Tentacool and Tentacruel

Tentacool
The Jellyfish Pokémon
Type: Water/Poison
Official Registration #: 72
Entry: A jellyfish pokémon endemic to the seas of practically every region. The tentacle-like stingers of this pokémon can reach lengths of up to 120 feet, depending on the specific subspecies of tentacool. However, each subspecies has its own average length, making determining the size of the average tentacool rather difficult. What is shared between all subspecies of tentacool, however, is what each of them use their stingers for: ensnaring literal prey … as well as ensnaring metaphorical prey in exactly the way the Sinnohan administrator thinks, for once. It is thus not recommended to bathe with your tame tentacool—which is strangely a warning that has been deemed necessary to share, thanks to certain incidents within the Pokémon Fan Club.

Tentacruel
The Jellyfish Pokémon
Type: Water/Poison
Official Registration #: 73
Entry: The evolved form of tentacool, by battle experience. Because it possesses over eighty tentacles, tentacruel pares down its limbs to avoid knotting, unlike its preevolved form. None of that prior sentence is a euphemism, oddly enough, but saying it enjoys whipping and ensnaring potential prey … can be. Do not bathe with this pokémon either.

Shellder and Cloyster

Shellder
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 90
Entry: A scallop-like pokémon native to the waters of Kanto and Johto. Although it is most known for resting on the sandy bottom of the shallower parts of the sea, shellder is actually a highly mobile pokémon. It swims by clamping its shell open and closed and steering with its tongue, thus bobbing up and down and “dancing” through the ocean currents. There really is no joke here; the author just wishes to leave you with the mental image of a shellder swimming. It is, indeed, quite a fantastic sight to behold.

Cloyster
The Bivalve Pokémon
Type: Water/Ice
Official Registration #: 91
Entry: The evolved form of shellder, by exposure to water stone. Protected by a rock-hard shell, this clam-like pokémon is capable of withstanding even the toughest blasts. Nothing can penetrate it unless it opens up for the purpose of attacking by thrusting itself forward and jamming its opponent with the short spike adorning its pearl-like head. Given the shape of this pokémon, it is important to note that this is also not a euphemism, regardless of what anyone says, Bebe.

How about rating Poliwag? Because Poliwag is the cutest and deserves 2 thumbs up

Indeed it does, good reader! Thank you for your patience for this entry while we finished the starters series, incidentally.

Poliwag
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 60
Entry: Newly hatched, a poliwag possesses underdeveloped skin through which one can see its black, spiral-like internal organs. It is therefore possible to watch food pass through its digestive system, which is a point of fascination to both novice students of biology and pokémon nutrition … as well as certain facets of the internet consisting of talented artists with rather interesting tastes.

Poliwhirl
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 61
Entry: The evolved form of poliwag, by battle experience. Poliwhirl’s internal organs are not only visible beneath its translucent skin (as are both poliwag’s and poliwrath’s), but these organs also undulate subtly with its every heartbeat, which induces a hypnotic effect in observing humans. Additionally, in order to protect itself, poliwhirl secrete a mucus that makes its body slippery and contains very mild hallucinogenic properties. Finally, because of its prevalence in the clear lakes of Kanto and Johto, poliwhirl are highly popular among college students looking for a cheap and easily obtainable pet … which the author is assured has absolutely nothing to do with the first two facts whatsoever. He doesn’t even know why he added those facts; that was really weird.

Poliwrath
The Tadpole Pokémon
Type: Water/Fighting
Official Registration #: 62
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, by exposure to water stone. Poliwrath possesses many of the qualities of its past forms, including a visible digestive system and the ability to produce mucus, in addition to a highly developed muscular system that it only obtains upon evolution. While the following act was popular in the past, it is highly inadvisable to lick a poliwrath (in order to access its mucus’s hallucinogenic properties), not because this is awkward and highly uncomfortable for the pokémon nor because large doses of the chemical that induces hallucinations could be toxic to humans but instead because one should perhaps not lick something that can do the front crawl or breaststroke nonstop across the Pacific Ocean without its express permission. (Why you would consider doing this in the first place is, of course, a complete mystery to the author and is certainly not something he has ever done himself.)

Politoed
The Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 186
Entry: The evolved form of poliwhirl, when traded while the subject is holding a king’s rock. Among other members of the poliwag line, politoed is considered to be a “king,” likely because of the rarity and difficulty in obtaining a king’s rock; only the strongest poliwhirl may be able to do it. Likewise, as the curl on its head is related to the specimen’s health, the longer the curl, the stronger the politoed, and the stronger the politoed, the higher up in the poliwag clan hierarchy it is. This all is, of course, highly majestic among the pokémon kingdom, yet to humans, politoed is considered to be “that pokémon you dissect in high school biology”—or, to the Kaloseans “delicious when lightly fried with shallots.”

