the author is told that this sort of behavior may be reminiscent of a certain fictional mammal that uses its double tails to fly—which, in the author’s humble opinion, is thoroughly ridiculous. Who ever heard of a creature flying by twirling its tails about? That defies at least one law of aerodynamics! At least buizel’s tail propeller is founded in science.

Floatzel
The Sea Weasel Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 419
Entry: The evolved form of buizel, by battle experience. Floatzel are known for the floatation sacs around their necks, as well as their habit of swimming close to sea ports. These sacs, originally developed to aid in floatzel’s hunting abilities, enable this weasel-like pokémon to glide at high speeds along the surface of the water, as well as stay afloat, regardless of how much weight it carries. Hence why it makes its home around marinas, actually: the sac allows floatzel to carry off prey and rescue people that have fallen into the water. Of course, it should be worth it to note that it will occasionally do the reverse and carry off people and “rescue” prey, particularly throughout trout fishing season in its native Sinnoh.

The Mantine Line

Mantyke
The Kite Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 458
Entry: A sizable, manta ray-like pokémon native to the cooler seas of southern Sinnoh. Mantyke are often seen swimming within schools of remoraid. It’s not because mantyke eat them, of course. Rather, it seems that mantyke form symbiotic partnerships with the remoraid. Remoraid parasites that may latch onto mantyke’s fins, so the mantyke benefit from the relationship by having pokémon clean its fins as it swims. The remoraid, meanwhile, benefit from the relationship by seeing much of the world thanks to the mantyke. This is possible because cleaning the mantyke enables it to evolve, which in turn means the remoraid can cling to a much stronger and faster pokémon that can ferry them longer distances across the ocean. That and mantyke’s evolution, mantine, are known for breaching the ocean’s surface and flying up to 300 feet in the air, so the remoraid clinging to it can, quite literally, see much of the world before plummeting back to the ocean’s surface.

Mantine
The Kite Pokémon
Type: Water/Flying
Official Registration #: 226
Entry: The evolved form of mantyke, by battle experience, if the subject is in close proximity to remoraid. This elegant pokémon is known for its maneuverability. Not only can it glide through the water at top speeds, but it’s also capable of breaching the surface and leaping up to 300 feet in the air before diving back into the ocean depths. Scientists are not entirely sure why mantine breach; theories include for communication, for mating, or simply for fun. What is known is that it’s rather alarming to all parties observing a breaching mantine … including the remoraid that normally cling to the undersides of mantine’s fins (until it reaches a height of about 100 feet, of course).