Tag: Water

Qwilfish

Qwilfish
The Balloon Pokémon
Type: Water/Poison
Official Registration #: 211
Entry: A pufferfish-like pokémon known for its signature defense mechanism—the ability to inflate itself with water until the spine-like scales all over its body protrude out in every direction. Although the quills themselves are painful to the touch, they don’t actually contain the venom qwilfish is also known for. Rather, they are more like hypodermic needles, fed by a venom bladder within the qwilfish’s body. If this bladder is carefully removed, the flesh of this fish-like pokémon is actually both edible and quite delectable. However, the challenge is in the fact that the bladder can easily be damaged and leak the aforementioned toxins into the edible flesh, and thus, qwilfish meat should only be consumed if prepared by a highly trained professional, if at all. Due to the risks involved, most regions have banned the consumption of qwilfish—otherwise known as hariisen when treated as a food item—except in Johto, where it is a regional delicacy in part because Johtonians themselves have a long-standing tradition of disregarding their own personal safeties.

Lapras

Lapras
The Transport Pokémon
Type: Water/Ice
Official Registration #: 131
Entry: An elusive but gentle sea monster pokémon. In ages past, lapras had been herded because their firm shells and hardiness, along with their docile personalities, made them ideal pokémon for ferrying people across large bodies of water. However, their friendliness towards humans have also made them easy to capture en masse—which, of course, humans did. Thus, lapras has become the physical embodiment of that age-old saying, “And this is why we can’t have nice things.”

The Slowpoke Line

Slowpoke
The Dopey Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 79
Entry: A sweet sap leaks from the tip of this strange pokémon’s tail. Although mysterious in its production, this sap tastes exactly like a sweeter form of honey and thus is effective in attracting pokémon. Slowpoke frequently use this to their advantage, as the core of their behavior centers around their fishing rituals, in which they flock to the banks of a slow-moving body of water, dip their tails in, and wait for a bite. However, as slowpoke are not the brightest pokémon nor pokémon with the fastest reflexes, they often fail to notice when they get a bite—or, for that matter, much about their environment at all. Which leads into the second fact: that some humans have found that slowpoke tails are not particularly nutritious but are quite frankly fun to chew on. How we as a species discovered this about a creature who is completely incapable of noticing when anything—human or otherwise—is chewing on its tail is probably best left up to one’s imagination.

Slowbro
The Hermit Crab Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 80
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, by battle experience. Or, rather, to be more accurate, slowpoke evolves into slowbro after it gains enough strength to fish in waters where shellder naturally live. This is relevant because it is the shellder that enables a slowpoke to evolve by clamping down on the tip of its tail. However, curiously enough, a slowbro will always revert to a slowpoke when the shellder is removed, which raises several questions about the nature of slowpoke’s evolution. One possible hint to the existence of slowbro as its own pokémon lies in the fact that due to shellder’s hold on slowbro’s tail, the slowbro host can no longer fish and is, therefore, forced to hunt literally by hand. Thus, slowbro is quite possibly not a true evolution but instead what happens when a slowpoke is forced to give up its sheer laziness.

Slowking
The Royal Pokémon
Type: Water/Psychic
Official Registration #: 199
Entry: The evolved form of slowpoke, when given a king’s rock and traded. It is said that a king’s rock is actually a piece of fossilized shellder that, when traded, reverts back to being a shellder and subsequently bites its companion slowpoke’s head. Upon dual evolution, this shellder then leaks toxins into its host, which breaks down slowking’s literal mental barriers and gives it a drastic boost in intelligence. Given that this means slowking’s intelligence is chemically enhanced, the writer would like to take the time to note to younger readers that drugs do not, in fact, result in intelligence boosts in humans. Just say no, children, and stay in school. Unless you go on a trainer’s journey, at which point never eat mushrooms you can’t identify.

Bill, in case you were still wondering why Fennel won’t leave Amanita with you unless another adult is present to supervise, this. This is why. —LH

Tirtouga and Carracosta

Tirtouga
The Prototurtle Pokémon
Type: Water/Rock
Official Registration #: 564
Entry: A two-foot-tall Protostega pokémon. The presence of tirtouga and other ancient marine pokémon throughout Unova (and, for that matter, its home nation of the United States) indicate that there had once been vast seas taking up the majority of the continent. However, thanks to the receding water levels, tirtouga from the interior seas died out completely, while those that called the present-day coastlines home eventually made way for modern-day turtle species such as the squirtle line. Many Unovans have pointed out that all of their discovered fossil species are therefore the ancestors of modern pokémon. Because this is true, some casual pokémon fans in Unova like to jokingly imply that this indicates a lack of variety among Unova’s faunal species, whereas some casual pokémonologists like to jokingly respond with the idea that it’s a shame tirtouga’s habitat is no longer submerged in the ocean. 