The Froakie Line

Froakie
The Bubble Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 656
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kalos. True to their species name, froakie are known for their tendency to protect their delicate skin with bubbles. However, skin protection is just one of the many uses for these bubbles. Another use is, of course, to protect a froakie’s eggs when mating, and the foam itself is typically generated early in the fertilization process when the male mounts the female to agitate her foam sacs. Thus, trainers, when you find your male froakie hugging your female froakie from behind to create a cloud of bubbles, rest assured that there will soon be a daycare owner who will tell you that an egg has suddenly appeared and that he has no idea how it might have gotten there.

Frogadier
The Bubble Frog Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 657
Entry: The evolved form of froakie, by battle experience. Supposedly, frogadier possess unparalleled speed and dexterity that enable it to achieve incredible feats of agility. For example, according to one report, a frogadier owned by a Kalosean researcher has been found to be capable of scaling a 2000-foot tower within a minute. Of course, considering the fact that Kalos’s tallest structure, the Prism Tower, is only 1062 feet in height, how this specific ability has been tested is a very good question.

Greninja
The Ninja Pokémon
Type: Water/Dark
Official Registration #: 658
Entry: The evolved form of frogadier, by battle experience. Gifted with ninja-like skills, greninja can appear from seemingly nowhere and generate a barrage of throwing stars made of compressed water. Incidentally, yes, these stars can, in fact, shear through metal; yes, the author has learned this the hard way; and yes, he has not yet forgotten that a certain Kalosean professor owes him quite a sum of money for the destruction of one rental motorbike thanks to his protege’s greninja.

The Oshawott Line

Oshawott
The Sea Otter Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 501
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Unova. A small but tenacious otter pokémon, oshawott quickly attacks using the scalchop it normally stores on its stomach. According to the Unovan pokédex, this scalchop is made of the same elements as claws … which means absolutely nothing because a lot of things in the natural world are made of the same elements as claws.

Dewott
The Discipline Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 502
Entry: The evolved form of oshawott, by battle experience. True to its species, dewott trains endlessly in order to master sword-like techniques with its dual scalchops. There are many interpretations as to why dewott do this. Some researchers note that the scalchop is a difficult weapon to master, so dewott compensate for this with elaborate swordplay styles unique to each individual specimen. Others say dewott are secretly training to avenge their fallen masters, to which the first group of researchers will often respond by telling the second to stop watching terrible kung fu movies and that their tastes in film is questionable at best. The author, of course, wishes to respectfully disagree by informing his editor that kung fu films are an art form, thank you.

Samurott
The Formidable Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 503
Entry: The evolved form of dewott, by battle experience. A master of katana-like swordplay, samurott engage in battle by unleashing an intimidating cry, followed by a vicious, lightning-fast attack with its seamitars, or the blades attached to the front legs of its armor. Not only can samurott unsheathe these blades with incredible speed and dexterity, but they are also capable of dual-wielding both of their seamitars at once … which is itself impressive for a pokémon that requires four legs to stand.

The Piplup Line

Piplup
The Penguin Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 393
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Sinnoh. An intensely proud penguin pokémon native to Sinnoh’s frigid northern climes. Due to its proud nature, it is a difficult pokémon to raise and will frequently disobey its trainers and refuse food, purely because piplup in general believe that they are above being tamed. Thus, it is highly advisable to employ reverse psychology when first training piplup. When piplup refuse to eat, simply pretend to not want to feed it, and it will eventually attempt to take your food, as it will believe doing so would be an act of disobedience. When this tactic begins to fail (due to piplup growing wise to it), it is then that a trainer will need to switch tactics in order to continue giving their piplup the impression that feeding is somehow still disobeying their wishes. The author humbly and quite seriously suggests reverse reverse psychology.

Prinplup
The Penguin Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 394
Entry: The evolved form of piplup, by battle experience. In general, a piplup’s attitude does not improve upon evolution. Quite the contrary—each individual prinplup develops the unfortunate opinion that they are the most important being in the world, and thus, they isolate themselves within separate nests dug into the icy cliffs of northern Sinnoh, far from each other and any other pokémon they deem morally and genetically inferior. In other words, prinplup form opinions the exact same way most Kantonian politicians do, and the best prinplup trainers can do is take a page from the average Kantonian citizen by pointing their prinplup in the general direction of an opponent and letting them go at it, so to speak.

Empoleon
The Emperor Pokémon
Type: Water/Steel
Official Registration #: 395
Entry: The evolved form of prinplup, by battle experience. While empoleon are generally more mellow than either of its predecessors, they are, as a whole, still vastly proud of their abilities. It is just that they’re more likely to gather in groups, possibly because they realize that some interaction with one another is necessary for the sake of their own species. However, every empoleon-piplup rookery has one lead empoleon that makes the decisions for the rest of the flock. This empoleon is usually determined by sight: they choose the empoleon with the biggest horns to be their superior … a process that, contrary to popular belief on the internet, is not a euphemism.

The Mudkip Line

Mudkip
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 258
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Hoenn. A small, amphibious pokémon native to Hoennian rivers. It uses its large head fin to sense the flow of water and its large back fin to propel itself through turbulent currents with surprising power for its size. Likewise, the large gills on its cheek allow it to breathe even in the murkiest, muddiest depths, and its physical strength alone allows it to pick up and push boulders along river bottoms. In general, mudkip is a fascinating pokémon, and this is because the species itself carries a number of interesting qualities, not because someone “herd u liek it.”