Carracosta
The Prototurtle Pokémon
Type: Water/Rock
Official Registration #: 565
Entry: The evolved form of tirtouga, by battle experience. An amphibious pokémon, carracosta uses its front flippers not only for swimming but also for attacking, and it is generally known that a single slap from this pokémon’s flipper can rip a hole in the side of a tanker. Of course, given the fact that tankers did not exist when carracosta inhabited the seas, one should ask why the scientific community chose that oddly specific example to gauge its strength—or, better yet, how we know that it can rip a hole in the side of a tanker—to which this writer responds with science.

Bidoof and Bibarel

Bidoof
The Plump Mouse Pokémon
Type: Normal
Official Registration #: 399
Entry: A two-foot-tall rodent-like pokémon common to the Sinnoh region. Although it looks cute, unassuming, and dim-witted, bidoof are actually among the most destructive and dangerous beginner-level rodent pokémon in existence, even more so than its cousin the rattata. The reason why is that while rattata are quick to flee from danger and while many rattata forage alone, bidoof are tenacious, brave, and prone to forming large foraging groups. Therefore, whereas a rattata can be scared away by the presence of a trained machamp, a bidoof will merely tilt its head, emit a rallying cry, and charge forward with hundreds of its fluffy, biting brethren in tow. Needless to say, trainers would be wise to take caution around the mighty bidoof.

Bibarel
The Beaver Pokémon
Type: Normal/Water
Official Registration #: 400
Entry: The evolved form of bidoof, by battle experience. While many other pokémon develop a longing for wandering or expanding their territories upon evolution, bibarel becomes more domesticated. That is to say, rather than attempting to expand its territory, bibarel spends most of its efforts focusing on very specific points of rivers, where it builds giant dams where it will raise its young. These dams have been known to have huge ecological impacts. For most humans, they become a blessing, as in building the dam, the bibarel may create a natural reservoir or divert a river to a village in dire need of water. However, it should be noted that bibarel are largely oblivious to any damage their actions may cause, and they still retain their tendency to congregate in large groups from their time as bidoof. As such, in very certain cases, large numbers of bibarel have been known to singlehandedly flood entire Sinnohean towns without even realizing it.

Basculin

Basculin
The Hostile Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 550
Entry: Fish-like pokémon that come in two different forms. The basculin known as the “red-stripe” variety are far more aggressive and reckless than their counterparts and will launch itself at prey without thinking twice, whereas the “blue-stripe” variety is far more careful and calculating and has been known to coordinate attacks with scores of like-striped basculin. Despite this, the two varieties of basculin are essentially the same, complete with the same battling potential and the same movepools, yet red-striped basculin are notoriously incapable of getting along with blue-striped varieties and vice-versa. These facts have led many Unovan poets throughout the twentieth century to use basculin as metaphors for the human race, a trend that some say is questionably tasteful due to the fact that basculin are secondarily known for the fact that both varieties taste the same and go great with a little lemon, basil, and white wine.

Kabuto and Kabutops

Kabuto
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 140
Entry: A prehistoric horseshoe crab pokémon that once dwelled in the shallow Kantonian seas. Unlike many other “fossil pokémon,” kabuto are not technically extinct. Rather, they are extremely rare pokémon that currently dwell in hard-to-reach maritime caves along the coasts of Kanto, the Orange Islands, and the Sevii Islands. More curiously, they have undergone very little changes since they first appeared on this planet, and as such, they offer researchers many hints as to what the waters of ancient Kanto might have been like. For example, their rock-hard shells indicate the possibility of vicious predatory pokémon, and their short arms indicate either rockier terrain or higher water pressures … or simply a lack of things that needed to be reached with claws. Like buttons.

Kabutops
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 141
Entry: The evolved form of kabuto, via battle experience. Like its pre-evolved form, kabutops is an extinct horseshoe crab pokémon that has offered paleo-pokémonologists a wealth of insight into the ancient world of pokémon. For one, it has evolved from being a primarily water-dwelling pokémon to one that hunts primarily on land, and this gradual adaptive process has allowed scientists to estimate when life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents. Moreover, its sleek form designed for rapid swimming, sharp scythes designed for quick killing, and mouthparts designed for tearing into flesh and draining prey of its bodily fluids in seconds offer scientists insight into why life in general rose from the oceans to populate the continents.

Hi Bill, I am really enjoying reading all your research! I was wondering if you had any notes about the Kantonese fossil pokemon?

Thank you!

I admit I have extensive research on those pokémon in particular, but I’ll do my best to summarize the most fascinating parts over the next few days, beginning with:

Omanyte
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 138
Entry: A prehistoric nautilus pokémon that once dwelled in the warm Kantonian oceans. Among paleo-pokémonologists, omanyte is significant in that it helps us to identify geologic periods. Their tightly spiraled, chambered shells make them fantastically easy to identify on site, and their lifespans on this planet are well-documented as being short, enabling fast and reliable dating of a rock strata. Little is known about its actual life, although its appearance within the fossil bed offer clues. It is said that omanyte flourished roughly around the Devonian period, when seas were at ideal conditions to support the evolution of marine life, and thus, omanyte adapted rapidly to the warm, briny environment. However, it is also said that although omanyte populations were hardy and tenacious during this time period, they disappeared abruptly off the face of the planet at the end of the Cretaceous period … likely due to the fact that no amount of hardiness or prolific breeding will protect a pokémon from drastic climate changes or meteors when they lay their young exactly where they’re most likely to die from exposure.

Omastar
The Spiral Pokémon
Type: Rock/Water
Official Registration #: 139
Entry: The evolved form of omanyte, by battle experience. Omastar possessed sharp beaks and spikes, rock-hard shells, and a plethora of strong tentacles, making it essentially a predator consisting entirely of weapons. One would think that omastar would have been an apex predator that could survive the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, but two things prevented it from doing so. First, as its pre-evolved form was more vulnerable and its eggs even more so, it eventually reached a point where the species had nothing to evolve from. Second and even more ridiculous (yet still very likely), omastar had somehow managed to adaptively evolve shells so heavy that many would find a way to crush themselves to death before they could mate.

Kanto Starters III: Squirtle

Squirtle
The Tiny Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 7
Entry: One of three pokémon traditionally offered to new trainers at the beginning of their journeys in Kanto. As the most defensive of the three starters, squirtle is born with a shell that hardens to a rock-hard consistency as it grows older. It also has the ability to retract its softer head and limbs into this shell in order to protect itself as it uses its array of bubble- and water-jet-based attacks. That having been said, one of the most common questions posed about squirtle is “what does it look like without its shell,” and in order to answer all of them in one fell swoop, the writer would like to remind the general internet that a squirtle’s shell is actually an adapted ribcage and thus, a squirtle without its shell would look rather unfortunate.

Wartortle
The Turtle Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 8
Entry: The evolved form of squirtle, by battle experience. Legend has it that healthy wartortle may live up to 10,000 years. This, of course, is not true; rather, it is a euphemism for two things. First, it refers to the wartortle’s resilience, particularly in the case of its shell. Upon evolution, a wartortle’s shell hardens and continues to harden, and much of wartortle’s battle style hinges on the use of its shell as both its armor and its shield. A battle-experienced wartortle will always sport a plethora of scratches across its rock-hard shell. As for the second point to the legend, it simply refers to humans’ inability to tell reptilian pokémon apart, as well as the wartortle’s general apathy towards being confused with its abundance of cousins and blood relatives.

Blastoise
The Shellfish Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 9
Entry: The evolved form of wartortle, by battle experience. Blastoise tend to be extremely proud of its muscular bulk and water cannons, to the point where much of its battle techniques hinge on either throwing its weight at an opponent or drowning them with high-powered jets of water. When it comes to the latter, its aim is deadly accurate, and a well-trained blastoise is capable of shooting a target up to 160 feet away. Additionally, despite the fact that they lose their feather-like ears upon evolution, it should be noted that blastoise generally have excellent hearing. For example, if a blastoise whose trainer happens to be a researcher’s grandson is standing more than soccer field’s length away from said grandson right at the moment that another researcher advises him on specialized diets for blastoise that no longer participate in battling circuits, that young, well-meaning researcher should be aware that he can still be shot with a Hydro Pump from halfway across the laboratory’s preserve.

Luvdisc and Alomomola

Luvdisc
The Rendezvous Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 370
Entry: A small but rare fish pokémon native to warm, tropical waters. Due to its heart shape and the fact that it is most prevalent in Hoenn’s seas, it is considered a symbol of love to Hoennian culture, and giving one to a Hoennian is a means of expressing your eternal love for them. This is extremely vital information for non-native Hoennians with Hoennian friends, as making the mistake of giving one to your research partner—who is both from Hoenn and quite fond of things that are pink and cute—without prior knowledge of what luvdisc means in her culture will result in a very strongly worded email and an entire evening of very awkward apologies. Doubly so if you failed to enter the recipient’s ID # into the storage system’s gifting feature correctly and wind up sending it to her sister instead.

Alomomola
The Caring Pokémon
Type: Water
Official Registration #: 594
Entry: Once thought to be an evolved form of luvdisc, alomomola is actually an unrelated species whose “shows of affection” are actually its attempts to heal any injured creature it comes across as it swims. This is also vital information for a non-native Hoennian, particularly after they’re been knocked into the ocean by their justifiably upset research partner’s solrock.