Marshtomp
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 259
Entry: The evolved form of mudkip, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon primarily native to rivers and banks, marshtomp had to develop strong, bulky legs to compensate for the fact that its habitat lacks stable footing. Thus, marshtomp is capable of literally standing through even the fiercest earthquakes, the likes of which routinely plague its volcanic home region of Hoenn. A less composed young researcher would likely say that marshtomp has had the foresight to “not skip leg day,” but luckily, the writer is not the storage system administrator of Sinnoh.

Swampert
The Mud Fish Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 260
Entry: The evolved form of marshtomp, by battle experience. Never let its seemingly cute species name fool you. In actuality, swampert is a four-foot-tall mass of pure, sea-tempered muscle. It is powerful enough to tow ships to shore, rend boulders in two with one swipe of its bulky arms, swim against the current of stormy waves, dive to the depths of the Hoennian sea, and spew jets of water that can tear holes in the hull of the ships it had towed to shore at the beginning of this list. About the only thing cute about it is the fact that it still wears a perpetual grin and enjoys belly rubs and literally sucking down insect prey, just like its ancestral cousin, quagsire.

The Totodile Line

Totodile
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 158
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Johto. A small but hardy alligator pokémon, totodile possess jaws strong enough to crush the front bumper of a car. Although it is frequently advised by experts to take caution when handling this pokémon, even those experts sometimes have difficulty avoiding injury from a totodile bite. So, logically, certain Johtonian researchers have reached the admirably sage conclusion that this is the perfect pokémon to offer to young and heavily inexperienced trainers.

Croconaw
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 159
Entry: The evolved form of totodile, by battle experience. Croconaw’s primary form of attack is to use its huge, powerful jaws to bite down onto its opponent. Once latched on, it never lets go until it loses its teeth, which grow back harmlessly within a day. So to the young and inexperienced trainers mentioned in the previous entry, rest assured that your croconaw’s teeth will grow back shortly after they lose them, which should be one less thing to worry about as you seek medical attention for the reason why your pokémon lost its teeth in the first place.

Feraligatr
The Big Jaw Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 160
Entry: The evolved form of croconaw, by battle experience. Despite its bulky appearance, feraligatr is a swift pokémon, capable of rushing at an opponent with blinding speed. Once it corners an opponent, it tears into its victim with its massive jaws, savagely tearing them apart within seconds.

…

Which, in combination with the damage the other two evolution lines can do to a human being, should explain why the author is immensely curious as to how a certain professor gained permission from the Johto League to hand out starters.

Shellos and Gastrodon

Shellos
The Sea Slug Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 422
Entry: A colorful gastropod pokémon that live in a wide variety of warm, shallow seas. Shellos colors vary from sea to sea, depending on the composition and temperature of the sea itself, as well as other factors, such as the primary species of local coral. Contrary to popular belief, shellos are not the pokémon that possess the ability to expel their stomachs as a defense mechanism and unique digestive technique. Rather, they are the pokémon that possess brightly-colored stinging cells armed with toxic venom that is capable of paralyzing predators that attempt to grasp its slippery body too roughly … a fact that, conveniently, is conveyed through a warning in the form of shellos’s brilliant coloration.

Gastrodon
The Sea Slug Pokémon
Type: Water/Ground
Official Registration #: 423
Entry: The evolved form of shellos, by battle experience. A large, sea hare pokémon, gastrodon are herbivorous, docile creatures that roam the beds of shallow seas, hunting for seaweed. They are most notable for their defense mechanism: the ability to spray a cloud of purple ooze that is somehow more viscous and difficult to handle than even octillery ink. Studies show that gastrodon once had a rock-hard shell as well, but to be frank, when you evolve the ability to blind unwitting bystanders, such as an admittedly overzealous researcher, in waters you share with tentacruel and sharpedo, a shell would be somewhat excessive.

Panpour and Simipour

Panpour
The Spray Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 515
Entry: A monkey-like pokémon native to Unovan rivers and lakes. It uses the spongy tuft on its head to store water, which it uses to hydrate the plants and pokémon it comes across as it travels. Plants are said to thrive unusually well when watered with a panpour’s reserves, and given both this, the fact that this sponge is attached to panpour’s body, and this tuft’s ability to maintain its moisture even in dry heat, it is possibly best not to think too much about where this water is coming from.

Simipour
The Geyser Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 516
Entry: The evolved form of panpour, by exposure to water stone. A monkey-like pokémon with an affinity for clean water sources. Its tail has unique properties: not only is the tuft at the end capable of siphoning up water when simipour’s reserves run dry, but also, it has the capability of expelling water with enough force to shatter a concrete wall. For those of you who were expecting the inclusion of a joke about how a monkey’s backside is capable of shooting a geyser strong enough to destroy concrete, rest assured that the author is not the Sinnohan storage system administrator and therefore has a little more class than that.